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EXACTLY what to expect with a m/c~~Please tell your stories~~what do you see?

On Health & Drugs & Medications » Pregnancy & Birth

688,147 words with 219 Comments; publish: Sat, 08 Dec 2007 08:18:00 GMT; (900328.13, « »)

Hi moms :)

I decided to start this thread because it seemed like there was a common hush about exactly what happens during a m/c and what you see. Specifically I am talking about looking at the baby, describing what he/she looked like and how it made you feel. I'm not sure if it's because it's too painful to describe what happened, or if we think it might be too painful for others to read, or if maybe we might think it's too graphic...

But I learned tonight that it can be very therapeautic.

So a disclaimer here--if you think this may stir up emotions that you aren't ready to feel, or if this may be too heavy for you, please stop here.

For me it was a little different. I just experienced a blighted ovum and learned about it around week 10. The u/s showed a 6 week placenta/sac.

I still felt a loss, but mostly I have been a little frustrated and very disappointed. I'm not the world's most patient person and having to start over again for me just seems to suck.

I'm not a good first trimester person. Constantly pouring over the internet and books waiting to see when my baby will look like a baby, when each ear pops through, when the paddles turn into arms... I just can't wait for each step. Plus being a chronic HPT'er who has access to doing them via serum rather than urine, I find out earlier than the average person. I'm crazy, by the way ;o)

Almost exactly a week from when I went to the ER with spotting, I m/c on my own. It took about an hour and began with period like cramping. Prior to it, I was experiencing period type bleeding but not many clots (very tiny ones if any), and no cramping at all.

So when I started cramping I knew that was probably it.

It was just like labor because I remember not wanting to move AT ALL which is how I felt with both of my labors. So I just waited and breathed... It felt like early to mid labor. I felt a few gushes from time to time but after one of them I immediately felt COMPLETELY different and it was over. I kind of thought it was a break because I didn't feel anything come out, yet I felt so different, just very alert. Strange.

So I went to the bathroom and as soon as I sat down, PLOP! It really shocked me. I fished it out and it was the placenta. It was kind of the size and shape of half of a large banana. I didn't see a sac which is what I really wanted to take a look at. I thought maybe it had broken and was part of what I thought was a membrane on the placenta.

I left if alone for a while but then went back to it because I just had to take a look at this wonderful thing that my body had made even though it didn't house a baby. I still felt like it was a special and marvelous thing.

It kind of looked like a tumor!!!

I nosed around in it for a while and then saw on the surface a tiny clear spot and scraped away what was on top of it and found the sac! I was just amazed at how tough it was. I guess it would make sense for it to be tough, but you just never realize! It was the size of a grape which kind of confused me, I thought it would be bigger. I had to pop it to look inside in case there was something there that the u/s didn't see. Also just because of curiosity. For some funny reason I was thinking "We have clear fluid!" LIke there'd be meconium (too much baby story lol).

After that I put it in a baggie and put it into the freezer. I'm not sure what to do with it since we don't own the home we live in right now and don't want to bury it some place where I won't be staying. I just feel as if I should respect it and keep it and do something cool with it. I made it! I'm proud of it anyway. It's what made my boobs sore for 2 months. It's an amazing thing.

I'm amazed at my body for doing it on its own. This is the first birth I've had where my body decided when to birth and not a doctor. This could have happened too--an ob could have asked me to have a d&c just like they asked me to be induced. TWICE.

But I did it naturally and easily at home. A nice preparation for my upcoming homebirth which will hopefully happen within a year's time.

I realize I was very lucky; I've read of many women who have problems afterwards with excessive bleeding and what have you. But it's important for everyone to share the experience that THEY had so we can understand how everyone is different and also have an idea of the different scenarios.

I also realize how lucky I am in another respect; that because I've had two normal, healthy full term pregnancies, I am confident that I can produce another one. That's not to say I'm not scared to death that something can go awry; I can't stop thinking about it sometimes. But at least I can be at peace knowing that my body can do it.

Some of you mommas have some very difficult stories to tell and don't have the luxury of *knowing*. My heart goes out to you and I know that your strength can come from a place just as important.

Take care ;)

Karen

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  • 219 Comments
    • Wow, this is going to be a pretty hard thread for a lot of people. I'll post mine but it was a long time ago so time has softened the memory some.

      I went to my appointment and went through w/ the PAP and all that uncomfortable stuff. The nurse tried to find a heart beat, but was unable to and since I didn't know my exact date she figured that I was further behind than initially believed. The next evening I started spotting blood. I called the advice line Monday morning and they had me come in for an appointment. DH (then DF) came with me and after a short exam I was sent to the hospital for an u/s. When I got the u/s done the baby was already spiraling apart. I couldn't really recognize any features or anything and the baby had been dead for a while, but I don't remember all of the details. I was sent home and told that it would pass on it's own.

      Skip to Wednesday evening. I'm just getting ready for bed and I feel a gush. I run to the bathroom and blood just begins to pour out of me. There are thick clots and blood filling the toilet. I was supposed to save everything and bring it to the doctor w/ me after everything was done, but I just couldn't bring myself to fish anything out. I was too scared to look for the baby so my MIL looked for me, but didn't find anything. I put a new pad on and went back to bed. I was lying there about two minutes and realized that I was lying in a puddle of blood. DH went to get his mother (we were staying with her for the time) and she rushed me to the ER. When I got into the ER I stumbled in with blood running down my legs and onto the floor. They rushed me in and took my vitals. That's when I started puking. I was handed a plastic bag with a hard plastic rim and measurement marks on it so they can tell how much I've thrown up. I filled one up almost immediately and was working on my second one when I was put into an exam room. I ran into the bathroom and was alternately throwing up and having explosive diarrhea while bleeding all over the place. I was hooked up to an IV and they pumped me full of demerol and all kinds of other stuff. Don't know. Once that demerol hit me, everything was okay. I just turned my head to the wall and cried while my MIL stroked my hair. I was admitted around 3 am and don't remember getting to my room. I went through a D&C sometime during the next day. All I remember was being crucified and someone telling me to close my eyes and it would all be okay. I was released the same day around 4 pm. I was totally drained, white as a sheet, and felt so empty. I was kept in OBGYN/L&D during my stay and I remember hearing babies crying and thinking they were my baby. It was hard. The thing I remember most about my m/c was the pain and humiliation. I was throwing up/crapping myself/bleeding everywhere while doubled over in pain. That was the most pain I've ever experienced in my whole entire life. I felt as if a hand was grabbing my uterus and ripping it into pieces while pulling it out of my body. I'll never forget the pain...and the sorrow. I'm so happy to be PG now, but at the same time my pregnancy is tinged w/ a hint of sorrow and hesitancy. I'm a little more reassured now because this one is sooo different from my first, but I still find myself thinking "if this pregnancy is successful" from time to time.

      #1; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:42:00 GMT
    • I had some light spotting on a Thursday. Then on Friday I had horrible cramps. I took 4 motrin and it didn't even touch it. It felt so strong. Still very little bleeding. I had an u/s that afternoon which only showed a thickened endometrium.They drew a progesterone and hCG levels just more to confirm what we suspected. I had some bleeding on that Saturday and got the call from the doctor saying that the levels were too low. Then on Sunday the floodgates opened. Very heavy and I passed several large clots as well as tissue, but no pain like I felt on Friday. I was never dizzy nor did I pass out. I had lighter bleeding the rest of the week and it finally resolved on that Thursday. Though the following Sunday I spotted again, but nothing else. My doctor wasn't able to do the u/s for me, but I did meet up with him later that week just to talk things over. I also had a follow up appointment a week after that again just to talk (no exam). It was just a time to cry on his shoulders, vent a little, and be given permission to move on (when I was ready.) I had the OK to start ttc as soon as DH and I were ready. I got my cycle back right away (so unfortunately did not conceive on that first go around.)

      I took some time off from work the week after the m/c. Sent the kids to daycare and DH and I went on long walks (and also out to a movie.)

      McLisa

      #2; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:43:00 GMT
    • I just wanted to say thank you all for posting these stories. I've never had a miscarriage, but I've never read or heard about what can happen when one does have one. It's enlightening and educational to say the least. When I do get pregnant again, I will be somewhat nervous as I was the last time about the prospect of losing the baby. It is helpful to know what that might look like. So thank you. And I'm so sorry for your losses.
      #3; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:44:00 GMT
    • Thank you all for sharing your stories. I wish I'd had this thread to read a couple of weeks ago.

      On Wed. 8/18 I began spotting, just a little and it was brown, but I *knew* it was not a good thing. My midwife encouraged me to rest, and not to panic, that spotting was not unusual, etc. Thursday morning it hadn't stopped so I went to the OB for an ultrasound. The OB kept trying to be positive, telling me that brown spotting was better than red, that it was a good sign that my cervix was closed, that, due to my age, I may just need some progesterone--but I *knew*.

      We immediately saw the baby on the ultrasound and I waited and waited for her to comment on it. She took some measurements, then went on to identify other parts. I couldn't wait any longer so I just said, "There's no heartbeat." and she replied, "No." The baby was also measuring 2 weeks smaller than she should have. (I say "she" not because we knew, but because of a feeling I had, and a dream.)

      The OB really, really pushed me to have a D&C but my midwife was supportive of my choice not to. Myfeeling was that my body was already doing what it was supposed to do--it had recognized that there was a problem with the pregnancy and it was preparing to abort it. I had no reason to believe that it wouldn't continue the process. Besides, I wanted to avoid the risks of surgery/anesthesia. On an emotional note, a D&C seemed violent to me and I felt that I needed to go through the process rather than just wake up in recovery and be empty.

      Anyway, the spotting continued from Wed. through Sat. On Sat. I had labor-like pains that I needed to focus on and breathe through. I spent a lot of time in the tub, which helped. In the evening, I began passing large clots and gushes of blood. My midwife has cautioned me that using more than one pad in 20 min would be cause for concern. From around 7pm--9pm I bleed a lot and we decided to go to the ER. In the 10 min. trip to the hospital, I soaked not only a pad, but my clothing, and 2 cloth diapers--blood was running down my legs as we got to the ER and I was very, very scared.

      I was still passing a lot of tissue and the nurse kept looking for the baby. I stabilized on my own, fortunately, and the bleeding slowed without intervention. All they ended up doing was giving me iv fluids and monitoring me. They were surprisingly supportive of my wishes to avoid a D&C if at all possible. I went home around midnight and by 2 a.m. the gushes had stopped completely.

      Sunday, Monday, Tuesday it looked just like a period. I was tired and pale but felt that it was over. On Wednesday I woke up feeling profoundly and overwhelmingly sad, as if I was falling into some dark hole. At noon, with no warning, I felt something pass. It was the sack, about 3" x 2". I was shocked, because the OB had said the baby was so small I might not notice it, and because the ER doc felt that, while they hadn't seen the baby, surely I must have passed it. It was exactly one week from my first spotting.

      I immediately felt a difference in my mood. I can't say that I was happy, but the dark pressure I'd felt earlier had lifted. I opened the sack, because I needed to see and because I was just so amazed. The walls were very thick--like Karen said, that surprised me--there was fluid inside and then the baby, about 3/4 of an inch long. Pure white. I could see the head but not make out any facial features. I saw arms and legs and body. We buried her in the garden and placed a plant in that spot which will flower during the time that I carried her.

      Although it was hard, and overwhelmingly sad, the process gave me time to mourn and a way to say goodbye.

      No one irl seems to want to hear how this all happened, but I really needed to tell the story and to hear others' stories, to know that my feelings are shared and that others understand. I understand that not everyone will be able to read this thread, but thank you so much for starting it, Karen. I think it will help a lot of women.

      #4; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:45:00 GMT
    • I can't tell you what it "looks" like but I can tell you what it feels like.

      I woke up Monday (my birthday) with severe pain - felt like the final stage of labor and I was bleeding all over the place. After 5 or 10 minutes the pains stopped and so did the bleeding. I didn't bleed again all day.

      I woke up Tuesday with the severe pains again and bleeding. I felt as though I was hemmoraging. I sat on toilet and it felt as though the blood was pouring out of me. I got sweaty, light headed and dizzy. I lay on floor in fetal position on floor while I have dh call for an ambulance. My 18 month old cries and tries to nurse off me - I let her.

      Pain lasts for several hours till ER staff can give me IV with pain meds.

      I asked my midwife when it was all over why I couldn't miscarry without pain (afterall, I birthed my first child with no pain meds after 52 hours of labor). She explained how I went from no labor into final stage of labor with no "gradual build up" in between to mentally prepare me.

      It was, by far, the worst thing that ever happened to me.

      #5; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:46:00 GMT
    • I was 13 weeks pg when I started having SEVERE headaches.Went to OB after tylenol no help.At 12 weeks we both heard baby hb fine.Headaches continued for 3 weeks.At 13,14 wk heard no hb.At 16 week exem dr still heard no hb.He had me go to the other room for us "just to put your(my)mind at ease".On external us tech said things too small so do pelvic us.After a couple mins tech said "i have to tell you that I don't see a heartbeat and the baby is measuring small." After dr confirmed baby had died I had to choose how to get things over with. I chose to go to hospital and be 'induced'.I did not want a D&C except as a very last resort.I got to the hospital at 2pm on August 11th 2004.At 5:15pm I took my first dose of cytotec,after about 2 1/2 hours cramping began. I finally asked for pain med about 1am with 3rd dose of cytotec.I delivered my baby at 1:38am Aug 12th. During 'labor' I asked nurse thousands of ?s.

      I was afraid of what my baby would look like since dr said he was gone about 2-3 weeks.After I had baby I asked dr if she could tell what sex baby was.I looked at nurse then she gave me the OK to look.The dr moved the twig size leg over and asked "Do you see that?" What I saw was that I had just delivered my 3rd son..Christopher.He was absolutely perfect,tiny yes but perfect.He was 5 1/8 in long and 2 oz. He had everything...eyes tiny ears fingers that still looked chose together,fully formed legs,nose with nostrils,everything but hair...he was perfect.

      I still miss him every day.I should be feeling him move inside of me everyday now so it is very hard.I will love him forever.

      #6; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:47:00 GMT
    • Thanks for sharing your stories, everyone. I am so sorry for all your losses.

      Last January, I had an early miscarriage, at about 6.5 weeks. However, I think things were wrong from the very beginning. I had been having a tiny bit of brown spotting from about the time of ovulation until I got a positive pregnancy test (at about 4 weeks). When I got the positive, I called my OB to make a first appointment. I mentioned that I'd had a little spotting, and the nurse had me come in for beta blood testing. I went in that day for the first round, and two days later for the 2nd. The numbers weren't doubling like they should have been, so I had a good idea at that point that things were not going to work out. I re-took the test two days after that, and the numbers really didn't go up at all, so I knew this pregnancy was not viable.

      So then I just waited for the m/c to happen. It took about two weeks of waiting, and since the baby had died so early, I really didn't experience much more than a normal period. It did announce itself a little more strongly than a normal period would with fairly strong cramps out of nowhere (nothing like labor pains, though). I bled for about a week, a little more heavily than a normal period, and I didn't pass any clots that I noticed.

      #7; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:48:00 GMT
    • I don't know if this is what you're looking for, but I miscarried an underdeveloped twin at 11 weeks, during this pregnancy.

      It seemed to start when I passed i rather large blob of mucus in the morning. It was a little weird, kinda fiberous, with some "stuff" in it, but I didn't see any blood, so I really didn't think anything of it at the time. I didn't inspect or prod it very much.

      Started spotting in the afternoon, with light cramping.

      I went to bed and woke up to blood (can't remember if I had any clots) and more cramping. The midwife said that I was likely having a miscarriage, and I could either go to the hospital, or I could just hang out at home. -I went to work, but quickly realized that was a mistake, and went immediately to the hospital.

      An ultrasound revealed that we still had one live baby and a second, now empty sac. The bleeding and spotting continued for a week or two and then stopped completely. The ER doc told me that the second twin had miscarried earlier, and that my body would likely absorb the second sac. Later, a nurse came in and told me that there "possiblly never was a baby in the second sac at all, so [I] shouldn't feel so bad."

      So, I guess that I will never really know if there was ever another baby, or what happened. And, sometimes that makes it hard to sort out my feelings.

      I don't know if you can understand this, but it becomes hard to validate your feelings when you don't know what the real situation was. I feel stupid and melodramatic at times, just for feeling sad, and wondering about a baby that might not have even been there. And sometimes, I just feel like I should shut the heck up and count my blessings, as I could very easily have lost both, and have no baby at all.

      Birth loss is complicated business. I just wish that more of our medical professionals could help us figure out how to best deal with it.

      #8; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:49:00 GMT
    • I don't know if you can understand this, but it becomes hard to validate your feelings when you don't know what the real situation was. I feel stupid and melodramatic at times, just for feeling sad, and wondering about a baby that might not have even been there. And sometimes, I just feel like I should shut the heck up and count my blessings, as I could very easily have lost both, and have no baby at all.

      You absolutely should NOT shut up!! I think that's what this thread is about. There doesn't seem to be any other place to talk about this so frankly. I think that miscarriage is one topic, in a long line of topics, that are taboo. Women's issues are often silenced in our society. There was a time that no one talked about menstruation and what to expect, or childbirth and what to expect, and certainly miscarriage is one of those subjects that people are uncomfortable talking about.

      For me, seeing the sack and baby was important to my mourning. I *do* understand your need to know, and I'm sorry for your loss and for the questions that you're dealing with.

      I think that sharing our experiences is about more than just educating each other about the different ways this can happen--it's about being able to express our feelings about it without anyone saying, "At least you have other kids" or "You can always try again" or any other comments that make us feel unentitled to our feelings about this experience.

      Okay, stepping down from the soapbox now.

      #9; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:50:00 GMT
    • I was 14 weeks along when I had mine. It was different for me, though. This might sound crazy and please don't judge harshly but I wasn't completely convinced I was pg. I had a 4 month old son (my first) and had a lot of complications after birth so my dr. was convinced the symptoms I was having were due to that, not pregnancy.

      It started about 7:00 am, right as my dh was leaving for work, I started cramping. I remember thinking, oh, now I'm finally going to get my period. It got stronger and stronger. About 9 am, I was *very* uncomfortable and starting to worry. My son was crying so I got ready to feed him when I felt the first gush. When I went to check, I saw nothing and decided I must have had some incontinence (I had been having probs with that since he was born). So, I grabbed my son again and sat down on the couch. I felt another awful cramp and another gush. This time, it was blood. I was sitting in the bathroom when the baby came. It was pretty awful. The placenta would not come unattached and with the cord being so short, it snapped as I was trying to get to the phone. I had to call the ambulance because I was bleeding so badly and couldn't take care of my son.

      In the hospital, I had to get a D&C and they also gave me a couple of pints of blood since I had bled so badly. The hospital was very good and allowed my dh to see the baby.

      The big thing I was not expecting was that my milk came in. That was very painful.

      The biggest emotional pain came from the fact that I kept ignoring my instincts and body signs and if I had paid attention and insist to my dr that yes, I was pg, I maybe could have stopped it. It's very difficult and has taken a long time to get over.

      #10; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:51:00 GMT
    • For me, everything happened in about two days. On Saturday evening two weeks ago, I started spotting. And right then, I knew it wasn't good. I told my mom about it and she called the nurse help line, and they told me that everything was fine and that it's normal. For some reason, I just felt like this wasn't a good sign and it wasn't going to be normal. So, I went to bed trying to think good thoughts. Nothing had changed by Sunday morning (I was still spotting a little), so my DH and I went to his grandparents for a birthday party in the late afternoon. My DH was sweet and made sure I didn't need to get up a lot and had me take it easy while we were there. But when we got home later that evening, I went to the bathroom and noticed that the bleeding had gotten significantly worse. In a panic, I told my DH that we had to go to the ER because I knew this wasn't good. Well, we got there and they didn't tell us much. Since I was only 10 1/2 weeks along, they couldn't hear the heartbeat on those machines (and they didn't have a tech on duty to perform an U/S). They said that everything should be fine, but just in case they ran a few tests. Those tests all came back fine (including the pregnancy test they took, which said positive). Well, that took about 2 hours, and after we had gotten home and had been there for about an hour, I went to the bathroom because I started getting cramps. And just like Karen, as soon as I sat on the toilet, my baby came out - no warning or anything. I was totally shocked and didn't know what to do. After getting over the first initial shock and realizing what had just happened, I bawled my eyes out. That was not what I was expecting at all. I was too scared to pick it up, more or less for fear of realizing what it actually was and I just didn't want to admit it. My DH and I went to the OB the next morning, and they did an U/S which confirmed what I already knew. Everything was empty and they said that I had had a complete miscarriage. Sadly, this was my first pregnancy and my first U/S. I never even got to see it inside of me. I wasn't supposed to have one done until I was 12 weeks. But I didn't expect to be completely empty when they did the U/S. I was hoping to at least see something there. But what I don't get is that the whole process took a whole entire 30 hours. Everywhere I read, it takes a week or two. And what confuses me even more is the positive test the nurse in the ER took. Does that mean that my baby was alive at that time, and somewhere between the 2 hours they took the test and my miscarriage, that it died? Because I've heard of people going through miscarriages and they take a pregnancy test and it comes up negative. Thank you for listening and also for starting this thread. This has got to be the best one I've come across because I've never read anything like this. I just wish I would've found it a couple weeks ago.

      Angela

      #11; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:52:00 GMT
    • First, a huge hug to all of you here...I almost didn't post here because my miscarriage seems so paltry compared to your stories :crying. I miscarried 17 days ago at no more than 4 weeks by my count. I had 2 positive tests and woke up one night with bad cramping and 10 days of bleeding. This sounds so wrong, but I am glad that, if I HAD to miscarry, that dh & I didn't have time to get too excited about the baby. I did buy a baby gown though, which is so hurtful right now...sorry, I'm rambling. Love to all of you.
      #12; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:53:00 GMT
    • Big hugs to all of you guys. Like Alli, I feel like what I went through was peanuts compared to other stories.

      Seems like some situations aren't so bad, and others are the direct opposite.

      Angela,

      The test they did in the ER was probably a quantitative HCG. HCG is the hormone that the placenta makes to help continue the pregnancy. After you miscarry, and even after a full term birth, the HCG stays in your system for a very long time, up to a month or sometimes even more. So, even if you were miscarrying, your pregnancy test would come up positive.

      For example, when I went to the ER my test was 19000, two days later it was 17000 (this was about 4 days before I m/c). A week after the placenta and sac passed (this past Monday) it was still 450.

      A home pregnancy test usually detects 25 or more.

      Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense to you.

      From the time I began spotting to the actual m/c, it was about a week. It doesn't surprise me that yours went so quickly. Sometimes we have no warning at all and your body just does what it needs to do.

      I'm surprised that the ER didn't do more for you. It's very odd that they didn't have anyone to do an u/s!!! Did they at least tell you to follow up with another blood test just to make sure? I guess it doesn't matter now, but all I'm saying is that they weren't very on the ball from what it sounds like. Sounds like they were like "Oh well", know what I mean?

      Spotting IS very common and in a lot of cases doesn't mean a darn thing. However, if a mom feels in her gut that something is wrong, they should listen.

      Take care of yourself ;)

      Karen

      #13; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:54:00 GMT
    • Joan, thank you! Sometimes, we, as women don't give ourselves permission to feel what we need to feel. It's easier to be supportive of others than to allow ourselves those things we need to feel better again. I really appreciated what you've posted, and I needed to hear it. Thanks, again.
      #14; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:55:00 GMT
    • http://www.humpath.com/rubrique.php3?id_rubrique=170

      I found some interesting pictures of fetuses at various ages. These are very clear, medical pictures that I thought might add to the thread. Back to lurkdom!

      #15; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:00:00 GMT
    • I am very glad this thread is here. There does seem to be a "common hush" to talking about m/c. I am very lucky to have a group of supportive mamas IRL, and one or two have shared there own stories. Even a few sentences written on a post are illuminating.

      I began spotting on Thursday morning. I knew something was wrong because the blood was red. It reminded me of the very start of a period. The fresh blood did not return that morning, and faded to brown spotting. I almost didn't go in for an ultrasound. I decided my crampy feeling was indigestion, and the spotting related to sex my dh and I had had three days earlier. I did go for an u/s, and I could see the baby and there was no heartbeat. My uterus measured 10 weeks (I was 11 from LMP), and my baby only measured 8.5 weeks. Tears were streaming down my face. I felt so shocked. I was given the option of D&C, 4 pills placed inside vagina to induce (done at home by Rx), or allowing it to occur naturally. I decided on the latter.

      I began bleeding in Ernest on Saturday evening (today). At about 9pm I passed a large sac. I reached for it in the toilet, and I felt strong "No". I was going to bury it by the apple tree, and listened to that no and flushed it down.

      Immediately after I passed the sac I felt lighter. The bleeding is still bad, but is not gushing quite as much.

      I'm still trying to figure out what this means, and to feel hope instead of sadness and hopelessness. I guess the reality is I will feel both.

      I feel very sad. My best and healing to the women on this thread who have also suffered loss.

      #16; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:01:00 GMT
    • Wow, my heart goes out to you all...this is my first post. I found this site three weeks ago when I deduced that I was pregnant. It was still too early to test, at just 4 weeks from my last period, but I knew what was going on...in addition to exhaustion and nausea, my otherwise modest breasts already felt like big water balloons en flambe. I also knew the conception date was right on with ovulation.

      The miscarriage started the day before we were leaving on vacation. I spotted light pink the day before, but wondered if it was implantation (this was my first pregnancy). When I woke the next day, my breast pain and heaviness had decreased. When I was headed to the bathroom I felt a period like rush and saw that it was very red blood, nothing like my dark period blood. I went to work to tie up loose ends before we left for vacation and continued to bleed with some clotting, heavy cramping and back pain. I finally called my husband to ask him to pick me up and I broke down when I saw him.

      I bled for a total of three days. Other than the heavy, period-style cramping and backache, the physical pain was minimal. I was lucky to be leaving for a very exciting family vacation to keep my mind occupied. Though we were not ttc, I really miss the excitement and mystery of being pregnant, and we are both eager to be again.

      #17; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:02:00 GMT
    • Wow. I am so emotional reading through this thread. I just had my third miscarriage in 8 years. I'm still bleeding actually.

      I lost at 11 weeks but had a "5-week" embryo according to the ultrasound so I guess the last six weeks I've not had a live one. So hard to take.

      I began to spot (pink) and went to the hospital. HCG level was 14,008 :(

      Had a rotten Dr. so I don't know level since it went to 600 in early pregnancy.

      Maybe I had what is called a blighted ovum?

      Anyway, I passed clots as big as silver dollars and 1/4" or more thick. Some had grayish white parts to them. I never got to see a sack but was very mucusy at beginning of m/c. I actually stopped bleeding for over 24 hours but am lightly bleeding again. This started 8 days ago.

      I never saw a baby to grieve for but my grief is pretty deep when it's here.

      My emotional pain comes and goes and today has been rotten.

      Thanks for being here..

      #18; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:03:00 GMT
    • I had a miscarriage about a year ago, but it wasnt' a huge shock as I have PCOS.

      I had foudn out I was pregnant about 2 weeks before I started EXTREMELY LIGHT spotting which went on for about 3 days - I dont' remember too well. Then I felt like I had a stomach flu and went home from work. I was laying in bed on my side trying to make the cramping stop - it was pretty mild so I didnt think it was a huge problem. I got up to go to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and it felt liek my uterus threw up (I can't think of a better way to describe it.) The fetus looked like a shrimp, but I didn't have my glasses on and was pretty freaked out so I didn't really "investigate". I had more cramping and "expulsions" for several hours and then all of a sudden it just stopped. I took a shower and went to bed.

      #19; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:04:00 GMT
    • At a routine prenatal appointment at 11 weeks, my midwife was unable to find the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. I had seen the baby and heartbeat on a 7 week ultrasound (for dating purposed b/c I was not ovulating regularly), so I wasn't very worried. She though that maybe my uterus was tilted. I was sent for an ultrasound and devastated to see that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. It looked like the baby had stopped growing shortly after that first ultrasound.

      The Ob/Gyn who works with my midwife group came in to speak with me. He explained the factual information about miscarriage and said that it was likely a chromosomal abnormality. He was pretty caring, apologized for my loss, and offered for me to use the telephone to call someone. He said that I could wait for my body to miscarry naturally, which could take days to weeks. He also said I could use medication (misoprostol) to stimulate contractions or have a D&C. I told him that I would like to miscarry naturally and he said that was fine.

      One of the midwives also came to see me as I was leaving. She was on call at the hospital where I had the ultrasound and had heard the bad news from the doctor. She gave me a huge hug and let me cry in her arms. She also discussed the options with me.

      It was almost 2 weeks before I began spotting. I went back to the midwives' office on a Friday because I needed to receive Rhogam. I had spotted for a few days and the bleeding was not increasing. She discussed with me how I might consider using the misoprostol to increase contractions. She said that my risk of infection increased if the tissue didn't all come out and that the misoprostol would help with this and reduce the chances that I would need a D&C. I told her that I would wait out the weekend to see if the bleeding increased.

      I really wanted to miscarry naturally, but my bleeding did not increase. I kept thinking that I did not want to take any risks of infection because I have a wonderful 2 year old son whom I love more than anything in the world. I decided that I would use the misoprostol. I inserted the three tablets into my vagina on Sunday evening at 5:30. I was sobbing and shaking at having to do that, but I just kept thinking about my son. I laid in bed for a while. At about 7:30, I started to have craming and some light bleeding. The cramping became pretty painful, but was not unbearable. The cramps stopped at 10:30 and I decided to go to bed. I woke up at 11:30 to a huge gush of blood. It soaked my maxipad and my underwear. As I ran to the bathroom, I felt a clot fall into my underwear. It was about a 3 inch clump of blood. Another one fell into the toilet along with so much blood. I used a slotted spoon to dig the clots out of the toilet to make sure they weren't the baby.

      I was starting to feel dizzy so I went back to lay down. I woke my husband up and told him what happened and asked him if he could clean up the bathroom a little bit. He went into the bathroom and saw the blood-drenched underwear and blood on the floor. He came out and said "You don't think that's too much blood?" I decided to call the midwife just to check. She said that it was probably because I passed some large tissue and the bleeding should slow down.

      The bleeding was light again so I went back to bed. About an hour later I woke up to another huge gush of blood. I was laying there and then all of a sudden it was like an eruption of blood that soaked everything. I passed some more large clots so I figured this was the end of it. However, it happened again about 45 minutes later. I had been told that I should call if I was soaking more than one maxi pad an hour. The way this was happening, I was soaking a maxi pad, underwear, and a bedsheet in 3 seconds. I called back and was told to go to the ER. By this time I was getting dizzy and it was 2:30am. We called my Mom to come up to stay with my son and my husband drove me to the ER.

      On the way there I could feel blood and large clumps passing. The best way that I can think to describe the feeling was like passing gobs of lumpy jello mixed with thinner, half-firm jello. I was also very dizzy and beginning to pass out. For about the last 5 minutes of our drive, I could not see anything. I have passed out before and knew the feeling, but this was so much worse. I was trying to will myself to stay conscious. They wheeled me in to the ER and the whole time I was saying, "Please help me. I can't see. Please don't let anything happen to me. I have a little boy." I kept waiting for the nurses and doctors to say, "You'll be fine" but no one did. That made me really scared. Finally, one of the nurses said "We'll take good care of you." I was really afraid that I was going to become unconscious and never wake up. It was the scariest moment of my life thinking that I would leave my son without a mother.

      They quickly gave my an IV, took my vitals, etc. My blood pressure was really low and they kept commenting on how pale I was and how sick I looked when I arrived. They thought I might need a blood transfusion but my hematocrit was high enough that I did not. I must say that I was treated wonderfully by everyone there. They apologized for every painful procedure and said how sorry they were for my loss. The ER doctor did a vaginal exam which was pretty painful. He was reaching up and pulling tissue and blood clots out. He said that they had to determine how much tissue was left in my uterus and if my cervix was dilated.

      He was having difficulty determining if my cervix was open, so an Ob/Gyn came and did another exam and removed more. After a little while, another Ob/Gyn came to check on how things were progressing and repeated the same procedure. All this time I was soaking the bed pads and sheets. They had thought that I might have passed most of the tissue, so had me stay a few hours for observation. However, my bleeding did not subside. One of the Ob/Gyn's who works with my midwives came down and did another exam and removed more tissue. They gave me another dose of misoprostol to try to stimulate contractions to expel everything. However, when this did not work, they sent me to surgery.

      They said that they could do the surgery there in the ER with local anesthetic, but I said that I would prefer not to know what was going on. I went to the operating room and had the general anesthesia. I don't remember anything until I woke up. I did not get to talk with the doctor after surgery, but she spoke with my husband. She told him that she did not have to use cutterage because the pregnancy tissue was close to the cervix and she was able to remove it. I was pleased, because this meant that my uterus was not damaged.

      It has been a week and I am still having some light bleeding. Physically I was just pretty tired for a few days. Emotionally, I am still a wreck. I cry almost every day because I am so sad. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, but I still am so sad that our baby, whom we loved so much, died. One thing that bothers me is that I did not get to see and hold the baby. I had hoped that this would provide some closure. At first I was looking at everything in the toilet, but I was bleeding so much and became so faint that I couldn't do that. I am upset that I either flushed my baby down the toilet or it was disposed of with medical waste. I believe that it was the latter, as my husband said my doctor mentioned "pregnancy tissue." I go back to see her in a week and I will ask then. Who knows? It may have made things more difficult if I saw the baby, so I'm trying to get over that.

      Overall, I was treated so well by everyone, so that softened the blow of all this. During my pregnancy, I felt like this baby was a girl, and since the miscarriage I have had two girl dreams. I wanted to give the baby a name instead of saying "it" but I didn't know what name to use. I know it sounds wierd, but was hoping that I would have a dream or some kind of message. Last night I had this foggy dream. I really don't remember it, but it was a little girl and she was telling me her name was Maya. I don't know anyone in real life named Maya and have not heard the name recently. It is not a name that I would have ever chosen, but I feel like it is my baby's name. It gives me some peace to have a name for her.

      #20; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:05:00 GMT
    • What a wonderful thread. I've been reading through it for the past week...and it's helped tremendously!

      I lost my baby one week ago today.

      I was 7 weeks pregnant. On Thursday, I had my annual checkup with my OB- at that time he confirmed that I was pregnant based on my LMP and a cervix and uterus check. Friday morning, I noticed some spotting with a dull backache that wouldn't go away. I called my OB office telling them that I wasn't worried about the spotting, but the backache concerned me. Dr said I was probably okay and if spotting got worse to call back. Saturday morning the spotting was more than the day before and the backache still there. I tried not to worry about it as I had just had a pap and I spotted for a day or two w/ my first pregnancy- so I thought nothing of it. By 1PM, my backache was worrying me-- I did the TP check and there was bright red blood. I told DH that we were losing the baby. I called the on-call nurse and she told me the standard- stay in bed and only get up to go to the bathroom. Call if I soaked a pad an hour for 3 hours.

      I passed the baby on Monday-Labor Day. I did take the baby out of the toilet and inspected it. It's now in my freezer waiting to be buried. I had to look, know... and I couldn't flush it. I may not bury it in the earth. I've been thinking of personalizing an indoor planter and placing the baby there with a plant. Not sure yet. Having the baby in the freezer freaks DH out more than me.

      It's been one week. I'm not really sure how I feel. I can tell you that I knew I was pregnant a week before I tested and I also sensed that something wasn't right the entire 46 days that I was pregnant.

      I miss my baby. I experienced this for a reason and I hope I learn from it.

      #21; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:06:00 GMT
    • hugs

      i have had 3 m/c and i am only 25...i now have a dd who is 2 yrs old...i spent the entire first 3 years of my 20's (and marriage) preg, m/c, and trying to get over it

      1st m/c was the saddest b/c i just coul dnot believe that it was happening...it was such a shock.

      i had just turned 20 and gotten married, this was my love child.

      my dh and i were clueless kids, crazy in love, and scared out of our minds.

      i started spotting, my midwife put me on bedrest and for a couple of days the cramps would come adn go, getting worse at night...then one night the bleeding was getting heavier adn heavier and we knew it was over...

      my dh would call and check in with the midwife from time to time. i got in and out of the shower

      that helped

      i just remember feeling like i was rushing under the waves of a stormy sea and being sucked out of this world

      i felt the saddest i had ever felt, i would clutch my dh and we would both be crying and feeling so in lov ewith eachother and so sad and so proud at how brave adn strong we were and so devestated at the loss, and scared.

      it was the holiest thing i had ever been part of

      it WAS birth

      and i was so hyper aware that of the awful paradox of birthing death.

      i still taste that irony (6-7 years after)

      that it is so powerful and holy to give birth (which means life) to the death of your child...and wanting it to just be over, for the AWFUL pain to stop (i mean physically) but knowing that when i stopped laboring i would not have my baby, infact the moment that she was born was the moment she was gone from me forever, until that point she was still mine, inside my womb.

      i birthed her into a bluewillow china punch bowl

      she had died/stopped growing at about 6 weeks but i lost her at about 12 weeks.

      she was tiny she did not have a tail anymore. i dreamed about her the next night...it was more of an out of body exp...i got up to pee adn she was sitting on the kitchen floor (about 3 yers old) sloshing her hands around in the bowl of blood...i picked her up and wiped her blood on my night gown and sat down to rock her...i woke up in the rocking chair with blood all over my night gown.

      i grieved that loss hard, it took another week to pass the placenta...i spent almost a month in bed crying

      i had been so young and innocent and full of promise, that loss made me feel so scared, like if that awful thing could happen to ME, then anything could, i was scared to be home alone, scared to walk around by myself in our town, just scared. i had had my whole world pulled out from under me and i was just waiting for something really awful to happen next.

      that was a lot i think i will come back anothe rnight to write the other times...

      #22; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:07:00 GMT
    • hugs

      i have had 3 m/c and i am only 25...i now have a dd who is 2 yrs old...i spent the entire first 3 years of my 20's (and marriage) preg, m/c, and trying to get over it

      1st m/c was the saddest b/c i just coul dnot believe that it was happening...it was such a shock.

      i had just turned 20 and gotten married, this was my love child.

      my dh and i were clueless kids, crazy in love, and scared out of our minds.

      i started spotting, my midwife put me on bedrest and for a couple of days the cramps would come adn go, getting worse at night...then one night the bleeding was getting heavier adn heavier and we knew it was over...

      my dh would call and check in with the midwife from time to time. i got in and out of the shower

      that helped

      i just remember feeling like i was rushing under the waves of a stormy sea and being sucked out of this world

      i felt the saddest i had ever felt, i would clutch my dh and we would both be crying and feeling so in lov ewith eachother and so sad and so proud at how brave adn strong we were and so devestated at the loss, and scared.

      it was the holiest thing i had ever been part of

      it WAS birth

      and i was so hyper aware that of the awful paradox of birthing death.

      i still taste that irony (6-7 years after)

      that it is so powerful and holy to give birth (which means life) to the death of your child...and wanting it to just be over, for the AWFUL pain to stop (i mean physically) but knowing that when i stopped laboring i would not have my baby, infact the moment that she was born was the moment she was gone from me forever, until that point she was still mine, inside my womb.

      i birthed her into a bluewillow china punch bowl

      she had died/stopped growing at about 6 weeks but i lost her at about 12 weeks.

      she was tiny she did not have a tail anymore. i dreamed about her the next night...it was more of an out of body exp...i got up to pee adn she was sitting on the kitchen floor (about 3 yers old) sloshing her hands around in the bowl of blood...i picked her up and wiped her blood on my night gown and sat down to rock her...i woke up in the rocking chair with blood all over my night gown.

      i grieved that loss hard, it took another week to pass the placenta...i spent almost a month in bed crying

      i had been so young and innocent and full of promise, that loss made me feel so scared, like if that awful thing could happen to ME, then anything could, i was scared to be home alone, scared to walk around by myself in our town, just scared. i had had my whole world pulled out from under me and i was just waiting for something really awful to happen next.

      that was a lot i think i will come back anothe rnight to write the other times...

      I'm sorry for your losses. I just had to tell you, you write beautifully. That dream you described sent chills up my spine. Many hugs, Mama.

      ~Nay

      #23; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:08:00 GMT
    • This is the first time that I have ever posted on a message board so I hope I am doing it correctly. I am so grateful for this thread. It is very rare that you can read about and share about miscarriage in its entirety.

      I Was pregnant with my third child. My dh and I were very excited but surprised as I had not yet had a period. At 10 wks we went to the midwife to hear a heartbeat. We didn't hear anything so we went back again at 11 and then at 12 wks. I was very worried. At 12 1/2 wks. I began to bleed bright red. I knew that I was miscarring but I wanted to confirm so I had my midwife schedule a sono. The tech couldn't tell me anything but I didn't see a heart beat and the baby looked way to small. my dh and I met w/ my midwife right away and she said the baby was 7 wks and my body was starting the process of birthing the baby.

      The next day I was still bleeding. Around 1:30 my toddler nursed down for his nap and I started getting period cramps. after about 1/2 hour I began to push. My husband was having a hard time with all the blood so called my two close friends over to be with me while he took the kids out. I can't imagine having to be alone. THey were so wonderful. I used hypnobirthing to go through the labor but it was so difficult because I knew that I wasn't going to get to hold my baby.

      Finally the surges stopped but I still had not passed anything. I called my midwife and she had me pull everything out. Nothing looked like a baby put my sack of waters broke and my placenta was the size of a quarter and absolutely perfect. My friend took the baby and swaddled it in a washcloth, kissed it, and put it in the fridge.

      Next day dh and I baptised and buried the baby under our cherry tree in our backyard where the placentas of our two older children is buried.

      I have made a memory box with a rose (that my midwife brought me), video of the midwife appts, the pregnancy test, a story of the experience, and the washcloth.

      Sorry this is so long but reading your stories and sharing my experience has been very healing.

      We named our baby Sam (boy or girl)

      NEW M/C ADDED 2/15/06

      This is heartbreaking but I have to add another m/c to this thread. I decided to add it in the same post.

      After losing Sam I was totally devestated but knew that I wanted another baby so bad. We had to wait at least 3 months to ttc bcs dh had been on methotrexate for his arthritis. I didn't even get af until 10wks after the m/c. Then I had a 43 day cycle w/ o on day 33 but no cm. Then the next cycle we o'd on cd 19 and got a bfp on cd 23. We were so excited and I decided to enjoy every min. of this pg and tell everyone.

      At 6 wks dh and I went out for valentines day (a few days early). When we got home we made love and then I started to bleed. It was pink and then it got heavier. When I woke up I had light cramping. I got in the tub and passed a clot. Then the cramping was over. I went in for a sono and my uterus was completely empty. We submitted the fetus for testing and they could not find any fetal tissue. My midwife thinks that my body had probably absorbed everything. I am so frustrated bcs I want an answer to all of this and I know that there isn't one.

      I went to hobby lobby and bought a box. I will write a letter to the baby and put it in there. I will also put in the washcloth that it was wrapped in, my proof of pg from birthright, and all of my pg tests. We named the baby Morgan (for a boy or gir). Naming the baby really helps me to heal.

      #24; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:10:00 GMT
    • so here is my second m/c

      i was in my last semester of college, student teaching...and my dh was in college, we had already went thru our first m/c the year previous (see above post)

      and i find out i am pregnant...we were using b/c at the time so we were surprise, but i was cautious, yet very happy.

      when at 12 weeks we went to hear the heart beat and the midwife said it was strong...i almost fell off the table, i had not realized how i had been holding my breath the whole pregnancy until then...i felt so much lighter.

      however around 18 weeks i started a light brown spotting, my dh adn i were enjoying a lot of sex at that point (i guess we were so happy to not have to worry about not getting preg anymore!) and my midwife felt like it was that.

      but it did not go away, so she recomended (among other things) prayer adn bed rest...really tuning in to the baby.

      so in total i spent almost 2 weeks in bed, using all of my spirtual and physcial energy to will that baby to stay, and will my body to hold it. the spotting would stop and i would get up and try and go back to school, and then it would come back and i would spend a couple more days in bed...

      after one week of spotting we had the heart rate checked with the dopler, again strong

      after 2 weeks of spotting we had an ultrasound done...that is when we got the news that our baby was strong and alive, but not well, infact would never be well.

      i remember the tech putting the ultrasound wand in my vagina and my dh and i watching the screen. we were on a roller coaster of fear and relief when we saw the baby moving and the heart pumping and the tech jus tsaid, "uh, i will be right back"

      so she leaves and the wand is inside me and teh baby is alive,a dn we feel overjoyed.until the specialist comes in the room to tell us that

      our 20 week old baby had hydrocephalis (fluid in the brain)

      infact it had so much fluid there was hardly any brain at all and the head was larger than normal.

      and here is my situation, the baby is alive adn well, except for that. he was growing and developing on schedule, the bleeding was some random thing (probably just bumped cervix from too much sex, as the blood was all light adn brown).

      all signs pointed to me having an otherwise normal pregnancy and carring the baby full term.

      however, b/c the baby practically has no brain, it will probably only live for a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, but it would be a vegtable, and hooked up to tons of machines.

      and b/c its skull was so large, a vaginal birth would probably not be possible and they would have to do a scheduled c-section.

      i was past the legel dates for abortion in my state, so that was not an option.

      i could be "induced however" which would be a painful and medical process, but the baby would out and it would all be over.

      my world came crashing down...i was trying to finish college, i had worked my way thru school and had already almost flunked out last year b/c of that m/c...i did not have time for that kind of medical procedure. furthermore, i do not even take asprin, i can not imagine being in a hospital, esp when i would be going thru such sad sad thing...i could not let someone else into my deep place of saddness and loss and have them be treating me "business as usual"

      but at the same time, i could not comprehend remaining pregnant, getting big, having every stranger on the st rejoicing at my bulging belly, and me having to know that it was not ever going to happen. really there would be no baby.

      and the loss, another loss. all of the this came crashign down on me.

      i decided (with my midwife's guidence) that i would attempt an herbal abortion/induction. i used prayers and energy and acupressure, and herbs, and castor oil, and vit c. and it was a strict demanding regement.

      the herbal tonic alone had to steep for 6 hrs and be taken (one court) every 4 hours, that in itself was very demanding.

      and it was so hard to have gone from putting all my total energy into praying for my baby's life, begging it to stay..adn then in one minute having to flip it all upside down and ask it to leave, now.

      beg it to please work with me adn stop growing and go. i was so sorry.

      i kept on going to school, (my professors were threatening to not let me graduate, despit ethe medical nature of my absences),

      i sheduled an induction at the hospital for a date 2 weeks latter, giving my self a chance to try and do it on my own.

      and worked my ass off night and day trying to induce labor.

      after one week, i began to have some contractions at night, but they were mild adn would always be gone by morning

      but each night after ward the contractions would get more intense, more frequent and start a little earlier in the evening.

      finaly it was the evening before my induction (scheduled at 5 AM the next day) adn my mom came into town to help me recover...and we were at the health food store at 4 pm the contrations came in hard...

      we went home and called my dh home from work (he worked nights)

      and i went in to a very painful labor, it was way worse than any labor i had had beofre or since...i think all the herbs that were FORCING my womd to contract made it hur tso much mor than normal labor.

      plus i had had to become so emotionaly detatched from the sorrow and the loss...this was a goal, and i had to accomplish it with out taking too much time, being any trouble to anyone else, or making too big of a mess. i did not want my dh or my mom even in the same room with me.. every thing they said was wrong...i just wanted to be by myself.

      i remember thinking i would just only lay on the hardwood floor of the living room b/c that would be easiest to clean up afterwards.

      i was so pitiful...i remember finaly crawling to my bedroom at around midnight and thinking that i did not care if i flooded the room with my blood, i just wanted to lay down in my bed and die.

      i made it to the bed and closed my eyes and rode this one HUGE wave of pain adn CRASH, everything stopped.

      at first i thought i had died, i thought my whole body must be gone, b/c i don't feel anythign anymore.

      the pain was over. i opended my eyes and felt between my legs, nothing was there...

      i was still alive and the baby was still inside me...i began sobbing and wailing...

      i felt so tired and punished.

      and went to the bathroom to pee and when i contracted my muscles to let the pee out i felt a big plop and into the tiolet came my baby (well placenta)

      i was 22 weeks so it was much bigger than my last one, i reached into the potty and pulled it out...adn just held it.

      that was it

      it was over

      i opened it up with a knife latter that night, and it was a boy.

      i could not believe how much he looked like my baby.

      my baby.

      my midwife came and checked my out the next day and every thing healed up pretty quickly.

      i convinced my colleges dean not to fail me.

      i graduated a month latter.

      i lost the weight.

      people who had not seen me in a month would see me in the store or street and look at my belly in confusion...sometimes i had to say, my baby died many times a day for months.

      i learned that greif knows no boundaries...nor does the strength of my spirit.

      amazingly, this m/c exp gaveme something back that my first m/c took from me.

      after i so suddenly lost the first baby, i also lost my ability to trust my body, to trust my will, and to trust god.

      somehow, b/c god, and my body, and my unborn baby had to work so hard together to accomplish something that all the drs said was impossible, i resetablished my faith.

      in my body and my babies and my god.

      it was the saddest pain i have ever felt.

      but somehow i kept one breathing.

      i just wanted to add that along with those 2 m/c i also had one latter that year that i missed a period adn then 3 weeks latter got a big period, i ws sure that i was pregnant.

      a couple months latter i was sure i concieved again, this time i took the morning afterpill, i had just gotten a new job post college and i could not face another m/c.

      1.5 years latter i concieved my dd and i knew KNEW from the minute she was concieved that she was real

      she was ready

      and so was i.

      and luckily for me, my losses give me reminder to LOVE my baby every second of her life...love her b/c that second is really all you have.

      (ps all my m/c were unrealted, even though i was labled a cronic aborter b/c i had more than one, there was no medical connection...just luck.)

      #25; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:11:00 GMT
    • THis is my story. I don't think I have posted it on this thread before.

      I found out in an u/s that the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. This was at 10 weeks pregnant. So I waited a couple of weeks to pass it on my own. That was a terribly long time. I was going to call on monday and schedule the surgery, but on Friday it started. It did not go well. I bled for more than 30 minutes gushing. I was about to pass out so i called 911. We had to do the d&c. I had been miscarrying for almost two days. More than anything I didn't want the surgery but I had to have it. When they sent me home, I passed out in the car. I came back to the hospital and they wanted me to have a blood transfusion and a catscan. Luckily they got canceled but i had already drank the barium. I had to wean my son temporarily b/c of the barium. By the time it got out of my system, he was weaned. I will always wonder if I had progesterone issues. Maybe if I had not nursed while pregnant, it wouldn't have happened. I know they say it is safe, but I will always wonder.

      #26; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:11:00 GMT
    • this is the first post i have put up since my m/c.

      my husband and i were going for a hike and i felt a small gush of water. i thought that my vaginal secretions were changing because of the pregnancy. i than saw light brown spotting. we ate beans for dinner that night and i was having cramping so i thought is was just gas :p

      i woke up the next morning and there was brighter blood, but still not very much. i was trying not to freek out. later in the day the cramps started and blood was slowly pouring out, like a medium period. this went on from monday to friday. the cramps got really severe and i felt like i was "going into labor" still nothing came out. so i thought that maybee it disolved and already came out. so i was feeling better by saturday and went to work. by my last massage appt. i had to go to the bathroom. as i went all of a sudden this thing shot out of my yoni and i knew i had finally passed it. i took it out and wraped it in a plastic bag and put it in my lunch bag in the fridge. :o i did not want to flush it.

      so after work i went to my garden and did a ceremony. i cut open the placenta, which was so healthy and the size of a petite pear. inside was a sack and what looked like a fish egg the size of a pencil eraser. i was supposed to be 2 1/2 months pregnant!

      i was surprised and releaved because i realized that there was nothing wrong with my body and it may have been all the hot springs i went to early on before i knew i was pregnant. there was a certain point a week before the mc happened that all my exhaustion, huge appetite, and sore boobies went away. I was even starting to show. i bled dark blood lightly for a week and a half after. than i ovualted. i haven't had my period yet.

      we were not planning this baby but with all the emotions we had when we were pregnant, we both now know we definetly want to be parents. It was very hard for the first week when it was happening, we both greeved. and now i am present and fine with it because it is what happened. i am totaly changed forever. we are ttc now with a concious conception.

      blessings :heartbeat

      #27; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:13:00 GMT
    • Thank you Mamas for sharing these very personal experiences in this safe space. I am waiting for my body to miscarry my baby and it has been comforting to read your words. Because of your posts, I have been able to actively choose the route I want to take. My only fear now is seeing my baby when it is born. But I will face that.

      Much love,

      ND

      Edited to add my experiences.

      I found out Monday 10-17 that my baby died. I started suspecting something was wrong about 4 days earlier (I had some minor spotting, and wasnt sick anymore) and it was a very painful, agonizing time leading up to my ultrasound on Monday. I was really feeling the grief then. Once I knew, I went on emotional disconnect. I did not feel sadness, anger, fear, anything. I just felt tired. I stopped spotting as I waited to miscarry. I had had cramps after the vaginal ultrasound but they stopped and my body was quiet. What a strange thing. I knew something was going on underneath it all because I would wake in the night and not be able to sleep. I was distressed that I was not feeling more. Everyone was wonderful and supportive but I felt like a fraud because I wasnt feeling grief. A friend told me that this was the grief expressing itself to me. It actually seemed unreal to me that I was even pregnant. I felt the same as before except 10 lbs heavier and my clothes don't fit. At that time, I couldn't even capture in my mind the feelings I have had for the past weeks that I was pregnant. I actually still cant. That made me sad because the baby had been very real to me just a few days prior.

      A friend came by with a meal and a gift of tea. Her card reminded me that this baby is real. I know I love this baby, I was so worried about it just days before. Maybe my brain was dissociating my heart to protect myself. I really felt like I needed to experience the miscarriage to go through the experience and have the grief. I worried if I had a D&C that I wouldnt experience it and I would stay in limbo. I also read this thread and saw how important it was for Mamas to actually see their babies, and realized that that would never be an option to me if I had a D&C. I worried about how long it would take before the miscarriage happened.

      I was also worried about what it would be like to pass/birth the baby. The midwife and the nurse said I probably wouldnt be able to identify the baby in what comes out. She said it would only be like a heavy period because the baby died at an early point. I was worried I would see a formed little baby. I was worried I wouldnt see a baby. I wanted to be able to birth my child and somehow honor her.

      I had the miscarriage on Thursday night. This was what I wrote about it the next morning.

      I am so glad I read about other womens experiences. It helped me know what to expect. I had the miscarriage last night. When I went to bed, the contractions started up and it was over in a couple of hours. I started bleeding and cramping a little yesterday afternoon during a nap but it wasn't until I went to bed at 11 that the contractions really started. Unbelievable that so much blood could come out and how much the contractions hurt. It was really intense and really painful. A lot like labor, just a weird, small uterus labor. The pains were really like labor pains except they seemed to be missing a component. If I had not known that the bleeding would be like that I would have feared I was hemorrhaging to death. The midwife said to expect a heavy period. I worked with baby to make strong productive contractions. I spoke to it and told it how proud of it I was, and how good it was doing making these wonderful contractions. I told it how much I loved it. It was over in a couple hours. I even seemed to go through a transition-like phase where I was puking, had diarrhea, and almost passed out. At that point, I got scared and called out to DP. He woke up and stayed with me, rubbing my lower back, which seemed to be a spot where I was feeling the contractions the most. His hand on my back was one of the best things I have ever felt. I only felt the contractions when I was lying on my side. But I would get up and sit on the toilet to let the blood and clots come out. I gave up on using pads because they would just get soaked and used a towel between my legs. It was very sad but I am so glad I chose to have the baby this way, a birth so to speak. I thought at the time that I had found the baby as well. (I actually didnt, but in retrospect, I realize how incredibly important it was to me to see my baby and I am so glad I chose this route).

      After the miscarriage, I bled red blood. It was kind of like a medium period flow. I had bad cramps the next day.

      On Saturday 10-22, two days after the miscarriage, I was putting my little daughter down for her nap when I stood up out of the rocking chair and felt something huge come out of me. It was painless. At first I thought it was enormous gush of blood but it was solid. I passed a biggish placenta about 2 inches and the embryonic sac. I washed it off because it was covered in clots and opened the sac. I finally found the baby and it was tiny, about 3 mm flat little disc. I can only imagine that the baby died but the placenta and extra-fetal tissues just kept growing. That was shocking to happen but I am glad it did. I showed it to DP and also my older daughter who asked to see my baby that came out of me.

      I think it is significant that the event of my baby peacefully passing out of my body was separate from the painful scary miscarriage. I am so glad it happened this way.

      I knit a wool bag to put the baby and placenta in. I am going to line it with milkweed silk and rose petals from the white roses DP brought me on Monday after I found out the baby died. I am going to also add the babys four leaf clover that I found right before I got pregnant. I am going to write a note to the baby telling it how much I love it. We will bury it in a beautiful spot in nature, and will put the roses on top.

      My friend is a Reiki practitioner and she offered to treat me to help me feel better. It was really relaxing and I was open to the experience. The first amazing thing that happened was than when she put her hands on my hips, I was overcome with deep emotion. I haven't been able to access that part of my emotional self but with her touch it was opened up. When she moved on, the emotion subsided. When she came back to the spot, it came back out. I cried for my baby. I know there is more under there for me to process and I know that is a job for me on a future day. During the session I thought I heard her two year old son in the room. I heard him snuffling through a stuffed up nose. I heard his quiet breaths. I heard the little quiet footsteps on the floor walking around my head. And I felt his presence around my head. I kept waiting for him to ask his mom something and I wondered if it would disturb the flow of the session. But he never said anything. When it was all done, I took the eye pillow off and saw that the door was shut. I asked my friend if her son had been in the room and she told me that No, he had not. I know there was a child there with me. I know it in the very core of my being. I think it was my baby come to connect and be with me. It was amazing. What a gift she gave me with that reiki session. After the session, the bleeding got heavier, like a heavy period flow.

      Physically I am now feeling better. I am still bleeding. Emotionally, I feel pretty down, and wrung out. I have been processing the events of the past week, but havent even begun to deal with the deeper implications of it all. I think that will be hard when that comes to the surface.

      I have learned a lot from this miscarriage. I learned that the fear of something like this is much worse than dealing with the actual event. I learned how amazing my friends are. I learned of the deep trust I have for my body, and its ability to do what it must. I was reminded that our children are not our own. We are given them and entrusted to their care, but they are their own beings with independent destinies. This has been an important reminder to me as I try to teach and mold my daughters.

      Edited again to add my HCG data.

      1.5 weeks after the MC: beta = 206 light bleeding and spotting.

      2.5 weeks after the MC: beta = 61.5 Had red, gushing bleeding episode again.

      4.5 weeks after the MC: beta = 13.5 Bleeding is starting to increase again.

      I have had bleeding in some form or another pretty much consistently for the past 42 days (The week before the MC, and the 4.5 weeks after). After the MC it has cycled between light brown flow and spotting. With a few episodes of heavy red bleeding.

      I am really glad I went back on Zoloft when this happened. I have been feeling more depressed than I have been in a long time. It has been a lot to cope with.

      #28; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:14:00 GMT
    • Thanks for this thread. It has been helpful to read others experiences as I was waiting to miscarry. And now I'll share my story.

      I was 10 weeks along. It was last Friday, the 14th. I woke up from some extrememly sexual dreams involving Brad Pitt, which was unusual. I had not felt "in the mood" for quite awhile! I went to the bathroom, wiped and saw bright red blood. I also felt slightly crampy. I consulted two of my pregnancy books, then decided to put a call in to my midwife/OB office. I called DH at work to tell him I thought I was miscarrying. A nice nurse called me back and suggested I come in for an ultrasound. It was so hard waiting 5 hours until the appointment. DS knew something was up but expected a normal day. A friend offered to watch him while I went to my appointment.

      It was pouring rain, and although DH works walking distance from the hospital, I told him not to worry about coming over. The ultrasound technician was very kind. She took a look then said she was only seeing a sac, and that there should be more at this point. So right then I knew it was bad. She said an internal u/s would be more clear, and that she'd be back in a few minutes with an OB who would look, too. The OB who came in was also very kind. She said she'd tell me everything but to give them a few minutes to look. I didn't look at the screen. I could tell there wasn't much to see. They took a few measurements, but I just knew. When it was over, the OB gently said normally by this time there should be a heartbeat and there isn't one. And it looked as though I was only 8 weeks along but I should be 10, given my regular cycles and LMP. So there it was. I think they were surprised that I took it so well, but then I sobbed when they left the room.

      I was then seen by a midwife who told me I had some options: let my body miscarry on its own, misoprostal or a D&C. Since I was already bleeding, she advised that letting my body do it on its own would be best. And I agreed.

      I drove over to DH's office and he came down to the car to hear my news. He was sweet. But he couldn't leave work yet, so I drove home alone in the rain.

      I continued bleeding somewhat lightly through the next morning. I decided to go to a Hatha Yoga class, thinking that would help me mentally and maybe speed things up. It worked. I started cramping heavily a couple hours later. I asked DH to take DS to MIL's to give me some time alone. I felt my body wouldn't do its work until I was alone. I started passing clots when I went to the bathroom. They felt like another post said, like blobs of jello. It was a strange sensation when they slid out.

      I wasn't sure if I would try to save "it" or not. I actually put the first clot in a baggie but ended up throwing it away after so many more went into the toilet. How would I know when I passed the sac, I wondered? By 5:30pm, my cramping stopped and I thought, that must be it. I must be done. Ha. The cramping started again at about 9pm. By the time DH came home with my sleeping DS, I was out of pads - I didn't know I'd need so many! The only place open was the evil 24-hour WalMart Super Center (sorry if that offends anyone). I wanted to go in myself to see what my options were. Silly me. As soon as I walked in, I felt a huge gush. I knew I must have soaked through my pants. I foolishly did my shopping and stood in line to pay before going to their restroom. My god I have never seen a pad so saturated! And my underwear and pants were a mess. And hanging out of me was the biggest clot yet. I had to sort of knock it the rest of the way out with toilet paper. I hated leaving it there, at evil WalMart, but I flushed, cleaned myself and the toilet as best as I could, and went back to the car. I was scared of how much blood there was. DH urged me to call the midwife. She was on duty and called me back. The bleeding had slowed by then, and she said everything sounded normal, and as long as the bleeding slowed, I should try to get some sleep. I got a good night's rest without further incident.

      Sunday morning I was cramping heavily again, so we sent DS to play at my friend's house again. I passed a few more clots but by evening I felt fine. We had some company over, even. Monday morning I was cramping so badly again, DH stayed home from work. Ibuprofen helped with the cramping and I felt fine again by midday. I had an appointment with the midwife that afternoon. I decided I really wanted another u/s to see if I had passed the sac or not. How long would this process take? They did agree to do another u/s although they said they might not be able to see well. The OB that came to look was also very kind. He saw that there was still some material low down inside, couldn't say exactly what, that it would surely come out in the next 12-24 hours and there was no need to intervene. Sigh. Home again.

      Today I felt mildly crampy and was still bleeding, but nothing major. At about 12:45pm, I went to pee, and felt pressure, like something was about to come out. Then out came something larger and firmer. It plopped into the toilet. Rather undramatic! I looked and knew it was the sac. I decided to fish it out with a spoon, while DS looked on, asking me what I was doing. Geez. I told him I was cleaning the toilet. It was about the size of a lime, dark red with whitish flecks inside. I didn't want to look too closely. I put it in a clean ziplock bag and put inside another bag. I called DH to tell him it came out. As luck would have it, a friend was coming over for lunch who is a lab technician. She offered to have a look and she felt certain it was the sac. She was very kind. I cried a bit. Our boys played and we had lunch.

      I have the sac in the fridge, unsure whether I will have it analyzed or bury it somewhere meaningful. DH said it is up to me.

      It has been a longer process than I expected, but I don't regret letting my body do it naturally. I am in awe of my body, in fact. I feel blessed with DS and DH. I feel hopeful for the next one.

      Best wishes to you all.

      #29; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:15:00 GMT
    • :hug

      I do know how hard this is. :(

      #30; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:16:00 GMT
    • Hi everyone,

      I finally am able to finish my story and post it here. I know its long, you wouldnt think it would be this much of an epic for such a short pregnancy. I miscarried a blighted ovum around 9 weeks along. Im glad this thread was here it was a big help to me as I was waiting for the miscarriage to happen. I hope my experience is helpful somehow.

      I first had some brown spotting on October 28. I was seven weeks and one day along. It continued light throughout the weekend, usually brown but sometimes streaked with pink. It made me uneasy but I couldnt do anything I was out of town and wasnt about to go to the ER for brown spotting with no pain.

      On Monday, Halloween, I went in to the clinic and saw a different doctor than my usual OB. This woman was so wonderful to me Im thinking of switching permanently. She was so kind and compassionate, it really helped with this whole process. She ordered an ultrasound so my husband and I went up to get it done. I was prepared for whatever we might see. My symptoms for this pregnancy had been very mild. Almost no nausea, no sorness in my breasts, not even much thirst I remembered being queasy, sore, and parched during my pregnancy with DD, so it threw me off. I was prepared for bad news, in my gut.

      As the ultrasound started, a dark spot showed on the screen. I knew dark spots meant fluid. I asked, Is that my bladder? And the ultrasound tech said softly thats the gestational sac. And I knew right then that this was not good. I knew at 7 weeks we should see a heartbeat, and there was nothing inside that dark hole. She searched for a long time, and offered up what she was looking for. Something that looked like a cheerio that would be a yolk sac, and a little thing flashing that would be the babys heart. There was nothing. She wiggled the wand up and down, side to side checking along both axes and nothing was there. Finally she removed the wand and said Im sorry, theres just isnt an easy way to say it and she left without saying the thing that was so hard to say.

      My DH and I were mostly stunned. I shed a few tears. Not many. He didnt understand how this could happen. Hed never heard of it before. I had heard about it from my online friends, but wasnt really prepared for it to happen to us. Later we decided that of all the bad outcomes there could have been, this wasnt so bad there is no baby to lose. Easier to take than to see a baby there with a heartbeat that was in trouble and we couldnt do anything right?

      The nice OB talked to me about options.. D&C versus waiting it out. I thought since I was already spotting, maybe this would take care of itself. We scheduled another u/s for Friday to see where the process was, and wed decide then about what to do about a D&C or not.

      Most of this week went pretty smoothly. I spotted lightly all week, and it gradually changed from brown to pink to red-streaked. My Friday appointment came and that day my emotional dam burst. I had been holding up so well, and for reasons I cant explain, I lost control on Friday. Nothing at all would happen and Id just start sobbing. It wasnt even like I was thinking about losing the pregnancy and getting sad I was just an emotional train wreck, not thinking about anything, just getting it out. I went to the ultrasound and the sac was the same size. My doctor talked to me again about options. I told her (in between tears) that in my gut I felt the miscarriage was going to start on its own soon. I was such a mess emotionally my hormones must have just crashed for this to happen. I was spotting red now something was going to happen. Anyway the only good day for a D&C was that day and I wasnt quite ready to do it yet. So we decided on more waiting.

      Saturday, I took my daughter to the mall play area for a half hour. When I went to the restroom at the mall, I passed a small clot. I freaked, decided the mall was NOT the place to have a miscarriage, and told my upset two-year-old that we would have to go home because mommy was sick. I bribed her with candy. I went home and nothing happened that night, but the spotting was heavier.

      Sunday, I talked to one of my good friends who had been through a similar miscarriage two years ago. She described to me the pain and how suddenly it came on. After talking to her, I decided not to go to an awards dinner an hour away from home. Too far to travel, I didnt want to have a miscarriage huddled on the bathroom floor of a university ballroom. I cancelled and arranged for other people to give my speeches. The spotting got heavier and became more like a period-type bleeding, but it was definitely not a miscarriage yet.

      Monday came with nothing major to speak of. I went to work. I came home. I continued with the period-like bleeding but did not have a miscarriage. Mentally this was really starting to wear on me this didnt feel right. Miscarriages dont happen like this. You dont bleed gradually for weeks and weeks. Youre supposed to cramp and have pain and pass everything at once and be done with it. My hormones must be all messed up. My body was incapable of doing anything right this time around couldnt create a baby, sustain a pregnancy, or even get rid of it properly when it didnt work out.

      On Tuesday finally something happened (this was 1 week and 1 day from when the blighted ovum was diagnosed so I was 8 weeks along). That evening, as my husband was trying to put our DD to bed, I felt a pop and a gush I went in the bathroom and sat down and a big chunk of flesh had come out of me. It looked like a bloody piece of liver there in the toilet. I stared at it. I actually fished it out with a spoon (dont tell my husband) and tried to figure out if it was the sac. I couldnt tell it was torn and flat, so probably not. My husband came downstairs to ask for help with DD and I said I think I just had the miscarriage. It didnt even hurt.

      But it wasnt over. I felt another pop and a gush and sat down and more came out. And then more. Every time Id finish and clean myself up and put on a fresh pad and flush, Id have another gush and have to sit right back down on the toilet and pass more clots and tissue.

      About 10:15 is when the pain set in a pain that filled my whole abdomen. It was especially bad on the lower back and right on the cervix. I took a Darvocet and went upstairs. I found some relief if I got on all fours with my butt in the air. I lay like that for a half hour, but did not feel any more gushes. By 11:00pm or so the pain had subsided enough that I lay down in bed. By midnight the cramping had stopped completely and I fell asleep, fitfully.

      Wednesday, I did not go to work. I could tell I wasnt done with this process because of the incredible pressure I had last night there was still something in there that had to come out. When nothing happened in the morning, I got brave and took DD to the grocery store. While I was taking the groceries out to the car I felt another pop and gush and started cursing my stupidity. I sat on a blanket and hoped I wouldnt make a huge mess in the car. Amazingly, the mess was completely confined to a pad, soaked from end to end. I passed a ton of awful clots. I put poor DD down for a nap without even a story thankfully she was feeling agreeable and fell asleep quickly (I hope I never take for granted how awesome she has been through this whole nightmare), so I could focus my energy on running to the bathroom and changing pads. I called my OB to let her know what was going on. She wanted me to come in for one more ultrasound to see how things were progressing I made my husband come home from work early and I drove myself to the doctors office. I used the bathroom there once every ten minutes or so, and passed more clots. The ultrasound tech said the sac was still in there, but it was moving. It moved closer to the cervix just in the time I was in there for the scan. There was still quite a bit of tissue around it. More?!?!! I could not believe the massive amounts of bloody flesh that were coming out of me. It was absolutely gory. I couldnt tell if I was soaking more than a pad an hour because most everything ended up in the toilet. But I felt fine, my skin color was good, Id had a good lunch and had energy. I didnt even have much pain. This was just extremely gross.

      That office visit, we scheduled a D&C for Friday. I decided that my body was going to have to finish the miscarriage in the next two days, and if it didnt, I was going to force the issue. This had dragged on so long and I was so tired and wanted my life back. I got blood drawn and answered pre-op questions and the nurse who helped me fill out forms said she felt she was pretty sure Id just finish the miscarriage by Friday.

      That evening, by 7pm, I was done passing clots and tissue. I still felt an incredible pressure on the cervix and knew there was more coming. Would this ever end?

      Thursday came. Exactly 9 weeks along now from my last menstrual period, and a week and a half from my diagnosis. That morning I planned to go to a 9am meeting with a financial planner and then to work. However at 8am I felt another pop and a gush and knew I wasnt going anywhere that morning. I arranged for my husband to drop off some papers for me at work, and I sat at home on the toilet all morning. My parents were in to visit and help out with DD, which was somewhat of a help, but there was nothing they could do for me to make me feel better. I was miserable. I wasnt really in pain, but I was trapped between watching TV and going to the toilet for hours. And I still hadnt passed the sac. Inherently this is a very lonely process. It is a hard road that no one can walk for you.

      By noon the blood and gore was over but I *still* felt that awful pressure right there on my cervix, and the best analogy I can think of is that I felt corked. No blood or tissue was coming out because something big was sitting there, right on top of the cervix, not letting anything else out. I knew it was the sac. My cervix dilated enough to let out an 8 pound baby.. and it refused to dilate enough to let out a sac the size of an apricot. I was going mad. I cried on my moms shoulder, I whined about the unfairness of it all, I cried about the lost time and lost chances and the pregnancy that could have been.

      Friday, finally. I passed no more clots and had no more gushes. I went to an ultrasound at 11:30 before the D&C. I told the tech I was sure I knew what wed see. The sac would be there and sitting right on top of the cervix. You know what? It was. Right there. Very low and just sitting there. All the tissue around it was gone I was just corked up like I thought.

      I was ready for the D&C I had eaten no food and drank no liquid, I had a change of clothes and a dear husband who would drive me home and take care of me. The OB came in (the same kind OB I saw from the first visit) and I ranted about how awful my last three days had been. Id been miscarrying for three days, my body couldnt get it right, now I just wanted it over. I was ready. She said, kind of in a rush, that she thought maybe we could get the sac out without a D&C. Maybe she could reach in and just fish it out. We decided to try. She moved me to a room, used a speculum and a thing that looked like round tweezers, and it didnt even hurt. She just pulled the sac out and she was done. I asked to see it. It was there on a white sheet, like a fat bloody Vienna sausage. It was really kind of amazing. She poked at it a little to see if it was a blood clot or tissue, and determined it was tissue. She said that was definitely it, and she apologized for seeming disrespectful to it. I didnt mind. It didnt hold a baby, but it was still a perfect little thing that shared DNA with me and my husband. She took it away for testing and I let her. It gave me some sense of closure to see it. I am not religious at all and I surprised myself by thinking sometimes things do seem to happen for a reason. If I had miscarried completely on my own, Im not sure I would have recognized the sac. If Id had the D&C, I never would have seen it. This way, I got the closure I needed. I felt a big sense of relief and a lot of respect.. for me, my body, the baby that wasnt, all the women in the world that have ever suffered this kind of loss.

      From the ultrasound we could tell my endometrium was still thickened, so Im having period-like bleeding now and I expect I will for a few days. Im a little apprehensive, hoping that everything goes normally from here on out, but worried that it wont, somehow. Ill bleed for weeks or have weird things with my hormones that prevent me from cycling naturally I hope that doesnt happen, but my luck hasnt been great for the past couple of weeks and I dont know what to think anymore.

      My emotions have been up and down since then. Mostly I feel relief and a readiness to move on. Occasionally I get emotional and cry and feel lost. Going to the bookstore tonight gave me an unexpected sense of loss, seeing the pregnancy books, the childrens books, the parenting magazines. Even though I look at childrens books all the time for DD, tonight it made me feel just lonely. I miss looking forward to first kicks, the twenty-week ultrasound, my due date in June.

      But Im ok knowing that time will soften the blow and we can try again for a baby very soon. Its easier to have patience as time goes on. I know well get there and overall the future looks pretty bright.

      #31; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:17:00 GMT
    • I wish I'd had this thread when I had my first miscarriage, it would have helped me.

      With my first, I was about 6-7 weeks pregnant. It was a surprise, because I was on birth control, but so very wanted.

      I was so excited. I didn't tell many people, but I did tell some. Some just guessed on their own by how different I looked.

      Late at night I went to the bathroom and saw a spot of blood. I thought, "Oh god I had a period and wasn't pregnant at ALL!" at first. But the next morning there was no more blood. I put a pantyliner on just the same, and hoped that it was just a fluke.

      I started having terrible shoulder pain the next afternoon, the day before I was going in to have my first doctor appointment. I felt sick, and in pain. I went home early. My then-fiance-now-husband was not with me at the time (he lived 1500 miles away), I had my best friend. She knew what was happening before I could admit to it.

      The cramps were horrible, and felt so different then any other menstrual cramp I'd ever had. I lay in bed for hours, bleeding, and crying, and holding her hand and trying to tell her why these felt so wrong.

      She pressed a carved stone egg into my stomach and meditated with me, easing my little spirit to wherever she was going.

      After I'd spent a few days recovering, she gave me the egg as a gift and told me to hold it whenever I felt sad, because she'd come back to me.

      I had one other miscarriage before the birth of my daughter, and was completely unaware of it. It was a month before I got married and all I remember is an abnormal cycle and very heavy bleeding.

      I had two miscarriages after my daughter. One was extremely early: 5 weeks.

      Another was after I had an IUD put in. I started spotting the day it was inserted and didn't stop for three months. I was assured this was normal and my fertility hadn't returned (I hadn't yet had a period after giving birth to my daughter). Around 3.5 months after I had the IUD inserted, I had a huge increase in bleeding, pain, and felt nauseated. I pulled out my Diva Cup that evening and my IUD was inside. Along with it was a reddish, translucent jelly-like sac almost the same size. I got scared, because I knew that wasn't part of me, and threw everything in the bathtub and ran the water.

      I went to the ER and a doctor palpated my uterus, did an internal, and told me that I had undoubtably miscarried. She drew blood for records, but it took over 4 months to get my doctor to tell me I'd been pregnant.

      I'd had no idea I was pregnant, or how far along I was.

      #32; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:18:00 GMT
    • First of all, I should introduce myself. This is my first post, this forum was suggested to me by someone on another message board. I'm Lyn, I live in Indianapolis, I have a wonderful fiancee. I wasn't going to mention this at first because you never know how people'll be, but we're lesbians, and in addition to my miscarriage in September, she's had two since we've been together and two before me, and I guess that's relevant. Her name is Bailey, and I'm very appreciative of this thread. These are the things that I've always wished I could tell her, and she'd listen, but I know that she really doesn't want the mental images that I have.

      I had some bleeding at about 5 weeks and thought that maybe either the test had been wrong and I wasn't pregnant, or it was an early miscarriage. I was crushed, but I tried to suck it up and not lose it, and then a few weeks later noticed that none of my symptoms, morning sickness, etc. had gone away, and I'd had terrible morning sickness. I thought that maybe, maybe, that had just been normal spotting - it was really more than spotting, but I'd been told that some women have an apparently normal period during the first month of pregnancy - but tried to convince myself that I was grasping at straws and in denial. I couldn't shake what my intuition (and constant nausea) was saying, so I got another test, and lo and behold - I was still pregnant. I was overjoyed.

      At 9 or 10 weeks, I woke up bleeding. I knew that it wasn't just a period (I was still, in the back of my mind, thinking that my luck wasn't that good and the positive test was a mistake) because my periods start slow, with just spotting for a full day. But I woke up and went to the bathroom, and the insides of my thighs were covered with blood. I couldn't get out of going to work. I went to work, and was cramping terribly, and had a weird feeling of indigestion. I could hardly stand to walk across the room. I knew that you weren't supposed to use tampons during a miscarriage and I knew that this was a miscarriage, but I was at work and had no choice, and I bled through a maximum absorbancy tampon every half hour or less. I left work as soon as I could, went home, and got into a warm bath. I started passing large clots, bigger than any normal period clots, and just layed back in the bathtub, crying and trying not to look at anything in the water. Bailey had told me what she'd seen with her miscarriages, and I didn't want to see it.

      I was weak, and I eventually got out of the tub, and as I did, felt something come out. Without glasses it looked like a huge blood clot, and I picked up with a towel.

      It wasn't until I miscarried that I found out that I'd been carrying twins. They were each about an inch long, and what I could never forget was that they had hands and hearts... I never realized how hard this would be to write. In the left center of each of their chests was a little dark red, almost black thing about the size of the entire lead tip of a pencil, which I suppose could've been something else but I took to be their hearts. I never knew for sure, but I've always thought of them as boys. My best friend who miscarried a few years ago says that she knew without question that her baby was a boy, just from the energy. I never did name them. Maybe I should. Maybe it would help.

      Anyway, there it is. That's the first time that I've ever told that entire story.

      #33; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:19:00 GMT
    • I've lost two. You never forget though it does get easier with time.

      The first was on Dec 2, 1990. Dh was in the Gulf during desert storm while I stayed with his mom... I found out I was pregnant shortly after dh left. I began having tummy cramps around the 10 week mark but didn't think a lot about it I already had one dd who was 1 1/2 I never imagined anything could be wrong.. I visited the doctor faithfully yet at my 12 week appt. the dr. said he thought I may be carrying twins and would like to do an ultrasound to find out for sure... He told me this but also said to not get to excited and not to run home and get in touch with dh.. (I should have paid better attention-- been able to read between the lines better but I didn't) I shouldn't tell this until we were sure. YEAH right!! Dh called that night (I had nothing to do with this as I had no way of contacting him). I told him about the possibility of twins and we both shared in the exciting prospect of having two babies at once.

      I went in the next morning with my mil and mils sister. Mil went back with me to get the u/s so she could see her grandbaby(ies) for the first time. The u/s had barely started and the nurse said "I don't see any movement" and "there's no heartbeat"... I wasn't too excited I just said "well maybe I'm not as far along as you think I am" to this she came back with "NO your baby is dead!" I totally broke down... fell apart right there and then for not only did I just lose one baby but the possibility of two. I couldn't see through my tears as I walked across the hall to the dr.s office... before I even entered his room he asked me "when can I pencil you in for a D&C?" I said I didn't believe him or his hateful nurse and that he wouldn't be scheduling me any time soon for one to which I was told I had better be careful because I could bleed to death and I wouldn't want to leave my dd with out a mommy! I went home and prayed/cried myself to sleep that night.

      The next morning I called a family dr/friend and asked for him to perform another u/s just to ease my mind. He originally didn't want to but after a little persuasion on my part he agreed. The u/s revealed there was only one baby and it had been deceased for two weeks. I ended up going through a d&c without dh--VERY hard.

      I lost an innocence with this pregnancy loss and a ton of respect for dr's in general.

      The second was in May of 1996. I was again 12 weeks pregnant but this time I began bleeding along with tummy cramps... I went to the hospital; an u/s was preformed which revealed a teeny tiny baby with a beating heart in a very large sack. I saw the baby on the u/s. It only mildly reassured me. I continued to bleed for several days and the tummy cramps gradually grew worse to a point I ended up back in the ER. I begged them to do something the baby was still alive but there was nothing that could be done. (I later found out that the baby wasn't growing properly). I rode home again and to me it felt like the last few contractions at the end of labor I was doing my "choo choo" breathing (from Lamaze) to cope. I walked to the house made it to the bed. Dh barely laid down when I heard a loud POP dh heard it too it was all over.. I immediately felt 100% better. I went to the bathroom where I found a white bean looking thing and a ton of blood nothing else. I took this with me back to the hospital. I was hemorrhaging so another d&c was preformed. I was more at peace with this loss as I could see it coming... I knew it was inevitable. I was offered a small ceramic jar and the ashes of this baby for a family burial if I chose which I did. I purchased two jars one for the first baby too... even though I didn't have that baby I still had u/s pictures and a small rattle and socks that I had purchased... So those things were placed in the jar and we had a small ceremony for both losses. We also released a pink and blue balloon (I always envisioned the first to be a boy the second a girl). It was a great release, much needed closure.

      With my pregnancy with DS I was a basket case! To put it mildly!! I've lost every other pregnancy and he was the every other. I made it to 12 weeks and began bleeding. I KNEW I was going to lose him. I never allowed my heart to get attached EVER (how sad is that?). I was diagnosed with low lying placenta and placed on bed rest. Then at 30 weeks I began having preterm labor. I was placed on meds to stop labor. Thankfully I was wrong and I now have a very health 6 month old and couldn't be any happier.

      #34; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:20:00 GMT
    • I waited about three weeks from the time I found out that I most likely did not have a viable pregnancy until the time I finally m/c. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of Nov 05 and went to the dr on Nov 21. My MW did some blood tests because she saw bleeding on my cervix and because I did not have any pregnancy symptoms other than a positive test. The next day, I found out that my pregesterone was very low. My MW offered me progesterone supplements, but I chose not to take them because I had felt all along that something bad was going to happen with this pregnancy. I had an u/s on Dec 1 and the baby measuered 7w2d and we couldn't see a heartbeat but the technician said that my bladder was too full (and I tried twice to empty it) and was not allowing her a clear view of the baby. On Dec 8, I went back for another u/s and still no heartbeat could be seen but the technician said that a color u/s machine would give a clearer view and that she'd have my MW refer me to a local hospital for that. The color u/s was set up to be done on Dec 13 - I ended up not needing that appointment.

      On Dec 12, I got up and went to work as usual. When I got to work, I went to the bathroom as usual, but when I was washing my hands I felt a weird feeling in my uterus/cervix/vagina area. It felt kind of like jello was coming out of me. I take two steps towards the door of the bathroom and realized that the 'jello' was coming out of me then. I go back into the stall, sit down, and out comes the 'jello'. I wasn't sure what it was, but I could tell it was not a clump of blood so I reach into the toilet and pull out a fully intact sac. It was clear but with a yellowish tint to it and I could clearly see the baby inside. After that, the floodgates open and I bled fairly heavily (about two pads in the next hour). By the time I got to my MWs office an hour later, the bleeding had greatly reduced to only being about as heavy as a heavy period day but I had no major pain or cramping (only as bad as a regular period). By the next day, my bleeding had slowed to a medium flow day. On Wed Dec 14, I passed another clump that, again, felt like jello sliding out of me which my MW said was normal tissue that sometimes comes out (gee, I would have like to have been warned that this would happen). My bleeding stopped on Sat, Dec 17. I honestly had very little pain (no worse than a period) and my bleeding (other than the first couple of hours) was only slightly heavier and slightly longer than a regular period.

      I do realize that my m/c seems to have been very different from other's experience (in terms of pain and bleeding) but it was no less emotionally difficult for me. Physicially, it wasn't very bad which may have helped me deal with the emotional part of it a bit better than I expected I would. Also, my MW was surprised to see the sac as intact as it was and she did explain it to me (as in 'this is where the placenta was forming', 'this the yolk sac', etc) which also may have helped me deal with it emotionally a bit better than I thought I would.

      Kathleen

      #35; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:21:00 GMT
    • I want to add my story because reading through these has helped me immensely. I knew what to expect & didn't panic when it got dramatic.

      It's still fresh on my mind & I'm not entirely sure it's over, I'm still spotting.

      On Friday the 30th I went for my first prenatal appt, they did an u/s & were only able to see a sac measuring 4w6d, and through charting I knew it was supposed to be 6w4d. I had suspected a problem earlier on when my constipation turned into other GI problems & I had only fleeting moments of nausea but extreme fatigue. I tried to find reassurance in that but just had a feeling.

      The MW's plan was to do another U/S in 2wks, and I was dreading the wait. 2 days later, on new years day, I started cramping very deep & spotting. By bedtime it was bright red, light flow. The following day I started passing some clots & had medium flow & more cramping... it hurt into my lower back & I wanted to squat & do pelvic rocks/tilts. On the third day the bleeding slowed down considerably & the cramping/aching back got much worse. By the afternoon I was extremely uncomfortable and felt a lot of pressure at my cervix. I started using the heating pad on my lower back & tummy, it helped. A few mamas suggested I try blue cohosh so dh went out & got some... I took the "recommended dose" and got into the shower. I felt the need to really scrub, i have no idea if this made a difference in the progress but it felt good & really cleansing. I suddenly felt the urge to push and did so & out came a mass along w/really large clots. I was in a little bit of shock but thought to stop the drain. I squatted & stared at it, it was surreal. It wasn't as dramatic as I was expecting. I poked around in it & saw what looked like the sac & placental tissue.. the sac looked like a deflated cocktail onion, only larger, and the placental tissue was whitish streaked w/ blood & had a bumpy surface, about the size of half my palm. I called to my dh & he brought me a jar. I pulled out the tissue and put it in there & finished my shower... feeling great & peaceful about the whole thing. I felt great about my body's ability to take care of itself... and calm about the loss. That night I had very heavy bleeding at times but pressure was gone & I thought the worst was behind me. On Wed. I had more cramping but lighter flow again, a few med. sized clots that would only come out when I used the bathroom... in fact from this point on that's the only time I would pass clots. I was feeling calm about the whole thing & thought it was all getting better. Thursday started out a lot like Wed., cramping & mild bleeding... but I had to go to the hosp. for blood work & a rhogam shot, while there I passed a massive clot, probably the size of a plum and had a lot of cramping. After the clot I began to bleed pretty heavily again. When I was leaving the hospital, taking the elevator down, the grief hit me like a wave. I fell apart. It was sleeting out & when I heard the sound of frozen rain on some dried hydrangeas I truly began to feel the loss. I think that's when the shock of it all wore off, I was consumed by sadness. Friday morning started out w/cramping & med. bleeding, by lunch I was an emotional wreck. I started bleeding heavily, passing small bits of grey tissue & felt even more pressure on my cervix. I was trying the tilts/rocks, heating pad. I was miserable. And felt out of control w/my emotions. Luckily, my dd spent the afternoon & evening w/my IL's. Dh came home at 5 & I had just tried to get in touch w/my MW but got a recording. I was considering going to the hospital because I was feeling so weak & had a lot of pain & low grade fever. We sat & watched a movie, I had a lot of pressure & pain. I started crying out of nowhere and had to get up & use the bathroom. When I sat down I started to really cry & out came another large mass, again the size of a plum. Since we were at home we fished it out because I wanted to inspect it. It was mostly clots. But part of it was a knobby, fleshy mass... and it scared me to death. It looked like a piece of a more advanced fetus, but broken down some. I started looking online to see if it was even POSSIBLE... so many things were running through my mind. I was so afraid to go to the hospital w/ it, wanting to wait until Monday to bring it to my MW. I have such a fear of hospitals, esp. ER's. I talked w/a friend & she calmed me, explaining that it may have been scar tissue. I had to go w/that theory because it wasn't nearly as gruesome as my first explanation. I did some research & think it may be a fibroid. I'll have to wait & see if they can identify it. After that passed, the bleeding picked up considerably. It's hard to say how much, I was using dd's flatfold diapers folded up, several times I soaked all the way through the 8 layers, not much but a drop or so would make it all the way through. The cramps began to subside & today I'm once again feeling that everything has passed. I have spotting to light flow and no cramps. I do have pain & pressure if i have to use the bathroom but other than that I feel back to normal in my tummy. I am pretty weak and need to eat some good iron-rich foods but I *think* the worst is behind me, physically.

      Emotionally I feel a little more evened out today. I was feeling so irrational yesterday and it peaked right before the tissue passed. Today I am sad, but calm. I'm not dealing as well as I thought I would. I had a loss in '95, a blighted ovum.. I had the d& c, it was a very cold & hollow experience. I didn't enjoy much of my dd's pregnancy worrying, and knew that if given another pg I had to be positive, no matter what the outcome would be... what is it.. hope for the best, prepare for the worst & shoot down the middle... only there's no way to guard against the pain you experience w/the loss of a pregnancy. It's just plain sad.

      ETA~The MW said the tissue was pooled blood along w/left over placental tissue. It looked much scarier than that to me, but after it passed my body started getting back to normal. The bleeding has slowed down & I've been just spotting for 2 days, no cramps. Starting to feel kind of "normal" again.

      Lots of healing vibes. Many Blessings, Kelly

      #36; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:22:00 GMT
    • This thread helped me a lot too so I wanted to add my experience. At 14 DPO of my first PP cycle (1st cycle in nearly 2 years) I found out I was pg. The night before I had a dream that I was pg with twins so I decided to test- even though I wasn't even positive I had ovulated- I thought maybe I was sick and had higher temps. I had some s/x but mild (sore breasts nursing, bloating, and heartburn that was the worst that I've ever felt in my life and NOTHING helped). Well, 3 days later I got sick- felt like I had the flu. I had the shivers and then hot flashes and night sweating- I haven't had the flu in years so I thought it was odd. With my 102 fever I went to sleep and had a dream that I m/c'd. The day after the dream I POAS'd and it was still dark BFP... but then I started to have bleeding- light, but that is a regular AF for me (this was NY's Eve). I knew it was over- instantly it seemed all my s/x were gone. I continued to bleed for another 6 days (I normally only have a 1-2 day AF), getting + HPTs the entire time (was checking to see if my HCG level was going down- they were getting lighter but still 2 lines). I had NO pain until the 6th day- then I got bad cramping and a backache for 2 days. By day 11 of bleeding I retested and HPT was -. I bled 13 days total and was 17 DPO when I started to bleed. I saw very few very small clots after the pain started (about the size of capers). I didn't, and still do not, feel any sense of loss. I'm grateful that this happened earlier rather than later and accept that in the greater scheme of things there was a reason for this to happen. I was very confused about how long I bled, etc til I read this post. I would like to thank you all for sharing your experiences- I'm very sorry for your losses mamas :hug
      #37; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:23:00 GMT
    • This thread helped me so much when I started spotting. I thought I'd add another account. I wrote this to send to someone I'd met online who had been waiting to miscarry naturally.

      Both of the midwives we were considering use only fetoscopes until labor so we hadn't even heard a heartbeat, let alone had an ultrasound by the time I started bleeding, one day shy of twelve weeks (Saturday, December 3, 2005).

      The bleeding was pretty light, but alarming, at first. Bright red and somewhat clotty but only like the clots of a period. It continued for about two days in that way - I would only "spot" when i went to the toilet - nothing in between. Being unsure was so difficult. I think I thought mostly that a miscarriage was inevitable but by Monday morning I was in a hopeful mood wishing it was related to placental implantation or some other fluke. I'd been so still for those 48 hours that I finally decided that we needed a nice walk in the snow for air, to see if it stopped or started something, to clear my clouded head. I laid on the ground. I think I'd been thinking all along that if I could just sit on the ground, if it wasn't frozen, my body would respond by releasing or holding on. Really, I think I was holding on too.

      When we got home and warmed up I took off my wind pants and my daughter slid her whole little body into one leg of them. We had called the new baby Lentil and then recently decided that that name was no longer fitting and my husband had started calling the baby Caterpillar. Maeve, my daughter, started sliding across the kitchen floor, and in a voice not quite her own said, "I'm goin' away now. I'm changing. I'm not a caterpillar anymore. I'm changing into a butterfly."

      I gasped. I quietly started to sob. I felt the first large clot fall into my vagina.

      One of the midwives mentioned having a colander by the toilet to pee though. I grabbed one (and a beautiful ceramic Mexican bowl) and from this point on I pretty much had enough warning that I made it to the bathroom for all the large clots. At first the clots were red maroon and about dime to quarter sized. I also thought I saw a mucous plug - sort of red and white striated but all loose and flattened out. No pain, no cramping. This lasted about an hour or two.

      Maeve went to sleep and my husband came home and I started to experience contraction like cramping. Slow and strange at first, and I found my self rocking back and forth, little breaks in between, still not much change in what I was passing. I tried to remember that this "pain" was purposeful, my body was doing amazing work totally intuitively. I thought of the contractions as "rushes" of energy (Ina May Gaskin) and tried to be thankful for a conclusion to this struggle. Though this really varies from woman to woman, I did not experience the contractions as pain, just pressure, and as long as I stood or leaned and swayed the pressure was useful and deal-able. I also used a heating pad. I called my midwife from Portland several times and she really helped to walk me through it. The insight I got from the five (FIVE!) midwives I talked with during this whole process was invaluable. (Three of the five had had natural miscarriages themselves.) She told me to expect clots that were fairly solid and sort of "liver-like". So don't be scared when they get larger. Or, rather, be scared but just for a second, and then realize that it is normal. My body took a little rest and I talked with my husband with the heating pad on my belly. It was quiet and late and sweet. Just like a labor where you sometimes get a lull before the pushing, after this phase I began to pass some much larger clots. I was surprised by how much bigger. I think 2 by 3 inches or so. Anyway, big. Shocking. Amazing. And a lot of blood. Never so much that I got really scared. The rule I heard was soaking (truly SOAKING) more that a pad every 30 minutes was considered dangerous and would probably merit a trip to the ER. (Although I also heard every 15 minutes.) I found it a bit difficult to measure because I spent so much time on the toilet when I could feel something coming. But it all felt efficient. And I felt safe.

      After I passed some large clots things really started to taper off. I started to feel a sort of a sense of peace and was suddenly very sleepy. I got up a fee times to pee and was still bleeding, maybe redder, but not anything that seemed like too much. Sara (our beloved midwife) said it will ease out, and there will be a lot of blood, clots, tissue, but it should never pour out. I think this helped me gauge.

      We met with a midwife in the morning. We had made the appointment before we knew the miscarriage was imminent. We were hoping she could check for a heartbeat with a doppler. We went to thank her for her willingness to help and tell her that we were sure the pregnancy was ending. We went out to breakfast. We thought it was over.

      Later that day I passed another large clot. Very solid. (Often large clots are followed by a little gush of red blood.) A little firm clot in the middle that I thought might be the baby. I wasn't sure. Most often the fetus is lighter. This clot (did it have eyes?) was very dark red. I thought, "Now it's over."

      The next afternoon I was was feeling kind of puffy and stiff and my perineum was sore and I had a toothache (minor) on one side of my mouth. I took a homeopathic remedy that fit this crazy list of symptoms. Arnica. Made from a plant that gets beaten about by the wind on mountaintops. Good for when you're feeling "bruised". It was the first medicine I'd taken since I'd gotten pregnant. It was the first time in the process that I felt like I needed a little help. So I took three little white sugar pills that supposedly have the energetic force of a tiny flower wrapped around them. I don't know if... but... An hour later I was totally surprised "WHOA!" when I passed a huge clot a bit smaller than a light bulb but the same shape. The shape of a uterus. "This is a good sign," I thought. I thought maybe this meant it was the last of it and that it had clotted to the shape of my womb and so there would be nothing left behind. I was troubled by the thought of a D&C. I can fully understand that it would be easier for some, but it sounded so traumatic to me. I'm sure what I've described here would be utterly traumatic to some. For me, it was part of my healing from this loss. The time of waiting gave us time to process. People were sending us love and wishes. We contemplated. Everything. It was utterly sad. But it was amazing too. Amazing to be in the shadow of birth. To see THIS part of the process - ultimately the same process that results in an eight pound human with fingernails! When Maeve was born I read that some laboring women feel a connection to all women, all mothers. I don't remember that. But in this time I do - and I did - feel one with all mothers (as you have mothered the tiny being you lost) who had stood and cried, released their hopes of a child, and bled. Strangely, I've never felt more connected to a group. And I was so viserally reminded of my daughter's lovely birth. I didn't know until I felt those rushes again how much I'd forgotten of the sensations.

      Then I opened the clot. Inside was a tiny, perfect, clear, amber sac. Attached carefully to the center of a beautiful placenta. All purple and shimmering silver. And empty. Empty but for one tiny egg white bit attached to one side.

      It's possible that the baby passed first, and the sac healed itself back up. The placenta had clotted so perfectly around it.

      But I think the baby was barely formed. A Blighted Ovum. Just the start.

      All this is just to say: If I had been in Portland, if I had found a midwife with a doppler, if I had chosen an OB, if, if, if, I would have know this weeks and weeks ago. Could I have waited to miscarry naturally? I don't know. I do know that I'm so glad everything happened the way it did. I feel at peace. Desperately sad, but at peace. I'm proud of, not angry, with my body. I feel capable - that beautiful placenta! - not forsaken.

      Not that I don't have bad days - days when Maeve sees me weeping and whispering "Trust" and "Release" over and over. My mantra.

      A month after I wrote this I have been much sadder and, at times, bitterly angry, but it helps me to remember how pleased I was at the time with my body, with the process. I said at the time that I felt blessed in both my birth and my miscarriage. And hopefully I'll get back to that peace.

      I don't think I'll be able to conceive again until this anger subsides.

      Thank you again for this thread.

      :heartbeat Nancy

      #38; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:24:00 GMT
    • Edited to add more info in a minute
      #39; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:25:00 GMT
    • On Wed Jan 19,2000 I had a gush of blood. No Cramping. I called my Dr she said go home get some rest. Everything seemed fine. Sat Jan 22 dh and I got married. Wed Jan 27, 2000 I had a nother gush of blood. Doc ordered an u/s. The baby had died, It was measuring 13 wks. I thought I was 15 wks. Doc told me to wait for it to pass on its own. So we wait.. for about 2wks and nothing. Dh and I were staying with a friends 15yr old while they were in NY. At about 6 I felt some really wierd sensations in my low abdomen. No cramping. Almost kind of like a vibration. I put on a pad. Then when I would have a contraction brownish fluid would come out. I started to have pain with them. I told Jacob that I was going to be having the misscarriage tonight. If anything goes wrong I could end up in the hospital. He looked confused. 15year olds don't have a clue. We went to bed and I remember moaning with a contraction. Then I felt a pop inside of me witha huge gush of liquid. I went to the bathroom. I peed and when I wiped the baby was right there in my tissue. I looked at it. I remember being surpised by how much it was formed. the head eyes ears nose hands torso legs... I was immediately in love. I thought it was beautiful. I cried. It was a miracle to me though. To think that my body could grow another human. I started bleeding. I moved into the bath tub to clean up. The blood was gushing at regular intervals(with each contrax) I remember being told to expect some bleeding. The blood wouldn't stop. The water was so bright red with blood. I got out and put on a pad and immediately filled it with bllod. At that piont we called my mom who lived next door to my friends. She came over adn Terrell had to carry me downstairs. Then he stood me up to put on my shoes I passed out from losing so much blood. We were going to go to the hospital where my Doc practices but it was too far. I went to the local ER and they had to do an emergency D&C. I had a piece of placenta that would not came out. I was released the next day. The next week my midwife organized a burial ceremony. I think seeing my baby and having a burial really helped me heal. I often tell my dh that I wouldn't change it if I could do all over agian. He however said that I would just have a D&C, It really took a toll on him. THat is why he wouldnt' let me have a homebirth with Gareth and why Viola was born in a freestanding birthcenter 2 min from a hospital.
      #40; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:26:00 GMT
    • whew...reliving them...hope it helps someone...

      dh and i had been ttc for over a year, after 11 yrs together, so we were excited beyond belief.

      we were flying to colorado with a layover in phoenix. descending into phoenix, i felt cramping, and it felt 'wrong'. at the airport i went to the bathroom and there was light pink blood. i called my midwife and she said it could be okay, because it wasn't red, but that it was a 'threatened m/c'. these words sent me into tears. i was breaking down on the electric walkway, and it sucked. and we still had to hop on the plane to fly to denver. we were headed to a little town to check out a few houses we were interested in, via leadville. i asked my mw if the elevation changes would be okay. she said there is no evidence that elevation changes cause m/c. i disagree, but it's irrelevant at this point. dh and i sent pure white light to the babe the whole next flight, and in denver there was no blood. in silverton the blood was red. i bled lightly through the night in leadville. the next day we were in the middle of nowhere. the cramping got progressively worse until i got really scared. we stayed in our friends rv, as it was the only bathroom for miles and miles. i sat up on the commode for hours as the cramps turned into excruciating pain. the mw said i should go to the er if i had severe bleeding, severe pain, or a high fever. dh kept freaking out, "is this severe pain?" yes, but it's coming in waves, so i think they are contractions, which seems normal. (i'm scared of the hospital, so really didn't want to have to make the journey). i was passing clots for hours, and it really felt like a knife was turning in my abdomen. i couldn't lie down for the pain, so i just held myself up over the pot, cuz sitting hurt too much. eventually i remembered ina may, once i realized there was no saving it, and started to 'ride' the contractions, rather than fight them. this made it so much easier, albeit way more sad. letting go. but eventually things calmed down and i went to sleep. the next day we had to go look at the houses, cuz we had it all lined up and spent a lot on the trip. it was extremely hard, and i was very grumpy to the one super perky real estate lady, but then something very nice happened. at one of the houses dh and i took a walk back to the creek by ourselves. i squatted to pee and a clear sac with red and blue arteries and veins in it blobbed out, with no pain. i was able to release some emotions, crying and freaking out a bit. dh buried it on the side of the creek. then i had to get it back together to go back to the house and the agents. this is the house we bought, with our little love buried on the creek. i never even thought about going to the hospital, but in hindsight i'm glad i didn't, cuz i avoided a d&c, which is really scary to me.

      we were pregnant again 3 months later. i only knew for a week, maybe, and then i drove down the pass, 6000 feet lower in elevation, to school. at lunch with classmates, one an md, i felt cramping. she said that was not a good sign. after they left, i went to the bathroom and saw blood. i knew what was coming. i knew i had to get home, an hour away, but first i needed underwear and a pad. i was having severe cramping as i hobbled into kmart to buy panties, just in shock that i was having to miscarry in that god-forsaken place. then i went to the hfs for pads. eiyiyi. then i sobbed the whole way home. the pain went away and i thought it was that easy, since it was only 5 weeks in, so i went back to school the next day. i went to see 'what the !.pregnancy.todaysummary.com.#$* do we know' that night with the md. right away i started to cramp again, and found myself hanging off of the tp holder in the bathroom, wondering again why i always seemed to find myself in such f***ed up places to have a m/c. half an hour or so later, i went back into the movie, as the cramps had lessened. the md never asked a single question! once again i thought it was over. a week later i woke up where we were camping and felt like i was going to pass the babe. i asked dh to walk with me to the pit toilets. the dog and cat followed, too. i sat on the toilet for awhile, just waiting. the cat, dog, and dh all sat around me. eventually a big blob passed, into the bottomless pit, and i felt that it was 'over'. it was very nice to finally have my family around for the closure to the experience.

      #41; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:27:00 GMT
    • The "birth" story of our baby.

      ------------------------

      Warning this will be long and graphic.

      I'm not even sure where to start. My dh and I were friends for six years, we dated for three and we have been married for eight. We were married Oct. 1997 and August 4, 1999 we found out we were going to be parents. I had hyperemesis and my water broke at 24 weeks, luckily at 40 weeks and 5 days I had via c-section a healthy baby boy. I should say that at the end of August my dh told me that he had diarrhea, and that everyone at his work had it. He was in the USMC at the time. Well weeks went by and he still had it. After many tests we found out that he had either ulcerative colitis or chrons disease. The dr asked if we wanted to have children and dh said that I was expecting. He said that "that was good because we may not be able to have more". The medicine is harsh and my dh was very near death so the USMC said he was no longer fit for duty and booted us out on New Year's Eve 2000.

      We moved back to Louisiana and he was very ill. We always believed that if we were meant to have more children it would happen. Dh was put on medicine that would cause birth defects so we were very carful during that time. In June 2004 he stopped taking that medicine and we decided we would start ttc in 6 months. The dr. said he needed to be off the meds for 3 months before we tried, but we wanted to give it a little longer.

      When my ds was three he started begging for us to have a baby. He would sometimes cry at night that he wanted a baby to love. He wants a sister, but he wants a blue one. lol It was heart breaking every month to get af. The pain, the clots, and the mass amount of blood volume was too much to take at times. I knew I should see a specialist, but kept putting it off. A friend told me about an herb that would help to unblock my tubes so in October I started taking it. My dh and I went away for our anniversary and thought for sure we would make a baby on that trip. On November 3, I got the worst af of my life. I am no stranger to pain, I've had kidney stones, ovarian cysts, gallstones, and 24 hours of 1 minute apart contractions with my ds. This af was like no other and I could not get out of the bed for 3 days. I had 3 clots at a time and they were the size of plums and I went through 30 cloth pads a day (thank goodness my friend owns a pad business). The pain was immense! I now believe that the herb cleaned me out.

      I always get af by the 5th of the month so December 5th I woke up and took a test. It was there, what I had waited for years to see. It was faint, but it was there. Two beautiful lines! Everyone was elated! My symptoms were mild, only nausea. Then the symptoms went away. I told friends that I felt wonderful, but worried that they just stopped. Then Monday Jan. 9 I had nausea and was so happy to have symptoms again. Oh I need to backtrack a bit. A few months prior my dh started having a flare up and lost 30 pounds in a month, I thought he was going to die. He got better, but soon after finding out we were having a baby he started to have a flare up again. He is doing a little better now.

      I did not want a planned c-section and I was having a hard time finding a ob/gyn to take me. So, I found out about a midwife at a local hospital that would assist me while I vbac. She did not take our insurance, but she took medicade so I went and applied. I was accepted so I took her my medical records from the naval hospital. I had never thought to look at them, but decided to do so and didn't see any information about the c-sec. No reason why it was done or how it was done. It just said "28 yo female, c-sec." and that was it. My ds and I went to the hospital to bring the medical records and we go lost. They accidentally sent us into the birthing center. I had never been in a birthing center, but it was not at all like I expected. My heart started racing and I felt as if I was going to have an anxiety attack. We took off out of there fast. Ds asked why my hands were so sweaty. I realized that I was scared to death to give birth. We finally found the dr. office and when we went in I saw a friend of mine that was due with her second in 2 1/2 weeks. I told her that I was really afraid to give birth and that I would go home and started reading Birthing From Within to try to alleviate the fears.

      So the midwife called and said she could not see me because it doesn't say what kind of incision I have. I was upset but decided to track down a navy dr. lol Well, never found her. So I started calling doc's in other cities and midwives all over and no one would see me without knowing the type of incision. I started thinking that I would have to have an unassisted homebirth and the thought scared the poo out of me.

      Finally I got a call from a midwife 1 1/2 hours away that said she would take me, but that she would not be able to have a dr. back her. This frightened me, but I wanted someone with me. She wanted to see me in a few weeks.

      So on Tues. Jan. 10, I was here reading that Meeshi didn't want her girls to know about the baby yet because of her history of miscarriage and then I read that Anne Marie thought that she had a ovarian cyst rupture and Amy was saying that she had a cyst rupture. I turned off the computer and walked into the kitchen. All of a sudden I had a sharp pain on my left side. I decided to go lay down for awhile. While I was lying down I was thinking about what it would be like to meet the midwife and to hear the baby's heartbeat. And then (and this is so hard to even think about let alone admit) I started wondering if everyone would be excited even if it was a boy (everyone expressed desire for a girl) at that moment I felt something slide out of me. I ran to the bathroom and there was blood. I was frantic so I called my dh (who just happened to stay home from his crummy job that day) and he told me he would head home. I called a dear friend of mine and she was in a store. I heard her drop her items and start running outside where she could here me and I could tell she was crying. She told me to call a nurse (that I had recently spoke to about vbac) and to get in the bed. I called the nurse and the midwife and they both told me to stay put. My friend started calling any and everyone trying to get ideas. My dh made many trips that day getting creams, herbs, teas, and homeopathic remedies. I stayed in the bed all day and night and only got up to use the bathroom. I was still spotting, but it wasn't much and sometimes there wouldn't be any. I stayed in the bed all day and night Wednesday. My dh totally catered to me. On Thursday he hooked his laptop up in the bedroom so I could let everyone here know what was going on. That morning I started calling doctors and no one would see me since I hadn't been seen yet. This really pissed me off to say the least. The big baby hospital here does not have an emergency room, but they have an assessment center so we decided to go there. I was sitting in the waiting room reading The Natural Pregnancy Book by Aviva Jill Romm and it said that if you are having a threatened miscarriage you should not have an internal exam.

      They called me to the back, but would not let my dh come with me. The nurse told me that I was five weeks along and I assured her that I was in fact ten weeks along and that my dates are very accurate. They drew blood and then came to get me for an ultrasound. Now I kept asking to urinate and then kept telling me they would have to ask the dr. first. They never told me they were drawing blood or doing an ultra sound or anything. I really didn't care at this point, I just wanted to make sure that the baby was ok.

      I thought I would get on the table and the ultrasound tech would say that I was carrying twins and that's why I was bleeding. Instead she said "this baby is only measuring five weeks, according to your dates you are ten weeks". Well at least she knew how to count. ;o) So finally I could urinate and then she would do an internal ultrasound. She said that the baby was measuring at five weeks and that it may have died five weeks ago. I was speechless, that is not at all what I was expecting. I did not cry because I did not believe it. She went and got the radiologist and he shoved that probe in me and said "your baby must have died five weeks ago". He was so rough and he said there was something on the left that he wanted to check out. I saw another sac. And I asked him if that was another sac. He said that's what he was trying to figure out. He was really hurting me and I was squeezing my dh's hand (they finally let him come back with me). So they sent me back to my room. The nurse came in and said that it may be a blighted ovum. She said I would need to see a dr. in a couple of days to have the HCG levels rechecked. They were at 16,000 which was low but my dh kept saying that maybe I was a day or two off on the dates.

      We came home an called the midwife and she told me not to lose hope. She had just caught a baby boy that only measured five weeks when he was ten weeks and he was big and healthy. This really gave me hope. I told her about the other sac so we both thought that I was losing the blighted twin and that's another reason why the baby was measuring small. That evening I started hurting and bleeding more, but thought it was from the rough exam.

      Friday I felt better, but stayed in the bed. That afternoon I started having contractions about ten minutes apart. I thought I would just pass the blighted twin and the other baby would be ok. During the night the contractions started coming so hard that they didn't let up. I got up and tried moving, rocking my pelvis, getting on all fours, everything I could think of. I started to somewhat accept that I was losing the baby. My dh called the midwife but she was asleep. I told my dh that I wanted to be sedated. I did not want to go through this pain and not have a baby to hold at the end. I stared bawling and went back to bed, the contrations never let up. There was never a minute to rest between them. The midwife called and said that there must be something else going on because they should let up for a minute. Oh the radiologist said I did not have ovarian cysts, but I had a small amount of fluid in one fallopian tube and in the back of my uterus. He said that other sac may be a uterine fibroid, but I really didn't believe that. My dh kept telling me to get in the tub, but I couldn't. I want to birth in the tub, but I was afraid that if I ever had the chance to do so I would associate it with losing this baby.

      My mom lives six miles away so my dh left to go get her heating pad so I could do a castor oil pack. I was in the bed and felt like I needed to have a bowel movement. I ran to the bathroom and a sac came out. I started screaming for my ds to bring me the phone. I wanted to ask my dh if he thought I should get it out of the toilet. Before ds could give me the phone I started to vomit so I flushed. The vomit looked like it had blood in it. I had no idea that I would go through all the stages of labor. I could hear him telling dh that I was throwing up and he needed to get home. This was surreal, it felt like an out of body experience. It was like I was looking down on me and watching what was happening. I was hallucinating and in so much pain. The phone started to ring so I pushed the button and heard another friend ask how I was doing. I told her that I was dying. I was in so much pain that I really did not think I could live through it and I really thought I was dying. My dh walked in the door. He put me in the bed with the castor oil pack. I was wailing about having to flush the baby. Friends kept calling and I kept telling them how upset I was that I had flushed the baby. I was really talking like a crazy person. One friend begged me to either go to the hospital or call the dr. about the blood in the vomit.

      My dh left to take our ds to my dad's to a b-day party. While he was gone the friend that called while I thought I was dying called and said she found someone to watch her children and she was coming over. I told her that I was lying in the bed naked and bleeding and she laughed and said she didn't care. I told her that my dh may be taking me to the hospital, but I would call and let her know. I called him and he said that we were going to the hospital. I called my friend and she said she would meet us there. Poor thing waitied probably about an hour for me. I jumped out of the bed to take a shower and I felt incredible, like I could run for miles, yet my heart was still broken. My dh came in and I told him that my friend was coming over, he asked that she wait to visit so we could grieve together. I called her and we spoke for a long time. She told me that she was so glad that I was so happy about being pregnant and so glad that we had told everyone early on. She said that when she is pregnant her mother won't even acknowledge it until she is in her seventh month. I had been thinking that if we are ever blessed with a next time I would wait, but her words touched my heart and I now know that I will not wait. I want our friends and family to rejoice with us when we find out and be there for support if somthing were to go wrong. I could not have made it through this without my wonderful husband and a couple of friends. My dear friend that helped me get through this called and said that I should have saved the baby to have analyzed and I cried and told her that it was too late.

      I was in the bed snuggling with my dh and I felt like I had to have a bowel movement. I ran to the bathroom and the baby slid out. I started screaming, but my dh was too upset to come in. I ran and got a ziplock bag and a glove. I picked up the baby and started talking to it and telling it how much we love it and how sorry I am that this happened. It was developed and had arms, it looked like a perfect ten week baby to me (according to pics online). My dh did not want to see it so I wrapped it in a wash cloth and gently placed it in the refrigerator. I was so glad that I had not flushed it, but I felt hollow inside. I called the midwife and she said to go ahead and bury it.

      My ds called to see if he could spend the night with my dad. He has never spent the night there before and never wanted to. Once I started to bleed he started to distance himself from the baby. He used to talk to it first thing in the morning, at least once during the day, and at bedtime. He always had kisses for the baby. As soon as I started bleeding he did not want to talk to it or kiss it, he wanted me to do it for him.

      So my dh leaves to go bring some clothes for ds. I'm still in the bed crying and he calls and said he was just in a head on hit and run. Luckily he was not injured and there was only a small amount of damage. He said the guy had to have been drunk or asleep. He turned around and followed him to a gas station. He got his license plate number and called the police. The police said it would be his word against the other guys word, but they would send a unit out. Well, no one ever showed up so he called again and they said they were just too busy to send anyone out. So, I guess that's the end of that.

      The next day (Sun. ) my dh had to go back to work (he hadn't been since Monday) so I went to go stay with my mom. While I was there her boyfriend called and ended their relationship.

      This past Sat. we got a certified letter stating that my dh is being sued for an accident that he was in, in March. It said we need to get an attorney (that we cannot afford) and that the insurance company will only pay a certain amount and we will be responsible for the rest. My dh was driving a beat up 96 Tauras and hit a 2002 full sized truck. If there was any damage, the guys bumper *may* have been dented. Yet, he has lost enjoyment of life and a ton of other things. Then transmission went out on his car in Sept. and we could not afford to get it fixed so we had it hauled to a junk yard (we thought they would buy it). They didn't want it so I called every other one for hours away and no one wanted it. We owed a storage fee so we ended up just giving them the car in exchange for the storage fee. When I had my ds my mom gave me a 1993 Caravan that needs several thousand dollars worth of work. My dh is driving this to work so ds and I don't get out much. So, you are probably wondering why I'm telling all this, but I just got on a roll. I think this man is suing the wrong person. All we have is a ds, debt, and medical bills. lol

      This past Sunday evening my step-grandpa died. He died in his sleep.

      This has been a strange year already for us. I hope all the bad things are over (or almost over with the lawsuit) and that we can welcome some new good things in our lives now.

      My ds and I attend a Unitarian church and a few day ago the minister called. During our conversation he asked if anyone had made insensitive comments to me. I said "well, yes they have". And three friends that I have been friends with most of my life have been the most insensitive. When we were leaving the hospital that Thursday I called my friends to let them know what was going on. One was screaming that she couldn't tolerate her children and was calling one of them a cry baby and a brat. Another friend said "you know that girl I work with? her baby died in November and can you believe she is still walking around with a dead baby in her" oh and this one takes the cake. A friend who is also married to a family member (who I wouldn't be surprised if she reads here to see if I'm talking about her and I never have until now). She is 28 and had a hysterectomy earlier this year, I have always been very considerate of the words I use with her. Her 29th b-day is today. When I called to tell her that I may be losing the baby she said "awww, I hope you are finished soon so you can go out and drink with me for my birthday". Wow, I just didn't know what to say.

      So, I have learned who I can lean on in time of crisis.

      We told ds that the baby was not healthy and won't be joining our family, but that we would try again soon. He got this idea on his own, he thinks that I need a seed in my belly to grow a baby. He does not know that there was a baby to bury. We don't own this house (my inlaws do and they live next door, we don't have a good relationship with them so dh never told them about the baby). I was having issues with burying the baby here and having to leave it if we are ever able to move. I was also afraid that if anyone (like my dh's sociopath nephew that lives with my inlaws) found out about the baby, it would be dug up. So anyway, last Wed. my dh and I buried the baby and we are going to plant a fig tree over it. When we move we will plant a fig tree there. So, everywhere we may live we will plant a fig tree. Ds knows that we will be planting the tree, but he does not know there is a grave under it. When we came back inside the three of us stood together and bound our wrists with red string and said that we are a family bound by love. We cut them and made bracelets, we were suppose to wear them until one of us was ready to remove it. In less than an hour ds had pulled his off. Dh came home that evening from work and his was missing. lol So much for the family bond. lol We are going to make a birth altar and put the braclets on them. I washed dishes and took a shower and mine was fine.

      My friend that was due when I went to bring the medical records had a beautiful baby girl on the day that I started bleeding. My cousin is due the same week I was so that is going to be difficult. My mom thinks I'm being selfish because I said it would be hard to see her holding her baby when I should be holding mine at the same time.

      Last Friday night my ds just did not want to go to sleep, then he started crying that he doesn't want me and his dad to die. Then Monday night he started begging me to try to have another baby in my belly.

      I'm going to my dr. in a few weeks to get my thyroid checked and then to a specialist to have a miscarriage work-up. I just want some things ruled out before we try again. We are all (even dh) going gfcf. We have been needing to do this for years and this was the push we needed.

      Even though this has been a horrible time in our lives, so many positive things have come out of it. I am no longer afraid to give birth. This realization came the day after I lost the baby. I woke and went to urinate and my yoni was burning. I knew then that, that's what it would be like after a live birth and it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. I'm now anxious to have a peaceful birth at home in the water with a midwife. My dh and I are closer than ever and have even decided to renew our vows. I have a whole new understanding and compassion for women who have been through this.

      I feel like I have been reborn, like I just woke up from a haze. I used to get upset over petty things and they don't bother me anymore. I was spending too much time on the computer, on the phone, and spending too much money. I wasn't spending enough time enjoying and loving my family. We haven't been eating healthy or exercising and all that is changing. So we are taking all of these bad things and finding trying to find the positive in them.

      We just hope and pray that sometime this year I will have that seed in my belly again and that at the end of it all we will be holding a happy healthy baby.

      Sorry this was so long, but it was therapeutic to finally get it all out.

      __________________

      #42; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:28:00 GMT
    • is not very well broken up or written, but I can only do so much throught tears.

      This past Saturday morning I started feeling crampy. It wasnt the first time I had felt this way during this pregnancy. I couldnt remember how the stretching felt when i was pregnant with jimmy, so I figured that is what it was. This continued throughout the day. Jen (absolutely) came over in the afternoon and we hung out. I told her about the cramping and she agreed agreed that it was probably nothing to worry about. Then I went to the bathroom, this was around 5pm. I had a light pinkish discharge. Thats when I started to get worried. Jen was eing supportive and telling me it was probably nothing to worry about, I should however contact some sort of health proffesional. So I hit up an old homie from a mentoring program from high school. He was a med student at the time (still is 2 years to go), anyways I proceeded with the questions. My words to him where "if i go to the er almost 11 weeks pregnant m/c-ing there is really nothing they can do correct?" He proceeded with his dr talk of drugs and what not. I explained to him what was going on. He was very set on me going to the ER. This was something I wanted to avoid. At the time I really hoped that it was nothing. Just pregnancy spotting. A little later after him trying to convince me to go I told him I needed to call my mom. I told my mom what was going and she told me I needed to call my ob or Katie(midwife friend). I couldnt find katies number so I called my ob's office. The doctor that I despise was on call. She told me that "unless it got worse that it was probably nothing to worry about. " At that time it wasnt even enough to warrent a pad. I hung up with the damn ob and told my mom. SHe said that she still thinks that I should go to the ER. I hung up with her and told her I would keep her in the know. I went to the bathroom again around 7 bc I had feld two gushes, but it was still just light pink discharge. Before this bathroom trip I went around 6 to wipe a little brown bllod which I thought was good bc brown is old blood. Then it subsided completely. Until the 7pm trip. It was time to put a pad on so i could gauge the how much was coming and when/if I needed to make an ER trip. Not five minutes later was their enough to see. But it was still the pink discharge, but I knew I needed to go. So did she, she was half way out the door with jimmys carseat. I called my dad and dropped 2 bombs at once-= im almost 11 weeks pregnant AND bleeding hence needing to go the ER, please come get jimmy till jim gets here. He was totally calm with an okay, no problem. We get to the ER at about 8. My dad meets us and says nothing about me not telling him. He was very supportive and re-assuring me everything was okay. He took Jimmy and Jen stayed with me. Jim later met my dad to get jimmy and stayed with him at home(it would have been more stressful to jim and myself if jim and jimmy both were at the ER, or just Jim even- hospitals are not a good place for him.) Finally see the BEST freakin nurse ever around 9pm. He was so great. Cracking jokes about Duran Duran's girls on film video after I told him nurses and dr dont know shit about breastfeeding. He was just great. Totally making me laugh and m aking me feel really comfortable. He even lied on my shit so i could see the dr sooner, if that worked Id hate to know how much longer I would have waited if he didnt. I have to pee in a cup so the hosp can confirm pregnancy. ha that was a joke. Peeing in a cup is just not my thing. Anyways, a few hours later he comes out to tell me that I was preg. DUH Gets my last period info and writes it on his hand. Totally love this man. Some time later I get my blood drawn, I see him before I go in and tell him Im starting to pass clots. He nodds. After blood stuff I get to go back in the waiting room. After lots of complaining by Jen to the staff, I finally get in to see a dr at like 2:45am. SHes so livid for me, i love her so much by that point. I get hooked up with another fanfreakintastick nurse. I have to go get an u/s before any other stuff. Get wheeled to the u/s room. THe guy was very to the point. I dont get to see anything. He pointed to a chair on the other side of the room for Jen. After I lied down- Jen promptly moved over next to me. Love her. She asks all the questions I cant . THeir is just no will in me by this point. "NO I dont get to see anything, and no he doesnt tell me anything." Shes vissibly pissed. heh. After the unfortable external u/s he tells me i need an internal. Id never had one before, but had never heard anythnig good about them. Jen asks him about it, b lah blah blah is all i hear. I just want to get over this and move on to the next step. It was so painful. He was like digging for gold. I tell him that what he was doing at that point in time was really uncomfortable. This MAN says he knows. I mummbled you KNOW? Well thats very goof then. It was finally over. He told me the dr would tell me everything I needed to know. When I got up he put a blanket around me. Thats when I KNEW he saw nothing good. I wanted to loose it right then. But I didnt. I get wheeled back to the room. I layed back down on my side talking to Jen waiting for the damn pelvic. It was then that I had 2 huge gushes of blood. Right then the nurse came in and I told her what had just happend and ask her for some cloths. She got some and soaked them with warm water and asked me if I wanted her to do it, I ashamedly nooded my head yes. She had no problem with it. Then placed some dry ones in between my legs- it was then that I lost it. Although while she was cleaning me, she was trying to reassure me telling me that the u/s had just stirred things up. But I knew it was over. The nurse left to get the dr, jen came andhugged me even though I told her I would super loose it if she hugged me, and I did. But I needed that hug so badly at that moment and she knew it. The dr came in and did the pap the nurse was at his side. It was so umcomfortable. WHo knew so many insturments fit in their? ha. Cervix was closed. Diagnosis- threatend abortion. Got a 'script for vicoden and left with some false hope. The u/s showed baby only 6 weeks and 6 days with no heartbeat. When I was at the hosp the dr tried to make me feel better by telling me that at such a small size heart beats are hard to find. But I had come to the conclusion that the baby must had died weeks ago.

      I cry myself to sleep. I layed in bed and did nothing, as that was what I was told to do. The bleeding continued, jen left around 4 pm Jim was home and roxanne came over. After rox left Jim went to get food. Thats when it all happend. I had to poop so i went to do so. while my had was in the toilet I felt a short squirt of water like I had just pissed my hand. But I didnt feel like I just pee'd, I sat their puzzled for a moment, as I have really good bladder control. ha Then I realised that was probably my "water breaking." So I took a feel. Not even like shoving my fingers inside myself for their was no need everything was right their. Seriously when I sit on the toilet my cervix is right at the opening. I felt something soft that wasnt apart of me. I knew something was going to pass. I tried sqauting in the bath tub. That didnt help at all. So i put back on my underwear and pants and squated on the side of my bed for about 15 minutes. Then decided it was time for another go. So I sat and rocked back and I knew when I where to go foward it would come so I put my hand out to catch this surprise. And that I did, I had to sit their for another 15 minuted bc it was stuck and I was not about to pull anything out of my body. Been there done that, almost died. No thanks. I do another foward front and it comes. By this time Jim was back , I told him to bring me something to put it in so i can look at it. He does. I look, but I really dont know what Im looking at. THey said the baby would be so small, that I wouldnt be able to see it. And that I didnt. Its in my fridge right now, but has lost a lot of its original form. During this time I was very calm- focusing what was at hand. No hysterics or anything- go me. The toilet was super red- I knew due to my bleeding out with jimmy I really had to watch my blood loss. Fortunatly I have been really good.

      I felt some peace. I knew that their was no "maybe" and this baby was with the Lord. But it did not take long for me to loose it emotionally. And I have been going since on and off ever since. I've decided Im going to plant it in a pot with and grow chrysanthemums.

      I feel really sad that I ddint get to see any "baby like" anything. I would have loved to. Although I have cried a lot, so much my tears run dry, yet- I dont feel like Ive done enough. The pain runs through me, the hurt is so deep. The knowledge of an empty womb is unbearable. I scrub so hard in the shower and wash with such hot water it scalds hoping to get some sort of release. Hoping to wash it all away. I feel like Im having a really hard time healing. I feel so incomplete. I really need someone to walk me through this. I know who that someone needs to be, but I'm having a hard time with Him right now. So for now I really need some support and/or some advice

      #43; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:29:00 GMT
    • At 8wks I had a dating ultrasound at my midwife's office and we saw the heartbeat but her machine wasn't strong enough to date it so she referred me for another u/s. I went in at 9wks and there was no heartbeat and the baby measured right about 9wks so it had just recently died. I knew as soon as I saw the u/s and the still picture of the baby and the u/s technician stopped chatting with me and started measuring everything. I was just in shock! We had been trying for over a year and a half. I had been diagnosed hypothyroid but I was being treated and closely monitored so everything was expected to go well. The radiologist and u/s tech were both so kind as they broke the news to me.

      I went over to see my midwife and she said I could have a d&c or m/c naturally...she warned me that it could take up to a month. I was sure I wanted to m/c naturally. On my way home I bought pads and ibuprofen as I was sure it would happen at any moment. Of course I ended up waiting 3 1/2 weeks. (In some ways I wish I hadn't known so far in advance.) The waiting was really hard for me. Every cramp or twinge made me think it was coming. And of course a small part of me wanted to believe that maybe somehow everyone was wrong and I'd still get to keep that baby.

      The night it finally happened I had gone to bed early but kept waking up feeling so restless. At midnight I felt strong cramps/discomfort so I woke up dh and said I think this is it. It was strong enough that I knew it had to be it. The pain increased and was really uncomfortable for about an hour. I felt worried and panicky not sure I could handle it. But then I felt a pop and gush and the intense pain left. I still cramped and contracted off and on but not that constant extra strong pain. I also threw up at this point but after a half hour I was able to eat and drink without getting sick again.

      My dd woke up at about this time (1am) and wouldn't go back to sleep so dh turned on the tv and we all watched the Olympics and he cooked up quesadillas. I went between laying on the couch with a heating pad to sitting on the toilet. My body would cramp up and feel miserable for a few minutes then I would get up and go to the bathroom and something would slip out...mostly medium sized (approx half dollar size). As I layed on the couch dd would pat me. It really helped to have her and dh up with me.

      Dh and dd went to bed around 5am and soon after that I passed a larger piece about the size of a large plum or tangerine. I could feel something big coming out so I put my hand out and caught it. It came out so gently and warm into my hand. It was strange how peacefully it came. I'm sure the baby was in there but I couldn't really tell what I was looking at and I was tired and nervous too. I saved it in a zip-loc and then put that in a pretty white draw string bag and put it in the fridge. I later put it in the ground where our flower garden will be.

      I passed more small pieces through out the day and the next morning but then I only spotted after that. It is now a week later and I still spot especially when I am busy moving around. I am feeling better now that I have m/c-ed but of course it is still so sad. I really wanted this little one. I really feel like I did the best I could while I was pg and I'm grateful I got to catch her and hold her and bury her under the flower garden. While I was pg and we discussed baby names my dd said they were nice names but she made up the name Humee and said that was the best name. So I guess that is her name but I also looked up a name for her after I m/ced and I think of her as Hania which means resting place.

      If anyone is reading this while waiting to m/c please feel free to pm me for support or with questions!

      #44; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:30:00 GMT
    • Well, here's my story. It's long. It covers my m/c and also the death of my newborn son. I feel like I have to explain it all. My dh and I have been together for 16 yrs. We have waited to start a family until recently. I felt like I still had some growing up to do myself. Anyway, we got pg in Jan of 05 and were elated. My pg was like clockwork; no problems of any kind. I had my first u/s at 20 weeks and found out we were having a boy, who we named Quinn. During the u/s we saw fingers, toes, a profile of his face, everything looked good. The u/s tech took measurements of everything and said everything looked fine. I sailed through the rest of my pg until 38 weeks. I had to have another u/s because my doc suspected my fluid levels were low. The u/s was longer than usual, and the tech kept taking measurements of his heart, which I thought was weird. When I finally saw my doc two hours later she told me that his heart didn't look "normal" and wanted to send me into the city for further testing. So I'm freaking out and have to drive into town by myself. I meet my dh and we go to the hospital and wait around for hours before I finally have another u/s. After another hour or so, a OB/GYN shows up (from home, in her jeans) to "have a long talk with us". Our hearts sank then and there. She tells us that she thinks our baby has something called trisomy 18, which is usually not compatible with life. She tells us that his heart is severly malformed, his kidney is malformed, he most certainly has extensive brain damage, and it doesn't look like he has eyes.

      Dh started crying immediately, while I just sat there, in complete shock. We eventually went home. I didn't cry for like 2 1/2 hours-I couldn't even fathom what she had told us. How they hadn't caught it earlier is still a mystery to us(!).

      The next week is a blur. Went back in for an amnio, and genetic counseling. Found out he actually had trisomy 13 (rarer, and even more severe than 18). Talked to a social worker. Scheduled induction. Went back to hospital 5 days later to be induced. Whorlwind labor, Quinn born in less that six hours. Spent 35 hours loving Quinn with family, before his little heart gave out. Cried more than I ever have in my life.

      Foolishly, dh and I got pg again only nine weeks after. I knew it was stupid but I wanted a baby so much. The minute I found out I was pg, I got paranoid. I was worried about everything. I was about five weeks when I told dh that maybe it was too soon, emotionally as well as physically. It was impossible to relax. Went to first doc appt at seven weeks and had an u/s. She couldn't find a hb, but told us that maybe we weren't as far along as we thought, but I knew my dates. The next week we went in and found out our baby had died, probably around six weeks. We kind of felt like we were so used to bad news, it was like "Oh, of course this happened. How could anything actually work out for us?" So while waiting for my m/c to start, I sank into a pretty deep depression.

      I wanted to m/c naturally, but after waiting two weeks I ran out of patience and got inducing meds. It happened pretty quickly, and with lots of ibuprofen, I felt no pain. I lost tissue and clots over about a six day period. Emotionally it was a lot harder than physically, but I went through labor w/ Quinn w/out meds, so my pain threshold is pretty high. This whole experience has left me feeling pretty f*ckin' tough, like I can handle just about anything, but also extremely vulnerable. I am scared to death of losing someone else that I love. I know that I couldn't handle another loss right now. I feel like I have had all that I can take, and am hoping that our very bad luck has passed us. Still, we won't ttc again for several months.

      #45; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:31:00 GMT
    • I was 13 weeks when I started lightly spotting. My midwife said it was probably fine. When clots started coming out 3 days later I went to the ER to see my baby lying motionless at the bottom of my uterus. There was no heartbeat. This was probably the saddest moment for me and my husband.

      I was sent home at 5:30 pm and at 4:30 am I woke up with labor pains. I took some tylonol and went into the spa around 5:45. At 6:15 I felt my water break and I ran through the house, got my husband and went in the shower. Blood was gushing out and then the baby came out. Totally visible on the shower floor. I stood there crying and staring at the little body while the blood kept flowing. I thought the amount of blood was okay(the ER dr said it would be a lot) but later I would find out it was too much. It was gushing out for a few hours... I was on the toliet every 10 minutes.

      To make the story short, I had an appointment at 9 am that morning with my OB. I blacked out, vomitted, and went into shock from blood loss in her office walking to a room. I was sent by ambulance to the hospital. My blood pressure was 80/40 and there was blood gushing down my legs and all over the carpet. I had to spend the night on an IV and now I am on Iron and antibiotics. The drs could not believe that I avoided a blood tranfusion. I am to rest, not drive, or carry my toddler for 2 weeks.

      People kept commenting on the physical trauma of the miscarriage, but that part never made me feel scared or sad. It was all emotional pain. I am feeling better day by day but just a moment ago I saw a picture of my son Jack's ultrasound on the desk...I was very hard to see the Baby Rose would never make 20 weeks in my womb. I am glad that we had a funeral for her yesterday in our backyard in the rose garden. My husband and I were able to look at her one last time and then release her to the Lord.

      I hope this can help someone...Jennifer 3/2/2006

      #46; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:32:00 GMT
    • I will add mine.

      1st one, between 4 and 6 weeks. I had just gotten a positive test, when about 8 hours later I began cramping, they were quite intense and I bled heavily. I never felt dizzy, and only passed a few clots. This lasted about 2 hours, then my cramps became lighter and the bleeding slowed considerably over the next hour to two hours.

      My second miscarriage happened about 3 years after the birth of my son. I found out on August 2nd that our baby had passed away (9 weeks 3 days). I chose to wait for it to happen naturally. On August 3rd at 6 pm I began to cramp. On August 4th, (9 weeks 5 days) at 11:30 am, I began to spot. I spotted all day, and my cramps got increasinly worse. At 5 pm, my cramps were quite intense, possibly more physcially painful than my sons birth. I began passing clots at this time, and decided to drink a wine cooler. My cramps got a liittle better, but I was bleeding liike a heavy period, still passing clots. At 11 pm I couldnt go to sleep because I was afraid I would leak on to the bed. At some point I soaked 3 overnight pads in 90 minutes, and a towel (w/ the last pad) and nearly passed out. I called the midwife on call, and went to the ER. I thankfully did not have a D and C, but the OB on call did swab out my vagina, as there were a lot of clots that had ot passed.I went home with major cramps at 3 am, and slept til 8. An ultrasound the next day revieled an empty uterus, and I bled lightly for the next 13 days.

      #47; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:33:00 GMT
    • Reading these stories would have helped so much when I went through my m/c.

      It happened in Dec. 2005. I was 6 weeks along and it was my first pregnancy. I had some light brown spotting when I woke up in the morning and started feeling so sick. I thought I must have caught a bug. Still not sure to this day why I felt so weak. The spotting continued throughout the day and I had already been cramping since I found out I was pregnant, but the cramping kept getting worse. I went to sleep that night in tears b/c I had a feeling that it was going to happen. All night I kept waking up and going to the bathroom to check for more blood. At about 6am the bleeding started to turn red and get more heavy. I was so freaked out that I called my Mama and she came over and we decided to go to the ER. I had bad cramps by that point and started feelign faint. They put me in a bed and blood started gushing out in clots. The NP came in and did an exam and that is when I new 100% that I had m/c, she showed me the sack, but I can barely remember what it looked like. All I remember is small, about a grape size and clear. They gave me something for pain and shortly after went home. Nothing ever had hurt so bad in my life!! I cried ALOT for a few days.

      I kept reading about waiting until so long after to try again, but I decided it was in God's hand and he would decide when I would get pregnant again. Well a month later I found out I was preg. again, I never even had a period. Now I have my beautiful almost 8 month old dd who I thank God for everyday!!

      Also wanted to add I cramped the entire time my second preg. w/ my dd. Everyday I thought something was wrong! I even spotted at 4 and 8 weeks and still went to term. Our bodies are amazing things.

      #48; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:34:00 GMT
    • Not able to post the whole story yet. Had an ultrasound this past Thursday. We're at 16 weeks. No heartbeat, and the baby is only measuring at 14 weeks or so. I haven't felt any different, though had noticed that my belly wasn't feeling quite so "hard" anymore this week. Haven't had any spotting. Even feel occasional fluttering, though DH thinks (reasonably) that it's just intestinal gurgling.

      Nothing's happening. Baby's with me yet not with me. Do not have the energy to wait for anything to happen naturally ... and two women in DH's family have had tragedies with unborn miscarried babies, so he's not willing to let me wait either. So we've got a D&C tentatively scheduled for this Wednesday.

      Will edit the post if there's something more to tell. Wishing I could give details of our previous miscarriages just to make the post worthwhile, but honestly, being in the middle of one, it's hard to feel them and bring them up.

      Hugs to all of you.

      #49; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:35:00 GMT
    • In August of 2003 Matthew and I had made the decision for me to quit taking my birth control. We wanted to have a baby. I so longed to be a mother. I prayed every night for God to bless us with a child. Each month that my period came, I was so disappointed. I knew though that when it was Gods will, we would get pregnant. About 4 months of trying and then that most wonderful day came along. I had previously bought a handful of pregnancy tests from the dollar tree, and had taken a few negative ones already, but for some reason on Jan 9th I really felt compelled to take another one. The second I did, I left the room until the allotted time had passed. When I am came back in I looked down and expected to see another negative one and it was positive. It said I was pregnant! I saw 2 lines. I called Matthew and that night we got a more expensive one and it was positive too! We still didnt believe it though. We thought it was too good to be true. We made an appointment at the doctors and they confirmed it for us. When we got outside Matthew screamed. We were overjoyed. Words cant explain how happy we were. God had answered our prayers. The days and months that followed were the happiest ones of my life. All the planning and dreaming about the baby. My baby and I instantly bonded. I was in love with him. I cant even describe my feelings of happiness knowing my baby was growing inside of me.

      Then a horrible day came. February 6th. It was a Friday night. I get to work and we were slammed. The other hostess didnt show so I was by myself and we were so busy. I was so stressed out. Towards the end of the night I started bleeding BAD. After work we went straight to the emergency room. They did an ultrasound and we saw our baby for the first time. We saw his heart beating and he was moving. He was very much alive. The doctor told me the bleeding was implantation bleed (I still question that) and he said I am at risk for a miscarriage. I was determined that wouldnt happen to me though. He told me 3 days bed rest. I ended up taking one month off work. I then made my first doctors appointment. Through that whole next month I went to the doctors one to two times a week, and every time we saw the baby on the ultrasound. He was so precious and I was so in love with him. I couldnt wait to have him and hold him in my arms. Dr. Ludwiczak constantly assured me the baby would be ok. She said she was 99% sure the baby would be fine. That put me at ease. Despite all the horrible bleeding, I told Matthew that I would go through anything to be able to have my baby.

      The last doctors appointment I had was on March 3rd at 11:30am. She did the ultrasound and we saw that Ryley had grown so much. His heart was beating good and strong and he was moving around. She told me the blood clot in my uterus was still there and had to come out. But she said the baby was fine and would be ok. So I came home from my appointment with the assurance that all would be well. I began having cramps that got increasingly worse over the next few hours. I started passing blood clots (apple sized) for about hour. Then the clots stopped for a while. A while later my cramps got out of control. On a scale from 1-10, my cramps were at a 15. They were horrible. They lasted for about 1 hours. Matthew called the doctors and the nurse called back and talked to me. She said to use a heating pad, prescribed me Darviset and said the doctor said to reassure me the baby was going to be ok. I did everything I could to take the pain away. Nothing worked. So around 5:00 pm I sent Matthew to pick up my prescription. Big Mistake.

      He left and then my world fell apart. I was going to the bathroom and more blood clots came out. I looked down in the toilet and expected to see another blood clot and I saw my baby. My teeny tiny perfect little baby. I had to push him out and catch him in a large Dixie cup. I had to tear the umbilical cord and push the placenta out and put that in a cup too. I just screamed and cried. My world, all my hopes and dreams, my joy and excitement all were shattered at that moment. I just screamed I would have been a good mom, I would have. For the next 20 minutes I looked at our baby and cried. I moved all his fingers and toes and just cried and cried. My heart was ripped out of me. The second that Matthew walked through the door I yelled down to him that we lost the baby. He said nuh uh, promise. He didnt believe me, I dont think, until he looked in the cup and saw for himself. Then he just held me and cried. He cried so hard. My heart broke even more. I had never seen him cry before.

      Matthew then made a few phone calls. One call was to pastor. He told him to let everyone at prayer meeting know. We then washed Ryley up and put him in a fresh cup with water. Before that though, we each gave him a kiss. Then we took some more pictures and video of him. After that we took him downstairs and Matthew played Jesus Loves Me for him. I just cried and cried. That was a very special time. After that we went to the emergency room at the hospital. We were there forever. The nurses kept asking me why we were there and what makes me think I'm having a miscarriage. I was so irritated with everyone there. All I could do was cry and they kept asking me all sorts of questions. Then the Chaplin lady came in and talked to us. She prayed with us. Then she made a foot impression for us of Ryley's feet. After hours there we were finally able to leave. I had to say goodbye to my son until his burial. We went from the hospital to Sharis restraint. I was starving, so we went for some food. I remember I got the fish and chips. I couldnt eat much; everything was still too fresh in my mind. I was still in so much shock. I still couldnt believe I was pregnant that morning and not that night. This experience has been the most horribly devastating of my life. Thursday we called and set up everything to have Ryley buried. The pathologist released him to the Columbia funeral home. We went down there and picked out an urn to bury him in. Then we went to Astoria from Friday until Sunday. Monday we picked out a burial plot and Monday I went back to work. Work was very hard. Tuesday at 10am we went to the funeral home to look at Ryley one last time. He was turning black; it was so hard to see. Then at 11am we buried our son.

      #50; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:36:00 GMT
    • First I want to thank all the mamas here for sharing your stories. I can't tell you how much you have all helped me through this. From the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful. :Hug

      I'm sorry I can't just talk about the physical aspects. I have to tell it completely, just this once, for release and closure...

      I learned that our baby had died when I went in for a routine check-up with the OB. She didn't hear a heartbeat (I was only 9 weeks along so wasn't worried at all) so she wanted me to do an ultrasound just to make sure. The next day I went in for the u/s and they didn't find a heartbeat so went internally/vaginally with the ultrasound (ugh) and still nothing. Dd and I could see the baby so the lack of heartbeat didn't hit me. I was blissfully pregnant and didn't fathom the thought of something being wrong. The radiologist's blank response didn't phase me either when we commented on seeing the baby. That night the OB called me and said one of two things had happened. Either the baby stopped developing around 7 weeks or we conceived much later than expected (positive thinking I know, but yeah right with my short cycles).

      That was when it hit me and the grieving started. I couldn't believe it. We had already bought diapers, clothes, and picked names. More so, I was already emotionally attached. A miscarriage wasn't in my vocabulary.

      Then I worried how it was going to happen. If my body wasn't naturally aborting the baby, I faced making the difficult decision of how and where. I broke down at one time and begged my body to release it. It was too painful knowing the baby was inside and wasn't alive. I wanted it over with but after reading similar stories here I decided to wait for a while first.

      The bleeding started Sunday afternoon and continued with cramping for 3 days. Off and on the cramping was so strong that I had to take hot baths and breathe through it. I worried how it would happen. Would there be blood everywhere, how painful would it ultimately be, etc. I refused to leave the house until it happened. I was very tired so I slept a lot.

      Wednesday night (5 days after finding out) I stood up and felt something large, heavy and wet come out of me. I ran to the bathroom and there was everything. The placenta, amniotic sac and a tiny baby floating peacefully inside. The amniotic sac was a clear bubble and the baby was so easy to see floating inside. I sat there and studied it all for about an hour. The baby had a beautiful little head, tiny arm buds, and a long flat tail of a body--it looked like a tiny merbaby. I went into a strange funk. It was a freaky feeling of elation. I don't know if it was hormones or if I was just relieved that it happened that way (probably both). Dd came in to see (she wanted to see, dh didn't). Then I had her get a small cloth diaper. I wrapped everything together (it just felt right to keep everything intact), tied a red ribbon around it, and today dd and I buried it with a gardenia seedling in the backyard.

      ETA:

      I was surprised that heavy cramping continued for a few days afterwards. It is day 6 after my miscarriage and the bleeding has almost stopped. It's been like a heavy period since the m/c.

      #51; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:37:00 GMT
    • First I want to thank all the mamas here for sharing your stories. I can't tell you how much you have all helped me through this. From the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful. :Hug

      I'm sorry I can't just talk about the physical aspects. I have to tell it completely, just this once, for release and closure...

      I learned that our baby had died when I went in for a routine check-up with the OB. She didn't hear a heartbeat (I was only 9 weeks along so wasn't worried at all) so she wanted me to do an ultrasound just to make sure. The next day I went in for the u/s and they didn't find a heartbeat so went internally/vaginally with the ultrasound (ugh) and still nothing. Dd and I could see the baby so the lack of heartbeat didn't hit me. I was blissfully pregnant and didn't fathom the thought of something being wrong. The radiologist's blank response didn't phase me either when we commented on seeing the baby. That night the OB called me and said one of two things had happened. Either the baby stopped developing around 7 weeks or we conceived much later than expected (positive thinking I know, but yeah right with my short cycles).

      That was when it hit me and the grieving started. I couldn't believe it. We had already bought diapers, clothes, and picked names. More so, I was already emotionally attached. A miscarriage wasn't in my vocabulary.

      Then I worried how it was going to happen. If my body wasn't naturally aborting the baby, I faced making the difficult decision of how and where. I broke down at one time and begged my body to release it. It was too painful knowing the baby was inside and wasn't alive. I wanted it over with but after reading similar stories here I decided to wait for a while first.

      The bleeding started Sunday afternoon and continued with cramping for 3 days. Off and on the cramping was so strong that I had to take hot baths and breathe through it. I worried how it would happen. Would there be blood everywhere, how painful would it ultimately be, etc. I refused to leave the house until it happened. I was very tired so I slept a lot.

      Wednesday night (5 days after finding out) I stood up and felt something large, heavy and wet come out of me. I ran to the bathroom and there was everything. The placenta, amniotic sac and a tiny baby floating peacefully inside. The amniotic sac was a clear bubble and the baby was so easy to see floating inside. I sat there and studied it all for about an hour. The baby had a beautiful little head, tiny arm buds, and a long flat tail of a body--it looked like a tiny merbaby. I went into a strange funk. It was a freaky feeling of elation. I don't know if it was hormones or if I was just relieved that it happened that way (probably both). Dd came in to see (she wanted to see, dh didn't). Then I had her get a small cloth diaper. I wrapped everything together (it just felt right to keep everything intact), tied a red ribbon around it, and today dd and I buried it with a new rose gardenia tree in the backyard.

      :hug mama, I am so sorry. My baby died at 7 weeks(stopped developing) too. I didn't find out until 12 weeks, and miscarried 3 weeks later, my story is here somewhere.

      I just wanted to say I understand. :hug

      #52; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:38:00 GMT
    • Thanks Debi. :Hug
      #53; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:39:00 GMT
    • Here are the details of my most recent miscarriage while it's still fresh in my memory. This was my third and the most painful.

      At 12w1d I started spotting. I spotted for the next two days, started cramping in the early morning hours of the third day. Had bad cramps for a few hours, btu I could still kind of sleep. Then my water broke about 5:30 a.m.--the gush woke me up. I put on a pad, wernt back to bed, awoke at 7:30 to a soaked pad and underwear. I got up, sat on the toilet and passed the gestational sac. thinking the worst wsa over, I changed pads and underwear and went back to bed. For the next 4 hours my cramping got progressivley worse, so that for the final two adn a half hours I was cramping/contracting severely every two minutes. It was almost unbearable. Finally, I passed a huge mass, not sure if it was the placenta or not, but immediatley after that I felt better. The bleeding was a bit heavy for a few hours, but the cramping was bearable. I did end up going to the OB later in teh afternoon for an u/s, which showed most everyitng gone. I was still crampy and bleeding the rest of the day. I expect the bleeding to continue for a week or so if it's anything like my last two m/cs.

      Hope this helps. It was really, really, really painful, and I'm glad it's over.

      janola

      #54; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:40:00 GMT
    • I wish I'd known I was having a miscarriage with my first one, but didn't find out until after-the-fact as I was carrying twins and lost one around 6 weeks. I just remember having terrible cramps (and I had horrible ones back then anyways...these were the worst I'd ever had)...I'd also had diahorrea and thought I was just getting sick as I was a bit naseous as well (kept swigging Pepto to ease my tummy as we were on the way to a family reunion: 5 hour drive to get through...), but pretty sure it was all m/c related thinking back. I was using tampons still back then, but remember having a few small clots which is unusual for me, but as I thought it was a really bad period, I didn't think anything about it.

      Pretty sure I was pregnant last week, even though I hadn't gotten to take a test, but have been bleeding since saturday...I use a mooncup now and have been looking through for anything unusual to confirm it for me...there have been lots of chunky bits and small clots, but I'm still bleeding yet and haven't emptied my cup out yet this morning, so will have another look through.

      Such a horrible thing to talk about, but it's nice to know you're not alone in going through such things...haven't read all the stories, but will when I can get through them better...so many losses!:( Thanks for taking a stand and talking about a subject that most others won't discuss in such clarity.

      #55; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:41:00 GMT
    • We'd been TTC for a year when we went to a RE back at the end of April. She told us to come for testing when I started my next cycle, but my cycle never started: I was pregnant! We realized we conceived during a wonderful weekend away especially for babymaking.

      Everything seemed to be going fine. My early bloodwork came back normal. Some symptoms, but mostly just happiness.

      Yesterday would have been the end of my eighth week. I'd been having some cramps all along, but the day before yesterday they were a little more intense than usual. When I woke up yesterday and went to use the toilet, there was some brown and pink on the TP. I was shocked. I told DH and we called my GP (we hadn't found a provider yet-still interviewing). She told me to go straight to the ER. Fortunately, DH was scheduled to work from home that day, so he was able to take me.

      We went to the ER, they triaged us and then took us to a private room, and a nurse had me undress and get into a gown and stay in bed. A doctor came in and said that they'd be drawing blood soon and would try to get me in for an ultrasound. Another very nice nurse came and drew blood and put an IV heplock in my arm. Everyone was encouraging but also serious about the possible outcome. After a few hours they wheeled me on the gurney into the Fetal Diagnostics unit upstairs to have an ultrasound. They couldn't see anything with the abdominal u/s so they let me pee before doing the trans-vaginal ultrasound. At that point the bleeding had stopped so we were hopeful. The female doctor took lots of pictures, but we didn't really know what we were seeing. Finally she isolated something on the screen and said, "This is the baby, but it's only measuring six weeks and two days, and although there is a fetal pole, there is no heartbeat. I'm very sorry." She helped me up and left DH and I alone for a few minutes to cry. She came back to let us know that the were ready to take us back to the ER but we need few more minutes to cry.

      Then they wheeled us back down to the ER and back to our room.

      So it was a "missed abortion", and we spent the rest of the day crying in the ER waiting to talk to a resident about it. Both the nurse and doctor we saw came by to say how sorry they were. Finally the OB/GYN resident was able to come and talk to us. She was very nice and explained our options, wait it out, use cytotec to help things along, or D & C. I asked her to do a pelvic exam so that we could find out if my cervix was still closed. It was. She said we didn't have to make the decision that day. We decided to just come home and think about it. We were both too exhausted to make a decision: neither of us had eaten anything all day, and although Mark was offered water and juice all day they wouldn't let me eat or drink anything until I was discharged, so we were both exhausted. On top of that, poor poor DH had a terrible toothache that began the night before: we went straight to the dentist after the ER, and he was able to get in and see someone: he may need a root canal.

      Later that night we told our families, and had a long conversation with my sister, who is a 4th year OB/GYN resident in another state, In the end, my sister said our best options were to wait it out or have a d & e, a surgical evacuation. She thought at our stage they could just the the evacuation and not an actual curottage. She said there were some risks but she really really truly felt they were very small. She didn't recommend Cytotec, but to be honest, I don't remember why--I think in case it caused things to happen so quickly that we would have to have the D & E anyway, or risk excessive bleeding and/or an emergency trip to the ER. She said that it was totally up to us and whatever was right for our family. She said that if it happend to her, she would lean towards a D & E just so that she would not have to wait and wonder when it would happen. Of course she's a resident and has crazy working hours, so it makes sense that that would be the right choice for her. She said that if we waited, and nothing happened, we should get checked after 2 weeks just to make sure there was no infection. She said lots of other wonderful, comforting encouraging things, and I'm so glad that there are mamas out there who get to have their babies delivered by her and their losses acknowledged by her. She's a great OB and it's good to know there ARE some good ones out there, isn't it?

      We talked about it and I was leaning toward a D & E, but we decided to sleep on it. Then very early this morning I started to bleed again, and had some painful cramping (my sis said I could take a double dose of ibuprofen to help with the pain). I put a maxi pad in my underwear. I paced around a lot and listened to a book on tape sitting on the couch. DH was sleeping, totally exhausted from the day and the pain medication for his tooth. He took a lot, and I kept checking on him to make sure he was okay. I had some urges to poop, and kept a pad in place over my vagina while doing so, just in case any tissue came out while I was trying to poop. I saw some red blood but not many clots. I went back to the couch in the living room.

      After some painful cramps there, I felt one cramp that felt different, and I bit of a gush. I went to the bathroom and squatted for a bit, then looked at the pad. There was a lot more blood, and it seemed to be more liquid than the other stuff I'd passed. I put on a new pad. I squeezed and tried to get my uterus to contract, and then I felt another gush. I checked the new pad and just saw blood, but then I saw that there was something hanging out of my vagina, so I think I took the pad to kind of pull it out, and what I knew was the baby fell on to the pad. It looked the way the doctor and my sister said it would, like tissue, not like blood. It was translucent, like Vaseline, and shaped like a 6-week fetus, but it did not have the clear outlines and features of one. It had been dead for two weeks, so I wasn't surprised. But I'm pretty sure what was the head and what was the tail. There was a tiny red cord coming from its middle, attached to a blood clot, which was probably where it attached the placenta. I put in a new pad, squeezed again, and felt a big gush, and the placenta came out. It was red and solid and about 4-5 inches long and 1 inch wide, and it came out in an s-shape on the pad. I looked in it just to see if there was anything in there, and that's when I really knew it was the placenta: it had thin layers and thick parts and was probably originally round but had curled in on itself like a deflated balloon. It was shiny and kind of like liver, but more translucent, like jelly, and a brighter blood red. I put yet another pad in, squeezed, but it was just blood after that. I went and woke DH and he came to look at our little baby. We put it in a big disposable Tupperware container, on the pad, and put it in our bedroom. DH was still in a lot of pain and a little groggy from the meds, but he was wonderful. I put him back to bed and stayed up a while longer to read and make sure I was bleeding normally. I couldn't get to sleep.

      This thread was really helpful as I was going through all this. I used some of the suggestions and knew what to expect. I was glad to have a chance to say goodbye without too much pain, intervention, or another day in the ER. Now both DH and I can just rest and wait for the bleeding to stop.

      The miscarriage also made me feel grateful for my body. Initially I felt kind of betrayed by my body, not for the baby dying, but for my body holding onto it for 14 days after it died, without me knowing. When the resident checked me yesterday, my cervix was still tightly closed, so we weren't sure that I would pass anything anytime soon. But after talking with the doctor who did the ultrasound and my sister, it looks like the corpus luteum had just started to disintegrate yesterday (they saw fluid on the ultrasound near my left ovary) and that's why my body just now realized that the baby was dead: my corpus luteum had been doing it's job and pumping out hormones to support the pregnancy, and had finally reached the stage when, if the baby was healthy, the cyst could have gone away on it's own, which it did. Then, without the feedback of the HCG from the baby, my body realized something was wrong and began to spot. And then, half a day later, my cervix did dilate and without excessive bleeding was able to pass everything. So I feel a lot of love now for my body, working hard and doing everything it could to help. Know what I mean? My ovary did what it needed to do, my placenta did what it needed to do, and so did my cervix. Now I just need to wait and let my heart and mind catch up with all of this.

      We are going to rest for a few days and then drive to Wisconsin and find a place to bury our little turtle. We live in an apartment, so we thought it would be good to just find a remote place in nature and bury our little baby where no one would find it.This gives us a lot of peace.

      We feel right at the center of God's mercy right now, and we are glad that our little one is with Jesus. In the ER, we prayed and thanked our baby for coming to be with us, even for just a little while, and told it how much we loved him/her, and how much happiness he/she had given us. We told the baby that were so happy for him/her to be in heaven and that we would come and meet each other someday. We told the baby to find the little ones that a family we know very well lost last year in between two healthy pregnancies.

      Thanks for this thread. It has been tremendously helpful.

      UPDATE: Just wanted to add that about 36 hours after I passed the baby, I had some very painful cramping for about 4 hours. I think it was like labor pain. It was bad enough that I was moaning and swearing and crying, even with the 800 mg of ibuprofen. It was very hard to get into a comfortable position, and the intensity of the cramping scared me. I was bleeding heavily, but not heavily enough to warrant a trip to the ER, just more heavily than before. I thought I must be passing big clots, but I wasn't. I called my sister the OB again to find out why I was having the pain, and she said that the pain was coming from my uterus as it cramped and contracted in order to push everything out. She said it was normal, even though it sucked, and that I could stay home as long as I didn't have excessive bleeding, or a fever of 101 or higher, or nausea, or sharp pains that didn't feel like cramps, or tightness/tenderness in my belly. She also said I could switch to naproxen sodium if I wanted to, since that works better for my menstrual cramps than ibuprofen. As I spoke with her the cramps became less severe. Eventually I could just pace around the apartment, which felt great; I couldn't do that before. I just wanted to add this so that anyone who experiences bad cramping AFTER passing the baby will know that it is one way of having a miscarriage and not necessarily anything to get worried about.

      UPDATE 2: 36 hours after I had the painful cramping I woke up and found that I had passed another piece of the placenta. I don't know if that's what caused the cramping--I don't remember having much pain in the 24 hours before I passed it. I'm still bleeding now but without much pain. I'm hoping that my body will be able pass everything.

      #56; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:42:00 GMT
    • wow i feel all of your pain. each and every mother out there. december of 2000 i was so excited that i took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. my huband and i tried for 4 years to get pregnant so you got to know this was a big big deal to me. well january came and i went to the doc. and i was 6 weeks into my pregnancy and there was no heart beat. too early to detect. i kind of new in my heart something was wrong. so we went back in feb. and the doc. confirmed that i was having a m/c. i was devestated. so the whole month of march my husband and i tried everyday and by god we got pregnant again in april 2001 and we did get a heart beat on this one. 9 months later we had a beautiful baby boy.

      i still to this day wonder what went wrong with my m/c and what that baby would have been like if it would have carried in me full term.

      it is a devestating horrible traumatic thing to got through but i could honestly say that i would much rather go through a m/c than still born. i dont think i could ever handle that and my ehart goes out to any family who has to go throught that.

      #57; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:43:00 GMT
    • Hi Karen,

      I had a mc on March 28th of this year, I was 19 weeks, a week before it happend I noticed slight bleeding, so I went to the ER, because it was late at night, they sent me home, saying just to take it easy, went to my doctor the next day, same thing, ended up in the ER again!! well that went on for the next couple days, ended up getting admitted to the hospital on a fri night, let me out the next day, and they told me I was past the worst that could happen, well I wasn't, went to my doc on Monday morning, he seemed worried had me come back the next day for a full ultrasound, well bad news he sent me to the hospital, there was no longer a heart beat and no amniotic fluid, they had to induce my labor, I have never been through something so devastating in my life:gloomy: Im going to try again soon, and just hope and pray it wont happen again.

      Jenn

      #58; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:44:00 GMT
    • Let me begin by saying how grateful I am to all the woman who have shared their stories. I have been comforted to know that I am not alone in my experience, despite not knowing any of you personally. In ways I now feel more connected to each of you than I do to my friends of years who have not endured such a loss.

      I just had to share my story. I found out that I was pregnant for the first time on April 23, 2006. Although I had constantly dreamed of pregnancy and publicly pined for motherhood around my friends, the pregnancy was an unintentional surprise. My boyfriend of nearly two years and I are not married, and our relationship had been in decline. He was unsure of what he wanted to do, and I was angry with myself for getting pregnant in less than ideal circumstances. However, as the first few weeks went by we both agreed to accept the blessing that we'd been chosen to receive. It was magical the way our apprehension grew into happiness and excitement! I saw the "father" come out in him, and I was beyond pleasantly surprised. We read pregnancy books together, and even started thinking about names. Even though I knew I was supposed to wait until the end of the 1st trimester to tell people, I just couldn't contain my news! I was looking forward to all the changes motherhood would bring.

      Unfortunately, I began spotting last weekend. I knew something was not right. Believe it or not, my mother was also my midwife (and elated to be expecting her first grandchild.) I demanded that she do something to ease my concerns. She took my blood to check for hormone levels and sent it to the lab. Unsatisfied, I began taking miscarriage prevention herbal remedies and put myself to rest. I didn't go to work on Mon or Tues and continued with my regimen. My blood test came back low but in the normal range on Tuesday. I decided to get an ultrasound just in case. After driving two hours to a nearby midwife, she confirmed that there was no heartbeat. The baby had stopped developing sometime between 5 and 7 weeks. My boyfriend kept asking if there was some mistake, if the baby was just small. But I knew.

      The past 48 hours have been the most physically and emotionally painful in my life. I endured three "labors" trying to miscarry naturally. Last night I resigned myself to a D&C because I simply could not endure the pain any longer. Then, WHILE READING THIS FORUM, I went to the bathroom and effortlessly passed the placenta. I believe you all helped me to relax in some way. I was relieved to complete the physical part of the process so I can begin to heal my heart. I will plant my little placenta in the earth, along with a flower to grow in place of my pregnancy.

      Now, my life returns to uncertainty. I want nothing more than to be a mother. But I am not married, and I'm unsure of whether my boyfriend would want to actually try for a pregnancy. It is a very sad time. Thank you for listening and understanding.

      #59; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:45:00 GMT
    • I had a mc at around 8 or 9 weeks. It wasn't really a surprise as I had not expected that pregnancy to be sucessful. With my previous two pregnancies I had known at the moment of conception (even though I didn't know what it was I felt the first time). There was a rush of energy that I have never felt at any other time. That didn't happen this time, and I just felt that I would miscarry.

      On the day my miscarriage started dp and I were going out house hunting with out 7 month old ds. I was feeling a bit crampy while we were out walking, but I tried to ignore it. Later in the day I felt a little gush of liquid (waters breaking?) but again ignored while we were out. After that the cramps got stronger and I knew that I was starting to miscarry. I didn't say anything as I didn't want to upset dp while we were out. When we got home, dp was feeding ds on our bed and I went to the toilet. I notaiced that I had started to bleed a little. At that stage it was just brown spotting. I told dp that I was losing the baby and we cried together for a few minutes. We put ds to bed together and then that evening drank some wine. That stopped all the cramping. The next morning I woke up and was having contractions. About 3 hours after the contractions started (I was bleeding lightly then, but it was bright red blood) I went to the toilet and passed the placenta. I saw the placenta (which was about 2-3 cm in diameter and had a thin umbilical cord attached) and later passed some membranes, but I never saw a baby. I don't know if I just missed it amongst the clots, or if it was too small to see when it stopped developing. I stopped having contractions after the membranes passed out of me, but I had clots and fairly heavy bleeding the rest of the day. I had lighter bleeding, more like a period for the next week. Until on the 7th day I passed a clot while in the toilet and after that the bleeding stopped completely.

      After the first day, when I was exhausted and felt awful, physically the mc wasn't too hard. I recovered quickly and got pregnant again that cycle, with my dd (and I felt that reasuring rush with her!).

      #60; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:46:00 GMT
    • I just lost my precious baby a few days ago. And I thought it would help with the healing if I told his story.

      My eighth child decided to come a little early. I went to my routine prenatal visit in my 16th week. During this visit, the Dr could not find the heartbeat. She asked what I wanted to do, go to the hospital for a check up or just wait until next time (in two weeks) to try again. I told her that if there was no heartbeat, then there was nothing to be done about it, and if there was one then it would be there next visit. So I waited. However, somewhere in the deepest part of my heart, I had felt that I was not going to carry this baby through. I had had this feeling from the earliest days of my pregnancy, yet I said nothing to anyone. I just thought it was an over active imagination. However, when the doctor could not find the heartbeat, deep inside, I knew. I told my husband, what happened at the visit, and we both felt that going to the hospital would be a waist of time. However, he never thought for a second that our baby really did not have a heartbeat. I had felt for weeks that my stomach was not growing right. Something just seemed off.

      A week later I used the bathroom, and wiped, and I saw the tiniest hint of brown. I wiped again, and nothing, so although I was contemplating what that meant, or if I even really saw something, I said nothing. Two days later, I wiped again only to have the same hint of brown, then nothing. The next day, a larger hint of brown, even after wiping twice. The next day, I had a hint of brown almost every time I went to the bathroom. I knew something was not right, but I also knew that there was nothing that could be done other than letting nature take its course. I prayed and prayed every night that my Father would protect my baby and make her healthy and strong. I woke up the next day about noon and had red blood on my underwear. Now I am really worried, not just wondering. I toss back and forth as to whether to say anything to my husband (I have not mentioned anything yet) or not. I kept thinking, should I go to the hospital or just wait it out (it was a Sunday, so I could not just call my doctor). I kept wondering how to say something to my husband about this. I kept asking my Father to let me know if I should go to the hospital or just let it happen. The only concern I had was whether or not my baby was still alive. If there was no heartbeat then I would have refused service and had an unassisted birth at home anyway. I did not want a d&c even though the baby might have been dead.

      I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I was feeling ucky inside, the same feeling that I get when I have my period. Not painful, just ucky. As I was sitting there and I wiped, I had a large amount of red blood on the paper. I put a pad onto my underwear and went back to lay down in my bed in a fetal position. My husband went upstairs at this time; he still did not know anything was wrong. I was praying that this was just one of those things that happen in pregnancy sometimes. In reality, there had been very little blood, so there was a possibility that it would stop. A very short time later, minutes really, I felt like I was having a flow. I got up and went back to the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet, more blood came out. I sat there a short while and then again went back to the bed. I did this every 10 -15 minutes for about an hour. On my last trip to the toilet, I sat there and I felt clots come out. That is when I knew it was for real. I stayed on the toilet for a while. I could feel contractions in my uterus, but there was no pain. I felt a contraction, then I felt the baby begin to descend. I reached my hand down to grab her, because I did not want her to fall into the toilet. That is when I felt the bag of water bulge. It came almost all the way out and just hung there, mostly out but not quite. I sat there for a time waiting for another contraction to bring it out the rest of the way, but they just stopped. I decided that I was not going to deliver my baby into a toilet, so I got off the toilet and squatted in the tiny bathroom floor. I grabbed a spit rag (an infant recivening blanket) that was laying beside the door and put it under me to catch any blood. I tried pushing, but it did not budge. I tried pulling, but could not really grab it. I kept wondering if my baby was still alive inside the sac or not. After a short while the sac fell out right into my hand. It was small, about the size of a large orange and perfectly intact. The water was brown and dark, but I could see my baby inside, not moving. I sat back on the toilet and continued to pass some clots and blood for a short time. I then tried to break the bag to get to my baby. The bag was very strong and hard to break, but after several tries, I succeeded out came my baby. As I held the baby in my hands I examined it and realized that my baby was a boy, not a girl as I had supposed. He was tiny. Five inches long. Tiny hands, tiny feet. Perfectly formed fingers and toes. He had eyelids with tiny slits in them. I held my son for a while as I sat there and cried, all alone. Then I got up and went to take a shower. I figured my husband would come in while I showered and see the blood, then I would not have to explain what had happened, I still did not know what to say or how to say it. After I showered, I returned to my bathroom. It was all still there, like a nightmare that would not end. My husband was outside working on the car and had no idea of what I had been going through. I got a clean fresh spit rag and wrapped my son in it. I then had to clean up all the blood on the bathroom floor before any of my other children came down.

      After I cleaned up, I sat down and held my son. He was so tiny. We had been tossing around two names for the baby, so after looking up both names again, I decided to name my son Zephaniah, because it means the Lord is my secret. He was our secret, we had not told anyone yet and only the Lord knew why it happened this way.

      A very short time later, as I was sitting in front of my computer, holding my son, my husband walks in telling me all about the cars problems. I just sit there, staring at the computer with tears running down my face. He kisses me on the cheek and asks me if my stomach was bothering me. I could not speak at all, so I just opened the bundle that I was holding and showed him our son. It was a big shock to him, and he was understandably upset. We talked for a short while, but we had to go to the store for pads, as I was not prepared for any bleeding at this time. I had no time to just sit and mourn.

      Physically, I was feeling ok. I was tired, and a bit tender, but nothing more. I had reduced my bleeding to a medium period type bleeding. I was wondering about the placenta, but I had passes many clots, and there was no cord on the outside of the sac, so I figured that I had already passed it, or that it did not form properly, thus creating the problem. By the end of the evening, I had even less bleeding. I used a total of four pads the entire day. I figured the event was physically over. As the next day came I felt fine, like a light period, and I was tired and achy, but ok. We went out to eat, however every bump in the road made me ache more. Later that evening as I sat in the bed watching TV, I again began to have contractions. They were not painful, just noticeable. I was drinking some hot RRL tea and I was hungry. As I sat there I began to notice that they were getting very frequent and a little more intense. As I began to eat a bowl of soup, I realized that I could not do anything during a contraction, and that they were only about one to two minutes apart. I figured that I was having after pains, but thought I would just go take a hot shower to relax, that always helps during contractions. As I was showering, I felt something moving down from my cervix into my vagina. That is when I realized that I had not passed the placenta yet, and it was time. I pushed as hard as I could when I had a contraction, and after a couple of them it came right out. It was larger than I thought it would be. It was not flat and roundish (as a full term one is), it was odd shaped, about the size of a plum. After examining it carefully, I saw the cord that was still attached to it. Apparently the cord was so short that it broke when the baby was born (but must have been why the sac did not just fall out right away). I finished my shower and went back to my bed. The contractions had stopped. After about two trips to the bathroom with the same flow feeling that I had had before the baby came I felt another thing pass. This was another piece of the placenta (the last piece). It was the flat part about three to four inches in size. After this the bleeding again returned to a light period type bleeding. My body is now finished with the pregnancy, and is recovering fine. Physically, it is like just having a period, but mentally, I know that I no longer have a baby.

      After closer examination of my son (he had a tiny wee wee and sac, so we could easily tell it was a boy), I have come to the conclusion that he had a chromosomal abnormality. He died about 15.5 to 16 weeks (he was born at about 18 weeks). He was five inches long, with perfect, fully formed fingers and toes. His legs and arms were so small and thin. . However, his left foot seemed just slightly smaller than his right, and seemed slightly bent. Also, his ears had ear buds, but no lobes (which should have formed already), his nose was not formed, but had two nostrils. His whole head had the alien look which is usually more babyish by 18 weeks. Also, his neck was too large for his body and his upper torso was so much larger than his lower body. It was like he was developing at different stages in different parts of his body. His hands and feet were like a 16 week baby, his length was about 18 weeks, his head and face was about 8-10 weeks, and his neck was like in the very early stages when it was almost the same size as the head.

      In retrospect, I know that my prayers to my Father were answered. My son was protected and made healthy and safe and strong, it just happened in the arms of Jesus instead of mine. His empty shell was buried in our back yard. My Zephaniah was born on June 25, 2006 at 18 weeks into the arms of Jesus.

      #61; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:47:00 GMT
    • kidsaplenty..no time to write what i want to now, but your story is amazing. except for the fact that i was earlier for my loss, our stories are very similar.

      i lost 3 babies. more later

      #62; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:48:00 GMT
    • 2 days prior to my m/c, my morning sickness went away...i just thought i was getting lucky and would have light to non-existant m/s.

      July 1st 2006, i woke up around 9am and had to pee. Went to the bathroom and had some spotting...nothing major and i had read that early in your 1st pregnancy, spotting is normal...heck some women even have regular period-type bleeding.

      Soooo...i told myself not to worry about it, i wasn't having any cramping, it didn't smell bad, wasn't brownish and was very very light...skip to 2 hours later...i have to pee yet again.

      I go in the bathroom and the bleeding is heavier and smells kind of sour. Now i'm freaking out b/c i know what is happening. I go out to the living room and tell db/f that i need to go to town now and buy some underwear

      (not a big panty wearer anyways, i only wear them when i'm menstrating and since i was pregnant, stopped wearing them completely) and some pads. I'm crying and trying to explain to him why and also trying to convince him and myself that i'm not m/c-ing. He was upset but trying to re-assure me everything would be okay...so he drives me to town and we go to dollar general b/c i have $10 to my name that day.

      We get back and i still am not having any cramping at all...i go to the bathroom to put on the panties and pad and the bleeding is much much heavier...not running down my leg or anything, but heavy. so i clean up with a wash rag and he goes and gets his mom to see what to do. We go to the ER b/c she thinks maybe it could be stopped and to see if it's definitely a m/c.

      Skip to ER. Immediately they take the clots and tissue out of my pad(not a lot at all), that i passed on the way there...only having very light to non-existant cramping...it's so light i have to concentrate to see if it's there and then i wonder if it's my mind playing tricks on me. They ask me how far along i am and i tell them 7 weeks, 3 days. They take an HcG blood test...takes maybe 1 hour for the results, the level is 63.12...wayyy too low for 7 weeks. Dr is still optimistic b/c he said some women just have low HcG levels to begin with. Puts me on strict bedrest, no getting up for anything but the bathroom. Schedules my u/s for that monday (this was saturday)...and another HcG test to be done.

      Skip to Monday...still hadn't had hardly any cramping...nothing major (which still puzzles my ob/gyn, she said at 7 weeks my cramping should have been more painful than what it was...), hardly any bleeding...not even as heavy as my periods usually are. They do the u/s and of course it's not the happy, let's look at your baby type...so the tech's wouldn't tell me anything...not even that they could or could not find a heartbeat or anything...luckily i'm not stupid and saw for myself that my uterus was empty...no baby, no heartbeat...at 7 weeks the baby would have been 2/3 of an inch long, so i'm sure i would have been able to see something...and the heart develops at like 6 weeks, i think, so i should have heard that...i heard nothing...saw nothing. Felt totally dead inside and empty. After u/s they do HcG test, level is 20. Lower than Saturday but ER dr said by monday level should have been 5 or less...but b/c it went down, they sent me home, took me off of bedrest and said i was all better. ugh. This ER, btw, was in Illinois and i live in Indiana...was on vacation for the 4th.

      Skip ahead to wednesday the 5th and i make an appointment with my family dr b/c i need a note to go back to work. He sends me to ob/gyn dr b/c he doesn't do female exams anymore. Ugh. She's (ob/gyn dr.) very mad b/c she said the ER should have been concerned that my last HcG test wasn't 5 or lower...and i could have an ectopic pregnancy that they missed on u/s. So she does my exam and pap and says she doesn't think i need a d&c, unless my HcG levels are still above 5, b/c that would mean i was having an ectopic pregnancy. So she sends me to our local ER for HcG test which comes back as 2. Now she's relieved. Looks over the u/s report that the other ER faxed to her earlier and says everything looks good, she can't find a reason for the m/c but also sees no reason to not try again. The only thing that puzzled her was the pathology report that they faxed on the tissue and clots i had passed...they found uterine tissue and placental tissue, but no fetal tissue...so she tells me that she thinks my body absorbed the baby earlier like at 5 weeks and it just took my body a while to realize it.

      Tells me the following: "Sometimes these things just happen, it's our bodies way of trying to bring only babies that will live happy lives into the world. Once you and your b/f are ready, you can try again right away."

      but now neither he nor i are ready to risk going through that again...it's an internal struggle for us both, we both want to have a baby together really badly...however neither of us wants to go through that again...so we've decided to wait on ttc again, at least for now.

      #63; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:49:00 GMT
    • Thank you, Karen for starting this thread. And thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. I'm still processing my m/c that happened this week and reading everyone's experiences has been helpful. I spent all day yesterday writing my story (about 11 pages, handwritten) and today I made a scrapbook with that story, the note I wrote to my mw who helped me through this, and all the birth art I made about a month ago. :(

      I was about 22 weeks pregnant, but I don't know exactly how far along because I never got my cycles back since my daughter was born 11/06/2003. We had been hoping to get pregnant since last summer, but not trying. We just figured it would happen when the time was right. In March, my nipples started really hurting when my daughter nursed. My first trimester felt like first trimester and I was really quite happy when the refridgerator smelled too horrible for me to open it.

      We moved to a new state in the beginning of May. So life was really busy. I stopped feeling pg symptoms around this time, but just figured I was just entering second trimester. I was glad to have a little more energy for unpacking and moving into our new home. Some time in June I started to wonder where the wonderful water dreams and birth dreams were. I was worried that it was so much harder to connect with this baby. And I wasn't feeing as big as I had with my daughter, either.

      July 3 I had a horrible nightmare - very scary and medical. I woke up terribly shaken and told my husband. He was supportive but neither of us could figure out what it meant. July 5 I started spotting - dark brown, just a little bit each day, not enough for a pad. The morning of July 8 a rash appeared on the tops of my feet by the 10th it had spead to my legs.

      July 9, 700 miles away, my grandmother died.

      Since the rash was becoming intolerable, the spotting was continuing, and my grandmother's funeral was scheduled to the same day as my next mw appointment, I paged my midwife. This was July 11. I told her my present symptoms, basically what's in 2 paragraphs above this. She said she wanted to see me first thing the next morning and she would pray for me. That got me really scared.

      When I got up to pee at 2:30 am on July 12, I left the light off as usual, but something told me to look at the tp after I wiped. It was dark, so I turned on the light, looked in the potty and saw it was full of blood. I went back to sleep because I knew I would need the rest.

      At 8:30 my husband, daughter, stepson and I went to the mw office. She felt my belly, which felt like at was about 18 weeks to her, when I should have been at 22. Then she tried listening with the fetoscope - no heartbeat, and then the doppler for a long time - still nothing. We sat down and talked. She told me she I was miscarrying. I had two choices. I could go home and try to pass the miscarriage or I find a health care provider somewhere who could do an u/s so I could find out what was going on. Since I didn't know when the baby (at that point I still thought that there had been a baby) had stopped growing, and I wanted to know more before making a choice.

      I called down the list that my midwife gave me and got hold of a cnm at a hospital who told me to go through the women's hospital traige. My husband took the kids out to lunch and to play downtown. I started to feel really alone so I paged my midwife. She came and stayed with me while they did all the ultrasounds (which was a really long time). Then my husband came back to hear about it and our options from the doctors, while my mw watched the kids in a waiting room.

      It turned out that I had an amniotic sac that measured about 11 weeks with a placenta and my uterus that measured at about 16 weeks. There was no fetus.

      My husband and I debated whether to stay in the hospital for a D&C or to go home to try to pass it. Because the sizes we mismatched and had stopped growing so long ago, and there was no fetus, I was afraid to pass it at home. It also felt so bizarre and wrong that I did not want to see it or hold it. The u/s images still haunt me.

      I went in for the D&C that night. I was scared going into the OR, but the hospital staff were all very kind and supportive. My anaesthesiologist was wonderful and talked with me through the procedure. I was awake with a spinal and felt absolutely nothing from the waist down. When I came out I felt better than I had in weeks. I felt human again. I was glad that I had made that choice.

      ***********Update: 7/24/2006

      It's taken me this long to let myself grieve. When I attended my grandmother's funeral, it was healing. It was like the words were for my baby, too. We named him Mason and registered a star in his name in Scorpius for when his due date was.

      #64; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:50:00 GMT
    • I never felt really "right" about this pregnancy from the beginning. To start with, my last AF was on April 19th. My son had just weaned, so this was also my first cycle back from his birth/breastfeeding. May came and went, and no AF. I tested around the time I thought I'd be getting AF, and it was neg. I went to the doc. When I was over a week late, and No AF, No BFP, and even the blood test was neg. AF still did not arrive and I was feeling a little tired. I had an extra HPT in the bathroom, so I tested for fun. I about fell off the toilet when it was a BFP!! Since I had no idea how far along I was, we had a gestational ultrasound done (normally we skip the ultrasound or limit it to one near the end).

      It showed that we were already 8 weeks! Baby was healthy, but I just felt "off". I didn't feel pregnant and the normal signs of m/s, breast tenderness and growth were all absent. I thought maybe I'd be lucky and not get any signs, but I guess something else was going on.

      Around July 10th, I started to have a darker than normal discharge. Not really strange for me when I'm pregnant, so I didn't think much of it. It didn't smell weird either. On July 15th, I woke up to a pink discharge/spotting. I called my midwife, who said it could be nothing and that if I'm really worried I can go to the ER. She also pointed out that since I'd had sex the night before, it could be from that.

      The day went on and the spotting got worse, so I went to the ER. They gave me a pelvic exam and said my cervix was closed and it was probably nothing to worry about. I asked for another ultrasound to see if the baby was ok, but there was "no one on staff qualified to operate an ultrasound". Since it was before the normal time that you can hear with the doppler and I have a tilted uterus, there wasn't a chance of "hearing" the heartbeat.

      I went home and pretty much knew what was coming. I woke up on the 16th to heavier bleeding and some slight cramps. By days end I was in full m/c with large clots and major cramping. About 3 am on the 17th, it appeared that I had passed on the clots as the bleeding had tapered off. I finally got some sleep and rested most of the day. About 6pm on the 17th, I went to the bathroom, feeling the need to push, I went with it. It wasnt painful, but was very unexpected. I "delivered" the placenta intact. I placed it in a clean container and brought it to my appt. I had made with my midwife. She looked at it and said that it was possible that Malachi was inside, but she'd only know if she opened it up. I wasn't prepared or feeling a need for her to do that, so I declined and we are going to bury it assuming that Malachi has passed on in some manner that we will never truly know.

      I wasn't prepared for any of this as most of the literature is very vague. The clots were very similar to immediately after birth, but I wasn't prepared at all for the experience of delivering the placenta. It was about the size of a baseball and was amazing yet very heart wrenching at the same time.

      Closure for me has consisted of giving the baby a name and also being able to deal with this in a peaceful manner at home. My body operates the way it does for a reason and for me, there was absolutely no need for medical intervention. For this I am thankful.

      #65; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:51:00 GMT
    • This thread was an incredible resource for me when I was miscarrying two weeks ago. The level of detail that everyone has been willing to share helped so much in knowing what to expect. So I'll add my story to the list.

      I was nearly 7 weeks pregnant with our second child, after one month ttc. I had meticulously planned the conception cycle for a first trimester in summer (so dh could easily entertain ds outside while I lay around feeling nauseated and tired), and was thrilled when we got pg right away.

      For the first few weeks I felt like I was glowing with the pregnancy... I fell asleep with happy baby thoughts and woke up each morning, remembered that I was pg, and was bursting with happiness. But I started feeling cramps and a backache almost immediately... before I even tested positive. However, since I was nursing ds still, I thought maybe the uterine contractions from nursing were causing the crampy feelings. As the pregnancy progressed, the "glowing" feeling receded, and the nausea I expected was notably absent... I felt a little too "normal." While I knew that every pregnancy has different symptoms, I felt something was awry. I would POAS every once in a while, and was happy to see that the line was darker each time, though. Two days before I m/c, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling incredibly nauseated, and I vomited. I was never so happy to feel sick... but I never felt nauseated again.

      On ds second birthday, I passed a brown, flaky clot, which is weird, because I never had seen a flaky clot before. I had to check to make sure it wasn't a bm (tmi?). When I saw the pink on the tp, my heart plummeted. I started searching the web and saw that passing a clot could be normal, but I still felt a sense of dread all evening. The next morning, I woke up at 4:30 AM and just *knew* without a doubt it was over. I knew somehow... I felt different, empty. I went back to sleep though, because I wasn't ready to know the answer yet. At 6:30 AM when dh awoke, I went to the bathroom and saw brown stains in my underpants from overnight. More dread. I used the toilet and after I wiped, I looked into the tp and saw a complete amniotic sac, about the size of a grape. I was kind of in shock, like I was kicked in the stomach, but strangely really curious to see it. It was clear, filled with clear fluid, and if there was an embryo inside, it must have been very small... like rice-sized... way too small for its age. I put the sac in an empty coffee cup and went to tell dh that the pregnancy was over. Later in the day, the sac became cloudy and opaque. I ended up flushing it. I kind of wish I did something else with it, but I don't know what would have seemed appropriate either.

      That day, I had menstrual-like cramps all day, and for a period of about two hours, they were sufficiently intense to make me stop what I was doing and pay attention to them and nothing else. However, I had only light bleeding all day. I worried that I wasn't going to pass everything successfully.

      The next three days, we had a mini-vacation to the mountains planned, and I was incredibly happy to be away and distracted. It was during those three days that I passed most of the clots and any placenta there was... I really couldn't identify anything. It was like a very heavy period, with cramps that were intermittently very intense. Bleeding ended a few days later.

      Even though it was only seven weeks, and even though there was no identifiable "baby," I felt and still feel very sad. Just sad. We are ttc again already. For my situation, it feels best to try again, right away... to feel like I am actively doing something constructive I guess.

      #66; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:52:00 GMT
    • In June 2004, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl, I had no real complications with my preg and didn't even give a 2nd thought when I became preg in Feb. 2006. I went in for my 8 week check up and saw a perfect little baby with a heartbeat, so never in my wildest dreams would I have predected what would happen in another month. I had some slight pain, but nothing that was even enough to concern me then a little light spotting, I was away on a trip so I didn't even call the dr. A few days past and the spotting got heavier, so I called the dr when I got home and I was sent for a sono. I just expected to have some problem with my cervex and thought I would be put on bed rest or something that would make my life hell for a while, but as I looked at the sono, it only took a moment to know that wasn't what was going on. The lady wouldn't say anything to me and that only made it worse. I looked and saw my baby three weeks behind the date and knew she wasn't finding a heart beat. I keept asking what is going on, is my baby dead and she just said I need to have the dr look, I told her not to leave the room without telling me what was going on, she finally said she couldn't pick up a heartbeat, but she needed the dr to look before she would confirm. I broke down in tears and requested my husband be let in the room. We had just decided the night before that we were going to start calling the baby Sammy, so it was hard to loose this little person we had just placed a name on. When I sat in the dr office to go over D & C proc, I just couldn't believe that it was happening. I went home and got drunk off my butt, I needed to be numb, I know it wasn't a good way to cope, but I didn't know what else to do. I was mad at God, the world and most of all my body for letting me down. Every day after the D & C was a trial, the smallest thing could set me off crying or yelling, it took me three weeks to pack up my maternaty clothing. I decided that I wanted to try again as soon as possible because I felt this was the only way I could heal. I got preg again after my first cycle in June and although I wanted to be happy for the news, I couldn't be. I went to the dr to get hormone levels checked and all were great, we went to have a sono at 5 weeks and the sac was irreguliar, they said it could just be too soon, but with the last experiance I just couldn't be hopefull. I came home and did some reading and found nothing good. I had told myself there was no hope but once I got my blood re-checked and everything was still good I decided I had to hold on to hope for me and the baby. The same day I got the call saying my blood work was ok was the day I had bleeding it was a short spurt of it but it had some clotting so the dr told me I would need to watch it for the night, but if I didn't start bleeding like a reg. period, I would need to have another D & C. I didn't bleed anymore, so I told myself, maybe I wasn't going to m/c, but the dr didn't see it that way, they were only going to give me over the weekend. Me not wanting to give up and needing proof for myself, I went to the ER that night and got a sono and blood work (it was still ok) the dr in the ER said that a fetal pole was shown on the sono but it was fuzzy not clear and that wasn't a good sign. I couldn't see this as a clear sign of m/c because in the previous sono no fetal pole was seen. I went all weekend thinking maybe, maybe this was all some fluke, some strange way that nature was trying to get me to appriciate what I had, but a trip to the Dr. on Monday put that all to rest. For whatever reason the dr in the ER had not been truthfull, no fetal pole was seen my dr let me see the report. With all the facts on the table, we knew what we had to do and set up the D & C for the follwoing day. I bleed some more that night, but once again not much, for some reason, my body just doesn't want to m/c. After the second D&C I was not in as much pain as before the proc (I had lot's of cramping with this preg). Even though this was only 6 weeks and it was a B/O I still think of it as a baby, I know some people don't because the sac is empty, but from the moment I become preg I have a baby in me. Becouse of my first loss, as soon as I became preg I came up with a unisex name to call the baby this one was Alex. It has been one week from Alex and three months from Sammy and I tell them goodnight every night. The loss of a child is the greatest loss a mother will ever suffer and to me m/c is a loss no matter what anyone will tell you. I am trying to mentaly prepaire for next time, knowing that this may happen for a third time, but wanting to be hopefull. I have read others who say after a m/c you just don't even believe that you are going to have a baby the next time you become preg and I think that put greater fear in me that loosing another baby. With my first child, I loved being preg, feeling her move and waiting to see what she would look like. After a loss, I fear I will only feel anticipation for problems and won't find any joy till my baby is in my arms. I am willing to try again, because child birth and motherhood are the greatest experiance I have ever known and my baby girl is why I wake up every day and I just hope that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I am sorry for everone that is going through this and I just pray that we all make it and that we all have the love and support we need to heal our hearts.
      #67; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:53:00 GMT
    • i went to my first appointment with a doctor and asked for a progesterone test. she wouldn't give me one. she said it wouldn't matter anyways. i had a premonition something was wrong a couple weeks after conception. i even told that to the doctor. i wish i would have advocated for myself - i knew that tesing was the right thing to do.

      a couple weeks later i wiped and there was the tiniest amount of blood. brown blood. i bolstered my will, went to work and halfway through the day there was blood again. called the doctors office (a different one). went in for the ultrasound. i heard "i am so sorry. it looks like the baby stopped developing at 7 weeks". i asked if she was sure. she was. i freaked out. i was alone. alone with my pants down. naked emotions raw scattered. i shouldn't have been alone. i sat in a room waiting for my doula and my doctor (this was a different doctor). thankfully he let me do what i thought was right for me.

      i went home. cried. read this thread. cried. stopped feeling for while. drove around the lake. decided i needed to be at the bottom of the stormy choppy waters. not that i wanted to die. i was there metaphorically, the waters were so choppy gray cold murky. i just wanted to be cold, unfeeling.

      friday saturday sunday passes. the whole time i was having a hard time knowing that my baby was dead inside me. sunday night while in bed i felt a peace knowing thinking this was the last time we would all be together again (my two kids, the baby and myself). monday i went to a labor day rally for immigrants, stopped to talk to a different doula friend and i felt the blood. she reminded me this was all totally natural.

      i wanted to see the clots and the cells. i put a colander on the toilet. the blood and the clots started coming strong at 6 pm. i passed blood and clots for a couple hours. i nursed my baby, changed her diaper while on the toilet. clots. blood everywhere. the doctors trust was equally important as the reminder that this was totally natural. a friend came over about 9, she said "are you ready to go"? where? to the hospital. i laughed. finally 3 am i was ready to go to bed, in my own bed, with my kids, at home.

      the next day i found a clump of yellow amongst all the blood. i saved it. the doctor said he could have it analyzed, but that involved my baby being soaked in chemicals and spliced apart. no thanks.

      i never had any physical pain.

      i got my period 30 days later.

      it's almost been 3 months and today has been really hard. i realized just today that first doctor didn't listen to me when i asked for my progesterone to be tested. the baby died around the time of that appointment. i saw a pregnant woman rubbing her belly today. the longing for the belly leaves me in tears.

      my son named my baby. i felt she is a she. i will always love you baby.

      #68; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:54:00 GMT
    • July 30, night - Started spotting, pinkish. Went away by morning. Would have been 1st day of eleventh week.

      Aug. 1 - more pink spotting that went away.

      2nd - more spotting, decided to go the the ER. Dr. took blood, and said my cervix was "still sealed."

      3rd - go from spotting to bleeding. Freak out. Go back to the ER, and the doc on call says that he checked the blood test results--my hcg levels are at 4 weeks, not 11. So, yeah... it was over. Stole hospital tissues.

      4th - Go for u/s with clinic doc. He says thinks look "good," but he doesn't see a heartbeat. I go for another blood test, to see if levels went up or down. I didn't really have any hope, but called the clinic later, and levels were down to 2500. So, now, it's just waiting to see how it unfolds.

      5th, early morning - wake up to horrible cramping. Drill my head into my husbands chest and moan. Take tylenol pm. Pass out after an hour of pain. Later that night, I start passing some clots and bleeding heavily.

      6th - Still bleeding, but figure the worst had passed. Am terribly mistaken. At ten thirty or so, I start bleeding a lot. And, passing a lot of chunky bits. And, then the pain kicked in. I figure that what followed was 7 hours of contractions, because the chunks kept getting bigger, and the pains were systematic like contractions are supposed to be. I took double tylenol, spent a lot of time just wailing and moaning on the toilet. The only thing that really helped was "vocalizing." Lots of moaning, groaning, humming, and repeating "It'll be okay" over and over and over again. At about 4 am I'd just had it, and starting hysterically crying that I couldn't do it anymore, and I guess that going into hysterics tripped my stress switch (finally), so I puked in a pretty monumental way. At 4:30, I decided that there's definitely no God, because it doesn't make sense that I was specially selected for something like that. After the "I can't do this anymore" pukefest, things still hurt like hell, but they started to "ramp down." I got to sleep after about 6. That was the single most difficult thing I've ever experienced physically.

      Over the last week and a half, I've continued to bleed, and on some days I'll bleed pretty impressively and pass clots that are big enough for me to feel dropping, for a few hours.

      I've spent a lot of time medicated. Tylenol PM is my best friend. Though, as I'm posting this at 2am, it sometimes doesn't work.

      Edited to add:

      I've pretty much stopped bleeding! 9/19

      #69; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:55:00 GMT
    • I have been hesitant to post...it is much easier to not put it in words.

      I had a positive test May 24/06. I was surprised by this, as our chances were slight to become pregnant. I had 2 tubal ligation reversals which ultimately ended up with only one tube being long enough to reach my ovary. We had ds#3 in Nov 02 (11 mos after the second reversal) We had been very cautious, but not perfect, at NOT trying for all but one month since then. We threw caution to the wind in April and one week was all it took to conceive baby #4.

      My body took off like wildfire very early on in this pregnancy. I had to buy new bras before 6 weeks, my belly was getting "paunchy" shortly after. I expected things to happen quickly, as this was #4, but I was not figuring it would be that quick.

      June 20 -- I went to emergency due to minor spotting. Hardly any blood, but as I had tubal surgery, there was an increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, so I needed to rule that out. The Dr. said my cervix was closed, mucus plug was intact, no active bleeding and my uterus was large for date. u/s scheduled for next am.

      June 21 -- u/s measured small for dates. No more bleeding. After discussion with Midwife, follow up was not scheduled as outcome would not be altered and u/s has not been proven safe or unsafe.

      July 3-6 -- old blood on tp when wiping.

      July 7 -- I was at the park with the kids. We were had a picnic lunch and then went to the petting zoo. I knew then it was over. I had started to bleed more. I didn't have any cramps, but had lower backache. I went to the hospital at dinner time and by 1 am was on my way home. My cervix was still closed, but the Dr. was certain (as was I) the pregnancy would not continue. I needed another u/s to confirm "fetal demise".

      July 8 -- u/s confirmed "fetal demise". The gynecologist offered two options--natural & D&C. I chose to do the D&C. During all of this, I still had very little bleeding and did not want to drag this out anymore than it already was. I was called in at 4pm to go for D&C sometime that night. When I got in and changed, paperwork done etc I went to the bathroom. I felt a "pop" inside me and started to really bleed. I was passing clots the size of a man's fist or bigger everytime I moved in addition to the bleeding.

      During my loss, I never had any abdominal cramping, not even when the clots and bleeding were at their worst. I did however have a slight backache for several weeks.

      I am glad to have found MDC, it has helped to read others stories--there is comfort and sadness knowing I am not the only one.

      To all of you that are experiencing this too--I am truly sorry.

      #70; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:56:00 GMT
    • Like the other posters said, these stories were very helpful to read. I am just home recovering from a miscarriage at 12 weeks that happened on Saturday. Before then, we had no abnormal signs--the pregnancy was very similar to my first, which was a healthy full-term pregnancy (few symptoms, but they were there). Saturday morning I had some brown spotting (I also had spotting during my first pregnancy, but this felt different). At around 5:30, I started passing blood and clots, and continued for some hours. Luckily I had a friend come over--my partner was out of town. I had no pain, but was bleeding very heavily, then briefly passed out. I couldn't get up from the floor without feeling woozy, so we called an ambulance--good thing. My pulse was very difficult to find, and the emt had trouble measuring my blood pressure--it was something like 70/? (they couldn't get the bottom number--too low). I ended up in the er with a transfusion (hemoglobin went to 7), and d & c to stop the bleeding the next day. They were trying to respect my wishes to complete the miscarriage naturally, but I had just lost too much blood. It's very sad, and I think I have some work to do in recovering--I'm bummed to be so weak.

      I do wish I had some idea of how much blood was *too* much--I really didn't, and was very lucky to stay as safe as I did. I'm a big believer in my body's natural abilities, but it's good to know those limitations as well... I'm so glad I wasn't by myself.

      Thanks again to everyone for sharing--healing thoughts to all. I'm glad to hear about the subsequent successful pregnancies as well, and hope one is in my future sometime soon.

      #71; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:57:00 GMT
    • I've read these stories a few at a time. I just can't handle too much at once. I'm so sorry, mamas.

      Thank you ladies, for sharing. I really needed to know. Miscarriage is one of those things we whisper, like "cancer." Truth is, it touches a lot of us. I have been alternately outraged and horrified over the lack of available information.

      I went for my first prenatal visit with a new cnm on June 26, 06. I was 12wks with my third pregnancy. I'm an experienced doula and a childbirth educator. I birthed my second baby at home. I didn't want to use my babysitting "credits" for a routine visit, so dh stayed at home with the girls and I went alone. Going alone didn't seem like a big deal, but it turned out that it was.

      A few minutes after meeting me, the midwife told me she couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler and invited me to the ultrasound room. I don't do routine u/s, but I thought the situation warranted it. We confirmed on u/s that not only was there no heartbeat, there was also no baby.

      I held it together while the pregnant nurse took my blood and while I waited for the cnm to make the arrangements for a detailed u/s at the hospital that afternoon. I howled and bawled in the car before I called dh.

      Dh sent the kids to a friend's house and took me for the second u/s. The tech determined that our baby had died at about 7wks. My most wonderful friend returned my kids later that afternoon, and also sent dinner for our family.

      I had the option of having a d&c immediately, or waiting to m/c naturally. Initially I chose the d&c, because dh was about to leave for a week long business trip and I didn't want to miscarry while home alone with the kids. I woke up the day before it was scheduled with the overwhelming sense that elective surgery was not a choice I'm comfortable with, so I cancelled it.

      On July 3 my labor began. I'd had stop and go contractions for a few days, but no spotting or bleeding or anything, really. On the 3rd, I was spraying my girls with the water hose when a contraction literally knocked me down. The next came within a few minutes, and then it was on. Thankfully dh was home.

      I tried to get comfortable in the living room for a while, but I gave up and moved to the toilet after maybe a half an hour or so. When I did, I started bleeding. I put a (leftover from my 5yo's birth) chux pad on the bathroom stool and sat there through contractions for the next 3 hours. (we changed that pad several times) Dh sat there with me. I bled a lot and passed some big clots. It hurt, but it was managable. Eventually I got to the point where I was tired and irritated and bored with the whole thing--it was like transition in a normal birth. I turned to dh and started swearing about how I was sick of it all, and in the middle of it I had a big contraction and the placenta shot out. It was about the size of the palm of my hand. The fetal sac was apparent, the baby was not.

      Then it was over.

      I ate and went to bed.

      A week later I was still on the hormonal roller coaster. One day it was particularly bad; that night I had a pop and gush and passed some more placenta.

      I had a normal-ish period a few weeks after that, but my hormones were still whacked. I cried and raged at random intervals.

      A week after that period had tapered and ceased, I had a pop and gush and passed more placenta. That was extremely alarming, as I'd though I'd finished my miscarriage a month prior.

      With that last pop and gush, my hormones returned to a baseline I can live with. Until I felt better, I hadn't realized how bad off I'd been.

      If I'd had a crystal ball back in June, I would have had the d&c. I wouldn't have chosen to live with retained placenta for over a month.

      As it turned out, I'm glad I did it the way I did.

      #72; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:58:00 GMT
    • Hello,

      I'm looking for some advice. I had a blighted ovum, which the doctors pointed out to me on July 10th. I should have been at 12 weeks, but the ovum didn't develop, just the sack and everything else developed. By July 14th, I still hadn't passed anything, so I opted for Misoprostal. It took about 13 hours, and was excruciating, and I have a high pain tolerance, so that's saying something. What came out (along with a LOT of blood) was about 3 inches long and had a clear sack. There was nothing but clear liquid and some opaque liquid that looked like egg whites in it. My husband and I buried it under a newly planted tree. I went back to the doctor after two weeks, and the ultrasound and hormone tests showed that I'm all clear, but I'm still bleeding, heavily. They said there is something that is probably a polyp or fibroid in my uterus, about the size of a pea, not any leftover from pregnancy, and that is normal and they don't know if it's connected to the bleeding or not. I have a hysteroscopy (they inject fluid into the uterus to get a clearer ultrasound) scheduled on October 3rd to try to see what's going on. Has anyone else heard of bleeding for this long? 71 days? I am taking iron supplements, but of course I'm very anemic after bleeding this long, and I'm wondering if this means I have a major problem, am I infertile, what's going on? I really wish doctors were more knowlegeable than they seem to be about this. One of the ultrasound technicians flat out told me that she was "better with babies" than understanding these kind of complications. Anyone have any ideas?

      Thank you

      #73; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:59:00 GMT
    • I had a perfect (surprise) pregnancy with my first child and a wonderful birth experience. He is now 9 months old, and I (surprise again) found out that I was pregnant a little over a week and a half ago (despite our efforts to be careful). What a surprise-- he is exclusively breastfeeding and we had no signs of ovulation yet! So we celebrated after two positive pregnancy tests. I made a doctor's appointment for that Wednesday since she wanted to see me right away given that I was breastfeeding and uncertain of how far along.

      The night before the appointment I started spotting. By Wednesday, I was sitting in her doctor's office knowing that I had lost the baby since the spotting turned to bleeding and clotting. I know the exact moment I lost the baby. I held her (I had a strong feeling it was a girl, the same feeling I had with my son.) not knowing what to do. Now I wish I had saved her so that we could find out why and so that I could bury her. My ob pulled blood levels, which confirmed what I knew in my heart. And even though I only knew about her for a short time (I had suspected I was pregnant for a while, dismissing the notion because I thought it really wasn't possible), it hurts just the same.

      I return to the doctor next Wednesday so that she can evaluate if there is any permanent damage and if we need to do anything else. The hardest part is experiencing the symptoms of pregnancy knowing that I am no longer pregnant. They are supposed to subside in a few weeks.

      Every thing is so raw within me right now. I have a very good friend who experienced a misscarriage after two healthy pregnancies; she has been directed my way like only one who has experienced this can. My husband, bless him, isn't quite sure what to do. I am such a mixture of emotions. I would like to have more babies but am afraid to be pregnant again because I don't want to experience this again. My heart is open though to both another pregnancy and adoption.

      I am trying to let myself experience the emotions as they arrive without analyzing. I am most thankful that I have the blessing of a healthy baby boy, which some women will never be able to have. I find myself more convicted in my positions of a mother, wife, doula, breastfeeding advocate...I find it odd that our culture has no formal ritual for this cycle of life. I am planning to bury the tests at my mother's house and plant my favorite flower, daffodils, on top when I am ready. I know that there is a future and a plan for me and my family no matter how big or small. I take hold to that and the hope that is within.

      I am so sorry for all of your losses. I hope that through mine I can help others just as your stories have helped me. Blessings to you all.

      #74; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:00:00 GMT
    • I am so very very sad reading all of these stories here. They have taken me back to a few years ago, when we lost three babies in a row during our struggle to have a child. We finally have a daughter now, which I consider a miracle and a joy beyond belief. For so long, miscarriage and ectopic loss boards were my home, and I shared and grieved with hundreds of others who understood. We despaired that we might never have a living child. Now we do, but still the memory of those failed pregnancies comes back to me, perhaps even more poignant now because in seeing our daughter, we know exactly what we have lost.

      This will be a very long post, sharing not only the physical aspects of those losses but also the emotional.

      First Pregnancy, April 2002

      We had tried for more than three years to get pregnant, with each passing month more painful than the last. Tests on each of us showed no problem, so we continued to try but with failing hope. The surprise of a pregnancy made all of those 39 long, dim months of waiting seem like nothing... we finally had what we had been praying for! I had taken the test in the afternoon, and the reality of it had not even set in before I started bleeding. HCG tests showed very low numbers. The words, "a non-viable pregnancy," spoken to me over the phone by a nurse, crushed any remnant of hope which I had. I learned again that no matter how badly you wish for something not to happen, even if you say a prayer on every single breath, it can still happen. I can't pinpoint the actual moment of miscarriage... it seemed more like a long and more painful period lasting about a week, followed by extended spotting. Our baby was so small that it was not identifiable. To so many who have never experienced miscarriage, they might think that all you lose are the days or weeks that you were pregnant. They are wrong... you lose the entire lifetime you have imagined with that child. I believe that each baby conceived is a unique and unrepeatable individual, and that no matter how early it is lost in the pregnancy, a person that would-have-been is now gone forever.

      Aside from the elation at seeing the initial positive test and the joy of telling our families that we had finally conceived, there was little happiness during that brief and fleeting pregnancy. We'd had only a few hours of untainted joy before the spotting began, and the rest of that time was spent worrying and crying and dreading to check the toilet tissue when I wiped, for fear of more blood. The weight of our years of trying to conceive came back, and I dreaded another long wait to get a second chance. I mourned my baby, and although I had known of it for only a week, it was as if a lifetime had passed. And indeed, an entire life that would-have-been was lost. Our future was gone, and my hope failed.

      Second Pregnancy, March-May 2003

      Eleven months later, I became pregnant again. The day before I took the test, my husband had told me that he had given up, and that our first pregnancy must have been our only chance. He told me that he thought he could live without a child, but could I? I sat in the floor and listened to this, the most negative thing I had ever had him say, and it all seemed so surreal. It didn't affect me... I didn't cry or argue or get angry to hear these words. I just accepted it and knew it could be true... we might never have a child. The next night, after feeling strange all day, I took a test, and it was a very strong positive. I woke my husband to tell him, and we stayed up talking about our fears for this pregnancy long into the night. I tried to convince myself not to love the baby, because I might just lose it. What an impossibility! How could I not love this life within me? I could feel it changing me... I "felt" pregnant for the first time. I thanked God each time I felt sick, and although I was afraid of losing it (terrified), I also began to dare think that it could possibly last this time. It all felt so REAL and normal. But the memory of my first miscarriage would not let me dare to let go of fear, and although I was joyful, my heart was sick with the thought that I might lose this one as well. Elation and fear played a duel within me, and slowly happiness won over the worry.

      My very happiest (and worst) day was one I experienced in May of 2003. I was almost 10 weeks pregnant, and my husband had brought me to the doctor for my second checkup. Everything in the exam seemed wonderful, and after hearing of my fears, the doctor decided to reassure me that all was well by scheduling an ultrasound later in the day. We would get to see the heartbeat, and our fears would be somewhat relieved. The time between that appointment and the time of the ultrasound (about 2 hours) was the gladdest and best time of my life. The thought of seeing our baby made both of us elated. We ate lunch, went shopping for plants, and laughed and talked about our future. For the first time in years, I didn't wince when I saw a big pregnant belly on a passerby, I beamed because soon that would be ME. I can actually pinpoint the best moment I had ever had up until that point... we were at Lowe's, looking at perennial plants, and my husband was across the aisle. I could just barely see his face through the pots and foliage. The time to see our baby on the ultrasound was drawing very near...soon we would drive back to the clinic. William looked across the aisle at me, smiled his biggest smile, and asked, "Are you ready to go, momma?" It was the first time he had said that, and it all seemed so right and so true. I was a momma, a real momma who was about to see her baby for the first time. Its heart would be beating, and it would live. Everything would be okay, and our baby would be born, and I would love him or her so so much.

      That was my best moment. And little did I know that about 15 minutes later, I would be having the worst moment of my life... but instead of being brief and fleeting, it would seem like forever. When the ultrasound technician couldn't find anything with the first tool, I was concerned, but still my excitement and gladness was alive. She had to use the transvaginal ultrasound, and said that sometimes it is just hard to see on the regular one. And as I watched the screen, and the look of concern in the technician's eyes as she still searched for a heartbeat, it began to dawn on me that it had happened again. Just when I had allowed myself to be completely happy, it had happened again! I looked at William, sitting in the shadows to the side, and he looked back at me. There was none of the beaming and smiling and laughter in his eyes... just worry. The nurse finally exhaled when she saw something on the screen, but when she asked me if I was maybe not as far along as I had thought I was, I knew it was true. My baby was dead... it had simply stopped growing. Where there should have been a very visible baby on the screen, there was just a tiny shape with no movement. I writhed on the table... I was inconsolable. I screamed, I wailed, I couldn't stand to deal with this again. William had not cried tears at his mother's funeral a few years before, and he didn't cry now, but his face looked just as pained and aguished as it had that day. He had wanted this so much, too. My hands flew to my belly, which just minutes before I had believed held a living baby. How can your happiest moment be followed so closely by your worst?

      I had to give blood for a beta HCG count to confirm that the pregnancy had failed, and it was many minutes before I could manage to walk to the lab. The nurse was kind and considerate, and tried to reassure me that all would be well at first. But when she saw that I knew it was over, she squatted down and took my hand and told me that she had lost a baby, too, and knew how I felt. Tears shined in her eyes. She escorted me out through the back exit, so I wouldn't have to see the pregnant women in the waiting room. I rode home stricken, shocked, and quiet. There were no more tears. I was numb now, and berated myself for ever having hoped. I hated my body for failing me again... I felt broken and empty. I found myself still putting my hands on my stomach, which had already begun to round out. How could my baby have just died? I'd done everything right... everything. How could this happen to us again? I just sat and stared out the window and grieved quietly. My husband, clinging to some hope, tried to find a way that it might not be true, but his logic failed and I could tell he knew he was just offering empty reassurances.

      I miscarried several days later. The doctor had asked if I would prefer to miscarry naturally, and I said that I did. I wanted to do it on my own, to at least do that much, and when it finally started, I felt relieved. The HCG tests had shown rapidly dropping numbers, so there was no longer any hope about miscalculated dates. It was going to be over soon, if I could just get through that night. I had felt small cramps throughout the day, and in late evening I had felt a gush of warm clear fluid, so I knew it would be happening soon. I didn't even wake my husband, but instead snuck in and out of bed to go to the bathroom. I had actual contractions, which went on for hours with brief intervals during which I could rest, but I welcomed the pain. Somehow I didn't cry, not even once, but was instead very stoic and solemn and silent. I have reflected back on this miscarriage since giving birth to our daughter, and realize now that the pains I felt then were very much like the contractions I had while delivering her without pain medications, but far briefer and less intense. I passed a moderate amount of blood and some clots, but I never saw my baby... I didn't really look. If I could take anything back, it would be that. I should have looked. I used to reassure myself that the baby probably wouldn't have been identifiable, because it stopped growing, so maybe there was nothing to see. But since then I have read of others' experiences and I think I would have seen the sac and the too-small baby within. I feel as if I have betrayed my child by not looking. I regret that so deeply...

      I thought I would feel better the next day, since it was finally all over, but I felt even more empty and alone. The physical pain had ended, but the grief had become more intense. I kept putting my hands over my now-empty belly, and the grief wouls leave me crumpled on the floor. This time, I found support on the internet, in pregnancy loss forums. I don't know how I would have managed without those wonderful ladies. My close family and husband were very supportive, but I needed to talk with others who had endured the same loss. It was made more difficult because we had not even told some of our friends about the pregnancy. I don't know why we waited... and how I wish we hadn't! I had to face these people and smile and appear normal, while inside I was waiting for them to notice and ask, "What is wrong with you?" But no one asked. And most of those who did know, and had been so excited about our pregnancy that seemed to be going so well, would scarcely meet my gaze. The loss felt so unacknowledged, too taboo to be mentioned. I began to hate my body, which could not even perform this one function which others seemed to do almost effortlessly.

      Ectopic Pregnancy, October 2003

      To do something to feel back in control of this, I had a few tests and it was discovered that my progesterone levels were abnormal. It was something I could cling to, a glimmer of hope. It was something I could do... something tangible and real. I began taking oral supplements, and a few months after the miscarriage, we began trying again. To our utter amazement, we conceived the first month. But the positive test was received with trepidation, because I was already bleeding. This time, I did not allow myself to hope for a good outcome, and after many blood tests which showed slowly rising HCG levels, I suspected that the pregnancy was in my tube. An ultrasound confirmed this, and I was not surprised or shocked. I had expected something bad, and this was actually what I felt might be wrong. I had been almost expecting the pregnancy to be ectopic, and I accepted the diagnosis without complaint or hestitation.

      In that ultrasound room, I lay on the table and watched the screen intently. I was very clinical, very detached. I had already mourned this baby, from the moment I had seen the positive test. There was no screaming, no writhing like before. Just a slow and steady fall of silent tears that rolled down my cheeks and left smears on my glasses. I asked many questions as we waited for the doctor, queries about treatments for ectopic pregnancies, causes, and how uncommon it is. The technician tried his best to answer our questions, and I was glad to see he met my gaze steadily and openly. That simple gesture made me feel better, and I prepared myself for possible surgery. The doctor, who had been my physician through the entire ordeal from infertility testing to miscarriages, confirmed that the baby was in my right tube, and it had already succumbed. There was no heartbeat, although one might have been visible at 6 weeks 4 days when using transvaginal ultrasound. I was relieved that I did not have to endure seeing a fluttering heart, only to have to remove it from my body. I got a more clear look at the embryo than I did during my miscarriage before, and I felt so hollow and empty knowing that my body housed yet another dead baby. Why was I so broken?

      I was prepared for laparoscopic surgery which would take place in an hour or so, and that entire time seemed so surreal. I had never had surgery of any kind, and I was both curious about how it would feel and fearful that it would go wrong. My husband seemed terrified for me. He had also never been in surgery, and I think that seeing me with an IV and lying so helpless on a narrow hospital bed upset and frightened him. The nurses were very reassuring, and took the time to tell me that they were sorry for the loss of my baby. One recounted that she had also had an ectopic pregnancy, and understood my fear. She cried as she told me, and smiled as she mentioned that she went on to have a daughter a year later. Their kindness meant so much to me... here were strangers who were more open and sympathetic than many of my own family and friends had been during our previous losses. I was given a sedative, but it made me jumpy instead of calming me. I couldn't hold still... I wriggled and squirmed and tapped my feet against the bedcovers. I had moments of mellow calm interspersed with periods of anxiety and fidgety irritation. I was impatient for it to be over, but I had eaten earlier in the day and my stomach had to settle. That period of waiting was very difficult, and I could see it was wearing on my husband who seemed so fearful for me.

      I did take the advice of the nurses right before being put under the anesthetic, and that was to think of something pleasant. In my case, I recalled the memory of a great afternoon William and I had birdwatching a few years ago. We had driven down a very narrow dirt road in a wildlife refuge in the autumn, and the edge of the road was hemmed in with trees on both sides to make a canopy above us, with just glimpses of the clearest sky. The autumn leaves were falling and swirling all about the car, narrow leaves of the brightest yellow, and on the car stereo was playing a song from The Lord of the Rings books, sung beautifully by a choir. It was very elvish and melancholy, and made me think of Lothlorien, a place described in the story as being hauntingly beautiful, restful, and calming with its golden trees. We drove the length of that tiny road listening to the song, and even though there was just a gravel turnaround at the end, it was well worth the drive and we were both completely at peace. It is one of my nicest memories, something which could never be recreated even if we went at the same day of the year and played the same song. We didn't know where that wee road led, and what might lie at the end... and when it just ended, with no destination, we weren't sorry at all. I remember that now as a life lesson... a thought that comforts me as I travel down any new road.

      My surgery over, and a success because they saved my right tube, we came home. The doctor said that the baby's remains were not substantial enough to be identifiable, so yet again, I had nothing tangible to bury or mourn, The physical pains and recovery from the surgery helped to dull my emotions, and at the time I was very glad of that. I had trouble comprehending that terrible number, "three." It is a small number, but seemed so huge. Three babies lost, gone, never to grow. Three individuals with their own ways which I would not learn in this life. Three, the number of children my parents had, enough to make a busy, happy household. The number of siblings which my husband has, each their own unique person. I will have to wait to meet them, I suppose. I never even got to see their heartbeats... I just knew they were there, although for so brief a time that most people seem to have already forgotten them. Most don't realize that they were here long enough to change my life forever... my first three children who have affected me as much each day in their deaths as they would have had they been born.

      Current Day

      We finally have our long-awaited child, after seven painful years of frustration and loss. If you don't think that we were nervous during that pregnancy, you would be wrong! Each moment was counted as a blessing... each day, a milestone. We saw a pulsing heartbeat on that ultrasound at last, instead of stillness. And she finally arrived, safe and alive. Those were my first words when Gail was born: "She is really alive!" I could scarcely believe that she was real, and yet each morning upon awakening, there she was.

      Having lost three babies (and after enduring so many years of infertility), we have such an appreciation for each day we spend with Gail. She brings unfathomable joy. And yet, when I look at her, I do wonder about her siblings, and what they might have been. So, although I am so wonderfully happy to be a momma at last, I do still miss those others. They paved Gail's way with love and tears, and we will never be the same.

      I don't know that anyone has actually read this far... but if you have, thank you. It felt good to share this amongst those who understand.

      My prayers are with all of those who are struggling through loss... many hugs to you all!

      #75; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:01:00 GMT
    • I'm only 3 or 4 wks, but 5 HPT said I was pregnant. I've had spotting since Monday - a week ago, but yesterday I started to get period-like cramps and a couple hours after I started to have period-like bleeding. In the middle of the night some clots passed into the toilet - I didn't flush because I was hoping the blod might dissipate and show whether there was tissue. My midwife said I would know if I had miscarried - but I don't. I looked at the clot after and some dissipated - it looked like it could be tissue but I wasn't sure. Before I could go look again in a couple hours someone had flushed it by accident. I've continued to have cramps and period-like bleeding all morning and afternoon today. Is it possible my baby could still be alive after all this? I have prayed and tried to relax, but I can't get any sense of it. My heart is telling me that the baby is still alive, but could that just be my wishes? My brain is telling me that that clot was probably the baby. What do you think? It's Sunday so I can't go see anyone till tomorrow unless I go to the ER.
      #76; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:04:00 GMT
    • *hugs* Karen, I hope you get some answers soon.

      I miscarried a week ago yesterday. It started a few days earlier with spotting. Like red streaked cervical mucous. I thought it was just because we'd had intercourse, broken blood vessels near the cervix type of thing. I was feeling great. With my other 2 m/c's, I had had a feeling of "impending doom" for days or weeks before, so I figured since I didn't, nothing was wrong.

      I emailed my mw just in case, saying I wasn't worried, I'd keep her posted. By Monday night, I was bleeding. It didnt' go away by morning. So I called my mw and she said she thought it sounded like a miscarriage. I cried, and was bummed out. Then the bleeding stopped. I still felt great physically through all this. Called the mw, and she agreed to meet me at my brother's house to check for a HB. DH was away on business. MW was unable to find a heart beat. She looked for a really long time. I was 15 weeks along, and she said even my heart beat was too faint for how much blood flow should be in that area. She could not feel my uterus, but 3 weeks earlier she had both felt my uterus, and had found a strong heart beat at 170 bpm. My son, age six was there and refused to believe her. He said the baby hated that heart beat thing and was just hiding. I cried. I called DH who arranged to leave work & fly home.

      That night cramping started, in the morning I stayed in bed. I had a huge gush, and I thought it was blood (when I miscarried at 12 weeks before, it was all a huge gush of blood & clots, all at once.) I ran to the bathroom, and the pad was soaked with water. I sat on the toilet and passed a lot of stuff. DH came in and held my hand. I looked down and there was something stuck to me, hanging. It was gray. I thought it was the placenta or something. I tried to bounce a little to get it to come off, but it wouldn't. I took some tissue to scrape it off, and realized it was my baby. No sac., just my poor baby's face there looking up at me. It was so upsetting, I told DH, and he looked and we cried together. Then he had to go check on the kids.

      While he was gone, I got so dizzy & faint. Nauseated. I needed to lie down, but it still wouldn't come off me, so I couldn't get off the toilet. I was yelling and yelling for DH to come get it off me, because I needed to lie down or I would faint. I was going to black out, the room was spinning. He didn't hear me and it took what seemed like forever for him to come. He helped to get it off, and I vomited in the garbage. I went to bed, and he took care of it all. I couldn't look in the toilet. I will never forget seeing the baby hanging there, gray & still. It was not as big as it should have been for 15 weeks, it was slightly bigger than the 12 week fetal model my mw had shown me at my last check up. My mw had told me it would probably give good closure to see the fetus. I feel though that it upset me. I never saw anything with the other two babies I lost, besides blood & clots.

      I went to bed, and DH went back downstairs to check on the kids. My daughter curled up in bed with me. My hands went completely numb & my fingers were curling up. I told her to run for daddy & he came in and elevated my legs and 10 minutes later I was fine. I described this to my MW and she says it was shock.

      I bled for 1 day and started spotting, then nothing. Then I started having gushes of blood when I'd sit or lay down. After a day of this, I went to the ER. The ultrasound found a 5 cm blood clot, I was still dilated to 1cm, but it was unable to pass, and was blocking the blood flow as well as irritating the uterine lining. When I'd lay or sit down, the clot would slide over and all the pooled up blood would come out. They did a vaginal ultrasound, a pelvic exam, and a bimanual exam. They prescribed methagine and consecutive tests for blood counts. IF they don't drop significantly by tomorrows blood test, I will have to schedule a D&C. However, with the methagine, I have had 3 instances since where I have passed huge blood clots. One was very thick & heavy, and made aloud plop into the toilet. I feel like, and hope its resolving on its own. I want to move on with my life & enjoy my children, enjoy the autumn and the holidays. I have no idea whether we will try again. I don't think I can do this a fourth time.

      #77; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:05:00 GMT
    • My very recent experience. There was a pop and rlease of the flid of the amniotic sac. Then a huge amonth of tissue. Following more and more tissue ans my cervix dialated. Over 10 hours I passed a pint of bloody clots and tissue. The remaining placenta hand to be removed from the cervix. It was shriveled and folded in half. Evidence that baby had been dead a while. I drew a few scetches for remeberance, checkd ou the vbery thin embilicus to see there wws no embry still attached and went home to cry.
      #78; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:06:00 GMT
    • i was at 16 weeks and it will be one month tomorrow since we had the miscarriage. i guess this is therapeutic, but just reading everyone's stories and writing my own is still very tough. it's funny, but most of the time i feel okay and then i come upon a thread like this and it gets tough.

      anyway, here's our experience. i had a placental abruption and the saddest part was that our little boy was fine until the end, my body was having a problem. it started with some spotting that just got heavier and heavier. when we went to the perinatal center and they did an ultrasound, they said that it was just up to my body whether it would heal the abruption or if it would miscarry.

      we hoped until the very end that things would turn out okay, but i think we both knew that i was bleeding so much by the time we got to the hospital the baby would not survive. i was admitted on a saturday afternoon and delivered the baby on sunday morning. it was by far the saddest and most tragic thing i have ever gone through and just writing about it is very difficult. we both got to hold the baby. i didn't have a d and c - i delivered both the baby and the placenta.

      i bled a lot that first week and now i have a little spotting.

      i just want to say thanks for being a part of this forum. i am not sure how to say this but i will just speak from the heart. i don't think it matters whether you were 7 weeks or 7 months. if you wanted that baby then you have carried it in your heart as much as your body and you have the right to feel whatever is inside you. thanks again for letting me share my story.

      #79; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:07:00 GMT
    • I miscarried a little more than a year ago and this thread sure helped me through it. I always planned on sharing my experience here and am just getting to it.

      At 12 weeks, we discovered that I had a blighted ovum. I was spotting slightly, had an u/s and found out that there was no baby. My midwife told me to expect a bad period, gave me a prescription of vicodin and sent me on my way.

      I remember going through the next week expecting something to happen at any minute, but it didn't. I didn't go far from home, and totally felt like a woman scorned. I was technically still pregnant- had the hormones, swollen tummy, etc, but knew it was for nothing. It was exactly one week later that I started with the cramps. I knew that was it. Fortunately it was bedtime for the kids, so I called my friend and locked myself in the bathroom. I needed to talk to her and know that if I had to go to the hospital, she could come while the kids slept.

      Very soon I started gushing blood. It was unbelievable how much blood came out of me. It hurt every bit as bad at labor. I literally couldn't get up off of the toilet- there was no way a pad would hold it. My husband got me a bunch of tabloid magazines (a guilty pleasure that certainly kept my mind off of what was going on). I was up all night bleeding profusely with lots of big clots. Bad period- whatever!

      Anyhow, there was a point that it let up a bit. I put on an overnight pad, crawled into bed with a towel under me and slept for a bit- maybe 2 hours. The next day I continued to bleed, but mabye not quite as bad and the contractions- that is what they were- let up a bit too. By afternoon the next day I felt a different sensation coming out of me. I went to the bathroom and a thing plopped into the toilet. It was the placenta. I examined it and didn't see much of anything in it- just placental tissue. It was like a small short fat banana. Once that was out, it was pretty much over. Very similar to giving birth.

      The entire next week I could barely function- I was so weak from the blood loss and had a very bad migraine. I went to a follow up appoinment with the midwife that was so upsetting. She was so cold and callous about it and didn't even realize that I had two kids- she said that wasn't in her records. I felt like a lump of meat with this lady. She didn't even take my iron levels or anything- just sent me out the door. I was in no position to stand up for myself. The truth is, with the amount of blood I lost, I probably should have gone to the hospital. I'm glad that I didn't and lived to tell about it, but it cold have very easily been an even worse situation.

      I know it's not logical, but this woman really left me feeling bad about midwives. I had a great one with the birth of my second son, and I know there are amazing midwives out there, but I will certainly be more open minded and selective about my care providers in the future. I feel like I had very little to choose from and by insisting on a midwife, I really limited the quality of my care.

      #80; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:08:00 GMT
    • Exactly 1 month ago, I lost my first pregnancy. All the descriptions in the pregnancy books said that a miscarriage would be like a very heavy period. That does not even begin to describe it for a woman who's never had a miscarriage or been pregnant before.

      I was about 7 weeks pregnant and hadn't seen an ob/gyn yet. I'd just changed insurance companies and had just made my 10wk. So I had a name, but had never met the doctor.

      Late one evening I began spotting light brown blood. I looked though the books I'd gotten from the library and they all said that if there were no pain, not to freak out, but wait until morning and call your Dr.

      I woke up VERY exhausted, like I often do when I get my period. I even slept in an extra 2 hours just to try to get my energy up. I was still spotting, but not much. Of course I was panicked. So I tried to relax, but called the Dr.'s office anyway to see what they thought.

      I got an appt. right away and drove of to find this office I'd never been to. I ended up being 10 minutes late because I couldn't find the right building and once I got there, the NP who saw me lectured me for 6 minutes on how me being late was ruining the good reputation the office had for keeping appointments on time. Meanwhile I'm in the middle of a panic attack because I'm pregnant and bleeding! So after being reprimanded by this woman, she gives me a very painful and near-violent pelvic exam and says that my cervix looks fine but she wants and ultra-sound. So in her office, I started crying because she's so horrible and I'm so scared and I felt as if no one cared about what happening to me.

      So then I went to the ultra-sound and the tech showed me that the heartbeat was strong, and I got to see the baby. It was tiny, but definitely a baby.

      So after that I was told to go wait in the waiting room to see if the horrible NP had anything to say. She didn't, but a nurse in the office promised me that I wouldn't have to see her again. So I was sent home with NO INFORMATION about miscarriages or what to do next.

      Later that evening the bleeding increased but still with no pain. I called the office and an OB called back saying not to worry too much since the exam and ultra-sound were good.

      A few hours later, I started having cramps. At first, they were subtle and achy, not quite period-level cramps. Then a few hours later, they became worse and I called the office again. Getting a different on-call doctor who said I was having a miscarriage but there was nothing that could be done for me. She said that I had to stay home unless I was hemorraging. The pain then escalated, becoming sever and making me vomit. After the vomiting started, I started going into convulsions, where I couldn't control the shaking of my arms and legs and it was difficult to walk, though I still wasn't bleeding much.

      I called the office again to ask for help to ask if there was anything I could do for the horrible pain etc. and the doctor only said "No. Try to get some sleep."

      I was hysterical at that point and convinced I was going to die beause I started blacking out. At one point, I passed a piece of tissue that was small and spongy and light pink. I have no idea what part it was.

      Once I started alternating between screaming and blacking out, my husband took me to the ER (even though I wasn't bleeding much). Unfortunately, the pain meds and anti-nausea meds they gave me didn't do a thing and I was having horrible contractions. But they did give me an IV for fluids because I'd vomited so much. The very kind attending ER doc did an exam and found that my cervix was only open a tiny bit and there was some tissue just appearing behind it. So I waited and had another ultrasound to see if I needed to have a D&C. I was convulsing so much I felt really bad for the ultra-sound tech since it was hard for her to do it with me shaking so badly.

      They determined that I didn't 'need' a D&C, whatever that means, though they never offered me the option of having one. The resident assigned to me came in and did another exam (several hours later) and found that my cervix was opened further, but that the tissue was stuck mid-way, which was why I was in so much pain. So he went in and removed it, which almost instantly ended the bone-crushing, mind-shattering pain. Though through the whole 'removal', I wept because I knew he was removing the last remnants of my pregnancy. Luckily, my husband was by my side, holding my hand and looking into my eyes the whole time, so it seemed to be over quickly. Then, not long after, I passed a quick gush of blood (maybe 4-6 ounces, so not that much I guess) and felt even better.

      After that, I was able to rest a bit while we waited for the pathology. It came back as being around 5 weeks, so it had ended 2 weeks earlier. I then had a shot of rogam (sp?) because my blood-type is O-, and was given a potassium drink because my potassium had dropped so much from vomiting all night. We then went home after being in the ER for about 7 hours.

      I was furious that the on-call OB just kept telling me to 'relax' and stay home. If I hadn't gone to the ER, it was unlikely that I would have passed the tissue mass without intervention, which could have led to infection etc. My follow up with an OB at the same office was just as disappointing.

      I bled for just over two weeks after that and cramping was done after a few days. It took nearly the whole month for my hcg to get back to zero. It was a physically horrible ordeal, and I wish I'd had some information beforehand, however morose that may seem.

      #81; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:09:00 GMT
    • Let me just start out by saying that I am soooo glad this thread is here.

      We had our 8wk OB appt on 9/21. We had an embryo with a heartbeat but the u/s measured us at ~6wks when we should have been ~8wk6d. At first, my doc said she wanted to do a follow-up u/s in 2 weeks but then she came back in and suggested we check my progesterone, which I agreed to, and do an u/s in a week. I had the blood work done and all that fun stuff.

      I saw my acupuncturist on 9/26 and the treatment she did on my did not strengthen my pulses like she wanted and I had a pretty good feeling that all was not well.

      I had my follow-up u/s on 9/28. The yolk sac was still there but the embryo had completely disintegrated. I am now in what I have termed "pregnancy purgatory". I'm not pregnant but I'm not not pregnant so I'm in limbo, waiting for a miscarriage. I decided to give it a week but I don't know if I want the intervention if it doesn't happen this week. I have had absolutely no spotting or cramping and I have no idea how long it will take before anything happens for me. I hate the waiting.

      That being said, I really appreciate everyone sharing their experiences. It has given me a lot of support over the weekend while my FIL was here, who is 79 and not real savvy on female issues. My dh was going to tell him but the opportunity never really came up so this thread was the only thing that kept me from feeling completely emotionally stifled. Reading everyone's experiences has helped give me some idea of what to expect. You are all very strong women. Thank you!

      #82; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:10:00 GMT
    • Well, I still can not believe I am actually writing this out. My dh and I were very happily expecting our second child. Everything was going along just fine. I had the normal vomiting and nausea that came along with my pg last time. On last Saturday, I woke up not feeling pregnant anymore. It is a very difficult thing to describe. I felt very in tune with my body and felt like I had the flu, but was not actually experiencing pregnancy symptoms. My dh took care of me and our 18 month old daughter so I could rest and on Sunday I began have pain on my left side and vomiting a lot-very violently. Monday, I was fine and looking forward to our OB appt to have our first u/s on Tues. We went in and had the pap, did the pee test, everything was great and then our OB could not find a heartbeat on the baby. I was 9 weeks 6 days along. I knew immediately. As soon as she did the u/s I knew. I just had a sinking feeling in my stomach. But, because I had had absolutely no bleeding or cramping, no spotting, nothing-I was holding out hope and trying to think positively. We went back on Weds for the confirming u/s and decided to have the D*&C on today. It is the most difficult and heart-wrenching thing I have experienced as a parent. I believe the death of a child is something that you never forget. I feel like a part of me has died inside. I am walking around feeling like an empty shell. I know I have to continue=I am still nursing my toddler and hope that did not cause the miscarriage, and getting support from here is helpful. I just am so astonished and at a loss because of not having any bleeding. I am sorry so many of us have had to experience this deep and profound pain....wishing you all the best.

      Sylvia

      #83; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:12:00 GMT
    • I had a rather uneventful miscarriage. It's hard to find stories of this happening, so I wanted to be sure to share mine. I'm not sure if it's not shared because there isn't much to tell, if women don't wait long enough for this to happen without medical intervention, or if it is just very rare for the body to do this. :dizzy:

      I had my first OB appointment at 12 weeks. We did not find a heartbeat, and my OB doubted I had my dates right (I was sure) and wanted to schedule an ultrasound. I went in for my ultrasound that following Tuesday and I would have been 12w6d. We found only a gestational sac measuring 9w6d. It was starting to break down.

      I was sent home and given the option of D&C or waiting. I was willing to wait as long as it takes. And, thankfully, my OB was okay with that.

      The next day I started spotting. It was very light, brownish discharge that was never heavy enough to require a pantyliner. (I also want to note that I had similar discharge when I was 6-7 weeks pregnant. I now think this is when I lost the tiny baby.) The spotting continued for 2 weeks and then stopped. I had mild, intermittent cramps throughout those 2 weeks and twinges in my cervix as if it were dilating. But, the bleeding I was expecting never came.

      My OB tested my HCG levels and they were already down to 448. I would have been 15 weeks pregnant by then. We tested again two weeks after that and my levels were down to 131. At that point, I was confident that my body was breaking down and reabsorbing the sac. My OB thought this was the case as well. I decided to monitor my body's progress with HPTs from that point. It took another 3 weeks and I finally got a BFN. I would have been 20w4d pregnant when my hcg levels finally dropped below 20.

      Throughout the process, I also charted my basal temperature. It started out at post-ovulation/pregnancy levels and gradually stair-stepped down to pre-ovulation levels as my hcg levels dropped. I am now waiting to either ovulate or for AF to arrive. I'll update this post later with the results.

      #84; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:13:00 GMT
    • On Sunday, September 30th, I was exactly 18 weeks along, and I started having some brown spotting in my panties. I was a little worried, but tried to stay positive about the situation and went about my normal duties.

      Monday the spotting kept up and I got more worried, but was still not expecting a mc because we had heard the heartbeat at 12 weeks.

      Tuesday spotting turned red, and I had to start wearing a pantyliner. Was pretty scared, so I called the MW. We got a lunchtime appointment, and no heartbeat. My uterus was "squishy" according to the MW, and so she sent me for an ultrasound. Ultrasound tech was great, very compassionate and said baby was about 14 weeks, and had been gone for at least a week. So we went home to wait.

      Wednesday, I started having contractions, off and on all day. Took a nap, my mom took off work to come help with the other kids. That evening, the contractions got really intense, and I had the feeling that the baby would come soon. Went and laid in bed (in pain/contractions about every 5 minutes) for about 2 hours. Angelino, our 5th child, was born at 9pm. Placenta came about 30-45 minutes later. I was on the phone with the mw for most of that time, and she was great. She told me to call again if my bleeding didn't taper off, and after soaking 2 heavy/overnighter pads, it slowed down a lot, and I went to bed.

      Thursday my mom watched the kids all day, and I took lots of pain meds. I was still crampy and bleeding, but not as bad as last night.

      Friday we had the funeral and burial. It was so helpful emotionally to bury my baby. It helped me accept that he was gone and the emotional support from friends and family was awesome. Bleeding was like a light peroid.

      Saturday was pretty normal. Mom took the kids most of the day and let me clean up my house, do some laundry, and rest in between (instead of taking care of kids in between.) Bleeding was almost gone, I was down to pantyliners.

      Sunday, there was no bleeding all day. In the evening, I got really crampy again, and gushed in the toilet followed by a big plop. I bled pretty heavily for the next few hours, I stayed up late to make sure it wasn't too much.

      15th, 12 days after the birth.)

      Emotionally, I'm doing pretty good. I miss my baby a lot, and think about him kicking and stuff right now. We are blessed with 4 living children, and hopefully will have more kids in the future. We are NFPing to avoid right now, for financial reasons, as well as me wanting to wait a cycle or two to make sure it's all done.

      Physcially, I'm pretty normal. It was more like a birth than I thought it would be, but the recovery was very different. Eaiser, yes, but sadder, with the cramps & such with no baby.

      #85; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:14:00 GMT
    • First, I want to express my gratitude for everyone who posted on this thread. Sharing the details of your painful experience helped prepare me for my miscarriage. Usually, everyone is so squeamish to tell you what to really expect, but I found myself craving information.

      I went to my 12 week appt with my midwife really hoping to hear the heartbeat. For some reason, a few days before the appointment I started feeling anxiety about this baby and wanted to hear that beating heart to reassure myself that all was well. The midwife tried every possible position but could get it on the doppler. Still not entirely reason for alarm since it was still early. My 2 year old DD stood at my head and whispered "it's okay, don't be scared, it's okay" into my ear and kissed my forehead several times. Even though I tried to stay positive, it just sounded so empty in my utuerus, and I was starting to really get scared.

      We scheduled another appointment for 13 weeks to try again, and I went home to try and stay positive. One morning after my morning walk, I found red-streaked mucus on my toilet paper. My midwife told me to rest, take it easy. The next night - I had more spotting but it had small clots. My heart sank and I immediately called my midwife. She confirmed that it didn't look good.

      Then nothing all night, and nothing the next day. I tried to stay positive. That evening - the spotting increased and didn't go away. by the next morning I was experiencing bleeding - like a light period. I started to make preparations - have my husband stay home from work, line up people to help take care of DD, stock up on groceries, clean the house, etc. In retrospect, it was a lot like nesting in late pregnancy - that urgent need to make everything ready for a birth. I cried off and on all day, came and read this thread, and got back to work.

      Cramping started at 4:45 a.m. on Thursday morning. I was co-sleeping with DD. She woke up at 6:00 a.m. and snuggled close to me - held my face in her hands and kept saying "don't be sad, stay here with me". We hadn't told her anything about the baby. Our friend came over at about 8 a.m. to entertain her so that DH and I could focus on getting through the miscarriage. It was exactly like birth - intense contractions that didn't have much of a break between them. At their worst, at about 9:30 in the morning, I felt a POP and a sudden release of pressure, and started bleeding. I would get up routinely and let blood and clots fall into the toilet. I had originally planned to try and save the baby from being flushed down the toilet - but in the moment it was impossible to seperate what was blood, clots and what was baby.

      I had hoped to handle this completely at home - considered it to be a sort of homebirth for a baby who decided to come really early. But I began to hemmorhage badly and my blood pressure dropped. I passed out for a significant period of time - when I came to I told my DH to call 911 as I knew I wouldn't make it down the three flights of stairs to the ground floor of our apartment building. Firemen were there within a minute, and the ambulance wasn't far behind. They got me downstairs and into the ambulance but weren't able to start an IV line as my veins were so dilated. The ER was brutal - their attempts to get blood for testing left me with holes and bruises all over - they even went into an artery at one point which was intensely painful. I was left on that gurney for 6 hours - my back and hips were screaming and most of the time I was in a pool of blood. I wasn't given pain killers as they were worried about another dangerous drop in blood pressure. They did ultrasounds to rule out etopic pregnancy. The OB was infuriating - you could tell he was in a state of anger over the fact that I wasn't in the care of an OB prenatally, and that I was "stupid enough" to try and handle a natural miscarriage at home. He came to tell me I had lost the baby (DUH! - I told you that when I entered the ER!) and to reassure me that (1) there was nothing I could have done to prevent this miscarriage and (2) there was nothing I could have done to cause it unless I used a knitting needle :dropjaw:hopmad He ordered two cytotec for me and informed me that I wouldn't be eating or drinking all day until he could rule out the need for a D&C at around 6 p.m. that night.

      I got transferred to a room at around 5 p.m. I was made much more comfortable by the nurses and was allowed pain meds, and they kept me CLEAN. The OB didn't come back until just before 9 p.m. which also meant that all the places in the hospital that served food were either already closed or about to close. DH sprinted downstairs to get sandwiches for me from the last shop open and got there just in time. I wasn't about to let that OB perform surgery on me - he made several comments like "you didn't take enough folic acid and that could have had an affect on this pregnancy" and "with all the issues you have going on, you really need to see an OB." first he tells me in the ER that I didn't do anything to cause this - then I didn't take enough folic acid? Or if I had been seeing an OB things might have turned out differently? What issues? In every single questionaire I filled out, the answer to any medical issue was "NO". I'm completely healthy and had a miscarriage. These things happen. I was so angry with him. In a way it's good for me to have someone to be angry at - I can't be angry at myself or this baby, so I'll just take it out on that jerk.

      I left the next morning after receiving the Rhogam shot. (in the ER when I told everyone I needed Rhogam - the OB asked "are you in the medical profession?" As if only someone with an MD after their name could know this!) I'm supposed to follow up with him in two weeks, but am following up with my midwife instead. that man will not lay his hands on me.

      I was really sad that I wasn't able to distinguish between what was the baby and what was the clots & tissue. In the end it all went down the toilet. But I do remember feeling a real sense of relief as I walked out of the hospital that I didn't leave my baby there. Even though my baby isn't really at home with me - it's spirit is here, where it should be, with it's family. We'll find someway to honor it's short life.

      #86; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:15:00 GMT
    • First of all I would like to say how grateful I am for this thread because as has already been mentioned a miscarriage is nothing like a heavy period and I think it is very misleading and unfair for people who are about to miscarry and people around them to think that is what it is like.

      Due to all the information saying it is like a heavy period I thought I had had my miscarriage when in fact I had not. :irked:

      In the evening of Tuesday 2/10/07 I had some red blood on TP when I wiped twice and some clear mucus, this freaked me out a little, the following morning there was some brown streaked mucus when I wiped so I decided to phone the Antenatal department of the hospital for advice, they told me to phone the EPAU (Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit) who asked me to go in for an u/s. I was 10.5 weeks pregnant. I asked my sister if she would come with me as my DH was at work. The u/s was awful; I had a trainee sonographer scanning me who was being instructed by a consultant, two nurses were in the room and my sister. I was unable to see the screen and nobody was saying anything apart from the consultant who was giving the trainee instructions, I was looking at peoples faces to try and get some idea what they were looking at. I heard the consultant mention moving away from the placenta so I thought oh it must be ok for some strange reason but then a nurse rubbed my leg and asked if I was ok, I knew then. The consultant swapped places with the trainee and asked me when I had got my BFP, I told him 13/8/07, he then told me the baby had stopped developing at 6/7 weeks. I was given the option of waiting a week and returning for another u/s to see what was happening or taking a tablet there and then to help empty the uterus, my head was spinning and I just wanted to leave the building, I wished I had not gone for the u/s, I wished I had gone to work, everything would have been o.k. then!

      I had no more spotting. On Saturday 6/10 I started to bleed, just lightly, on Tuesday 9/10 I returned for another u/s with DH, this time I was scanned by a female who was much nicer and made me feel more at ease. She said there had been no change, gave leaflets about m/c and told me to return in 2 weeks if nothing had happened and to return for another scan if I passed the sac in the meantime. My bleeding was still only light at this point but it did progress over the next few days to a heavy bleed, it was then that I passed a clot of about 3 inches long into the toilet and when I called my DH to take a look we both thought that must be it. That was Friday evening so I returned to the EPAU on Monday with my sister expecting to be told that I had had my miscarriage, but to my utter shock the whole sac was still there as large as life. I could not believe my eyes, I had passed clots and bled heavily for 3 days and it was still there, my bleeding had tapered off now to next to nothing. They told me that they would give me another week to miscarry naturally and that it sometimes happens like this and that I would know about it when it does happen. I thought what on earth do they mean I will 'know about it', I had to search the Internet to find further information so I knew more about what to expect. That was when I found this site and this thread.

      A week passed and nothing else happened so on Monday 17/10 I returned to the EPAU for another u/s to see what was happening in there, the sac was collapsing and I was given the option of waiting 1 more week at the longest or intervening with either medication to bring about the m/c or a surgical evacuation. I choose to take the medication; I was given a tablet of Mifepristone that day and told to return to the ward on Wednesday for further medication. I found the forms I had to sign very distressing, I had to sign consent forms for the cremation of remains and for taking the medication which got to me as I knew the medication is known as the abortion pill, it felt as if I was having an elective abortion.

      On Wednesday my DH and I went to the EPAU at 8am, we were given a private room and bathroom, I had to use bedpans for everything inluding used TP and sanitary towels as the nurses had to inspect them because I was to stay in until I had passed the sac and the bleeding had slowed down. The nurses were very nice, I had got to know them due to my many visits over the past few weeks, I was given 4 tablets of Misoprostol (Cytotec) in the morning and warned that they would bring about strong contractions and I could start passing clots anything from the size of a 10p coin up to the size of a palm of the hand. I did begin to get contractions and I began to bleed which was much thicker and a darker red than what I had previously been losing. 4 hours later I was given another 2 tablets of Misoprostol, as the dose I had been given in the morning had not brought about the m/c. The contractions got stronger, the bleeding got heavier and I started passing clots, I was told I could have pain killers but I did not want any, at 3 in the afternoon a nurse came and said that the ward closed at 5.30 so they could transfer me to another ward for the evening or I could go home if nothing happened before then, I said I wanted to go home to my other children. About 30 minutes later I suddenly felt very wet, when I went to the bathroom my night time sanitary towel which I had been wearing about an hour was soaked and as I sat on the toilet (which was fitted with a bedpan to collect things in) I felt something come out of me and when I wiped there were many clots. In the bedpan was a large clot that I thought looked like maybe was the placenta. I waited for the nurse to come and say it was but she didnt. Instead she came in to say that they were going to keep their eye on me for a bit longer before I could go home as I had started to bleed heavily. Next time I went to the bathroom the bleeding had slowed down a lot. The nurse came to see me and said that as the bleeding had slowed down if I still wanted to go home I could but she warned me that if the bleeding got heavy and continued that I would have to return. I was given a follow up appointment for Friday. It took us about 40 minutes to drive home, as I stood up out of the car I felt something coming out of me and was scared to move for a minute. That evening was rough, I was passing clots and changing sanitary towels every 30 mins. I even bled through one onto the sofa when I fell asleep for half an hour! We went to bed at around 11.30, I was so tired, my DH wanted to go back to the hospital but I didnt want too, looking back I really should have as I felt so dizzy and light headed and I was scared of going to sleep in case I did not wake up again. I fell to sleep and awoke early hours of the morning, the bleeding had slowed in the night, when I went to the bathroom there was a loud plop in the toilet but I was so tired that I did not look I just flushed so I do not know anything about that. I went back to sleep. I got up at 7.30 the following day to get the children off to school, I felt dizzy and light headed still, my DH asked me if I wanted him to stay home but I insisted he went to work because of the money, I went back to bed at 8am. I awoke at 10.30 and went to the toilet, the bleeding was heavy again and I was passing lots of clots, one in particular was quite large, I managed to retrieve it, it was very smelly and had what looked like disintegrating skin over it, I think that was the sack but due the smell and the way I felt I threw it into the toilet and flushed it away. I decided to get a warm drink and something to eat as I thought it might make me feel better. I sat on the sofa while I ate my toast and drank my drink, as I sat there I could feel a popping sensation in my vagina, when I stood up I had soaked through the fresh towel and my clothing onto the sofa (good job its leather). I went to the bathroom, by this time the blood was running down my legs, I phoned my DH and told him I was having a shower and if after that the bleeding was not subsiding I would go to the hospital. Luckily enough it did, very strange how it just seemed to slow down like a tap being turned down. I passed a few more small clots during the day.

      On Friday 26/10 I had a scan which confirmed that I had passed the sac and all of the other products of conception.

      I am now feeling extremely sad again, like I did when I was first told the pregnancy was no longer viable. I never realised what a traumatic experience both physically and emotionally miscarriage was, even in the early weeks.

      If that is a heavy period i feel sorry for people who have them!!

      #87; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:16:00 GMT
    • Here is my story, long I know, and I am sorry...

      On Oct. 16 I came into work and my boss was already there. She asked me to have a seat in her office then told me that she was going to have to let me go. I am not going to into any details about what happened because that would take hours, but I was of course upset because I had just found out I was rpegnant and now our income was being cut almost in half for something that wasn't even valid. I went home in tears, crying all the way home. I sat, in shock, for about 2 hours or so and then got up to use the bathroom. When I wiped there was a little tiny bit of blood and a long clear mucusy string. I didn't totally freak out because I figured that it would be normal time for a period to start so some spotting is to be expected. Well, I was chatting on-line with a friend that is also pregnant and due in January. I told her what had happened and she suggested calling the doctor, so I did. I spoke with the nurse and she said that it all sounded normal to her, but if it continued to call them right away and come in to see someone. The spotting was off and on thru the rest of the day and seemed to be gone by morning. I was so tired that I couldn't really do much of anything accept take my 3 yr old to daycare and come home and lay in bed. Then the spotting started again, so I called the nurse and scheduled to go in the next morning.

      After that u/s everything looked great, the baby had almost doubled in size from a week before! That was very exciting! They told me that because I was spotting "old blood" it was ok and normal, but if I had any "new blood" to call them and come back in.

      The spotting continued off and on for the few days and Saturday I had new blood. There was only a very small amount and there was no pain for I kind of shrugged it off. I didn't want to be paraniod. But then on Wed I was stil spotting and there was more new red blood in it was I called again. I went in on Oct. 26 and the u/s showed that the baby was doing great with a good strong HR and there was nothing to worry about. The bleeding could have been caused from my placenta being lower then my cervix. After reading about it on-line I now know that that doesn't usually happen until you are more like 30-35 weeks, not 9 weeks.

      On Sunday I was not feeling good at all, I had been having a very hard time eating most anything from mid Sept and today wasn't any different. I was in bed most of the day, still with minor spotting. At about 5:45pm I was on the toilet for the umteenth time that day and started feeling dizzy and light headed like I was going to pass out. I took all my energy and screamed for my husband and the next thing I remember he was standing over me as I laid on the floor asking if I was alright. I had blood on my nose because I face-planted right into the bath tub, which did not feel good at all! I don't suggest passing out while on the toilet! I had remembered my mother mentioning at some point in time that she passed out too when she was pregnant so I called her and asked her why it happened to her. She said that it was from a rapid drop in her BP. I had taken my BP right after I passed out and it was very low, and having high BP already, I just figured that was what it was from.

      The next morning, Oct. 29, I woke up very tired and just kind of sore. I did just take a bath tub to the face so I didn't think too much of it. I got my 3 yr old to daycare and came home and went back to bed. My cousin was coming over after work to sit with me and help out with the 3 yr old until my husband got home from work. She got there about 3:45pm and I got out of bed then. I sat on the couch and just did not feel good at all. Then I started to get a little crampy. Well, within an hour my little crampy was almost constant and my spotting was starting to get a little bit heavier. I send her to pick up the kid from daycare and while she was gone I called my husband and asked him to head home because I was having cramping and might want to go to the hospital when he got home. Well, not even 5 minutes from the time that I hung up the phone with him I called my cousin and told her to just honk when she got in the driveway and take me to the ER.

      When we got to the ER it was packed, of course. I filled out their little piece of paper at the desk and they told me to wait in the waiting room. I was in so much pain and so light headed and dizzy that I just laid on the floor in the hallway. They nurses didn't like that too much, but I didn't really care. They finally checked me in about 15 minutes later and then sent me back to the waiting room. After my husband got there, my cousin took the kid home and I really thought that we would just be like an hour or so behind her. Well, at 7pm they took in into a little room to interview me and they gave me some Morphin for the pain. At that time the blood started really flowing. I then sat in the waiting room for another few minutes and they took me back into an exam room. The nurse told me to undress and when I stood up blood just gushed all over the place. I was mortified and my husband was, well I don't really know what he was, but he sure wasn't ok with what was going on. I laid on the bed and waited for the doctor. They took me back for some u/s, which took about half an hour. The sonographer told me that I was redecorating the room with all the blood that I was leaving behind. I know that it wasn't really a time for humor, but it did help me to relax a little bit. When I got back to my room where my husband was waiting for me, I knew that I had or was losing the baby.

      The nurse came in and was preparing for the doctor to do an exam when I could feel the baby pop out. I told her that I felt it. When the doctor did the exam he placed the baby into a urine collection cup, but I didn't realize that at first. When he told me that yes in deed I was having a miscarriage and they started to clean up underneath me and throw away the bloody pad, I started to cry. All I could think was that they just threw my baby in the trash. I was horrified. But, then when the doctor left the room the nurse asked if we would like to see the baby and I had a feeling of relief. My husband of course was quick to say no and I didn't think that I would want to see it either. Now that I read thru all of these stories on here I realize that I really did want to and I should have looked at my baby.

      At about 11pm, after two more exams the doctor gave the ok to go home. When I stood up for get myself cleaned up and everything I started to feel faint. I grabbed my husband and said "OH no, I'm going down." I layed on the bed just as I passed out. The nurse came in in a panic. To make this part short, I was so dehydrated that they had to put 3 liters of fluid into me then finally feeding me I was ok to go home. It was now 5:30am. Talk about a long night.

      After I got home I passed another very large clot and continued bleeding for a couple of days. I finally felt like I had the energy to get out of the house for a while on Friday and that helped to move things around and I feel like everything has passed now. Because my hcg levels were still very high, I have to go in once a week until they are down to normal before we can start trying again, but the doctor said that physically I am fine and ready to go as soon as I am emotionally.

      I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Now, the reason for the miscarriage is still unclear, but I don't know if that will ever be clear. I do know that if my husband and I would not have been stuck in that hospital room for 6 extra hours we would not have been able to deal with this as well as we have. We talk about it all the time and I was actually able to type all of that without a tear. I know that we will have a baby when it is our time and it was so easy to get pregnant the first time, I really hope that we have the same luck next time. Only next time will be right and we will have a healthy baby to love and our 3 yr old can play with him/her.

      So, my advise to anyone that has to go thru anything like this, don't be afraid to talk about it. And don't forget that your husband is suffering too. Even though his pain is not the same as your's, he is hurting. Not just because of the loss, but because his wife is hurting. So love each other and help every experience bring you closer together.

      #88; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:17:00 GMT
    • Here's my story; Im right in the middle of it now so its very emotional to write. Frankly, I'm not quite sure if I'm even allowed to be sad about it or not.

      I've been on the pill for 14 years. I met my hubby 3 years ago, and weve been married for a year and a half. We waited a long time to have a baby because we were both not working steady jobs, and we were living far away from family. We finally moved to Montreal in July, and since we both got steady jobs right away, I got off the pill 2 months ago. I was told by friends that it would take up to a year to get pregnant after being on the pill for so long, so I wasnt worried.

      About 8 weeks ago, I started having really sore breasts, and I was noticing that they were getting larger. Being half-Asian, larger breasts are noticeable RIGHT AWAY, so I had a sneaking suspicion that I might be pregnant. A week later though, I got a short 3 day period, so I thought Oh well. Since then, I havent had a period and I had started having problems eating. Overall, I felt tired and cranky, and my breasts were really getting sore. My hubby bought 2 pregnancy tests which I took last Wednesday. They both turned out positive, and suddenly, I was petrified. Im 30 and Ive never been pregnant, so I felt somewhat at a loss. We talked about our options and how we could afford to do this. After the initial shock wore off, I was starting to be happy. I also started to be severely nauseous, not just in the morning, but every single minute of the day.

      I was happy though; being nauseous had a purpose and I was FINALLY going to have a baby after waiting for so long for the right time in my life.

      On Friday, I went to lunch with my hubby and right after eating, I noticed that my nausea disappeared completely. I had also been having mild cramps on either side of my pelvis, where I estimated my ovaries to be. It felt somewhat like period cramps, so I started to worry.

      To make all this more frustrating, I couldnt get the OB/GYN that I had been referred to, to even return my calls. The Quebec medical system is sorely lacking in the area of pregnancy and birth, and all I had been able to get was a quickie appointment with a CLSC doc who told me I didnt need a blood test to confirm the pregnancy. After arguing with a receptionist at the CLSC and then seeing a nurse, I was told to go to the hospital and tell them that I *thought* I was pregnant but that I was having pain. I told my hubby to stay home with his son because I didnt want them to have to wait for hours with me...big mistakes as it turned out.

      I was seen right away in Triage by a very nice nurse who took lots of blood and urine. After that, I was placed in a room and told to wait for the doctor to come see me. I tried to wait patiently; I knitted; I did some yoga stretching; I went to the bathroom several times. I even slept a bit. FINALLY, a very abrupt doc came in and asked me questions. I kept up the story that I wasnt sure about being pregnant (even though Id done 3 home tests), and told him I had pain in my abdomen. He did a pelvic exam, and told me my pregnant test results werent back yet. He was nice enough to ask if he could get in touch with my hubby, so I gave him his email (our house phone just happened not to have been connected on Friday as it should have been). He left and then ANOTHER hour passed while I got more and more hungry. I asked a nurse if I could eat something, but she told me that I couldnt since I was going to have an ultrasound. The doc finally came back to tell me that I was pregnant, but he didnt sound very happy about it. He told me there was a good possibility that the pregnancy was in the wrong place, or that I was having an ovarian cyst.

      I was wheeled up to Radiology, where I was seen immediately. Right away the technician and the radiologists determined that it wasnt an ectopic pregnancy. I was starting to feel a bit hopeful. I dared to ask him how pregnant I washe said almost 12 weeks, but. Then he started to tell the technician that something was missing. I tried to ask more questions, but they wouldnt answer me.

      They finished with me, and wheeled me out to the hallway where they left me there while they turned off all the lights. I was REALLY wishing for my hubby then. The medical transport guy came to fetch me after 10 long minutes. I was placed back in the ER hallway again, and the doc, looking much more concerned for me this time, came to tell me that an OB/GYN would come talk to me. I could tell that he felt really bad for me because he kept coming over to pat my head and give me Kleenex while I sniffed away. I knew something was wrong.

      FINALLY, after a useless interview with a 3rd year medical student, and a quickie call to my parents to ask them to email my hubby and tell him I was still at the hospital, the OB/GYN came to see me. She told me my pregnancy wasnt viable and that I had a blighted ovum. The ultrasound had only seen an empty sack, about 4 weeks developed, instead of the 12 weeks it should have been. Tears starting pouring down my face and she told me that even though I wasnt bleeding at all, Id have to abort what was inside me.

      To make all this worse, when I called my parents to ask them to come get me at the hospital, the first thing they said when they got me in their car was we dont think its a good time for you to have a baby. :angry I felt as though they were blaming me for getting pregnant and for having this miscarriage, as if at 30 years old and married, I wasn't able to decide when to conceive! I lied to their face and told them that it wasnt a planned pregnancy, just so I could avoid the arguments. I was too busy crying. When I got home and told my husband the bad news, he was kind and comforting and told me wed do whatever it took to get pregnant. He was nice enough to email my parents and told them I was doing ok. They responded back with Thanks for reassuring us. By the way, we dont think its the right time for you guys to have a baby. This started a whole lengthy back and forth email argument between my hubby and my parents, which I am desperately trying to ignore so I can focus on whats going on with me. :gloomy:

      I dont even have the strength to be angry with my parents. I wrote them a short note telling them that Im too busy grieving to deal with all this crap, and to keep their opinions to themselves.

      Im supposed to go back for a blood test tonight to confirm that my hormone levels are in fact dropping from the 5000 they were on Saturday. After that, I have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon to decide with the doc what I should do. . Im being given the choice of a curettage or taking some medication and having the miscarriage pass naturally. Having seen my mother go through a curettage, I dont think I want to go that routeAnyone have any advice on that one? Is it very painful? What do I do?!!

      #89; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:18:00 GMT
    • After spotting for a few days and some light cramping I found out last Saturday at the ER that my baby had no heartbeat. I was not strong enough to wait and have the m/c naturally at home. I got my d&c on Monday. The doctor let me see what she got out and it was amazing how much blood and tissue there was. She said I could try again as soon as we wanted but I can't face it for a few months yet.
      #90; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:19:00 GMT
    • Another thank you for the thread, I will come back an edit this post with my story tomorrow.
      #91; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:20:00 GMT
    • Fantastic idea for a thread. I know it would have helped me to know what might be normal.

      I have had a few miscarriages but usually very early on. I know because of the material that comes out of me.

      When I had my first miscarriage I saw what I could only describe as bodily tissue. I didn't have many clots. I had a D&C so didn't see anything else after that. I lost at almost 9 weeks.

      With my last miscarriage, which was last week. ( I still need to grieve.) I again was 9 weeks. I knew I was going to lose. It started with bloody mucous, 2 days later I started to bleed very heavily, so much so I was lying down in bed on towels. A few days later I got up and when changing underwear (and coughing) something fell to the floor. I screamed. I thought it was a placenta but now realise it was the foetus. I had some severe cramping but thankfully it wasn't constant. I went to the doctor to see if there was anything left inside. There wasn't. All up I bled for a week.

      #92; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:21:00 GMT
    • Mine started on a Friday afternoon. I was 6w3d. I went to the bathroom and saw a tiny bit of bloody matter in the toilet. I knew that some spotting could be normal, but I also just knew that this wasn't good. For the next few hours, I was ransacked by cramps. Again, I knew this couldn't be good.

      I didn't bleed too much that day, but the cramps continued. I bled more the next day, and that's when I started passing tissue. Again, I had terrible cramps - taking up to 5 ibuprofen at one point. On Sunday morning, I felt something pass. I thought it was a big clot so I went to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down, I heard the sound of something hitting the water. I only got to look at it a few seconds before it slid down into the toilet beyond my gaze. It was the size of a large thumb, or maybe the size of a large jalapeno pepper. It was reddish/pinkish and it looked smooth.

      After this the cramps subsided. I continued to bleed lightly for about a week.

      I was so afraid of the process of miscarrying. I was so afraid that seeing the tissue and placenta would just make the situation even more difficult. As if losing a pregnancy isn't difficult enough, the actual process of miscarrying just adds insult to injury. In the end, it was a very sad experience but it wasn't scary. In a weird kind of way, I feel like a much stronger person for having experienced it.

      #93; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:22:00 GMT
    • Thank you all so much for posting your stories. I have searched and searched to find a home on the net now that I'm miscarrying. I really needed you all, other mothers who have gone through this. I just found out yesterday that all is not right with my pregnancy. I had some light brown spotting and went in for my first doctor's apt and an u/s. I am 9 weeks pg. As soon as I saw the u/s I knew that it was not right, I couldn't see baby at all. The doctor lost his jovial manner immediately and as soon as he handed the wand to the u/s tech she fled the room. He said there were two options, that I was earlier in the pregnancy than I thought or that things were not progressing as we would like. I told him I was sure of my dates and I was definitely 9 weeks along. He said that the baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks. I was completely stoic and numbly made my way to the front desk, set up a follow up apt, then walked to the hospital and waited and registered and got my blood drawn. When the blood tech asked how I was I immediately broke down and started crying and cried through the whole blood draw. Ever since I found out I have been spotting. It progressed from light brown or pink to red. I've had a couple clots so far and some bleeding and a couple random strong cramps. Not too much. I am feeling devastated, I cry and then am OK, then cry. My 17-month old son keeps me distracted a lot, which is probably good, but then I wish I had time to just wallow in my sadness too. I needed this post so that I could know what to expect. I will write again when the process is complete and be one more story that might help someone else who is at the same place in her life. I have another appointment in 2 days and then they will do another u/s to make sure, but I know that the baby is gone. I am hoping that everything will pass naturally and not too horrifically, I want to avoid a D&C at all costs, unfortunately DH does not agree with that, but we'll have to work that out. I just can't think of it all right now, I hate having to deal with this, having to face the reality of it. It is so unfair to have to make these choices, sorry, no more ranting on this board...

      UPDATE: Bleeding, cramping, and clotting steadily increased throughout the week. It is over now. I drank 2 Emergen-C's today because the midwife recommended vitamin c intake to help things along. I had a couple large clots and some very painful cramping. I took an oxycodone to help with the pain, but much as in labor it made me feel lightheaded but didn't help the pain where I needed it. I felt something slide out into my underwear, it didn't hurt. I went and looked and it sort of looked like a handful of cherry pie filling. I examined it further, it is sort of longish and dark red and thick and fibrous. I didn't see anything that looked flesh-like or veiny or anything. I didn't know what to do so put it in the toilet but didn't flush. I went out and told my husband it was over and asked what he wanted to do. We decided we might regret just flushing it, so I fished it out and we made a little bed of soft tissues in a winnie-the-pooh box and put it in there. We are going to plant a weeping willow or something tomorrow and bury the baby there. I may write a letter to the baby and put it in the box. I am now having some sharp kind of pains that seem to be in the bowel. I am not bleeding anymore and feel like it is done. I am thankful that my body was able to take care of things on its own.

      #94; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:23:00 GMT
    • I can say that your stories are unbearably sad, and comforting at the same time. I never thought I would go through anything like this before. To read similar situations and also how you've gotten past it.. that you've had babies since, it's a great comfort.

      Mine happened not so long ago. Long enough ago to be healing, still not long enough to stop crying once and a while at night. No one ever can explain to you how bad this hurts. You can read it, watch it on tv, have it happen to someone you know, but my god there is nothing like this. You go from the butterflies of I think I am pregnant, and the rollercoaster that is, you find out you are, you plan, you get excited, you get nervous.. happy, you tell people, it's a lot to have given to you. It's even more to have it taken away.

      Everything was easy going, normal. I was approaching 8 weeks. My body was feeling different.. I was so in tune with everything. So when that first odd sensation happened.. in the back of my head I just knew it was not good. Over about 5 days I started bleeding more and more everyday. I got the worst cramps of my life the night before it officially happened. Before I used to just think of my body as.. nothing really. I'm just here, living, working, sleeping.. the usual. After I became pregnant, I was amazed at what I and my husband had created. What my body had done, the happiness I finally felt when I looked at it in the mirror.. I felt justified. Not that I was empty feeling before, not at all, I just didn't know that I could feel this way.

      The bleeding started out very light brown, it turned darker everyday until it was brighter than my menstrual blood usually is. It's the most helpless feeling. It's nature. You cannot stop it. I spent the day of the miscarriage at my job, feeling.. well, not feeling anything at all. My breasts stopped hurting, I checked every 10 minutes, they just stopped. I didn't feel sick that morning, I wasn't as hungry as I had been. It's like this beautiful little thing.. it was just disappearing and I couldn't do a god damned thing. All the symptoms, as they say, of pregnancy.. just stopped. My bleeding worsened, no cramps though. I left work and went to the hospital where I was given little hope of a happy outcome. I had an awful time there, between vaginal ultrasounds and rude doctors smiling as they give me my bad news.. but telling me at the same time to keep hope because there is a sac.. we just can't tell what's going on with it.. it was truly traumatic.

      As we walked out of the hospital, 11 at night, hot, tired, we got halfway to the car and my knees buckled and I sobbed. I had been holding it in all day. It took me over. I have never grieved that way in my life. Not for anything, or anyone lost.. not even my father. It was a deep aching empty sob I could not stop and as I looked at him trying not to cry I felt like I had in some way failed at something larger than me that I was assigned but not given directions to.. if that makes sense. I began to retrace everything I did, what could have caused this. Was it that cup of coffee the day before I found out.. that cigarette before I found out, working to hard, things I'd done in the past I was being punished for, some reason this had happened to me, to us. I felt responsible. I felt broken. I felt sorry for myself, for my precious husband who had pinned so many dreams to this baby, most of all, I felt sorry for the baby.

      I know.. it was a mass of cells and tissue still, I never even heard it's heartbeat, it was technically nothing to the majority of people. To me it was, what I had felt from the beginning, a boy with dark brown hair, green eyes.. maybe blue, light pink skin, that smell only babies have, a little extension of everything great and loving that me and my husband are. That baby was validation of my womanhood. I finally felt like a real grown up. Though I've been one for a several of couple of years.

      I lost it on a Monday morning, alone in the bathroom. I went to pee, I sat down.. I felt something slide out, I heard a plop. I gasped and sat there. I was terrified. I felt like I was breaking. I had to get up. I looked in, all I saw was blood, then a very dark circular red area. I got a wooden spoon and poked it, it was smushy and I just freaked. I flushed the toilet, threw the spoon away, got into bed, buried my head and sobbed. My best friend called as usual every morning, she had not known what was happening and as soon as I let out the words I lost the baby, she was silent, she cried, she offered prayer. I laid in bed, waited on my husband to get home. As soon as he did we just cradled each other, he held me, we slept, we cried, we laughed at our shitty luck, we cried more, we named him and told him we loved him and that I was sorry I flushed him, we laughed, we cried again, and went to sleep. The guilt I felt over the flush was greater than I had thought. I didn't even think about flushing, I just did it. Like when you step on a spider. You see it, you think oh shit a spider, you step on it and go on. I just freaked. After reading how some of you took care of your littles, I wish I had done the same.

      I got blood taken 3 times that week. Each time my HCG levels dropping off into oblivion. I hate the looks you get in the OB office, the.. oh you poor thing.. the I don't know what to say so I'll talk about the weather. What I hate even more? Having the doctor tell you.. after looking over your ultrasound pictures, that your uterus no longer holds a baby, no.. that your baby is down to just "simple debri that will pass with time". Debri. My child is debri. My body is a wasteland, my former child blowing around in there as debri in a storm of chaos that kicked it out of me anyway. Those doctors, they sure do know how to make a girl feel better.

      What really sucks the big one though? UNtelling people. Yeah. I made that mistake. I told everyone I could that I was expecting. It was a joyous occasion and I could not resist. I knew the 3 month rule. I have never been able to keep a secret though. And I was foolish enough to think I would carry to term. I sound hard on myself, I am still.. a little, but it's all anger flowing out of me also. After about 3 weeks, I stopped talking about it, we moved on, and eventually I will be back to normal. I still feel like if I look at a baby sideways around anyone at work they are secretly thinking that I am crying on the inside and how hard that must be for me. It isn't. I love babies. I love to look at them and make them laugh, and I don't get full of sorrow like a few people think I do. So in a way I turn off now, to save myself that shame for shame glance I feel like I am getting.

      I may be rambling but this was a few months in the making and I finally felt ok to write about it. We are trying again and I am hoping for the best. I don't think I will truly believe the baby is 100% okay until I am holding it though. I feel so scared to do this again, but if I don't I think I will slowly vanish. I feel like I am handing over every shred of feeling I have left and leaving it up to a half and half game that I could lose again at and risk going through all of this again. On the other hand it's worth it. I miss it so bad. I miss.. I miss everything about it. As gross as it is, I even miss the morning sickness. I felt so wonderful through the vomit, the out of no where gas, the painfully sore boobs.. it was all worth it and a sign of greatness to come.

      The only thing I kept out of the 2 great months I had being with him.. the picture of the positive pregnancy test. I must've taken 12 of those things. They become intoxicating. You spend your whole teenage existence, early adulthood sometimes, wishing, hoping, and praying for one line, or pink not blue, or a - not a +, not pregnant rather than pregnant.. when you are at a place in your life where blue, +, two lines, and pregnant flashing on your pee stick wouldn't be all that bad, turns out.. it's out of this world.

      Thank you ladies. I feel a lot better. All of you stay strong and keep trying, I am.

      #95; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:24:00 GMT
    • It's easier to be supportive of others than to allow ourselves those things we need to feel better again.

      You said it, hon!! :grouphug

      #96; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:56:00 GMT
    • I just want to say thank you for starting this thread. It came at a perfect time for me. My story is one of the less in comparison ones as well. I ended up miscarrying yesterday. I was 8w3d.

      I started spotting on Thursday evening--brownish watery blood, but not much, for 24 hours. On Friday evening, it turned red, but was still pretty light. Sometime on Sat, there started being little drips of red blood when I went to the bathroom, but still not much on the pad. I had mild cramping off and on this whole time. Same kind of stuff on Sun, maybe a bit larger drops. Then yesterday, bleeding actually seemed to get a bit lighter. I started getting heavier cramping and LBP mid morning. Just before I passed the sac, the cramping was similar to light labor pains, which came and went. I felt the need to push, and out came the sac into the toilet. I don't think there was anything in it, it just felt like part of it was a little more thick than the rest.

      Like Joan said, I felt almost immediately better--sad, but different. So differently physically as well. Now this morning the bleeding is very light, with virtually no cramping (just a twinge every once in awhile)

      Thank you for being here to share with everyone. It helps...

      :hug2 :hug2 to all of you as we get through.

      Michelle

      #97; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:57:00 GMT
    • I just wanted to thank you all for this thread. I knew I was starting to miscarry yesterday and I stumbled on this thread. It really helped me to mentally prepare for today. I lost a baby in 2002, but it was a missed miscarriage, so the baby died and my body never expelled it. I had to have a D & C, so I have never experienced what I am now. Thank you all for being so kind and brave in sharing your stories. :heartbeat
      #98; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:58:00 GMT
    • :hug Thanks you everyone for sharing.

      Would y'all like me to sticky this thread so it wll be availible to others facing the same thing?

      #99; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 04:59:00 GMT
    • I'm pretty new here and haven't posted to this section before, but I have been looking around for a couple days. This is the first time I have written this out so I hope I can get it all written out. I should be due some time in mid March, but I knew that something was not right from the same time I first knew I was pg. I was just starting to get excited and thinking about the baby when I was about 7 weeks along. July 31st dh and I sat down on the couch to watch LOTR Return of the King and he fell asleep less then half way in. Not long after he fell asleep I started cramping pretty bad. I knew what was happening so I just tried to relax through the cramping as best I could and just let things happening. I spotted a little that evening, but the next day around noon was when I really started bleeding. I never passed any 1 large clot that could be identified as anything, but I did have a very bad day Monday. DH stayed home from work with me and I either laid in bed trying to get some rest or was in the bathroom. I bled heavy for several days, but it started tappering off within a week and by 10 days it was pretty well done. I never went to an ob or mw, but I did call my ob. My ob is pretty great about letting your body do its thing and just told me to watch for super heavy bleeding or fever. I did have an odd next cycle it was only 3 weeks and I think I only then totally finished the m/c.
      #100; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:00:00 GMT
    • This is a wonderful thread- I wish something like this had been available when I went through this in 2002.

      I was 7 wk 1 day pg according to LMP and I had a very tiny amount of brown spotting and some cramping, so I called my midwife in tears and she got me an appointment at the local ER to do an ultrasound and HCG test. She told me that most likely nothing would be wrong and that this was just to ease my mind. During that US, we heard the heartbeat and saw the baby on the screen and we were so releived to see "him" that we even brought our oldest daughter (8 at the time) to see everything and hear the heartbeat. The tech said everything looked fine. Her instructions were to have me wait in the waiting room while the radiologist looked at the US results. About 20 minutes later I was called back into the office and the tech handed me the phone and told my that my midwife wanted to speak with me. When I picked up the phone, Aimee, my midwife, told me that my HCG was really low for 7 weeks, the heartbeat was too slow, and that the sac was measuring only 5 weeks. She told me that I would miscarry.

      I of course, lost it completely. The whole hospital must've known I was there, cause I was hysterical! A half hour earlier I had been smiling with joy at the site of my little baby and the sound of his heartbeat. But now I knew this little one was about to die. It broke my heart.

      I went to work every day after that and had more hcg tests, none of them looking promising. I frantically searched online for information about women whose babies had survived under those conditions, but I found few. I insisted that my midwives prescribe progesterone in the hopes that it would help.

      Mother's Day was the following Sunday and somehow I managed to get up the courage to go out to dinner with my family. At the restaurant, I saw so many babies and pregnant women, I just wanted to die, it was so sad.

      The following morning, I woke up and went to work and something hit me- I needed an ultrasound immediately. I knew something had happened, so I cancelled my appointments for the day and called my midwife who was very understanding and made me another appointment at a Women's Health Clinic for an ultrasound. I remember waiting in the waiting room hearing Ella Fitzgerald singing "At Last" over the radio. I loved that song and I thought, "This is one of my favorite songs, maybe it's sign that everything will be okay" Then I went in to have the US and the tech broke the news to me that my baby had died. I was told to go straight to the midwives office and when I got in my car I didn't even know how to get there anymore. I drove down the wrong way of a one way street, got lost and finally an hour later made it to the midwives office and cried my eyes out some more.

      Two days later I was resting on the couch when I felt a pain, and I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and blood just gushed out. I kept cramping and bleeding, so much that I couldn't even get off the toilet. I was home alone so I called my husband at work and got his voicemail and left a message for him to call me back immediately. Then I heard a huge plop in the toilet and when I looked down everything was red except for this little sac and when I picked it up I saw my little baby. He looked exactly like a 6 week old fetus looked in my books, except for only one arm bud had started to develop. He was still in the sac and I could see eyes, a heart, beginnings of a spine, a little tail that was beginning to dissapear. At that moment I freaked out and called the midwives. It was their lunch hour so I got the answering service and was called back immediately and I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone as she listened to me sob and tell her how I was holding my tiny littly baby in my hand and sitting on the toilet bleeding. I was still home alone so I called my friend Lisa, then my mom, while I waited for my husband to come home. We rushed to the midwives office because by the late afternoon, I was so exhausted from the ordeal that I could barely get up and Mike thought I was bleeding too much.

      I just cried and cried off and on for 2 weeks. I thought I was going crazy for not getting over it quickly- everyone said such stupid things to me.

      I had one cycle then got pregnant immediately and now Madelyn is 18 months old. I still cry about that lost little boy of mine- I just know it was a boy, I could feel it. It was so sad. We buried him in the back yard, but we have since moved from that house and I think about it once in awhile.

      I know this is long, but it was very therapeutic to write. It's still very fresh in my mind and I imagine it always will be. Thanks for giving me a place to share my experience. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out now, I can't believe how much it still affects me, over two years later.

      #101; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:01:00 GMT
    • Two days later I was resting on the couch when I felt a pain, and I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet and blood just gushed out. I kept cramping and bleeding, so much that I couldn't even get off the toilet. I was home alone so I called my husband at work and got his voicemail and left a message for him to call me back immediately. Then I heard a huge plop in the toilet and when I looked down everything was red except for this little sac and when I picked it up I saw my little baby. He looked exactly like a 6 week old fetus looked in my books, except for only one arm bud had started to develop. He was still in the sac and I could see eyes, a heart, beginnings of a spine, a little tail that was beginning to dissapear.

      :hug

      Thanks, this was very interesting to read. I had a m/c when I was 11 weeks past my LMP. I started spotting the day I turned 11 weeks and went to the ER to see if there was something that could be done. It was such a tiny amount of blood that the doctors had me convinced it was probably just normal bleeding. Then I had an u/s and there was no baby, so the pregnancy had stopped developing somewhere along the way. I stopped feeling symptoms around 9 weeks, but a someone told me with a blighted ovum you still have symptoms for awhile even though you aren't really pregnant.

      I started bleeding heavily the next day. For a day it was just like a light period, then the dam burst and all of a sudden a gush and it was pouring out of me, but I had no pain. I kept moving from the toilet to the tub and pulling out the clots so I could check for something babylike. I even took a photo of a kind of fetal shaped clot, but there was nothing that looked like a baby in it. I keep thinking that somehow I missed seeing the baby, but then I think maybe there was no baby. It is kind of confusing for me.

      I hadn't been to a doctor until the spotting started--I was going to wait until 12 weeks because I was trying to use a midwife and get that worked out. So I never heard a heartbeat and I don't know if there was one or not. It sounds like if there had been a baby, I should have seen it. But at one point when I was in the hospital for the second night in a row, and the doctor was scraping the last stuff out, the nurse made a noise and then took something quickly away. I wanted to see it, but she said it was nothing. So, of course, I've always wondered if it was something that looked like a baby or part of a baby.

      My mom called the ambulance for me, which was really over the top as far as I was concerned, but I did almost pass out at one point when they tried to take my blood pressure. The OB wanted to do a D&C but I had eaten dinner in the midst of the miscarriage. I was really hungry, so I crawled out with about 10 pads on and ate something. The whole experience was kind of surreal. We had some gallows humor going on, and my mom and sisters were sharing their miscarriage experiences, and my sister reached in the blood filled toilet to get my clot. I was hoping to examine that clot a little more, but then my friend cleaned up the bathroom for me when I went to the hospital. :( I really appreciate his hardwork, I was just a little sad at still not knowing.

      Nothing I had seemed sac like--it all just seemed like pieces of liver and huge clots that got stuck and I had to pull out. Does this indicate something more than another thing?

      #102; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:02:00 GMT
    • I was 8(9?) weeks pregnant when I went for an ultrasound. Not that this had anything to do with my miscarriage, but the ultrasound tech was *very* rude. But anyway, she didn't tell me anything, just made me wait in that cold room for about an hour after the ultrasound. She came back in and said I had to talk to my doctor on the phone. She told me that I was going to miscarry, but didn't tell me why and I was too shocked to ask. I was just stunned silent. I felt very alone that they would tell me something so horrible over the phone, but maybe it was better that way than having the rude u/s tech. tell me.

      Anyway, I spent about two weeks walking around knowing I was carrying a dead baby. What made it even worse was that my best friend (ex-best friend now, but not because of this) found out she was pregnant when I found out I was losing my baby. I had to spend time with her knowing she had a live baby and I had a dead one inside me. This is horrible of me to say, but during that time I wished she would lose hers too. (Unfortunately, she did about a month later. I know it wasn't my fault that she lost hers because of how I felt, but it felt like it was at the time.)

      Anyway, one night I was checking my email and got up to get a drink. I felt a heavy gush and I thought I had wet myself. I checked my pants and my hand was bloody. It was almost like a signal for all the bad stuff to happen, because I almost immediately felt crampy. I went upstairs and told my mom it was finally happening and I laid on the couch for a while in pain. I decided to go upstairs and take a bath because that always made me feel better when I had AF. I stood up from the couch and felt a gush again. When I went upstairs to undress there was a small clear sac the size of my fist in my underwear that was kinda solid looking in the center. I freaked out and let it fall in the toilet and I immediately flushed it. I was screaming and basically just being hysterical. I spent the entire bath crying. I had to take a shower, too, because the water turned red and it was getting kinda gross.

      This happened in October of last year, and I found out in January that I was pregnant again. We had our DS on 8/04/04. I wonder what the first baby would have been like if I had carried to term, but if I had we wouldn't have Trent and that cheers me up.

      #103; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:03:00 GMT
    • Karennnnn, thank you for posting this thread. last year i also had a blighted ovum, something i'd never even heard of before. a lot of people say a blighted ovum isn't a "real" miscarriage so i've never really talked about it, my first post was too cold, i know i need to write while connecting with my emotions.

      my hcg levels were 38,000, i knew when we conceived so we knew i was 12 weeks along. celebration time!!! i was scheduled for an u/s. my husband and i watched as a perfect white circle showed on the u/s screen, then the tech explained there was no baby, just a placenta and sac. i felt numb. the image of that perfect, empty sac haunted me in nightmares, especially before this baby's first ultrasound. the dr. explained that it was rare for a blighted ovum to go on this long, and that i'd start miscarrying fairly soon, and urged me to schedule a D&C for the next day. i refused.

      i researched blighted ovum and thought about it for a few days, i was still amazed that i had gotten pregnant in the first place, after 10 years of infertility! a friend even said when i told her i was miscarrying, "you got pregnant?!" which validated how wonderful i felt that my body was working. i decided i'd let my body do this on its own, so that my uterus would be healthy for the next baby :)

      from the u/s to the day the miscarriage ended took 4 months. (during that time we got married, we'd moved the wedding up because of the baby, only very close family knew i was miscarrying at the wedding.) 2 weeks after the u/s, i started spotting lightly, then more heavily, with cramps on and off, and my hcg levels steadily went down each week. i monitored my temperature daily, had instructions on when to call or go in, and just rested and took care of myself. i saw a lot of rusty-brown blood, some bright red blood, and rubbery clots with mucous-colored stringy bits, but not all at once. i kept thinking it was over whenever i bled more and saw more clots, but it stopped and started several times. i kept getting offered a D&C but kept refusing, since i wasn't running a fever and the pain wasn't constant and i could handle it. it felt like i was being tossed around on long, slow waves, emotionally and physically.

      i didn't see the end result, i was out of it in the ER, didn't think to ask to see and later i wished i had. the last bit of placenta/sac was stuck at my cervix and i was in excruiciating pain with a sudden high fever, i needed help ... the ER OB was very kind, understood i was having a natural miscarriage ... she talked me and my husband through a manual extraction. i cried so hard because i was no longer pregnant, marveled at the mystery that is the human body, and realized how "lucky" i was that there was no baby, because i can't imagine how devastating it would have been. but i still can't express all the emotions i felt/feel.

      it took me until i was about 36 weeks along in this pregnancy to realize that i don't need to fear a natural birth, because i went through a long, natural miscarriage and i was just fine. my "shadow baby" has been a comfort to me in this way.

      peace,

      meli

      #104; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:04:00 GMT
    • Mine started on a Sunday. I was getting in the car with my SIL to go shopping. I felt a rush of blood and told her to drive around the block--our toddlers were in the back seat. I ran in the house and watched blood pour into the toilet. I put on a pad and went outside to get in the car. I didn't have any pain or cramping and refused to admit anything could be wrong. People bleed for lots of reasons, right? She said she thought we should stay home just in case. We glanced at each other as we were getting the kids out of the car and we both had tears in our eyes. Within hours I started having horrible cramps and called my OB. He was golfing and said since nothing could be done I should just take some motrin and call back on Monday if I was still bleeding. DH was at the footbal conference championship game and I didn't want to ask him to come home. Finally I had bled through so many pads that I went downstairs and told my FIL I was having a miscarriage and needed him to go pick up DH from the game. We both started to cry. I had horrible cramps and bleeding for about 24 hours. At times I just sat on the toilet and let it pour out of me. Then I felt something large pass and heard a huge splash into the toilet. I forced myself to fish out a huge frisbee shaped placenta. I saw the sac but couldn't open it. I put it back in the toilet and flushed it.

      My husband couldn't really talk about it. My SIL held me while we both cried. I wish I had done some sort of memorial. At the time I thought I was just suppossed to forget.

      We started TTC right away, but didn't conceive again until the first cycle after that baby's EDD. We were trying the whole time, but I never felt closure until the EDD had passed. Somewhere inside me I think I needed to ride out the phantom pregnancy to last possible moment.

      Thank you for this thread. It feels right to finally be able to share the details.

      #105; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:05:00 GMT
    • I have had several, and at this point it's hard to remember what/how each went.

      In general, if it starts around or before 5 weeks for me it's less severe than if it's further. Those I only bleed a few days longer and a little heavier than a period and rarely *see* anything.

      The ones which were later felt like LABOR when they started. I bled/spotted off and on both before they started and after for a while. I had to sit on the toilet and just breathe through them like with labor. I saw little placentas and sacs (no fetus, as both my later losses were delayed losses as well and they'd reabsorbed or broken down).

      For *me* the later ones were much harder to deal with (and were 1 year apart nearly to the day, so pretty cruel that way too).

      My advice if you find something is to not just throw/flush it. I regret that SO much after my last loss (twins, at around 10 weeks, the placentas were smaller than 10 week size though, so they'd stopped growing). I was camping and didn't know how to keep them discretely so I threw them away. I really regret that now. :(

      #106; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:07:00 GMT
    • I wish this thread would have been here when I m/c. It was December of 2001, I was 12 weeks pregnant, and thought I was past the scary part. This was my third baby, so I wasn't actually worried anyway, and no one in my family had ever m/c. I started spotting, just a tiny bit, but called my mw(I was planning my first homebirth). She said wait out hte weekend, rest, keep my feet up, it's probably fine...spotting happens. I stopped spotting, but went in on Monday to listen for the heartbeat just to make sure everything was ok. She couldn't find one...I still wasn't too worried becasue I am overweight and it is harder to hear it anyway. She gave me the option of an u/s or waiting...and I chose the u/s. So we went in that day and had it done. The baby was dead, had stopped growing around 7.5 weeks. It was awful laying on the table, having the tech do a complete u/s when I knew already the baby was gone...she insited on measure my kidneys and stuff...I should have told her to stop, but I just laid there, tears streaming down my face trying to hold the sobs in.

      I decided I wanted to m/c at home...I was afterall planning to have the baby at home, it just seemed like the right thing to do. My mw was totally unsupportive, basically said these things happen, and never even called to check on me in the three weeks it took to m/c completely. She was awful!

      I was going to school at night, so continued to go to classes while I waited. I even took the kids to playgroup twice before I actually m/c...I think it made people uncomfortable, but I couldn't just sit at home waiting...nothing was happening. Finally one night in class I started getting horrible cramps, I tried to sit through the class and I figured I would just go home afterwards, but the pain was so bad I couldn't sit there...I drove home(I don't even remember getting home the pain was so bad), and it just got worse...I did not expect to feel this much pain, it was worse than my labours(I had epidurals though after 6 cm), and I was crying, and groaning, and spent most of the time int he tub. My poor hubby didn't know what to do for me. I was also having loose stools(constantly), so everytime I would sit on the toliet to poo, blood and pieces of my placenta were coming out, big clots...my husband was amazing he actually doned rubber gloves and searched through everything for me becasue I couldn't, and I couldn't flush knowing our baby might be in there. I couldn't stop crying. Then probably 3 or so in the morning it all stopped, I was still bleeding and having clots, but the bm and cramping stopped. I thought it was all over.

      The same thing happened the next night. I thought I was going to die...I couldn't believe I had to go through it again, and I thought of ging to the hospital for a d&c, but didn't. It happened just like the night before, and stopped about 3 am again. I called a clinic here(the same one I had my first ds at), and they saw me right away. I was worried things weren't moving along the way they should be, and I didn't think I could handle another night of the pain. The woman(she is a mw)examined me and actually pulled a piece of tissue out(excruciating...and didn't even ask me if it was ok), and she wouldn't let me take it home. I was just crying, and she was awful too...no compassion at all, or maybe I just needed too much. I don't know. Anyway, she said it looked like the m/c wasn't complete and since it had been 3 weeks, she refered me to an ob. I had another u/s done, and had my hormone levels checked through all of this. The same day the mw took out the "tissue" I went to the bathroom that night and felt a pop, feeling and plop in the toliet. I think I knew it was the baby, but I didn't even have my hubby come in to search through the stuff again, and I think after days of doing this, I was just not thinking straight. I didn't even look in the toliet I just flushed. I regret that still...after almost 2 years, that I just flushed it. I felt like it was over.

      I still went to the ob to make sure, and I think almost the worst part of the whole thing was I saw on my chart that it said I was being seen for a "missed abortion". I freaked out on the nurse. I thought they meant I had chosen to abort my baby and something went wrong. She explained to me that it was the term using for m/c there...it was crappy I thought. A slap in the face. Ack so anyway...I think it was really hard for a long time, and I still get sad sometimes, or wonder what she would have been like, but I got pregnant 3 months later and had my ds Sam(I worried the whole pregnancy), and I am now pregnant with my fourth baby, due in December. :)

      Anyway...thanks for this thread...I haven't been able to explain things so clearly before. :) Debi

      #107; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:08:00 GMT
    • I have had two miscarriages. They were between my two boys. The first one, we got pg. on our first try of TTC another baby, our older ds had just turned 2 years old. everything seemed to be going fine, got a couple of days into my 11th week, had a regular check-up, and the dr couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. Sent us for an ultrasound later that day. Ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped developing in the 8th week. I had just a tiny bit of brown spotting after the ultrasound. I was given the choice of a D&C, wait and see, or start things with a shot of methotroxate (spelling?). We were terrified, sad, scared. I was afraid of a D&C. Got online, got on boards, and sought out everything I could on exactly what a natural miscarriage was like, the pain, the amount of blood, the feelings. The next day, we went shopping, got a couple of movies, I felt numb to what was going to happen. I still remember it like yesterday. I was reading on the couch. Dh was on the computer, ds was watching cartoons. I felt a popping feeling, my water breaking, and a gush. I ran to the bathroom and literally sat on the toilet for hours while everything gushed out of me. I felt contractions. It was labor. It was more painful when I could tell tissue was stuck trying to come out of my cervix. So I would pull it out with a piece of toilet paper. If I hadn't read and read and talked to women that morning online about what was going to happen, I would've gone to the ER with the amount of blood that was coming out. Dh would come in and be with me, keep ds distracted, bring me a drink. I don't remember if I cried during it much. I was just concentrating on what was happening. Completely engulfed in the process. What I think was the baby, looked like a small sac, with some tiny bits in it. I moved to the bathtub and laid in there with the shower aimed on my back to help with the pain. I massaged my stomach, that made things go faster. My water broke around 1-2pm, and I finally left the bathroom at around 9:30pm. The majority of the miscarriage was that night, though the next week I could feel tissue caught on my cervix and I pulled it out, it was causing a lot of pain, hard to walk. Everything I saw, looked like large blood clots, thick rubbery looking tissue paper. I had to wear pads for a week or so. I got my blood drawn every week for 5 weeks until my hCg levels were below a 5 I think it was. Dh was home with me every day, the entire time, he had been in a car accident 2 weeks before I lost the baby, and he had a slight brain injury that kept him out of work. It was a blessing to have him with me during this time (and he was home for about a month after also, couldn't go back to work yet). Bad about the accident, but the timing of it meant dh could be with me and give ds the attention he needed also.

      We got pregnant again 1.5 cycles after that baby. I was watched closely from the beginning. My hCg levels were doing their thing, but low. Early ultrasound was inconclusive. In the 9th week, ultrasound showed that the baby hadn't developed enough. It was over. Again I had no spotting or bleeding. This time, I wasn't waiting. I wanted it over. The next day I had a D&C. It was emotionally horrifying and scary. But physically, it was 90% less painful than the previous miscarriage. The first one was less scary though because I knew what my body was doing. I felt in control. With the d&c I felt out of control and afraid, but physically it was better. Each time I think we chose the right path. With the D&C, I didn't ask to see the baby. Our losses were on February 22nd 2002 & June 14th 2002.

      #108; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:08:00 GMT
    • My story is the same as well as very different then some here. With my mc I had NO pain. Because of that fact I still doubt I had a m/c, but if it wasn't, then I don't know what it was.

      I didn't even know I was pg. I thought for sure that I was but took a test and it was -. But now I know that it was too soon.

      Anyway, we were at a conference in Chicago when I "got my period". I thought it was weird cause it was a week early, but not totally uncommon for me even though I was on the pill. That was Sat. On Thursday I was at work and I was standing on a chair putting stuff away on the shelves and I felt something BIG come out. I thought it was just a big clot. I went to the bathroom and there was this BIG whiteish/gray/pinkish thing on my pad. It was very hard and about the size of half a golf ball. My heart sank and I immediatly realized that it was my baby. I just froze and couldn't move. I don't remember how much I was bleeding at that point. My periods have always been heavy...even on the pill. So I had to go back in and finish my work day out. When I got home, I told Jim all about what happened and I called our insurance nurse line. She said to either go to the ER or urgent care. I chose urgent care cause I knew that wouldn't do a pelvic...the LAST thing that I wanted at the time...now I regret that. So we had to wait for our friend to get there cause we were having a meeting at our house that night with a ton of friends. We we went to the UC and the doc said that from everything I described it sounded like a m/c and we figured out the timing and figured out I was about 10 weeks, give or take a week. We went home and there were about 15 people there and I just went right to our bedroom and went to bed. I couldn't face anyway. At one point I did get thirsty and went to get something to drink I think. I don't remmeber too much. I bled for 3 week after that and got my next period exatly 28 days after the bleeding stopped.

      Anyway, the not having any pain thing though totally throws me off. I still have doubts that I m/c. If that is what it was, I am totally convinced that I m/c'd cause I continued to take the pill the whole time.

      :hug to all

      #109; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:10:00 GMT
    • I've never had a m/c so I can't begin to imagine what you ladies have been through, but I wanted to send all of you my deepest sympathies for your losses. :Hug
      #110; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:11:00 GMT
    • Amber,

      Something similar happened to my sister. I found this out after my own m/c with the blighted ovum.

      She said for weeks and weeks she was bleeding off and on and said it was like a period that wouldn't stop. She is/was on the pill and her ob office tried to switch pills, etc but it wouldn't work.

      Long story short, one day something plopped out and it was a walnut sized peice of tissue that she could not identify, but to me it sounded almost like a placenta or maybe a fetus that didn't quite form... Something odd. She said immediately after it came out she felt completely different and 100% better which is exactly how I felt.

      The very upsetting part of this is that her ob office wasn't even interested in seeing it and dismissed the whole occurence. Really crappy, don't you think?

      I believe we're blessed if we find a compassionate caregiver. They are really few and far between.

      I'm glad everyone is finding comfort in this thread :) Hugs to all of you mommas.

      Karen

      #111; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:12:00 GMT
    • I am so glad for this forum. It has helped me heal over the last couple of days, knowing others are out there who have experienced the loss of a baby.

      I don't have any friends or work colleagues who have suffered this type of loss (or they haven't said openly).

      My husband and I conceived our first child in the first month of trying. We were naturally very happy when we discovered that I was pregnant on 25 September.

      Things were going well until 5 October when I started to spot. My baby was 4 weeks along.

      The doctor prescribed Provera which I took for the next week and sent me for an US the next morning.

      The US showed approx 3 inch gestatinal sac which we were somewhat relieved.

      On the afternoon of 6 October the spotting turned bright red and was slightly heavier with a couple of small clots.

      My husband took me to the ER and that afternoon the doctor advised me that I was going through a miscarriage.

      That night I experienced painful cramps and passed through some more small clots and what looked like a little 3 inch bubble.

      It seemed like a normal period overnight, I even stained the bedsheet. Then in the morning I went back to spotting.

      I returned to my GP the day after going to the ER and my GP sent me to undergo blood tests as he believed that there was a chance that I could still be pregnant. His theory was that maybe the baby had rolled down in the uterus and re-implanted itself as I was still in the early stages of pregnancy.

      By the next Monday my doctor confirmed via blood tests that my pregnancy hormones had dropped and that I had indeed miscarried.

      It has been a week since the miscarriage and three days since I stopped taking Provera.

      I had yet to move from spotting. No one can tell me if this is normal. My doctor said that when my pregnancy hormones drop my period would start. I have called a nurse on a help line, she couldn't tell me.

      I just want to have an actual period so that I can go through a cycle and try to conceive again.

      Thank you for this opportunity to vent.

      #112; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:13:00 GMT
    • Cherubess,

      Either your doctor is wrong or he wasn't giving you complete information.

      He's making it sound like the moment (or so) that your hcg is back to 0, you'll get your period. This isn't so. What seems to happen with most women is that about 28 days after the start of the m/c, they get their period back. This isn't a golden rule, but happens with most.

      So in essence, the m/c is day one of your cycle. It may help to begin charting so you can get a better look at what is going on with your body.

      The spotting is very normal and may go on for a few weeks. With my m/c I spotted on and off for probably 2 plus weeks.

      Your body is an amazing thing and will recover and do its job. Even though I was obviously upset about having had a m/c, the fact that I began to ovulate and then get my period in such a way as if the m/c was my period, I was truly mesmerized.

      Good luck to you and please stay here to help you heal!!

      Take care,

      Karen

      #113; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:14:00 GMT
    • Thank you Karen :Thanks

      I have a better understanding now from this forum than I did from the doctor or a registered nurse. They couldn't or wouldn't give me any answers of what to expect - if what I was going through was normal.

      I was getting really frustrated. I was beginning to feel that my body was in limbo land and that I was alone. It really got me down yesterday.

      My darling husband was supportive last night but he really couldn't understand where I was coming from.

      However after reading your post, I now feel like what I am going through is normal and I am looking forward to the next number of weeks to go by, meanwhile trying to pick up new hobbies to keep busy.

      I can't believe that I am actually looking forward to seeing AF.

      #114; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:15:00 GMT
    • I was feeling the same way! AF has a whole new meaning, it's a validation that our bodies are working again. As much as I dislike AF I have almost always had some sort of appreciation and respect for her :)

      You m/c sounds like it was natural and you didn't have a d&c? Some opinions vary, but I was told by my midwife that as long as you didn't have a d&c, your lining is still intact. Because of that she told me I could ttc immediately. Each situation is different though so please trust your instinct and balance it with what you know.

      Is it possible for you to see a different care provider once you become pregnant or ttc again? It's hard to know exactly what went on there, but I get the feeling that they weren't the best for you if you left with questions.

      When I had my m/c the ob I went to didn't tell me too much either. I still can't figure out if it was because I went in there appearing like I knew exactly what was going on, or because they treat everyone that way. I'll tell you what, if I didn't know what I *do* know, I would have left very confused and frightened and above all, let down. Our bodies know what to do but it's also a little complicated at the same time.

      Mothering.com is a good hobby by the way ;)

      Take care,

      Karen

      #115; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:16:00 GMT
    • Hi, I was posting to this board a month or so ago while "waiting" to miscarry. My 9 week u/s showed the baby only measured 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I wanted to m/c naturally so I said I'd wait... in the end I waited 2.5 weeks and still had absolutely no sign of m/c. Once I was at 12 weeks the whole "waiting" started to freak me out and I had an in-patient (no general anesthetic) D&C which was painful but emotionally very healing for me. I hadn't realized how much stress I had been under in the inbetween state.

      I just wanted to post a 'different' experience because now that we have this u/s technology we find things out so much sooner than would have happened before. And I was suprised that there was no sign of m/c despite taking all the herbs (black cohosh etc) prescribed by my naturopath midwife.

      So, in my case, I didn't see anything at all.

      Shannon

      #116; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:17:00 GMT
    • I am just updating a post of mine from last week.

      This afternoon I went to the radiology clinic and had a pelvic ultrasound following my miscarriage on 6th October.

      The findings from the radiologist are The uterus and endometrium normal. No retained products seen. Both ovaries and both adnexae normal.

      So I am happy (in the circumstances) that I can start TTC after AF makes an appearance.

      Thanks again to the ladies who replied to my posts you dont know how you lifted my flagging spirits by helping me feel normal. :twothumbs

      #117; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:18:00 GMT
    • I had my first miscarriage due to a blighted ovum (never fully develped.) The whole process took about 3 weeks, because my OB honored my intention to let it proceed naturally rather than having a D&C.

      At first, I remember noticing some blood... not heavy... not too much. There wasn't a lot of pain or anything... just some spotting.

      It stopped for a few days, but my OB told me that it would probably start up again. If it didn't, we'd have to look at a D&C.

      The next week I started bleeding more, like a heavy period. There were some period-like cramps, but these were easily managed with advil/motrin. I thought this was the "miscarriage." I was wrong.

      The next week on one or two days I had occassional extremely sharp cramping, like in labor. After each episode, when I went to the bathroom, there would be blobs of tissue. Nothing identifiable, but large... say a few inches long.

      After that I had a few more days of bleeding and it ended.

      Sadly, I started bleeding again last night. I'll know tomorrow if it's another miscarriage.

      #118; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:19:00 GMT
    • Thanks to all who have posted here - I just registered in order to get out my thoughts and feelings - I am 99% sure that I miscarried at 6 weeks and 1 day yesterday. It started in the morning as light spotting, kind of brownish, like the last day of my period - and I interviewed with a midwife yesterday (still havent decided on one yet) and she reassured me that it was normal - but to call her if the bleeding got heavier or bright red. Around 6pm I started to get cramps, felt like I was starting my period, and the bleeding started to get heavier, bright red, with some clotting. I called the midwife around 9pm and she said it could be a m/c or could be ok and to go to the hospital if it got really painful or really heavy bleeding. I tried to stay calm and believe that everything would be ok - but i think something inside me knew it wasnt ok. Around 11pm i was getting ready for bed and went to the bathroom and felt a larger than normal clot drop into the toilet. Something made me reach in to investigate further and in the clot i saw a small - pea sized grayish lumpy ball. I feel pretty positive that this was the embryo and that it was a m/c. I continued to have mild cramps and still bleeding (like my usual period flow) throughout the night and this morning. Also, I noticed that my breasts are no longer feeling swollen and tender. I haven't stopped crying since last night - I feel so sad for this loss.

      To make things worse, my dh and I were so excited over our first pregnancy that we have told so many people and I am not looking forward to all the "aww, I'm so sorry" comments we are bound to get.

      Also, I have 2 sisters who had their first babies in the last year, my SIL is pregnant with her 4th and is due June 10 (2 weeks before my edd of June 21 - we were so excited to be going through pregnancy together) and to top it all off my mom left me a message this morning that my other sister is pregnant (nice timing - huh).

      I know that everything happens for a reason and there were probably serious problems with the development- but it still is incredibly sad and hard to take. We got pg so quickly (3 weeks after the wedding) so I am confident that we will conceive again with no problem. And a small part of me thinks - well, maybe it wasnt a m/c - maybe the baby is still there - but then I think it would be silly to get my hopes up.

      I am going to call the midwife I saw yesterday and go in for a visit today to confirm and check to make sure everything is ok.

      I just wanted to get my story out to help the grieving process.

      Thanks to all whose stories helped me to know I'm not alone.

      Chelsea

      #119; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:20:00 GMT
    • :hug

      for me I started cramping and then had my heaviest bleeding ever. That was it. On a more positive note, my cycle started again really quickly and I conceived again easily.

      Chelsea, It must be hard with all the pregnancies around you. Be prepared that people may say dumb things but not out of malice, just because they don't know what to say. In my humble opinion, it doesn't matter if you were pregnant for a day or full term, whatever depth of loss you feel is real. There are lots of incredible women here that have lots more wisdom than I do, but they can tell you too, that sometimes it helps to give yourself the time to have a little ritual. Light a candle, say a prayer, do whatever seems right to acknowlege what has happened. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't a big deal.

      Also!!! don't forget about you. Take extra care, get lots of rest, drink raspberry tea and give yourself a break.

      I don't know if these words are helpful, but know that you are not alone. :hug

      Abigail

      #120; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:21:00 GMT
    • :grouphug to all of you. I came upon this thread and realize it's from October, but thought it had such good info, I wanted it to be at the top again. Reading through your posts was healing to me. My 2 miscarriages were pretty early, so I didn't see the baby, just clots and such. Here's to healing.
      #121; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:22:00 GMT
    • Thank you for posting to this thread. It's been a great deal of help to me. I'm currently miscarrying - I didn't even know I was pregant until Monday and here I am on Wed miscarrying.

      I wish this thread was sticky - it was a great help to me to read through it. I'll share my experience when it's over.

      #122; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:23:00 GMT
    • I've had three. The first was at about 9 weeks, and other two at twelve. The last two both occurred two days before the prenatal appointment when I expected to first hear the baby's heartbeat.

      With my first one, I'd been ttc baby #2 for over three years, and was so excited to be pregnant again. When I lost it, I felt as though I'd been kicked in the head...a cat wandered in a few days later and "adopted" me - a friend and a relative told me they thought it was a spirit guide to help me through the m/c - it was hit by a car two weeks later and bled to death in front of my house. I lost another baby 8 months after the first one, and began to really despair. Two years later, I finally got pregnant again (after many attempts to conceive, and a divorce...the pregnancy was an accident(!) with my new fiance, and I was thrilled). I lost that one, too...

      Anyway...all three of them proceeded almost exactly the same way, except that the pain came before the bleeding with the first one. I was sitting down having dinner, and got what I thought was a stomach-ache. After about 15 minutes, I found that I couldn't even eat. My ex took me to emergency, and they (eventually) took a look at me and said they thought I was miscarrying, but the only way to confirm that would be an ultrasound. I was bleeding by this time, but I don't really know how much, because I was in a bed in ER. I went home with a u/s scheduled for the next day. I was up all night with heavy bleeding and clots - like an unbelievably heavy period. At one point, I wiped up the blood, and saw a tiny little greyish thing on the toilet paper...it was only about an inch long, and not very wide...and it looked like it had the beginnings of a little "alien" face (you know the ones you see in pregnancy calendar pics)...little dark hollows where the eyes would be...damn - 7 years ago, and I'm starting to cry...that little "face" just haunts me...and I'm not even sure I wasn't imagining it... :( :(

      I went in for the ultrasound the next day. I was still bleeding a little, but not in pain, anymore. The doctor said there was no sign that I'd ever been pregnant. My body cleared everything out completely.

      The next two were identical, really. Right after work, I noticed a small amount of bright red blood when I used the bathroom. Both times, I went home and tried to take it easy. I didn't want to go to ER, because I already knew there was nothing they could do if it was a miscarriage, and if it wasn't, they'd just recommend taking it easy. Within about two hours, I started getting the bad menstrual-type pains again. Both times, I was up all night with bad cramps, heavy bleeding (nine maxis in one night, plus whatever went straight into the toilet) and lots of clots. I cried all night both times...

      I went in for follow-up ultrasounds again with both of them. One of them had already completely cleared, and the sack was sitting on my cervix for the second one. I'm not sure when I lost that one, as I never did see it. I guess the baby was just lost in all the bleeding with the last two...

      hmm...not sure if that's quite what the OP was originally looking for. That's the first time I've ever really posted about it (although I was talking to online friends all night with m/c #3).

      On the plus side...I finally gave birth to baby #2 - 10 years after my son, and 9 years after I started ttc. And, I'm expecting #3 in about 6 weeks. :)

      #123; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:24:00 GMT
    • I had a missed miscarriage 2 months ago. I was 15 weeks when we went in for my normal check up. The midwife couldn't find a heartbeat, so they immediately had me have a u/s. I knew immediatly that the baby was dead. I couldn't see any heartbeat, and it was so still. I've never seen an ultrasound like that before, no movement, no sound, just a little tiny baby. So sad. I was told they thought I ought to have a d&c the next day. I wish I knew I had other options, because the d&c was so sterile and surreal. I had to go to the out patient surgery where I was asked over and over again, why I was there, etc etc! Couldn't someone just read my chart and pass on the info. There was very little sympathy and none after the surgery was over. I went in 15 weeks pregnant and came out completely empty, with nothing to show for it. No pain, no baby, just an hour I will never remember. It really was so horrible, and I regret not giving birth to my baby very much. We found out 4 weeks later she was a girl. My little Therese.
      #124; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:25:00 GMT
    • What a great thread.

      I have created a website in memory of my angel. You can read my story here..

      http://www.babiesonline.com/babies/a/angelmccullough/

      I worn you ahead of time, there are pictures of my baby on this page. I had a missed miscarriage at 16 weeks. The baby was 14w 4d.

      Becky

      #125; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:26:00 GMT
    • Thanks so much everyone for sharing your touching stories. It helps me to prepare for what will happen in the next days or weeks. I had my first ob appt. today (9 weeks) and since the doc couldn't hear a heartbeat she did an US. It showed the embryo had stopped growing at about 7 weeks. I take progesterone, so that's probably what maintained the uterine lining so long. I'm going to try and let nature take its course, and not take meds or get a d&c. I'm hoping if I stop the progesterone it will start fairly soon.

      Like some of the pp I'm confused about what actually happened though. The us tech told dh it was not a blighted ovum, but a "failed pregnancy", and the doc said the size of the sac indicates it stopped growing at 7 weeks or so. Dh said all he saw was two circles/sacs on the screen. Could the embryo/fetus already have been resorbed? And how could the tech tell the difference if there was no baby visible? I guess I'll ask when I see the ob next, in two weeks. (or earlier if I get a fever or something) It seems ridiculous, but I feel this need to know what I'm actually crying over, whether it's the embryo 'dying' or a 'trick pregnancy' (I actually do feel like I was 'tricked' into believing I was pregnant somehow).

      I will post again with an update.

      Thanks again so much.

      #126; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:28:00 GMT
    • Gabry,

      I'm so sorry for what's happened :( It's a roadblock for sure!

      I'm not certain of all of your details, but to me it sounds like a blighted ovum. If things stopped growing around 7 weeks, you'd be able to see an embryo on u/s unless it was hiding somehow.

      When I had a blighted ovum, my sac measured about 6 weeks and I was 9 weeks when it was discovered.

      Rather than sit and wonder, call your ob and have them explain it to you. There's no reason why you have to sit in the dark. Knowing every detail, or at least having a firm grasp on what happened will help you to recover!! It might also be interesting to have the u/s report if there is one.

      If you pass everything on your own and you want to take a good look, you will probably be able to see an embryo in the sac if there is one. When I passed mine I did that and of course didn't find anything.

      From the day I discovered the blighted ovum till it actually passed was about a week's time. I hope it goes as quickly for you!

      Take care,

      Karen

      #127; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:29:00 GMT
    • My loss was about 10.5 weeks, and it looked like the fetus had not grown since 6-8 weeks.

      I started spotting, then bleeding, then cramping/bleeding--this took about 4 days to progress--and then it all stopped, went back to spotting. Went in finally for an ultrasound, and when the dr. did his manual exam I started cramping bad. He pulled the fetus out--it was coming out--without asking me--this was not OK with me...

      I am going to be blunt here on appearance, jsut to warn you. I tend toward accuracy rather than discretion.

      It looked about the size of my thumb, and was not like a baby at all--a doula friend said decomposition can start pretty fast once there isn't any life, so that is probably why. The Dr put it in formaldehyde (again without my permission), and by the time I got to look at it w a midwife later it looked basically like cooked chicken liver. Brown and rubbery. We could see the umbilical cord.

      Anyway, from the drs office I went for ultrasound, then to a pharm to get rhogam, then back to the dr to get the shot, all the while cramping really bad. It was horrible, horrible horrible. I wish I had waited another day for the u/s, maybe I would have miscarried at home in peace. :( I bled heavily for a few days, then not so much for a week maybe. Exhausted.

      #128; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:30:00 GMT
    • I am waiting for my m/c, I have been experiencing light bleeding for a week. Five days ago at 9 wks 4 days an u/s showed my baby/sac stopped growing at 6 wks 3 days. They don't think it was a baby at all, it sounds like a blighted ovum from what I've read. I have two little girls, they will be one and three within the next two weeks and I am petrified that I will m/c on one of their birthdays; I am so confused...I feel like I will be pregnant with a dead baby forever, even though logically I know that I will eventually m/c...will post more info when I have it.
      #129; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:31:00 GMT
    • It happened today. I posted a few days ago after I got the news that I would be miscarrying. I did call the ob on monday to clarify what they saw on the ultrasound and she told me there were two yolk sacs, and evidence that there had been two embryos developing! Strange, how I still thought that was exciting news..

      Anyways, I had been spotting from saturday on, then this am (tuesday) started having occasional cramps and light bleeding. I actually went to work today and did ok. This evening I had about 30 minutes of stronger cramps and bleeding, a few small clots, and then I passed the gestational sac, containing the two yolk sacs. It was a little over an inch in diameter maybe, and tough in consistency (it came out past a tampon). We opened it carefully, but couldn't find anything that looked like an intact embryo. They did say it seemed development had stopped at 6-7 weeks, so they had probably disintegrated already. A pp mentioned a smell, fortunately I didn't notice that at all.

      I know it's not finished yet, but the cramps have subsided for now and I have moderate bleeding. Even though I had almost wished for a harder time, to validate the pregnancy, my emotions, I do now feel thankful that probably it will not be very painful or protracted.

      Dh and I studied it for a while, cried for a while, discussed possibilities of what to do with it for a bit, and then put it in the freezer until we decide (thanks to op for having this idea so we can decide these things without pressure).

      Edited to add: The placenta followed a full 24 hours later, with mild cramping and bleeding. It was about 3x4 inches, dark red, fleshy.

      Thanks again so much for sharing all your stories and helping me prepare for this. I feel at peace right now, confident that our babies are in a safe and peaceful place, and hopefull they'll come back to us one day.. We will be ready for them.

      #130; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:32:00 GMT
    • Thank you for this thread. I feel it is just what I need now- to talk about my loses. I am at the exact same point in this pregnancy as I was whaen i lost my first baby. I have had two losses, but my second was at 21 weeks and i don't know where that fits-not quite a miscarriage he was born alive, not a still birth? I'll talk about that some other time.

      It was my second pregnancy. Aric was 12.5 months old and just learning to walk. At 10 weeks I started feeling better and noticed an increase in my milk supply. I thought I was lucky to have things going so well. At my first OB visit, the baby measured about 2 weeks behind and the heartbeat was unsure. I thought I had seen it. I feel now that she was dying then. A week later I started spotting and did so on and off for a couple of days. After talking to my OB I decided to go ahead with my plans to to go to a friends about 1.5 hours away and take care of her dog while she went out of town. The night I got there, I started bleeding like a period and cramping. I had a rough night as the dog miissed my friend and I was scared to death about the pregnancy. I slept some, about 4 in the am I awoke to very heavy labor like pains. I got up the dog wanted out and didn't come back, my son was sleeping ing the bed so I didn't want to leave to look for the dog. She eventually did and Iput her in her kennel. After about an hour I had a pop and a gush of watery blood. Then lots of blood. I just sat on the toilet and it sounded like I was peeing, but it was blood. I called my OB and he recomended going to the nearest hospital because of the blood loss. I called DH told him what was up. He was a good 1.5 hours away or more as morning rush hour was starting. Then I got dressed, got DS and went to the hospital, the same one DS was born at. It only took me a half hour from when I put the pad on to when I was brought in to the ER, an OB room in back. By the time I got there, blood was running down my legs and clots were coming out. The nurses saved the clots and looked through them for the baby. The ER dr had never seen a woman bleeding so much and couldn't see my cervix for the blood pouring our of it. He called OB and had me moved to the front of the ER so I could be put on heart moniters. Blood was typed for me. Meanwhile a nurse had taken DS, in his stroller and pushed him around a bit until he fell asleep. Then left him with me.

      OB came, an attending and a resident, and examed me. It was hard as I was in this tiny room with no OB equipment. I was to have an US and then go from there. A admissions clerk came to ask me some questions and woke up DS, but fortunatly DH walked in right then. I started going into shock and feeling sick and dizzy. I was taken for my US and no baby was seen, just cloted material. i was told I had probably passed the baby earlier. Meanwhile my bleeding slowed down. Iwas still taken for a D&C soon as it could be arranged. The attending couldn't make it due to a lecture or something at the same time the OR was avaible so the dr who took care of me during Aric's pregnancy voluntered to do it for me. The resident followed me all along and kept me very informed as to what was going on. When I was taken up to OR waiting room the two guys who moved me were supprised at the blood I left behind on the stretcher they moved me on. DH and DS had left for a bit when it was decided I would have the D&C. Apparently when I put the dog in the kennel, I ididn't fasten the latch and she got out. made a huge mess, not to mention the blood on the toilet. DH called someone else to take the dog.

      The OR was so cold. My dr came in and talked to me before they put me under and I was so glad to see her. When I came too I had IV's alll over and all three bags of blood hanging above me and people all around the bed. Apparently my crit and blood pressure took a nose dive during surgery. I was kept over night in the amblutory unit until my numbers stabilized. DH had come back to the hospital by then. After I was taken to my room i asked to see DS. I was told he couldn't come to the room, could I go to the waiting area to see him? I needed to nurse him. Next thing I know DH and DS were walking in my room. DS nursed so much he almost puked all over. Then wanted to walk, he had just started walking across the room the night before. That evening the resident came and went over every thing that had happened with me. A baby was found during the D&C and was bigger than the first US had indicated, closer to the twelve weeks I was. I wanted to ask about the baby, was she cut during the procedure, what would happen to her, but couldn't bring myself to. I was given the option of sending her for testing and I took it. A month later we found out she was a girl and had Turner's Syndrome. (Missing a X chromosome-98% of these pregnancies miscarry) It really helped me to know that my body took care of a baby that couldn't survive and that she should have been mioscarried like she was.The resident also made sure I had a breast pump to use through the night. I am so glad she was there to follow me.

      The next morning DH took DS to a nanny friend befrore work and she picked me up when I was released. She brough me over to my friends with the dog. DS and I took a long nap toghether then I drove home to DH. I had very light bleeding for a week. But it took me a good three weeks to regain my strenth and feel back to my self because of the blood loss. Apparently they don't fill you up all the way with a transfusion, just enough.

      We got pregnant again after my first AF. Only to loose that baby at 21 weeks. That's another story. This one is long enough.

      #131; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:33:00 GMT
    • I can't think of the words to say but want to give you a :hug
      #132; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:34:00 GMT
    • I had my m/c after bleeding for 10 days. I had some cramping on a Tuesday, then a little more the next day, and the placenta passed, I bled for 4 more days and that was it. I called the doctor to see if it was really a m/c because it didn't hurt like I was expecting. When the placenta came out I was standing and folding the clean diapers, with only a little more cramping. It felt like "mini-labor" but I can't say that it hurt. We had found out 8 days before the m/c (when we were 9 1/2 wks) that the sac had stopped developing 3 wks prior; at 6 1/2 wks. I dug part of the placenta out of the toilet but saw nothing that resembled an embryo. I'm not sure if there was ever a baby in the sac or if it was empty; I had really wanted to find the sac so I would know for sure, but I couldn't find that either.
      #133; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:35:00 GMT
    • I miscarried my fourth child June 26, 2004. I accidentally stumbled across this thread, but I've been thinking a lot about the baby I lost because the one year anniversary has just passed.

      I was just a few days shy of 7 weeks pregnant when the spotting started. I had spotted with my three previous pregnancies (which all ended in healthy sons), so at first I wasn't too worried. However, I had not had any signs of morning sickness with this pregnancy and that WAS unusual for me. The spotting started as just brown "old blood", but over the next few days turned pink. When I called my midwife, I was told that everything was probably fine, but to call back if the bleeding became heavy.

      I was also starting to have dreams of miscarriage. In retrospect, I knew this pregnancy was not right. The spotting, the lack of sickness.. I just didn't feel pregnant. I called my midwife back after the third day of spotting and asked if I could be seen. It was a Friday, and I knew that if I would be left worrying alone over the weekend if I wasn't checked.

      By the time I got to the midwife's office, the bleeding had increased enough to need a light pad. At first my midwife refused my request for an ultrasound (saying it would be inconclusive), but after examining me and seeing the increase in bleeding, she agreed to send me over the the hospital for an ultrasound. I will never forget sitting in her waiting room and calling dh at work telling him "it doesn't look good" and to meet me at the hospital in an hour. I even remember the song playing on the radio when I drove across the street. I was crying so hard it's amazing I didn't get in an accident.

      I met dh at the hospital and we waited awhile until called back for the ultrasound. I was terrified when the tech inserted the vaginal ultrasound - I didn't want to see our baby dead inside of me. But our baby *wasn't* dead - as soon as the image became clear, the tech said, "Well, you're still pregnant" and I could see the flicker of the heart. The tears just fell down my cheeks. Dh squeezed my hand as we saw our child for the first and last time.

      We were told by the tech that with the amount of bleeding I was having that it could go either way. Everything might be fine. Or not. We went home that evening with some hope.

      My bleeding seemed to ease off a bit as the evening wore on and turn from red to rusty brown. I had a few moments where I thought everything was going to be fine. But right before I went to bed that night, I noticed that the bleeding had turned deep red again and my heart sunk.

      The rest of the night is a blur of grief. I cried myself to sleep while dh held me. Sometime in the early morning, I awoke to a huge gush and rushed to the toilet. I was bleeding very heavily and a clot about the size of a kiwi dropped into the toilet. I didn't fish it out as I was too grief stricken and felt all the hope drain from my body. I knew the baby we'd seen alive just hours ago was now gone.

      Over the next few hours, I had several similar big gushes and lost kiwi-sized clots. I never saw the baby, but I suspect I may have passed the placenta a day later. I bled heavily all day Saturday and Sunday and then it slowly eased off over the next 8 days. Throughout the miscarriage, I had no physical pain at all. Not a single cramp. I had a followup ultrasound on Monday and my uterus was completely empty.

      My midwife didn't show very much empathy. She must see it often enough that it's "old hat" for her. However, on the Monday after the m/c, she was out of the office and I saw one of her partner midwives who I'd never met. She was INCREDIBLY empathetic and I will never forget her kindness or the much needed hug she offered. To this day I think I should write her a thank you card and tell her how much her empathy meant to me on that particular day.

      I'm also incredibly thankful for the ultrasound we had just hours before the miscarriage. It truly validated (for me and dh) the pregnancy. There WAS a baby.. OUR baby.. and he lived before he died.. if only for a few short weeks. He had a living body and a heartbeat. I really had to push my midwife to "let" me have the ultrasound. To her it was unnecessary and did turn out to be, as she predicted, "inconclusive" of the outcome... but it ended up meaning the world to dh and me. It was our only chance to meet our fourth child. I feel my heart coming to my throat as I type this..

      I had a dream the night after the miscarriage about giving birth to two perfect beautiful twins - a boy (Benjamin) and a girl (Savahhna). It was a heartwrenching dream at the time. It was also very hard talking to our children about the miscarriage. They didn't understand why the baby died. They wanted to know if they could ask God to give us another baby.

      We conceived our fifth child just 17 days after the miscarriage. I never had a miscarriage dream with that pregnancy. I had dreams about beautiful living babies.

      I didn't know which of the "twins" I'd lost until an u/s of our subsequent pregnancy revealed I was carrying a girl. We named our daughter Samantha.

      I had another dream after she was born that I was out shopping and had left my newborn twins at home with Dh. I asked dh what he thought it meant that I was still dreaming of twins and he said.."You haven't forgotten".

      I will forever hold Benjamin in my heart. I keep the 8" x 10" ultrasound printout they gave me of him on the refrigerator (which sounds really trailer trash as I write it.. *sigh*). Even though it's been a year and his baby sister is 3 months old, I don't have the heart to take it down yet.

      Huge <<hugs>> to any mamma who is reading this as she is experiencing a miscarriage. It is so so hard. Don't let anyone make you feel like any of your emotions are wrong or not valid.

      #134; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:36:00 GMT
    • Thank you all for this thread. It has helped me a lot. I am right now "waiting to miscarry". I am about 6w4d and had an us done yesterday after a few days of spotting. She saw nothing in my uterus, not even a sac. Somehow it just never really started. My hormone levels were too low. I'm due to go back next week for more levels and another us, but I really didn't know what to expect otherwise. I'm so glad I found this thread. At least now I'm not afraid.

      Kristin

      #135; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:37:00 GMT
    • This has been a great resource for me and I am glad its here. I'm ready to add my story.

      I was 11wks 2day on Tuesday July 19 and that late afernoon I noticed blood and fluid on my pad (I decided to wear a pad that day because I'd been feeling wet lately) and I knew what it ment. I went to the hospital because my doctor said to call him right away if it happened and being evening I couldn't call him. Well, I waited 3 hrs but I was just not a priority, there were way more messed up people then me and I wasn't bleeding heavy, so I went home. The next morning I called my doctor and seen him at 11am and went for an u/s at 3pm. I saw our little bean and that realy got to me. I still cry when I think about it. It measured 8wks so that was when it stopped growing and passed on. That was about the time my morning sickness started getting better and for the last two week I'd been feeling great. I thought I was feeling too good to be true.

      The bleeding got heavier through out the day and I started passing clumps of tissue. By suppertime I started cramping more and had a burst of fluid, so the amneonic sac broke and by midnight I started getting labour like pains, I took some Tyenol (sp?) and two hours later I passed a fair sized clump that was the baby. It just looked like a mass of red tissue. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom instead of soaking pads because I could feel when a gush was comming on.

      The next day (yesterday) the bleeding tapered off and today its almost done. It hasn't been that bad of an experience and for that I am grateful. If I had to miscarry I had hoped it wouldn't turn into a nightmare as some can. I see my doctor next Wednesday for followup.

      #136; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:38:00 GMT
    • I was one of the unfortunate few who's baby was living the day before.

      I went in for an ultrasound July 11th and the baby was doing fine. I was put through a lot of stress that day so I think that probably contributed. I had been bleeding for 2 weeks already.

      The next morning when I woke up about 11 am, I started feeling very sick. It wasn't like regular cramps. I felt a pop and I guess it was my water breaking. I suddenly felt better so I started to get up. That's when all the fluid and blood was running down my legs. I screamed for my husband.

      When he was trying to sit my down on the couch I screamed "he's coming out!"

      I got in the empty bathtub and reached down and got the baby out. He was perfectly formed. The placenta was still in place. His umbilical cord was snapped. I screamed like I was insane.

      Once I came down, I got redressed to go to the hospital.

      I felt worse than I ever had in my life. I wanted to die just to get rid of the emotional pain.

      I passed several baseball sized blood clots and went in for a D&C for the retained placenta. I woke up from the anestheitic (sp!) crying and swearing.

      I've woken up crying every day since.

      We buried him last Monday morning in his own grave. He was born whole, a human and should have all the respect a baby born at 40 weeks still should have.

      http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v147/Ethereality/mountainview.jpg

      http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v147/Ethereality/harlanscasket.jpg

      #137; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:39:00 GMT
    • In my 6th week I started spotting a little, but I wasn't too concerned because I'd had spotting with my first pregnancy. Flash forward to Tuesday of week 7...

      I started bleeding heavily, like a normal period, but with a lot more clotting. I also had small bit of some tissue that looked like lasagna (sorry, only thing it looks like) that I assume was the placenta. I didn't bleed much when I was lying down, but when I went to the bathroom I would pass a lot of blood and clots, some about half the size of my fist. At this point it was just like my normal period.

      By day 6 of heavy bleeding (Mother's Day :( ) I went to the ER and they did an ultrasound. There was an "area of fluid" near my cervix that the Dr. said was probably the remains of the fetal pole or amniotic sac. Everything looked great, so they didn't recommend a D&C. Had I gone before everything was "cleaned out" they probably would have.

      I began taking false unicorn/lobelia capsules on Tuesday evening and I really believe that's what made everything come out so cleanly.

      #138; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:40:00 GMT
    • I've had several losses. I'll post a new reply for each loss. I just typed and typed. Yes, I know I was only 13, and to clarify what you will find out, I was legally emanicapted (sp?) when I was 12 and I got my hardship liscence just after my 13th birthday.

      Anyways... on to my losses. :(

      #139; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:41:00 GMT
    • First, there was Tyffa Ellyabeth Turbyfill. I wanted to name her Tyffa Marie Ellyabeth Nia Aiquriana Turbyfill. I was only 13 when she was born. When I was 8 months pregnant, I started having contractions and I was scared out of my mind because I was all alone and I had my cousin Roman (6 at the time) and Cameron (months old, just got home from NICU) at home with me. I was raising them. Long story, the foster system there was terrible so they just left them with me since I was already a "legal adult". (emancipated) Anyways, I had contractions and I knew what was happening. I bend over in pain as I carefully pack up Cameron's medicine, apnea monitoring machine (preemie plus he had CF), and I carefully put Cameron into his infant car seat. It was a special kind where he lies flat. I pick up the car bed and ask Roman to grab the bags. He does as I say. We head out to my blazer and get in. I bend over in pain again. I drive carefully out of the mountains, trying to get to the hospital. Couldn't bear the pain so I change my mind and decide to go to my great-aunt Loyd's. (nurse) She sees me pull up, immediately runs up to me, yells for my cousins to help me get the boys in the house. I sit on their couch and she's coming and fast. She got stuck, since I was so young... but they managed to twist her around so her head would come out. She was so purple. She got stuck again, her shoulders... When her head finally emerged, Loyd frowned and just got so quiet. She wordlessly finished getting her out and wrapped her in a towel and walked off. I saw her... the cord was tightly around her neck and under her shoulder then over the shoulder. When I pushed, the cord tightened more and more. She was dead when she was born. I held her and accepted it that she died. The father was a family member (rape) so I felt it was no surprise but I still grieved for the loss of her. I had an extra crib at home, which would remain empty. We took Tyffa's body to the hospital for them to look over, as it's illegal for us to just up and bury her. After they confirmed she died during birth, not after, they gave us the body back. We went up on our family mountain and buried her next to my great grandmother. It simply says "Baby girl Turbyfill" on her grave. She died June 9, 1993. She would have been turning 12 next week...

      She had my nose and the cutest peak of thick brown hair on the top of her head. Even though she was purple and limp, somehow, her cheeks still were plump with those little cute lips. You know, that lip where the upper lip has two peaks and the bottom lip is full and pouty. She had weird shaped ears, however. there was no "covering" of the earhole... you know how everyone has a triangle of flap to cover the holes in the ears? Tyffa didnt have that. I don't know what it's called, but I'm sure it has a name.

      today, nobody can get up to that small family graveyard... it's on top of a mountain and it happens to be deep in the Pistaguah National Forest and the trees naturally grew all around it. The road to it is gone now. Amazing how much changes in just ten years if you leave nature alone. Well, I guess it's not impossible, but... it will be pretty darned hard to get to, so hard that we were unable to bury my great granpa George next to my great grandma- we put him in the Cranberry Cemetery.

      #140; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:42:00 GMT
    • June 14, 1996...

      I had a miscarriage and I didn't name this one for some reason. I was 15. The father... LONG STORY! It was a job gone wrong. Let's leave it at that.

      Anyways, I realized I was pregnant when I suddenly had regular periods. Weird, but that's how I knew, since they're usually erratic. I didn't bother going to the doctor, (homeless and working for someone at the time). I estimate I was about 15 weeks along when I started to cramp and I sat on the toliet thinking I had diaherra.

      I found out I was wrong when I had a "ball" drop into the toliet, and suddenly, lots of blood that the toliet water turned red.

      I finish passing it and I stand up and look at it. I get a cup, scoop it out, and I decide to take it to the hospital.

      They confirmed it was a baby. That's pretty much it. I was very uninvolved with this one... probably because I had to harden myself while living on the streets.

      #141; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:43:00 GMT
    • And for Dustin...

      Suddenly, he started coming fast on August 13th, 1998. They pumped me full of steriods, hormones, the works. It didn't work, and he came anyways. He had some kind of reaction to one of the drugs they gave me to help him and died while still inside me. I WAS SOOOOOOOO SCARED when all of a sudden my room was full of what seemed the entire floor's nurses and doctors and they were searching for Dustin's heartbeat, to no avail. They did an ultrasound and found that he had died. I felt so helpless, even worse because everybody was talking and they had forgotten to get me an interpreter. (I'm deaf. and I can't read lips) They simply scrawled on a notepad "He's dead. You still need to deliver." I had so many questions but they were too busy to write on paper back and forth...

      It was so hard giving birth knowing he was already dead. I told them "No more drugs! Not even pain! Look at the damage you did!" and I did it naturally. I even grabbed a stryrnge that the nurse was about to put in my IV and threw it across the room, it stuck in the wall. I was that mad and confused. Labor was 14 hours and pushing was 20 minutes. Dustin was perfect. He was born August 15, 1998, but already gray. The cord was not even anywhere near his neck. It was a perfect position- down between his legs as he came out. He was 5 pounds 11 ounces, 19 inches long. His ribs did stick out, but I think he could have survived just fine otherwise. He had that same pointy brown soft long hair that Tyffa and Trinity had... his "sack" did look weird- "empty". I think his testicles did not descend or something like that. I'm trying to remember what else about what he looked like. I can't seem to focus on specific details except those.

      The hospital did something unbelievable. They "disposed" of him as though he was medical waste. I was stunned. They had put him in the incerator along with various body parts from other surgeries. Every time I drove by the hospital, I'd look at that big chimney and just cry and cry.

      I tried to start a lawsuit, but they quickly harassed me when they found out I was pregnant again, with Trinity, calling me neglectful and unfit.

      It was heartbreaking to not have anything to remember Dustin by, except that ugly chimney. He was not an abortion... he was my son.

      He would have turned 7 this year.

      #142; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:44:00 GMT
    • I was about 12 weeks pregnant when I started to bleed. They couldn't stop the bleeding so they had to get her out. They did this thing where they opened up my cervix and they actually took this long metal thing and scraped down my insides. It was amazingly painful! I saw her come out. She was kind of like a tiny 3 inch red alien; yet at the same time I found her beautiful. Aaron named her because he wanted a daughter to have the same initials as him like Trinity had my initials (I didn't even realize he did until he was a few months old). They scooped her up and just left the room. They said she was classified as "medical waste" too.

      This one is short because not much to say about it. I was still breastfeeding at the time so... I'll never know what happened.

      This was June 3, 2000. Trinity was about 7 months old, maybe 8. I still had an infant to keep me busy and distracted from what I had gone through if that made sense?

      That fall, I enrolled in college just to distract myself and it was a good thing I did.

      #143; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:45:00 GMT
    • Next, there was MaKalaye Kymberleigh. That was June 17, 2001. Yep, Father's Day. After that, Aaron just plain stopped caring about kids and started being worse and worse.

      I was 24 weeks pregnant when she turned upside down and I had contractions. The hospital was still wary of me because of my lawsuit so they wouldn't help me or anything. I was sitting in my room, all alone, having contractions and I was begging for that medicine where it stops contractions. They reminded me that when Dustin was born, that I told them I did NOT want drugs of any kind. I was stunned. This is obviously a different situation.

      I had contractions for only 6 hours when I "lost" my plug and I was 3 cm. dilated. The nurse checking my cervix accidentally broke my water, so at that point; there was no choice but to deliver. I was pissed, scared, and confused all at once yet again. I had contractions for another 4 hours and she came into the world. My god, she was perfect, but she was red. They said it's because the skin was still transparent and I was seeing the blood vessels, etc. She was whimpering and her chest went up and down really fast. I mean, lightning fast. How could a baby possibly breathe THAT fast? anyways, she was alive. I was stunned. I thought she'd be dead. I had hopes that were quickly squashed. She can't be intubated or get iv's or anything. She was just a week too early for them to do that saving stuff. Their policy is 25 weeks or higher only. Other hospitals maybe has lower age, but this one was strict. So I held her to my bare chest. I felt her twitch her tiny pencil size arms and legs. I studied all of her little toes and fingers. There wasn't any fingernails, surprisingly. Just...fingers. I put my tiny pinkie in her mouth to see if she would suckle as a pacifier but quickly took my finger out! The top of her mouth was still soft or something. She was like 8 inches long- that's a guess. They never measured her. About the length of my hairbrush anyways. After about half an hour, she curled up (pulled her legs in and tucked her arms in by her chest) and I could see the pulse in her head get fewer and fewer until it finally was barely noticeable. At that point, I just stopped looking at her and put my jaw upon her head and pulled her up so that she was on my neck and I closed my eyes, concentrating really hard on feeling her heart and her breathing as they slowed down. I remember the moment she died vividly. For such a fragile human being, I could still feel her life leave... the moment her heart stopped, it was like she suddenly got heavier and dropped. I just left her there up on my chest by my neck just to memorize her, caressing her with my fingers. After a while, I lean forward and let her come off my chest and I cradle her in my palms and I look at her. Her right eyelid was somewhat open and I could see the eyes were turned up. I think it's that moment I realized she was gone. I started to finally cry and cry I did.

      The nurse came in and asked me to pee in a cup, blah blah, so I go into the bathroom. I come out and MaKalaye is gone! I wanted to take her home to bury or to have her cremated or something... I wanted her remains. They wouldn't tell me where she went. I was so sick to my stomach and I collapsed and for months afterward, I had this thing where I just feel sick to my stomach and shake all over.

      It's not a shaking that's noticeable, but you would feel it if you put your hand on me.

      Anyways... after this, I got fed up and went to the state. It paid off. They have been reported to BBB, the medical boards, etc etc and three doctors lost their licenses- Dr. Karageorge, Dr. Steinman, and Dr. Lynn and several nurses were transferred to other wings. Apparently, they did this kind of thing to other families.

      I still didn't trust the hospital and thankfully, I got a doctor that I liked... Dr. Fay and I was transferred to be a patient of Inland Hospital instead. (other hospital in town).

      #144; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:46:00 GMT
    • Nathaliel Silas (November 23, 2002)

      and

      Ariana Chailyn (June 7, 2003)

      both of them, same kind of things happened. I was about 14 weeks pregnant with both and they somehow got smaller and smaller... and they just... disappeared into my body. No miscarriages... nothing came out. It just... one minute they were there, the next they were not.

      Dr. Fay was baffled and did all kinds of blood work. I loved Dr. Fay, by the way. She was great, compassionate, understanding, and she was furious about what Thayer did. She asked for the records and got them all. She was furious so I knew she wouldn't do that to me.

      I hope Ariana is the last child I ever have to lose

      #145; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:47:00 GMT
    • :scratch *sigh* :(
      #146; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:48:00 GMT
    • Naturallia,

      wow... I can't even imagine going through half of the things that you have gone through. I know that you must have heard this before and it is not very comforting, but... YOU ARE SO STRONG! I also hope that Ariana is the last child that you have to lose. Why we are put through these painful experiences, I don't know. But I believe that you are never given more than you can handle, so that says a lot about you :Hug I wish you the best of luck and I hope your days are filled with more happiness. :grouphug

      #147; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:49:00 GMT
    • Thanks.

      I now live in Springfield, Missouri. the lawsuit got too expensive to keep on going, so I just moved out of state. I have a new life now.

      New home, new man, new doctors. But now I'm infertile! Ugh, frustrating!!!

      I've been ttcing since that happened. still haven't gotten pregnant! I hope that i'm able to get pregnant before Michael and I get married August 13, 2006. :)

      I just feel my biological clock ticktocking away.

      #148; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:50:00 GMT
    • My Missed MC :crying at 13wks1day

      My first u/s was on 7/1/05 the midwiefe meauread the baby at 6wks 4days i knew that was wrong right then since i should have been 10wks or so then.

      7/12 i just start gushing red blood:crying i go to the ER and sorta told that i am deff having a m/c. was also told my uterus was aroudn the 11wk mark and that what was inside was still the 6wk4day range.

      7/19 i went into horrible labor early in the morning i finally passed the baby , it was deff like the say it looks whiteish grey. so i put it in a baggy and took it to me with my doc appt that had been set up n 7/1 becayuse she wanted to wait 2wks do another u/s to check for a heartbeat adn re measured. so then they sent it donw to the lab and they found out that i did pass it totally intact.

      #149; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:51:00 GMT
    • Hi Everyone! My first time to post on this thread. I just had a miscarriage this Tuesday, August 2nd- I was 12w4d. Found out on Monday afternoon that baby had died within last 24-48 hours- it was the exact size it should have been. No heartbeat with excessive edema under skin- doctor said could have been Turner's Syndrome girl. At 9w5d (previous OB appt.), there had been a strong heartbeat of 160 bpm, so I assumed, or at least hoped that everything was progressing.

      Mine was a missed abortion- closed cervix, no bleeding or cramping. Doctor recommended D+C, which I wanted. I can't imagine allowing the fetus to pass at home- just not for me. Plus, at 12+ weeks, there could be risk of severe blood loss and infection- I'm really bad with blood. Procedure went smoothely; I had general anesthesia.

      I'm still spotting red/translucent with bits of brown tissue. I'm hopefull that my DH and I can bounce back and start again in 3 months. This was my first pregnancy, and we were able to concieve the 2nd month. I soooo don't want to go through this again. It's getting better everyday, but I still breakdown- especially when talking to friends for the first time, seeing flowers, hearing today that my childhood best friend just delivered a baby boy the same day as my miscarriage- even though I'm so happy for her- they had tried for over 2 years to just get pregnant.

      It's really a comfort to hear everyone's stories- it makes me feel less alone. Thanks for listening!

      -klenna

      #150; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:52:00 GMT
    • HUGS Klenna

      i'm shocked that the night i went to Er when the bleeding started and they didnt offer me a D&C when it was confermed what i already knew on 7/1 but no one believed me on how far i should have been :irked:

      #151; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:53:00 GMT
    • You are a strong woman! I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Buckets of luck to both of us next time around. My husband and I will keep trying for our first baby.

      -klenna

      #152; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:54:00 GMT
    • They didn't offer me a DC either.
      #153; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:55:00 GMT
    • In a weird way it is almost theraputic to read all these posts.

      Mine is almost the same as the Original Poster's post. I found out on Tuesday that my pregnancy was a Blighted Ovum because they had taken blood last week just to see how the numbers were doing and they went down significantly. Started spotting Wednesday, light bleeding yesterday and today had medium bleeding with little clots. Around 3pm I was lying with my DD on the couch watching a movie and felt a gush and though, "I just put on a new pad, it'll be OK" then a second right after. I had soaked through EVERYthing and when I got to the bathroom there was another big gush. I just sat there a while and looked at everything. I never saw any whitish material but there was a handfull of big chunks that looked like placenta.

      I did want to say thanks to everyone for posting there stories!

      #154; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:56:00 GMT
    • Hugs Hugs Hugs
      #155; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:57:00 GMT
    • I just found out that the couple who lives next to us (our age- early 30s) is pregnant and due on Feb 16- I was supposed to be due on Feb 12. There is no way I would say anything to them about my week now. So I'd had a good day, but now I'm totally bummin'. She was talking about all her symptoms, as in "this is what you can expect when decide to have a baby...". It's o.k.- she didn't know. I didn't want to spoil her exciting news.

      -klenna

      #156; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:58:00 GMT
    • Major Hugs Klennna on having to deal with the neighbor talking about her preggo symptoms HUGS
      #157; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:59:00 GMT
    • It's been more than a month since my second miscarriage and I'm still dealing with it.

      Both of my miscarriages happened suddenly a day or two after very very light spotting. The first happened at 10 weeks while my husband and I were out on a date. We had just finished eating and I headed to the bathroom before we continued our date. When I stood up, I felt something drop between my legs. I wasn't too worried, just knew I had to go to the bathroom. When I got to the bathroom and sat down, blood just poured out. I was stuck in the bathroom, bleeding. I had left my purse and cell phone with my husband, so I couldn't call him or anyone and it was one of those bathrooms without any stalls. That miscarriage passed naturally.

      The second one happened at 17 weeks. I had light spotting again, only this time I called my OB's office immediately and the OB on call thought the symptons sounded like an UTI and recommended I go to urgent care. So we went off to the hospital, and got checked out and the ER dr. did an altrasound and my husband got to see our baby for the first time and we got to hear her (we don't know for certain it was a she, but we know in our hearts) heartbeat again. The look on my husband's face was priceless. The drs. were satisfied that the baby was fine.

      The next day I called my OB to schedule an appointment for that week and the first available appointment open was for the next day. The drs did tell me to take it easy--just short of bed rest. I'm usually a fairly active person--I own my own business that is in its infancy stages--so it was painful, however, for my baby's sake, I spent the next two days lying around the house. On Tuesday, however, I started throwing up again--something that hadn't happened since about 13-14 weeks--and had a fever. When I got to the dr., he thought my symptons were the beginnings of a cold.

      While at the doctor, we heard the heartbeat again. It was a little faster than the last time the dr. listened to it, but he said that was because of the fever I had and that the baby would be fine. I went home and did what the dr. told me to do to break the fever. My husband went out and got me some chicken noodle soup and we spent the rest of the night relaxing.

      During the night I woke up with back pains. I had asked the dr. about the same sort of back pains the week before and he said it was normal, so I didn't worry too much, but as the night wore on, they got worse and worse and closer together. It was to the point that I was about to call and ask what I should do, when I sat down on the toilet (for the millionth time that night) my 17-week baby came out only halfway.

      Having had a miscarriage already and being afraid it would happen again, I yelled for my husband to call 911 because I couldn't possibly go to the hospital in a car at that point.

      In the ER, they didn't do much, except for let me lie on a bed to pass what was still inside. When they thought everything had passed, I was sent home. We got home at 7 a.m., but I couldn't sleep. I'm not sure how many days it was until I really slept again--maybe 3 or 4. My husband and I stayed home from everything that day and took the day early. I was numb at that point, not ready to admit or acknowledge that my baby was gone.

      At about 6 p.m., the back pains and cramps started again, so I called my OB and he told me to head back to the ER to be checked out. It turned out that they found some bacteria in my and when an ultrasound was done (why they didn't do one before releasing me from the ER in the first place, I don't know) it was found that I still had somethings left in. So they gave me antibotics and did a D&C. I was quite frightened to go into surgery, I've never had to have any type of surgery and I really, really had getting fillings done at the dentist and knew this would be much, much worse. I was quite happy to be put out completely and only awoke in the recovery room. I ended up spending the next two nights in the hospital and finally got some sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep. I ended up taking the sleeping pills for nearly a week (I don't like to take any meds, including tylenol, unless absolutely necessary) because I couldn't sleep.

      It turned out that the second miscarriage was caused by me getting Listeria. I'm not sure how, but my OB said that it's something that be caught anywhere.

      I know I'll be paranoid the next time I'm pregnant, but I'm still hopeful that we'll eventually have a baby. It's a bit discouraging that I can get pregnant so easy, but can't make it through a pregnancy.

      #158; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:01:00 GMT
    • I began miscarrying out baby on August 1. I am still expelling tissue. The baby is gone. I know that. The blood is a consistent reminder of what I've lost.

      I was "merely" 6 weeks pregnant when I m/c'ed. But I was connected to this pregnancy in an uncanny way. I knew within days of conception that I was pregnant. I knew that I was having a boy. And he's gone. And there's a huge hole in my heart that will never heal. That's ok. That's what makes me a woman and a mother.

      On August 1 I had a couple of spots of dark brown blood on my pantiliner. No cause for concern, right? And actually, a number of women do spot/bleed during their first trimester and throughout their pregnancies with no miscarriage. My SIL & I were bathing our children together and I felt a trickle. I knew instantly that something was wrong. I hoped I was wrong. But I wasn't. There was bright red blood and tissue on my liner. I knew that was the beginning of the miscarriage. I was out of the country but called into my family practice doctor's office. The doc on call returned my SOS and told me that I was likely miscarrying. He didn't really tell me what to expect . . . or really tell me what to do . . . except to avoid pain killers. (I guess that was because that could increase the blood flow.) The bleeding stopped, and I tried to get some sleep. I was hopeful.

      I woke up a couple of times that night to use the restroom. Each time I wiped away fresh blood. I knew it wasn't a nightmare. I was losing my baby. The next day (Aug 2), I was somewhat in denial. I wasn't in pain, so surely it was just a subchorionic bleed. We got in the van to visit some family, and that's when it all went down hill. I began to cramp severely and contract. I hurt so bad and couldn't grieve. I didn't want to worry my family. I was so uncomfortable I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep going in the car. The bleeding was very heavy. That night I expelled a large fleshy mass that looked placental to me. Since the baby was only the size of a sesame seed, I never found him.

      One of the worst things about miscarriage is how uncerimonious it can be. We throw away dirty sanitary napkins. We flush tissue down the toilet. Some of us are able to bury their losses and somewhat move on. Very few people knew I was pregnant. For most of the world, my pregnancy never existed. And no one on earth knew my baby like I did.

      My body is healing itself and doing its job. Good for it. I'm still bleeding, and even though my friends are worried, I'm not. In fact, I wonder if I'm not actually menstruating? That's what it feels like today, at least. My skin is a disaster. Hormones are nuts. I still cry sometimes.

      I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this experience. What caused the miscarriage? Were my hormones too imbalanced? When can I try to conceive again? Will this happen again? So much doubt. I was so terrified my entire 1st trimester last time, and I told myself that I wasn't going to do that to myself this time. And how am I supposed to approach pregnancy in the future without fear? Faith? I know. Trust? Sure. Well, not so easy for me.

      My soul is a disaster area that has been neglected. I was away this past weekend and able to think. Oh, how hard it is to escape your thoughts when you're left alone with them and only them. How to repair the soul? I dunno.

      I'm thankful for this "sticky" thread. I wasn't able to consult this resource when it was happening to me, but I hope that our diverse experiences and interpretations of them will be helpful to others. If you are reading this, know that an entire community of women grieve for you and hope that you find peace and healing in the future.

      I am just shy of the six week mark. I knew I was pregnant 2 weeks ago, but 'visually' confirmed it with an e.p.t test early Sunday morning. I was at work when I felt blood passing. I got up and wiped about a teaspoon worth. I went back to my desk and saw that I still had a tampon in my purse. Thank goodness, 3 hours later I came home and felt more wetness, when I sat on the toilet, blood began to drip and my tampon was saturated. In both instances I had wiped away black stringy blood.

      I had already announced my pregnancy to my friends and my closest family. I had even video recorded my HPT results and posted it as a bulletin on myspace. I made my CNM (ceritified nurse midwife) appointment yesterday, it was set for the 9th week. My DH bought me an anniversary (which was Monday, 8.20) gift , it was a book for the baby. Pablo had emailed me just this morning that he was excited about 'meeting' gummi bear. I even announced the pregnancy to my supervisor this morning...sigh

      It seems as though I was too eager, yet I was remote. I was still in disbelief that I was pregnant. Why? It truly is a miracle to carry another life, it's makes you think, "How am I capable of this?" Perhaps, my subconscious knew all along that gummi bear (baby's nickname) wasn't going to make it. 50% of miscarriages are the result of a chromosomal defect (i.e. Down's symdrome) so in a way, it may be a blessing.

      I am not sure how to work through it. Emotionally, I was numb until I spoke to my husband on the phone on his way home. When I hung up, I began to well up. I guess, we'll manage one day at a time.

      #159; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:02:00 GMT
    • Well, I guess I feel like writing this out now.

      I had a previous miscarriage at 6 weeks, but that pregnancy felt bad from the beginning. This pregnancy felt good, but I was still fairly paranoid. And this paranoia made it easy to ignore when I started feeling that something really was wrong...

      August 18 was our first midwife visit, I was 10 weeks, we were going to see if we could hear a heartbeat. We couldn't. Despite knowing that it was still early, my midwife was concerned and I was concerned and we decided to go ahead and go in for an ultrasound. Originally, I had said no ultrasounds, but I caved.

      We were able to get in on Monday August 20. And I knew immediately that the baby was dead. It was just too small. I had looked up 10 week ultrasound photos and I knew what we were supposed to be seeing...and we weren't seeing it. And of course there was no heartbeat. And the baby had probably been dead for about 2 weeks (about the time I started feeling really wrong about the whole thing).

      So then we waited. By Wednesday, I was spotting. (Enough that, had we not had the ultrasound, I would have known anyway.) Friday, I felt very, um, hermit-like. I didn't want to leave my cave. Saturday afternoon I started having some cramping, like period cramping, that slowly got worse. Worse than labor, eventually. I found myself in the same labor positions - pacing, then stopping to bend over, going on all fours, etc. At some point, I started really bleeding and soon after that, it seemed pointless to get off the toilet.

      Two hours later, I called my mw who said she needed me to lay down, so I did, getting up every hour or so to gush into the toilet. Nice. After about 3 hours, it seemed to slow down, and I went to bed, knowing it wasn't over, but hoping.

      Sunday, I started feeling crampy again while getting groceries, so went home immediately and started bleeding again. A lot. And clotting, large clots. It just poured out at times. About 3 hours again. By this time, I couldn't walk anywhere without stopping to lay down on the floor every few steps so I didn't pass out.

      It let up, then got heavy again for another hour or two on Sunday night before seeming to stop entirely.

      Monday, DH went to work, and I got up and did some light housework (picking up). I sat down to chat with my son and when I got up, noticed I'd left a bloody buttprint on the floor (wood, fortunately), apparently the bleeding had gotten much worse without my noticing and I completely soaked through a pad in a few minutes. Called DH home for another 2-3 hours of very heavy bleeding and clotting. Then I passed a very large clot that hurt - it hurt inside, almost as if it were tearing away from my uterus as it came out. I'm certain that was the baby now, looking back.

      At the time, I vaguely wondered, but I had lost sooo much blood at that point, I really was not thinking clearly and I didn't have the stomach or stamina to fish it out and look. I wish I had, though. (I have my last miscarried baby and plan to bury it along with some reminders of this baby out in the yard.)

      After that, the bleeding lightened considerably, but was still heavier than even my worst heavy periods, and I used to have some doozies.

      By tuesday, i was feeling pretty bad and agreed with my midwife that if the bleeding was not significantly better by that night, I'd go in to the hospital on Wednesday, but I ended up getting much better and did not go in.

      Nearly a week later, the bleeding is very light, I'm very anemic, I'm still feeling weak and lightheaded and I need to rest a lot, and I have a very very horrible headache. And some lovely giant zits.

      #160; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:03:00 GMT
    • This is what I shared from another small chat group.

      I have more sad news to tell and yet in a twist we feel blessed.

      I think I did tell you that last Thursday I started to bleed. I thought maybe I overdid it, and after talking to my midwife decided to have an ultrasound if it got worse. On Friday it seemed to lessen up. Saturday we went to the midwife to try to find a heartbeat. We could not hear one...yet we could not hear one 2 weeks before.

      Saturday the blood was almost nonexistant. On Sunday it started back up again but nothing scary just like light menstrual flow. We were going in to have an ultrasound Monday. We still held on to hope.

      Sunday night I passed the baby. We could see it clearly the little hands. It looked about 9 or 10 weeks along (I was 13 weeks pregnant). I baptized the baby.

      On Monday, we went to Mass. We didnt' know they were having a furneral mass that morning. It was very hard and my husband and I were so overcome with the requiem mass and the singing that we cried silently through the whole thing.

      Later, we were able to bury our little baby on Church grounds where they have an area for that. My mom brought over a little box, cried with me, looked at the baby. We placed the baby in the box ( a very pretty carved box that she had lined and put our family picture in).

      Tuesday we met my mom and sister in law for pizza.I was glad to be distracted and surrounded by all my little nephews and neice not to mention my own However, at the pizza place I passed more clots, which was very traumatic to be scooping these out of a public toilet...I was scared it could be part of the baby This toilet was an automatic flusher! . I wanted to make sure it was buried..

      I brought home with me one of my nephews because he has been wanting to spend the night for so long. Later, we went to the little grave and buried the clots and put a little garden fence around the grave. This helped.

      On Wednesday driving him (my nephew ) back home (they live an hour away) I felt nauseous and just so tired. We dropped him off. On the way back we stopped to eat at Dairy Queen (I thought it was that I needed to eat) I started cramping. I went to the bathroom there and noticed alot more blood and i passed a few more clots. I was confident that these were just normal blood clots and let them go down the drain.

      The cramping got bad and it felt like labour. When we arrived home I got into a warm bath to help relieve the cramps/contractions. I felt a bit better and got dressed to help Jeff get the kids off to bed. While I was holding Thomas and rocking him to sleep the pains got worse and had to leave Jeff with Thomas while I went off to try to cope with the pain.

      I got in a warm bath again. I forget that I really shouldn't be in a bath because of infection...I just knew that the warm water would help with the pain. The contractions got worse I had to pant through them. I would get up and squat and clot and blood would come out. I thought my body was just purging the rest of the placenta out. I would alternate squatting and laying down. Then...out whooshed this ...amniotic sac from my body.

      I was so shocked...it came out in the water and floated like a balloon. it was full..I didn't know what to think.

      The next few minutes were chaos. Me wrapped in a towel, blood running down my legs...getting Jeff. The babies not understanding and David trying to help mommy clean the blood by unrolling the entire roll of toilet paper. Jeff calling the midwife...me in the other tub still bleeding and Thomas standing by the tub, grabbing at mommy.

      the amniotic sac was intact, It was the size of my hand and full. My husband carefully opened it up. Inside was a little baby. This one looked about 6 weeks.I baptized that baby . We were so stunned. We felt so much grief and yet amazed that we had twins.

      Since I was bleeding too much I needed to go in to er. I will skip all the chaos of getting ready, getting my mom...cleaning up...

      The doctor who works with my midwife met us there. we brought along the sac, and everything else. I told Jeff to keep it hidden. He examined me, removed a clot and said i was doing fine the bleeding had stopped. He examined the baby and was amazed, he had never seen in person a baby that small. He was amazed that we were able to find it He told us to keep it out of site so we didn't have a bunch of paper work to fill out in order to keep "our " baby.

      What we think happened is that one baby died, but the second one continued on for another month and that's why the sac was so big for the 6 week old baby. My body thought to just keep growing..

      The doctor was very nice and prayed with us before he left. i feel blessed to have a midwife with this pregnancy, because I don't know if this happened with a regular ob if I would of been able to see as much or would they have made me do a d and c and the babies would not have remained intact.

      Today was hard...we had to dig the grave up again (we want them together) and place the second little "coffin" in. My emotions are so up and down. I fine then I am bawling. This morning I called a bunch of friends to tell them what happened. I was so in awe of what happened, how neat God made everything...and that we have two babies in heaven. Yet, later this afternoon i was so overcome with the fact that I won't see them grow up.

      I need your prayers...I just had to let you ladies know.

      #161; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:02:00 GMT
    • I found this link to be very helpful while I was waiting to miscarry, so here's my story:

      I had miscarried my first pregnancy at 5 1/2 weeks. Emotionally, it was hard, but I had almost no cramps and I only bled for about 3 days (less than my normal monthly period). My midwife said I could go ahead and start trying whenever we wanted, and let me know that often women are very fertile after a miscarriage.

      DH and I found out that we were pregnant again very soon after. We were very excited, but very nervous. For the next 10 weeks, everytime I went to the bathroom, I would get nervous that I would see spotting. Then it happened - when I was just 2 days before hitting the 12 week mark, I started spotting. I called my midwife and she sent me in for some tests. My progesterone and HcG levels were very low. A second HcG test showed the numbers were decreasing. After some discussion with my DH and midwife, we decided to give it a few weeks to try and miscarry naturally. During this time, many people told me I was crazy, but I felt like it was the only way I could truely say goodbye to my little angel.

      Fast forward to what would have been exactly 14 weeks. I had been spotting on and off for two weeks. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon, so I was heading to the store to pick up some bulbs for the yard - I decided to make a perennial flower bed for my lost loved ones. As DH and I pulled into the parking lot, I felt a strange sense of peace and calmness. Then, when I went to stand up to get out of the car, I felt a huge gush. I wasn't sure if I had wet myself or started to miscarry. I checked my pants, and it was very clear that I was beginning the miscarriage. We got back in the car and drove home. When we got home, I decided to get in the shower to clean up myself and my pants. I ended up having a few more large gushes in the shower. Once I seemed to have stopped gushing, I cleaned up, threw the tissue in a container (to bury in the perennial garden) and got dressed again. It was only a few hours after that when I started cramping. I had some very strong menstrual like cramps (back, stomach and legs) for about 4 hours. DH was wonderful and kept recharging my heating pad (putting in the microwave for a minute).

      I was amazed at how peaceful I felt the next morning. I'm still sad that I lost a little angel, but by waiting for the natural miscarriage, I felt I was able to say goodbye and get closure.

      I'm still bleeding a little (mostly just spotting). My midwife wants me to wait until some tests can be run (progesterone levels etc.) until we start trying again.

      Thanks for reading my story.

      -Piper

      #162; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:03:00 GMT
    • My m/c started roughly 2 weeks ago before I even knew I was pg. The bleeding started 3 days before my "normal" cycle was due but it was different. It was very very heavy with a lot of clots. I use a diva cup and had to empty it almost hourly for about 3 days. My regular Dr. refered me to an OB as my iron level was very low from my heavy cycles. So here I was 1 week + into bleedign at the Ob's office. He is talking about my having a cyst and getting a scraping of my uterus the next morning. Well we ran some blood tests and came up with a + blood test with some low numbers. Later in the day I had the u/s which showed a sac but nothing else. We repeated the blood test the next 2 days and my levels rose to almost double. All this time I am still bleeding and only very very light cramping once in a while (not even as bad as AF cramps). Well here we are 4 days after the "high" level of 342 with a level of 71. I am still bleeding almost 2 1/2 weeks after it all started. I have chosen to not have a D&C as they are very invasive but will have one if I really need to.

      Thank you all for sharing your stories with us all. It really shows me how lucky I was.

      #163; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:04:00 GMT
    • I birthed a tiny fetus on 9-11 -06.

      I had no idea i would actually be birthing-!!

      I had light brown spotting for weeks, I felt strange about this but mw were not worried because I had no other symptoms.

      At 10 p.m. 9-10 i started having red blood and knew I was loosing my baby.

      At about 11:30 I finally got my ds to bed(finally) and me on the toilet.

      I caught everything including a tiny fetus with eyes looking at me.

      the fetus was about the size of a kidney bean. I bled a lot and got scared. I had contractions (mild for me compared to full term) every 30 minutes and I would birth more tissue. I birthed the placenta at 3:30 am and knew it was over.

      I went on line to do a search to help me feel ok and what to do next. i didn't know this thread was here, I was looking.

      I called the mw in the morning 2 days later she checked me and went over the remains with me.

      i should also mention I did not want an u/s with this pregnancy and if I had had one I would have known sooner.

      We felt this baby was our baby girl. We have been talking about her for years and even named her. That is the hardest part - the spirt of this child with us. She is buried under a huge cedar in our back yard.

      After thoughts of the whole thing. I felt something was wrong the whole time. sometimes I can be paranoid and I was trying to be OK. There are so many things to worry about already.

      2 days of crying and trying to put my life back together I actually felt this dead energy leave me.

      I have read it takes several weeks for a natural miscarriage and we are still caring this dead baby, dead energy.

      I am ok though. maybe I wasn't ready. Maybe the baby wasn't ready.

      this is the natural process of things and I am ok, and I hope you can also find this healing.

      nothing can emotionally prepare you though.

      #164; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:06:00 GMT
    • Big hugs to everyone...

      One of the worst parts about miscarriage for me has been uncertainty. Before I came across this site, and spoke with some other women that had miscarriages I didn't have a clue what I could expect from this experience. My heart goes out to you if you are waiting and wondering. Be strong and know that your body knows what to do. Talk to other women. They can help you feel more normal and help you understand what is going on. Get lots of hugs and put yourself first, especially now.

      I was 11 weeks pregnant when I noticed the lightest pinkish brown spotting... At first I thought it was probably nothing, but the next morning it was enough to show up on my panty liner. I thought I should go get checked out, just in case. My first prenatal exam for pap smear and blood work was scheduled for the next morning. The doctor did a vaginal ultrasound and said, "Oh, this is a very early pregnancy. You're probably about 5-6 weeks along. I see a little tiny sac right here" and he pointed to a small black spot on the screen. I said, "That's impossible! I had a positive pregnancy test September 22nd." It was October 18th. When I said that his expression sank and he looked a little closer. He couldn't see any sign of life and also thought that he saw cysts on my ovaries. I was not happy to hear that. I have friends with PCOS, and I didn't want it. He said that we might be having a miscarriage. I was instantly devastated. I knew in my heart at that moment that all hope was lost for this pregnancy. He drew some blood to check my HCG levels, and encouraged me to keep my appointment for the next day. I came in the next morning for a pap smear and another blood draw for HCG comparison. He sent me to the hospital for another ultrasound. I waited for what seemed to be forever to hear the news I had expected... They were sure I would miscarry.

      The doctor was pretty vague at telling me what to expect, so I contacted a midwife that I found online. She told me in more detail what to look for... That the bleeding would increase and that I might see large clots being passed and that I might not recognize the embryonic sac in the clots. She told me that if I was SOAKING two pads every half an hour that it was too much blood and I should go to the hospital. She encouraged me to call with any questions, and reminded me to trust my body because it knew what to do. She encouraged me to try to work through the miscarriage at home, because a D&C could be dangerous and unnecessary.

      For the next few days I walked around in a daze, with a painful sadness that was crippling. I burned through an entire box of tissues crying my eyeballs out. I felt hopeless, worthless, suicidal. My three sisters came to spend the weekend with me. Their company was wonderful. I was able to forget about the ordeal for a while, but when they all had to go back to school and work on Monday I was left alone with my thoughts again and went back to uncontrollably sobbing. My poor husband didn't have any idea why I was so sad, and didn't know what to do for me.

      Exactly one week after I noticed the spotting, I began to bleed more heavily and have cramps that were enough for me to be uncomfortable during class. (I'm 30, and going back to school) I came home early, took some Ibuprofen and tried to relax. My symptoms nearly went away for a little while. My sister and her children came over for dinner and left around 9pm. At 11, I was clearing the last of the dinner dishes and cleaning up the kitchen and I started looking around and getting ANGRY about how much stuff was lying around everywhere. I started cleaning like crazy. My husband heard me stomping around and he came up from the computer room. I yelled at him for not taking care of stuff while I wasn't feeling well and told him that he'd better help me find the house under the pile of junk that was burying it. We cleaned like mad for two hours. I even helped him move the bed (which is very heavy) to vacuum under it. All the while, my cramps and bleeding increased until I couldn't clean anymore. They were demanding my complete attention.

      From 1am until 4am the cramps got worse and worse... I could feel them coming and going, like contractions. I breathed through them, tried different positions, sitting, standing, squatting, walking... I continued to pass large clots of bloody tissue that ranged in size from pea size to the size of a silver dollar. At 4am my husband was falling asleep. I sent him to bed. The next two hours were terrifying for me. I was alone, and the pain was unbearable. My uterus clamped down for one solid contraction that lasted over an hour. I was miserable, but it was snowing like crazy, and all of my friends have small children. I couldn’t think of anyone to call. At 7am I called my lover over to help me (yes, I am in a loving relationship with two men, and I'm the luckiest woman alive). He normally gets up at 5am and has a 1.5-hour commute to work, but with the snow it was going to be much longer. When he heard my voice, he was over in a flash. He went through my meds box and found the last Vicodin. Then he took me into the guest room and I laid on my stomach while he gently "walked" his knuckles up and down my sacral spine and pressed on my pelvis and hip joints. He was kneeling between my knees while he pushed on my back, and occasionally he would lie down on me (his belly resting on my butt) and gently rock me back and forth. The pressure helped a lot.

      At 9am my husband got up and took over. My lover had to go to work and he reluctantly kissed me goodbye. The next couple of hours brought the worst pain. At around 10:30, I sent my husband to the pharmacy to get some more pain meds. Once again, I was alone. I thought about going to the hospital, but I wasn't bleeding too much (according to the midwife) and I didn't want them to force me into a D&C. I sat on the couch and said out loud, "Goodbye baby. I'm sorry that things worked out this way. Please come out of there. I love you."

      I was passing large clots of stringy, bloody tissue. Some of them were as big as silver dollars. I examined some of them because I was looking for the baby. They felt a little like cooked pumpkin or spaghetti squash. It was relatively solid tissue, but I could pull it apart without much effort. Some of it was smooth and gelatinous. It reminded me of liver. All of it was a very, very dark red color (almost black) Around 11:30am I had some HORRIBLE contractions that I couldn't speak through, and nothing I did made me more comfortable. I prayed for them to be over soon. Within 20 minutes they subsided considerably.

      My mom came over with some tea and chocolate for me and started to make me some soup. The Vicodin was kicking in and I fell asleep in the recliner for a short time. I woke up suddenly at 12:30 with an urge to run to the bathroom. The minute I sat down I felt something painlessly slip out and heard a little plop into the water. I knew that it had to be the embryo. I fished it out of the toilet with a little net and put it into a baggie to get a good look at it. All I could see was a little sac that was a little over an inch long. There was a lot of blood, but I could tell that it was different than everything else that I passed. The sac had whitish-pink streaks and when I felt around in it I couldn't really feel any sign of the baby. I was amazed at how tough it was. It felt like a very wilted grape with an incredibly thick skin. It was bigger than what the doctor measured on the ultrasound. He thought it was around 8mm, but it was about 2.5 cm long. The sac was attached to some stringy tissue similar to what I noticed earlier. I determined that it must have been part of the placenta.

      I was also amazed at how I was feeling. Physically I was almost back to normal. I was surprised at how strong and good I felt, especially after being up for 32 hours essentially going through labor. Emotionally I was relieved that it was over, a little bit sad, but also a little detached. I was surprised that I didn't break down and sob, but I didn't feel a need to. I showed my mom the little baggie, and she cried. She said some comforting words to me, and I cried a little too.

      I was awake for 32 hours straight and I was ready for some real sleep. I ate a bowl of soup and hit the sack. I woke up at around 9pm, took a shower and got dressed. I felt so much better. My lover came over for a little visit. I was so glad to see him. He stayed the night and got up early for work on Friday.

      Friday evening rolled around, and at about 6pm I started having mean contractions again. I was confused and not happy about it. I thought I was done, but I guess not. Several more clots of blood were passed, but nothing serious. I went through about three more hours of intense contractions, but eventually they settled down again, and I've just had some normal bleeding ever since. I didn't sleep well last night and today I'm feeling very emotional again.

      I hope that telling my story might help someone know what to do or feel a little more confident in what to expect. If you have gone through something like this, please talk about it and help other women know about it. It's ridiculous how little information is available on the subject, when it's such a common occurrence. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost, or are in the process of losing your baby. Let's be there for each other as women, and reach out to those who are needing some support. Keep telling your stories, and share your wisdom.

      -Taryn

      #165; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:06:00 GMT
    • :Hug to everyone.

      This was my 2nd miscarriage and it was much different than the 1st (earlier in this thread). This time I started bleeding heavily at 5 1/2 weeks. I immediately assumed that I was miscarrying because it was similar to the beginning of my last one. But the bleeding only lasted a day, and a few days later I was still testing positive, so I went to the OB to see what was happening. I ended up going to the hospital for an "emergency" transvaginal u/s and the tech showed me my tiny baby with a very strong heartbeat! I was ecstatic, sobbing and hugging the tech. My baby was alive! I couldn't be happier. It turned out that I had a small subchorionic hematoma that had hemmoraged, and might continue to hemmorage throughout the pregnancy, so I was put on pelvic rest just to be safe.

      The next 2 weeks were great, no signs of m/c. I whole-heartedly thought everything was fine this time. 2 weeks later I went in for another transvaginal u/s just as a check-up. This time there was no heartbeat. The baby must have just died prior to the u/s. I was devastated.

      The next 2 weeks were one very long and grueling wait. Nothing. Then the m/c began. The cramping, contractions, lots of bleeding, lots of searching through the toilet for my baby. What looked like a gestational sac popped out but it was dark red and blood-filled so I believe it was the hematoma. I disected it anyway, but no baby. This time I felt a strong POP before I m/c the placenta. But this time it wasn't all in one piece with the gestational sac and baby attached. It was in big and small chunks. And this time no baby. I searched through everything. I don't know what happened to him. Maybe he reabsorbed into my body? I froze the placenta in hopes that the baby would eventually come out so I can bury them complete, like my last. But it's 2 cycles later and it hasn't happened and I don't expect it to.

      This time I am not ready to pick up the pieces and try again. This one made me feel like I truly was just about to lose my sanity.

      When the time feels right I will bury the placenta next to my other baby, on the other side of the young gardenia bush that I bought for my first.

      There is a tiny glimpse of beauty in this. The day after I found out I m/c, the gardenia bush (that I planted with my first) produced it's first gardenia blossom. A big beautiful bright deliciously fragrant blossom...on that tiny new seedling of a gardenia bush. And that was the only blossom it has produced since.

      #166; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:07:00 GMT
    • I posted my story yesterday... I passed the embryonic sac on Thursday morning. Saturday was very emotional but non-eventful as far as bleeding and pain. I had some cramps and I took a lot of pills (Vicodin) to dull my sadness more than anything... Sunday morning (today) my bleeding was very light and seemed like it was going to stop, but about 1/2 an hour ago it kicked in again and I passed another large clot of bloody tissue. Does anyone know how long this could go on?

      Trying not to worry...

      -Taryn

      #167; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:08:00 GMT
    • This past time it lasted almost 2 weeks for me. Lots of off and on, like you said. It was emotionally (and physically) hard for it to last that long, but it helped a little to know that my body knew what it was doing. I just needed to trust it.

      :Hug Mama. From reading all the mamas stories here, it's a completely individual thing. Sometimes it can be a few days and other times it can be months. :Hug

      eta:

      You mentioned that you passed the sac. Did you pass the placenta yet? It looks and feels like thick chicken skin and there is a lot of it (a handful for me, and then some, at 7-10 weeks).

      #168; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:10:00 GMT
    • I don't know if I've actually passed the placenta or not... I've passed several large chunks of tissue that seemed like it could have been parts of the placenta. They were very similar to the tissue that was attached to the sac. If all of the parts were put together, I would say that it might make up a handfull, but I just don't know. I keep feeling like I'm mostly done with this, but then this afternoon surprised me. I'm going in to the doc tomorrow, and I think he's going to do an ultrasound to see what else is hanging out in there. I'm so tired of dealing with this. It's emotionally and physically wearing me out.

      Thanks for the encouragement. I can use all that I can get right now.

      -Taryn

      #169; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:10:00 GMT
    • :Hug Taryn
      #170; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:12:00 GMT
    • :Hug to you all.

      I came to read this thread when I started miscarrying. It helped me so much!

      My husband and I started TTC in September 06 and we got pregnant that first cycle. It took my positive test quite a while to show up, which in retrospect, should have been a sign that something wasn't right. I tested negative at 12, 14 and 16DPO and was sure I'd eventually get my period (even though, at 16DPO, I was already 4 days late). I tested again at 19DPO and got a very strong positive. I was elated, but immediately scared something bad would happen. We didn't tell anyone.

      5 days later (at 5w4d) on Monday October 9th, I was grocery shopping when I felt wetness in my pants. I looked down and couldn't see anything, but finished my shopping up quickly, my heart pounding. I rushed to my car, got in and looked down. There it was -- blood, seeping through my khakis.

      I left my husband a frantic voicemail and drove home, freaking out. Got home, put on a pad. The bleeding had just been a big gush, but didn't continue. My husband finally called, I told him what had happened, I was very upset. He called my midwife's office, they advised us to to go the ER. He came and got me and we went to the ER. We spent 5 hours there. I barely bled at all, they did an u/s and didn't see anything. My hcg levels were normal for someone 5 weeks pregnant.

      That night and the next day I had brown spotting. I felt fairly confident that things might be ok.

      2 days after my ER visit I followed up with the doctor the hospital sent me to. She did an exam and said my cervix was closed. She took more blood to test my hcg levels and said that she thought I was miscarrying. I was annoyed that she'd say that without even knowing my hcg levels. My spotting turned pink right before my visit.

      The next day at work I felt some wetness and went to the bathroom. As soon as I sat down I had a large gush of blood with some tissue come out. Later in the day I had another gush of blood when I went to the bathroom. My spotting was now red. The doctor from the previous day called and said that my hcg levels were the same as Monday and that I should go to the hospital for another blood draw. She blamed the stagnant numbers on a difference in the labs.

      The next day (Friday October 13th) I stopped at the hospital to have my hcg levels tested again and then I went into my midwife's office for the first time. They did an u/s and said that there was still quite a bit in there, and now a small sac could be seen, but it was too small if I was really 6 weeks. They were trying to get my hcg results from the hospital when I left.

      Later that afternoon I finally called them to see if my numbers were in. They were -- they were rising, but not enough. In 5 days they hadn't even doubled. It was confirmed -- I was miscarrying.

      We canceled our weekend plans to stay home. I didn't want to go far from a hospital. But nothing happened -- just the same old spotting. It was scary and frustrating. Sunday afternoon I had some light bleeding and that made me hopeful. The waiting was intense. Over the next few days I had more bleeding, at times it was heavier than a normal period. Then it dropped back off to just spotting. I hated waiting for it to happen, and I was worried I would have a large amount of bleeding when I was at work, in an important meeting, etc. It was really hard to wait it out.

      That Thursday, October 19th, I went in for another ultrasound. The tech said that there was still quite a bit in my uterus that needed to come out. I talked to the midwife and she encouraged me to get a D&C. I told her that I didn't want one, that I'd prefer to wait it out and let it happen naturally. She said that's not what she recommended. I was annoyed -- weren't midwives supposed to be more holistic and less medical? I was only 5 weeks when this started, I should not need a D&C!

      I also tried to talk to her about my suspicion for the miscarriage -- that my luteal phase was only about 9 days long and that I was worried about my progesterone. She seemed to dismiss my concerns, which upset me. My voice cracked, and as soon as that happened she came right over to me and hugged me. She told me it was ok. The floodgates opened and I told her I was tired of waiting and that I was scared of surgery. She tried to make me feel better, and I appreciated her compassion.

      I left the office with an appointment to see one of the ob/gyns the next Wednesday. My husband and I had plans to go to a wedding out of town that weekend and I was determined not to miss it. I was sick of putting my life on hold for this miscarriage. We left for the wedding Saturday 10/21 and I managed to have a good time. The wedding was on Sunday 10/22, and we had originally planned to stay that night and leave Monday to come home, but since the reception was over at 4pm I decided I wanted to just drive the 5 hours to get home and be able to sleep in my own bed that night.

      We got home around 10:30pm. I started cramping, just a little at first. I took some advil and tried to go to sleep. Took more advil... finally around midnight, I'd taken 7 advil and felt awful. My husband was still up and I told him I was cramping pretty badly. I sat up with him hoping it would go away. It just got worse. I was so glad we had come home and I wasn't stuck in a hotel room far from home!

      At 1am we called the on-call doctor who told me to take aleve instead and to drink a glass of wine, since apparently wine helps stop uterine contractions. I was nauseous from the pain and didn't think I could get a glass down but said I would try. I told her I wanted the D&C. I was in so much pain that all I could think about was making it stop, and I was willing (at that point) to take the risk of the surgery to have it over with. She told me not to eat or drink anything and to call first thing in the morning to come in.

      I choked down half a glass of wine, some aleve, and took a hot bath, hoping it would help. It didn't. At some point I let my husband go to sleep because there was nothing he could do for me, and I figured he'd need to be alert for the morning. I felt like I had to have a bowel movement, and I felt that sitting on the toilet sometimes made things feel better. I also felt the instinctual need to push and found myself pushing for a while, with nothing coming out. There was no blood, still only spotting.

      At one point, the pain was so bad I was ready to wake my husband up to take me to the ER so I could demand pain medication. I took more aleve before I was supposed to hoping that would help. Finally, around 4:30am, 6 hours after the cramps started, they subsided. I laid down in bed and dozed until around 8am.

      I got up and decided to shower. During my shower I had more mild cramping. As I was toweling off, I suddenly passed a large clot, about the size of an orange. It was so huge! I was amazed. I passed another smaller clot while I was standing there staring at the big one.

      I went to the toilet to clean up and tried to keep the ever-curious cat away from the clot in the tub (he loves to drink out of the faucet when we're done showering!!). I still wasn't bleeding much, just spotting. I inspected the clot but didn't see much. It was dark red, and like a mixture of jello and pudding. I was amazed by it. I actually regret not waking my husband up so he could look at it. I was also disappointed that 6 hours of painful cramping only brought out one decent-sized clot. I was worried there would be more cramping.

      We went to the doctor's office and I had another ultrasound. The tech said my uterus looked much improved and the yolk sac was gone, but there was still a bit that needed to come out. I went back to wait in the waiting room and one of the other midwives came out to tell me that I wouldn't be having the D&C today but that I should come back at 1pm to meet with the ob/gyn. I was disappointed.

      We came back at 1pm. The ob/gyn was very nice. She told me that she didn't recommend a D&C for me, but she did recommend the induction drug, cytotek, to help me complete the miscarriage. I told her that as long as she gave me some good painkillers, I was fine with that. I'd actually taken that day and the next day off work because of the wedding. She said I could take one dose of cytotek vaginally that night and that I'd probably sleep through everything. She said to use sheets and pajamas that we wouldn't mind throwing out. She echoed all my fears about a D&C and said she had a 100% effective rate for cytotek with completing miscarriages. I felt much better after meeting with her.

      We left and my husband filled my prescriptions for cytotek, hydrocodone and an anti-nausea medication. He also picked up super huge pads and tampons. I was feeling emotionally much better -- I felt like the worst of it was over now and hoped that the cytotek would do its job and I wouldn't need a D&C.

      That night we put down some towels to protect the mattress and I took the painkiller and anti-nausea med, and then a half hour later I inserted the cytotek and went to bed. It was hard to sleep because I kept wondering if I was bleeding yet. I got up 5 hours after inserting the cytotek and removed the tampon. I wasn't bleeding, just spotting still. I went back to bed. When we got up, I did pass a very small clot when I used the bathroom, but I was still just spotting. The doctor called (on her day off) to check on me. I told her I hadn't bled and she thought maybe I'd passed most of it already and that my body was absorbing the rest. She said that I could take the second dose of cytotek she'd given me, that it couldn't hurt, and I should come in first thing the next morning. So, my husband stayed home with me and I spent the day napping on and off (the painkiller made me so sleepy!). I passed a little bit more clotty material, but nothing much.

      The next morning the doctor did another ultrasound (we're up to 5 ultrasounds in 3 weeks here!) and saw that there was just a small spot of blood left to come out, but she said that my uterus looked great compared to just a week ago. She said my cervix was closed and that she just wanted to leave me alone at this point. The nurse took more blood to check my hsg levels and the doctor said she'd call later to let me know when to come in for my next beta.

      Today, October 30th, is my 2nd blood/spotting-free day, and it's been exactly 3 weeks since my first gush of blood. My temperature dropped the other day, which makes me really happy. I hope my cycle will regulate itself soon. Emotionally I feel much better, but I know that if someone unknowingly made a comment about my husband and I starting a family, I'd probably lose it.

      Throughout this process, I found that the worst part was waiting. I also wish I'd had some heavy duty painkillers for the cramping, but I'm glad I avoided a D&C. A miscarriage is a natural bodily function, and as scary as it is, your body knows what to do. If this happened to me again, I would probably opt for the cytotek, because the waiting drained me emotionally. I was so sick of being sad and miserable and scared. Now that it's over, I feel so much better.

      Hugs to all the ladies of this forum :hug

      #171; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:13:00 GMT
    • Thank you for this thread. This has been a very emotional thing for me. I had a previous miscarrage in Feb. Nver tested positive its just one of those things where I knew what was going on. Because I never tested I think it made it easier in my mind...I didnt have to deal with telling everyone what had happened and I could in my mind pretend that it didnt. This time was different.

      Dh and I went on a cruise the whole time he kept telling me that I was pregnant. I kept insisting that I wasnt. When we got home I took a test 4 days before AF was suppose to show and it was positive. I couldnt believe it. So we bought degital tests, took one that night and again the next morning...both pregnant. For insurance reasons I had to take a doctor pg test. Of course it was positive. Please dont think of me as a bad mother when I tell you this next part but at first I wasnt excited. In my mind I was more scared about how we were going to afford another baby and how I was going to care for a toddler and a new born. I finally told Dh how I was feeling and we talked everything out. I became very excited and even started picking out names. Then on Monday I started spotting. It was brown and very light with minimal cramping...almost felt like constipation. I called my OB nurse and she said it was more than likely implantation spoting because I was only 5 weeks and if it became red and heavy to call and come in. So I rested most of the day even though the bleeding was red it wasnt heavy....I still knew what was happening. That night it became very heavy and very painful so we went to the ER. After several hours of waiting around they did blood work. The doctor came in and was a total ass...he told me that the baby was only this big (drawing a small circle on the paper) and there really isnt abything we can do for you. We will wait and see what the blood work shows and then we can do an pelvic exam if you want. So an hour later he comes in and says you arent even pregnant the test was negitive. So you are just having a painful period. yesterday I called my OB nurse she said that what happened was because we tested so early it picked it up and I was pregnant but then the pregnancy failed to implant and I was mc. I had very heavy bleeding passing small clumps everytime I went to the bathroom and wiped. Im still bleeding though its more like AF now. I feel so empty. Even though this pg wasnt planned and I was scared at first it was still my child that I lost. Dh wants to start trying again right away So hopefully things will go better this next time.

      #172; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:14:00 GMT
    • Hey guys my name is Gaby and im new to this site :innocent ...First of all i wanted to say that im really sorry you guys have gone thru these bad experiences....I have myself ...had 2 m/c one of them was back in Jan 6th of 2006 and the other one was on May i think of the same year :(.....now i found out that im pregnant with my 3 pregnancy...and as you all know that can be 100% scary .....well it all started when me and my husband decide to have kids...we tried for about 9 months and nothing..until one day i decided to get to the bottom of this...so i scheduled an appt with my obgyn and we got to the conclusion that i had a condition called PCOS...wich is a polysistic ovariam syndrome...but mine was a mild one......What this condition does is that you dont frequently get your presiods...at least every moth and you lack of ovulation...and thats the reason why you cant get pregnant easily...ALtho is not impossible to get pregnant is harder to....Anyways he put me on a drug called metphormin for a period of time and gave me medication to bring up my period ...SO when the time came he told me it was the time for me to try again :) so we did he gave me another drug called Clomid that helps u ovulate and help u get prgnant ...so i did there it was i got pregnant on the spot....but soon after i found out i was pregnant wich was around 6 weeks i started having mild cramps and having a brown discharge...then i went for my first sonogram at 7 weeks and there it was i saw a heart beat ...Soon after that i went back to the doctor to do another ultrasound and he couldnt see the heart beat but he though the baby has moved ...So he told me to wait up for the weekend and get another one that monday...cause his machine was too old...so i did i waited ..now that saturday night my cramps started to get worse :fever: and i called the doctor and he told me that as long as im not bleeding and as long i can take the cramping i should not go to the ER....so well i waited till monday morning...

      So i went to the clinic and had an ultrasound...the lady seem concern and didnt talk much...so i asked her and she said that wasnt her place to give me a diagnose that was the doctors job..she was very cold about it..so thank go my doctors office was right upstair...so i went to see him 10 mins later....while i waited for him to see me..i started bleadin heavy like my body knew it was time...so i went to the bathroom and there it was passing clot..was horrible...then when the doctor saw he confirmed that baby has died at 81/2 weeks and that i was suppose to be 10....so i went and got a d/c inmidietly i was soo scared but soon after that i was soo glad that it was over....

      Well the doctor told me to wait at least one regular period or 2...but of course i only waited one ...so i got pregnant again with the clomid the same fertility pill i took on my last pregnancy...But this time was different i took progesterone oral...so everything was good until i went for my first ultrasound they couold find a heart beat so i went back for another one 2 days later and they saw something but it was at 126 at 8 weeks i think...they looked very concern and doubting that the pregnany was going to be normal...so i waited and got another ultrasound a week or 2 later and my surprise was what i was expecting no hear beat!...so i kind of knew i had no cramps or bleading at all on this one so i had the feeling that was gonna be another misscarriage but the fact that i was bleeding or cramping didnt make it worst...so i scheduled anothe appt for a d/c the same day :( ...

      After those 2 experiences you know i was a mess and decide that this time i would wait to get pregnant again...! So i did i waited about 4 ot 5 months before i became pregnant for the 3th time...

      I am now pregnant 11 weeks doing different things like taking hte progesteron vaginaly and a baby aspirin every day...i went for the first ultrasound at 5 weeks and we saw an empty sac...no baby! the doctor told me not to worry that it was probably too ealry to see the baby anyways...so iwaited about a week for my second ultrasoun wich showed a lil peanut and a heart beat but since the doctors machine was too old he couldnt tell if it was my pulse or the baby's heart beat...so i went tot he women hospital to get a sonogram with better machines....At 7 weeks we went and guess was we say the baby and a heart beat was the most amazing thing the heart beat was at 121 wich the tech told me was very normal ...so evrything looked good.....I went for another ultraosun at 9 weeks and the baby was still there the heart beat was at 171 and we heard it !!! the baby moved for us and my doctor said everthing was perfect......then i went for another one on 11/13/06 and the baby was about 10.6 weeks and ws bigger and moving around the heart beat was at 151 ...she was glad to see that everything is progressing liek it should....! sooo so far so good girls! im about 11.2 weeks and scare as hell but happy at the same time...im gonna be off the progesterone on friday and ill be 12 weeks next tuesday...GIRLS never made it this far and im soo happy...So for the girls out there is still a hope i know its hard when you have been thru soo much...and believe it or not having 2 misscarriages its the worst thing ever happened to me...and im working on this new pregnancy trying not to stress out too much...but sometimes i cant help it..and im hoping and praying to god that this will be the good one...But i do also understand that if its not meant to be for me to be a mother...i will accept it...and consider adoption at one point...cause nothing will make me happier than knowing that im doing something good for a human being that needs a home...

      XOXO

      Gaby:wink

      #173; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:15:00 GMT
    • Hi I am very sorry for all your losses. I think I am miscarrying now I ahve had bw to confirm I am pregnant. I am 4wk 3 days. I started spotting last night it was just pink and today I have been crampy and bleeding.... It is red and no clots but My mw told me to wait until monday and we will do more bw. Do you think that I am miscarrying?
      #174; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:16:00 GMT
    • The Beginning

      In the evening of November 13th (in my 9th week of pregnancy) I noticed some brownish spotting in my underwear. I hadn’t had any cramping but noticed some diarrhea-ish symptoms. I called my midwife and she encouraged me that it might be nothing and it was up to me if I wanted to have an ultrasound or not.

      The Discovery

      The next morning I was still having some spotting but no cramping. I decided that I did want to know what was going on. At my work we offer limited ultrasound so I went in and had a basic scan done. My husband was with me. She couldn’t see anything resembling a baby but there was a sac and something inside it. She told us we should go get a full ultrasound done as her experience was fairly limited.

      We called our midwife and she referred us to a local imaging center that could get us in right away. Again, we saw a sac with no baby. Having seen an 8 week ultrasound with my son, I knew right away that it was over. The tech said she couldn’t say anything but she promised I wouldn’t leave without knowing for sure. She came back and said my midwife was on the phone. The midwife said that the baby had died at about 4 or 5 weeks and the amniotic sac and yolk sac both looked deflated. She was very encouraging and told me that she had had eight miscarriages. I told her that I just wanted to wait for the baby to come on it’s own and she was very supportive.

      After that we went and sat in the car for a while and just talked and cried. I had him call our parents to share the news because I didn’t feel strong enough to do it. There was just this overwhelming feeling of emptiness and guilt inside of me.

      The Birth

      I had trouble sleeping that night, wondering when it would happen and what it would feel like. On November 15th I woke up with cramping and mild spotting of red blood, I knew it was going to happen that day. Justin had gone to work so I decided to stay the day at my inlaws house where they could watch my 18 month old while I rested. I had fairly mild menstrual-like cramps throughout the day. By the time my husband left work I decided to go home and arrived at about 4pm. The contractions started up almost right away. It was just like labor… starting out slow and building up in pain and frequency. I had to do my breathing while Justin pressed on my sacrum. I cried through every contraction and vocalized because it felt better to let it out. The bleeding wasn’t as much as I thought it was going to be, it was never any worse than a heavy period.

      At some point I decided I wanted to get in the shower. The water made me feel so much better and I felt like I could handle the contractions again. As soon as I got in I felt something between my legs and reached down to check. Part of the placenta was in my vagina and I pulled it out. It was very similar to my son’s full grown placenta: one side was smooth (fetal side) and the other was a bunch of small grayish fingers where it must have been attached to me.

      I knew it was only a piece of it though and started bawling asking God to please just let the rest come. The pain changed from severe cramping contractions to pain and pressure in my cervix, although I still felt the contractions coming. Eventually things started to slow down and I got out of the shower. I had Justin put some towels down on the bed and just laid there for a while. Almost immediately I started to feel all the pain and cramping ease away.

      I felt confused knowing that there was still more to come out but not feeling the pain anymore. I felt inside and could tell there was something stuck inside my cervix. I had Justin get a flash light and pull it out. I laid it all out on a plastic bag and could tell that it was mostly complete. All together it was about the size of my palm (including fingers) and was in three pieces. I could tell which part was the sac, it was a lot smaller than I thought it would be, about the size of a half dollar and very firm and meaty. I decided I wanted to cut it open, it was thick and very tough to cut through. There wasn’t anything inside, although I think I could discern the remains of the yolk sac. I cried as I looked through it with my bare hands. Justin wanted me to stop but it felt good to explore it and understand it. I had him put it in the freezer so we could bury it later.

      Altogether I think the hard part of the miscarriage only lasted about three hours, the worst only one hour. I think I passed most of the baby by 7:45pm. I had a very hard time falling asleep that night, my mind was just preoccupied. I felt so much better physically, back to the mild cramping and bleeding. I did have a mild fever (100.5) but I think it was mostly from being in the hot shower for a while and it went down to normal within an hour.

      The Recovery

      The cramping was mostly gone by the second day after and the bleeding was no more than a normal period but more of a bright red color. The day after, I went out to do some errands and felt a lot of aching in my vagina/cervix. It was only when I was walking or standing though and wasn’t a sharp pain. It took about two weeks for the bleeding to come to a complete stop; I passed two small clots (the size of a quarter) at 2 days and 4 days after.

      The empty feeling inside me is very real, although I do feel very peaceful. The hardest part is realizing how much I really did want this baby even though at the beginning I had wished for a miscarriage. There is a lot of guilt, I feel sometimes as if I wished it into happening. My husband is very quiet and I can tell he is devastated but dealing with it in his own way. We are planning on burying our baby in the back yard sometime soon, for me I just couldn’t handle flushing or trashing this precious life even if he or she did die very early on.

      We learned a lot from this experience and won’t be trying again until both of us feel very excited and ready for a baby. I feel like I am a stronger woman and a better mother now.

      Photos

      I hope this story helps women who may be miscarrying understand both the physical and emotional parts of the process. Because I feel it could be a benefit to some woman I am going to post links to pictures I took of the pieces of the placenta/sac that came out of me. Be forewarned: these are very large, graphic photos. Since my baby passed away so early you will not see a recognizable fetus in these pictures, only the placenta and the gestational sac.

      http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e155/emilyfontes/miscarriageNOV06/allparts.jpg

      http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e155/emilyfontes/miscarriageNOV06/sac.jpg

      #175; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:17:00 GMT
    • I started spotting last week on Monday, pink which turned to red. On Wednesday I woke up and knew that something was different. My symptoms were gone and I just knew that there was "nothing there". Most people I told thought I was being pessimistic or negative, but I didn't feel negative at all, I just knew. I feel like I did most of my grieving that night. On Friday I finally got to have an ultrasound and it confirmed a sac about 6 wks along with no visible fetal pole or anything. I was pretty sure I must have had a blighted ovum or something because my symptoms had been so much milder than usual. And honestly I was somewhat relieved knowing I had to miscarry but there was no actual baby. Made it somewhat easier.

      I decided to wait to miscarry naturally which both my midwife and GP supported. All weekend I felt like my body was preparing itself. I had cervical twinges and some achiness in my abdomen. On Monday morning (thank goodness my dh had stayed home from work due to weather) the cramping and flow started. It was a constant flow into the toilet for about 2 hrs. The part that scared me the most was a period of lightheadedness and nausea when I thought I was going to pass out. What a horrible feeling. I freaked out a bit then and got my husband to call the dr and midwife. I was warning him that if I became unresponsive and passed out he would have to call 911. Luckily it passed and then the clots began to come. Once the clots started to come the cramps changed to feel more like mini contractions and I had cervical pain with each one. By then I was trying to lay down in bed for a bit but then the pain would come and I know I needed to let more out. That continued until about 2:30 and then the cramps subsided and I was able to rest and nap for a bit. They subsided until about 11:30 P.M when I got crampy again and passed a couple more clots. I checked out some clots and the biggest were about half the size of my palm. I never saw a noticeable sac but it probably would have been really small.

      Since then (two days) I still have achiness, especially when standing for too long. I was also lightheaded off and on. I'm not sure if the achiness means there is more to come or not. I will go into the dr's later this week to get checked out and maybe have another ultrasound. Once my cycle returns I plan to get some hormone testing done.

      This was an experience I hope to never have to go through again and my heart aches for those who go through this multiple times. I hope you know how strong and brave you are on your mothering journey :hug

      I'm so glad this thread is here because it's really hard to find info on what to expect and it is still a hush hush subject in so many ways. The honesty is so helpful.

      #176; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:18:00 GMT
    • The following depicts my very quick, and extremely intense and painful miscarriage at 10 weeks, 2 days.

      Sunday night before bed: One large cramp that seemed different than any other cramping I had during my 10 week pregnancy. Later that night I had some cramping that woke me up, but I was able to get back to sleep.

      Monday 7am: Woke up with one large cramp, went to the bathroom and passed some small clots and found brown spots on my undies.

      10am: Called midwife who said it may or may not be a miscarriage because at this time there was no bright red blood.

      12pm: had been having on and off mild cramping.

      1pm: I left work. Had a small clot and a small stream of blood in the toilet, but went on one errand with my husband (I think I was in denial) and I was out of it the entire errand. I was having pretty bad period-like cramping.

      2:30pm: Got home and couldn't wait to get undressed and put on a pair of comfy sweat pants and a t-shirt. Cramping got more intense with each 1/2 hour passing.

      4pm: I sware I went into true, hard labor. It was unbelievable. I would get this clenching feeling low in my abdomen that radiated to my lower back. At first I would get breaks up to a minute. I found that a kneeding-like, kinda-poking as opposed to rubbing, my back really helped counteract the intensity. Also, I got into the shower hoping hot water would help. It did for awhile, but I ran out of hot water after 1/2 an hour.

      5pm: I got completely nauseated and began dry-heaving and then throwing up (only water as I hadn't eaten since breakfast). I found sitting on the toilet was good because I felt like pushing a lot and went to the bathroom numerous times, and passed a fleshy clot that was about 1 inch X 1/2 an inch, then a small stream of blood flowed, and small streams of blood would flow intermintently from then on. I felt better for about five minutes before the intense cramp clenched my abdomen and radiated to my lower back again. It was constant and I wanted to be alone in my room with no lights on. I crawled around on the floor a lot looking for any position that was comfortable (I didn't like the soft bed); my only goal at any given moment was to simply find some position that was comfortable. I also had to keep moving, laying still was the absolute worse, and I was moaning very loudly from the PAIN.

      8pm: I was no longer getting even a thirty second rest anymore (I was getting usually a 30 sec rest about every 10 - 20 minutes, and it was glorious for even that short time as it allowed me to regain control and cope). I also would get nauseated and throw up or dry heave from time to time. I didn't want my mind to prevent me from progressing in the miscarriage so I kept saying over and over, "Open and flow." I just wanted to pass the sac, or whatever was inside. My husband would come upstairs to check on me, sometimes I would tell him to leave (he was really scared and therefore not helping me) and sometimes I would ask him to massage my back.

      10pm: I realized I simply could not cope anymore. This was the worst pain I had ever been in; the horrible, most painful and intense cramping had not let up for a second in over two hours and I did not want to go on all night like that. I kept thinking that I couldn't cope, I have no support, I don't know how long this is gonna take... what if the pain stays all night? I called down to my husband and told him I can't do it anymore. He said he was scared and had wanted to go to the hospital long ago, but told me when he called the midwife (I had spoken to her several times and she said some women have a really intense miscarriage and it is normal, but assured me real labor would not be like this -as in no break) she said we did not have to go to the hospital unless there was a lot of bleeding (there was not too much).

      11PM: Arrived at the ER and I was in so much pain. I hated the bright lights and covered my face while I basically rithed in pain on a chair in the waiting room and tried not to make too much noise. My husband later told me a woman complained to the front desk attendant to hurry up and get me looked at because I seemed to be in enourmous pain, and it was causing her daughter to cry.

      I kinda lost track of time after that (they're approximate anyway) but they did put me in a triage "room" and a mean nurse came in and asked what was going on. Mostly my husband spoke, but she wanted me to answer so I told her I was having a miscarriage and was in a lot of pain (I had been having intense pain for over six hours by this point) and had tried to naturally miscarry at home but couldn't take the pain anymore. She asked me why on earth I would do it at home (I didn't realize until later that most people go to the hospital to miscarry, I assumed most stayed at home). Then I told her I just wanted to get the miscarriage over with, which prompted her to ask me if this was a wanted pregnancy. I said, "yes," then she wanted to know my ob and I told her I wasn't seeing one, then she said she needed to get some straight answers from me (You'd think she was about to call the cops on suspicion my DH hitting my in the stomache with a bat to miscarry or something). Thank God she left after that and another nurse came in and got me to pee in a cup.

      Probably around 1am: the doctor did a pelvic exam and then looked inside and said there was a good size clot he could pull out so he opened me up with the plastic thing and used forceps to pull out a good 3/4 cup of tissue and clots, I looked at it. He said it was very large for 10 weeks and to come out all at once. As soon as he took out that thing I felt instantly better and my husband told me he could tell instantly, "I was back." And I was, I had gone to another place, I was practically animalistic from the pain (I am usually quite a reserved woman).

      They did an ultrasound on the abdomen and vaginally. They took blood. Then some quack doctor (not the same wonderful man that treated me) came in at almost 3am to tell me the results: that I may have had a miscarriage; that, or this may be an early pregnancy. Ok, whatever quack. My midwife and I did get a laugh about that diagnosis Tuesday morning. We left before waiting for the HCG results, we should have left after the doctor took out the flesh clot, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind, plus I had a small hope that maybe I was just losing a twin, so ok'ed the ultrasound.

      Tuesday I stayed home from work (maybe the third time in seven years I've taken off work) because I felt like a weak, fragile kitten. I took about 5 Advil throughout the day, not because I really had to, but because any cramping made me terrified it would intensify the way it had the day before and I just wanted the peace of no cramps to alleve the fear.

      Emotionally, I am just ok. I am more traumatized by the physical aspect of it all. On the other hand I am in awe over my body's efficiency. I read that it takes a lot of women sometimes weeks to pass the flesh and clots. I guess that is why the cramping (my midwife called them contractions but I hate that word associated with what happened to me) was so bad, because my body wanted to pass it all at once (which I think would have happened as it was right there for the doctor to pull out). I am greatful that I did not miscarry on Christmas or my vacation in two weeks (would not want to think about dealing with that at a hotel or going to a hospital in a third world country). I am also greatful it is over, except for bleeding which is mild.

      I never had any idea a miscarriage was so awful in the physical aspect this early in pregnancy, I thought the difficulty was the emotional part, so I am also having to deal with this unexpected side of miscarriage. It is not like a bad period as I had imagined it would be. It is tramautic in a way I cannot even describe, but I do know I feel empty today, like a shell.

      Thank you for reading my story.

      Update: It is now one week and one day since I began miscarrying. I had to update because as it turns out I did not complete my miscarriage last Monday. Wednesday I was mildly crampy on and off, but nothing alarming. I cannot remember if I was still popping Advil (something very out of character; I am sure I took more Advil during my miscarriage than ever in my life) or not.

      Around 9pm Wednesday evening I was kneeling by my coffee table when I felt something slide out of me and plop on my pad. I got up and ran to the bathroom and found a roundish clump of dark flesh (not blood clots at all) about the size of a large plum. I screamed and my husband ran in and was grossed out and walked out of view and told me to just flush it down the toilet that it was probably just more of the afterbirth, or whatever. I got very emotional, partly because I thought this was over two days ago and partly because I thought this was my baby. I cried for several minutes in my husbands arms with him shooshing me. I went in the bathroom and inspected what came out of me; it was warm, soft, and there were two very light colored vein-type things that were symmetrical on it. I wrapped it in tissue and put it in the trash can.

      Thursday came and I was still spotting and letting out trivial amounts of blood when urinating. I was also mildly cramping on and off. A little after 2pm, I get a call from my OB's office (I see her for yearly exams and gave her name at the ER because they really wanted a doctor's name as my caregiver). The nurse tells me that the results on the flesh taken out at the hospital were only fleshy materials (she gave a long descrption, but flesh was pretty much the only word I understood) and there were no fetal parts at all. She wanted me to come in for a D & C. I told her I thought I passed the fetus last night and she asked me if I saved it. I said that I had it in tissue in the trash and could retrieve it as it was the bathroom trash can. She told me to call the next morning for an appointment with the doctor.

      I dreaded the appointment all night and the next morning. And then realized I was not going to call the doctor for the appointment. I did not want another ultrasound -if they couldn't find the left-over sac at the ER after a good 45 minutes getting various ultrasounds, then why should I think they could see anything if it was left now?

      It is now the following Tuesday and after Wednesday evening I have not passed any clots, flesh, or anything other than old blood on a pantyliner.

      The emotional aspect is starting to pick up and I am doing my own private greiving. I do want to get pregnant again as soon as possible, but for right now I do not get excited seeing little babies or very pregnant women, instead it makes me sad.

      #177; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:19:00 GMT
    • I'm finally feel emotionally ready to post this.

      In November I miscarried naturally at exactly 11 weeks.

      At 10w1d, I had some pink spotting out of the blue. The next day I had a routine appt with my MW, so I mentioned it to her and she did an u/s to check on the baby. She couldn't find a heartbeat nor movement, and estimated that the baby had died at around 8 weeks. She works in an OB practice, so protocol dictated that an OB come in to talk to me about what to do next. He pushed a d&c, but I refused. He said some things about how bad natural m/c would be and how I may end up getting a d&c in the end anyway, but I still refused. He left the room and I got to speak with my MW alone. She told me she fully supported my waiting to m/c naturally, that it would be what she would do too. She told me it would probably go just fine...but she warned me that it was going to hurt and would feel a lot like labor. She told me what to watch out for and what would warrant a call to her.

      I continued some very sporadic spotting for the next couple of days, and all in all it took 5 days of waiting for the miscarriage to start. During this time, I came here and found this thread. I can't even begin to express how much I needed to read the stories in this thread! What a wonderful resource of information AND encouragement it was. I read every single story over the course of those 5 days of waiting, and I felt confident of my body's ability to handle the m/c when it finally happened. Finally, on the day I would've been 11 weeks pregnant, it began. This is the story as I wrote it the night after it all happened.

      I’d experienced spotting all weekend, and it turned to light bleeding by bedtime last night, with mild cramping. I went to bed around midnight and slept well.

      I was awakened this morning at 6:30am by strong rhythmic cramping. It intensified quickly, and by 7am, I was clearly having contractions. They came on top of each other for about 15 minutes, during which time I got up, and somehow managed to wash my face and brush my teeth. While brushing my teeth, I felt a distinct pop and an instant gush of blood and fluid. The pop and gush felt exactly the same as when my water broke with DS nearly 3 years ago (except that it didn’t flood the house :) ). I finished brushing and then walked carefully and woke DH up to ask for his help. More gushing. I knew that the process had officially begun.

      I initially tried to handle it out in the main part of the house, since DH hadn’t awakened yet. But that soon proved to be too messy, so I moved into the bathroom. I began passing HUGE clumps of tissue along with more blood than I imagined possible. The blood was pouring into the toilet and sounded like I was peeing, but I wasn’t. Several of the clots were 5 inches long by 2 inches wide, although most of them were about half that size. They had the consistency of jello and the appearance of raw liver. The contractions that preceded these clumps were incredibly intense and wouldn’t let up until the tissue passed. Then there’d be a pause, followed by more contractions until the next round of tissue and blood began descending. (This is the part that, had I not had this thread to read beforehand, I would've been terrified that I was bleeding to death...I would've definitely gone to the ER had I not read all the stories here and found that it's normal and is totally what to expect with a natural m/c.)

      Around 8am, I decided to get into the shower to clean some of the blood away. While in there, the contractions picked up significantly. Just like my MW had warned me, they felt exactly like the contractions from my labor with DS…the only difference was they were concentrated down around my pubic bone because my uterus was much smaller—but it was just as painful as middle stage labor. I felt my cervix dilating just like I did all during labor with DS, along with all the pressure and discomfort that accompanies the dilation. I was amazed that it was so similar.

      For the next two hours, I stayed in the bathtub, alternating standing under the shower (during the let-up times) and crouching down on the tub floor on my knees and elbows (during the contractions and during the passing of tissue/clots). The contractions would hit for a few minutes at a time, during which time I’d hit the floor. They’d end with the passing of clots and blood galore, and then I’d stand up and let the shower wash all the blood away from my legs and from the tub. I’d stand there resting, until the contractions hit again. This cycle repeated over & over for those two hours in the tub. It was intense and raw.

      Toward the end of the two hours, I spent most of the time crouched down on knees and elbows, as the contractions and expellations became constant and this was the only way I could manage them. I just stared at the tub floor and tried my hardest to make it through. I breathed, cried, and rocked back and forth to try and coax everything down through my cervix. I prayed for strength, protection, and for it to end soon. I kept telling myself that the process of miscarriage was engineered by God, just as a live full-term birth is, and I kept reminding myself to trust in the process he’d set up. It’s efficient, natural, and relatively safe for most women, and I kept telling myself I’d get through it just fine, just like I got through labor just fine 3 years ago without any intervention. I thought of all the millions of women throughout history who’ve miscarried, and I felt at one with every one of them…no doubt most of them got through it in the same way I was getting through it, and it actually felt somewhat empowering to feel the connection.

      DH had been coming in to check on me at intervals. He was busy getting DS’s breakfast and then later, keeping him out of the bathroom. He came in at one point and told me it was 10am. My knees were hurting from kneeling on the hard floor of the tub, and I had the bright idea that I could get DS’s potty seat and sit on it. That way I could sit, but still be elevated so that everything could come out, yet still be under the hot water. I sat on that for about 20 minutes, enduring intense contractions like before, but at least my knees didn’t hurt anymore.

      Then, at around 10:20, the contractions let up significantly. After a few minutes, I asked DH to bring me some cereal because I knew I should eat while there was finally a break. I was feeling a little weak and I was afraid this may be my only chance to eat before it all started back up again. I ate my cereal in relative peace, and started to wonder what happened to all the contractions, but I kept sitting there on the seat for a while.

      At 10:40, I suddenly felt a strange fullness and pressure at the top of my cervix. It didn’t really hurt at all. I instinctively gave a little push to test it, and it moved downward. Suddenly it felt HUGE inside my birth canal…it felt almost exactly like DS did whenever he began descending, just not quite as huge as his big head (it’s amazing how I instantly remembered all those sensations!). I knew this had to be the sac/placenta, because it felt very solid and round compared to the jello-like consistency of the clots I’d been passing. I pushed again and felt it falling down, and then it came right to the opening and was sort of stuck. I could feel the stretching and was careful not to push too hard for fear of tearing something. I just let it come out on its own. In a few seconds, it slipped out of me and hit the bowl of the potty seat. I called for DH.

      He came to me, and I stood up to see it. It was a ball of tissue, a little bigger than my fist in size. It was the sac, complete with the placenta surrounding it. We both realized what it was, and that’s when I completely lost it. I collapsed in sobs. I totally didn’t expect to feel the emotions that I felt at that moment, but I was hit with such grief, regret, sadness, guilt, and loss that I couldn’t even begin to contain it. I was also feeling such relief that it was over and that I had made it through all the pain and fear. From the moment I’d awakened this morning with cramping, till the moment it passed, was just over 4 hours.

      After I’d cried for a long, long time, I got as cleaned up as possible. The bleeding had tapered off immediately after the placenta/sac has passed (it slowed to what would be a normal heavy menstrual flow). There was no more pain either; just the equivalent of regular menstrual cramps was left over.

      After I came out, we took the placenta to the kitchen sink and looked it over. We peeled back the placenta to reveal the gestational sac, which was clear and filled with fluid. I gasped when I saw the baby, the actual fetus floating in the fluid. It was white, and when it bumped up against the wall of the sac, I could see its eyes—little black dots.

      DH used a knife to cut a slit in the sac. The fluid spilled out, and I opened it up and there was our baby, right before our eyes. It looked just like all the pictures you see of developing fetuses. It was about an inch long, with a huge elongated head, little black eyes, nostril indentations, a mouth, ear buds, and with tiny little hands and webbed fingers. I couldn’t make out feet, but inside the abdomen we could see dark shadows of organs inside. It was breathtaking, heartbreaking, and awe-inspiring all at the same time. Never in my life would I have imagined it to be that perfect-looking. I couldn’t help but wonder what in the world went wrong. *sigh*

      I held our baby for probably 20 minutes, intermittently staring at it in awe, and bawling. Then we both kissed it and then we put it in a ziploc bag and into the refrigerator. Later, when we can figure out exactly how we want to do it, we’re going to bury it here somewhere.

      All day long I’ve been so proud of my body for how well it handled what had to be done. We have amazing bodies that are so equipped and efficient at what they were created to do! I’m so glad I didn’t get the D&C or take anything to interfere with my body’s natural process. It happened at the right time, and in the right way. And in letting it do so, I got to peek at a miracle. I got to actually hold in my hand the tiny little creature that was formed inside of me during the weeks before whatever went wrong, went wrong.

      After that day, I didn't have any more cramping, but I bled like a regular period for about 4 more days. Then it lightened up and became spotting. The spotting went on until almost exactly 2 weeks after the m/c, and during this time, I had serious hormone crashes—hot flashes, migraines, dizziness, and overall feeling like crap. But it ended within that first 2 weeks, right about the time the spotting ended. I didn't ovulate that cycle. My period returned exactly 28 days after the m/c began, and it looks like I've just ovulated as usual, so I'm hoping I'm back on track now.

      Thank you for reading. I hope that it can help someone in the way that many of these posts helped me.

      #178; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:20:00 GMT
    • This thread helped me, so I should add my story.

      I found out at 14w that the baby had died some time after 9w. The ultrasound showed a sad little bean, unmoving, with no heartbeat. The fetus (embryo?) measured 8.5-9w. There was no cramping or spotting to indicate a problem before that.

      I really wanted everything to happen naturally. I tried some herbal and homeopathic remedies to encourage this. I worked on saying goodbye to the baby and letting go mentally and emotionally. Still, not a cramp that couldn't be attributed to gas. Not a spot of blood.

      Three weeks later, I had a d&c for the missed miscarriage. It was an outpatient surgery. The procedure itself was not a big deal. They used Versed for anesthesia. This doesn't put you completely out, but does make sure you remember nothing. Once the drug went into my IV, I felt loopy. I remember rolling to the operating room and putting my feet in the stirrups. Next, I woke up in recovery.

      The doctor dilated my cervix with some rods, and sucked and scraped out the "pregnancy tissues." He sent them to pathology, where they were tested for signs of infection and molar pregnancy. Since this is my first miscarriage, no genetic tests were done to look for a cause.

      In recovery, I felt strong enough to go home after about an hour. My husband talked with me during that period. The doctor told him after the surgery that the baby was strongly attached to my uterus still, not ready to fall out. After chatting and munching on crackers, I dressed and went to the bathroom. My husband fetched the car while a volunteer pushed me down to the lobby in a wheelchair. I went home and straight to bed.

      The doctor said I could go to work the next day, but I didn't feel well enough. I went out to dinner the following day, and that was too much. I had a bit of bleeding there, a mini pad's worth. For the next few days I had pinchy feelings with too much activity. Laying down fixed it. A couple times I laid down under my desk at work. It was a full week before I felt totally recovered.

      Mentally the recovery was slow, also about a week. The d&c, on principal, was traumatic to me. Every hug from a friend helped me feel better. Now, three weeks later, I'm back to my usual chipper self.

      My advice to people getting a D&C:

      Make sure they're using gentle anesthesia! You don't need general. That's a harder recovery.

      Unless something special happens, you don't need drugs to contract your uterus or antibiotics. Those make recovery harder, too.

      Have people around for a few days who can keep your toddler from jumping on your abdomen.

      Get lots of hugs!

      #179; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:21:00 GMT
    • It's very hard reading your experiences, but comforting to know this may actually help someone who is going through this.

      On Jan. 5th, 2006 I went to the dr for a routine visit. I remember it all like it was just hours ago. This was my husband's first visit with me and I was excited we would get to hear the heartbeat together. I was eleven weeks. The dr asked if I had any complaints and I didn't I felt great. So asked me to lay down and rubbed over my belly and said my uterus felt good. She put the little heart monitor over my belly and started pushing around. She said "this little turkey doesn't want to perform today, let's do an ultrasound, I am sure everything is ok." I had to go out to the waiting room and was SO EXCITED, not an ounce of worry, was so excited my husband would get to see the baby. Well, we sat and sat and my dr came out and said the tech would be with us soon they were having some "complications with another patient" and then it hit me-- what if something was wrong with my baby. I sat there and started to sob. The lady that was having complications came out. She had her little preg belly and was holding it sobbing. I was SO SO scared at that point. Finally the tech called us in. She put the thing on my belly and I could see a huge black hole. I asked "where's my baby" and she said she thought they'd miscalculated so would have to do an internal u/s. She put the thing in there and started to scan around. I just knew something was wrong and started panicking and begging her to tell me where my baby was. She said she had to call the dr in. The dr came in and pointed to this little sac and said that that was the baby I said it couldn't be because just a month ago I saw it on the screen and now all I saw was a little sac. She said I'm sorry but you've miscarried. I sobbed and sobbed, my husband holding me begging me to calm down. She asked me to gather myself and then meet her in her office to discuss everything that needed to be done. She explained about the D&C and the possible complications if I let my body do it naturally. We were so nervous that we decided to have the D&C the next morning. I remember walking out of the dr office and my husband calling his mom to tell her. I had to call my boss because I was going back to work. When I said it, I couldn't believe that I was actually admitting that my baby was gone. I cried the rest of the night and the next day. I had the D&C done the next morning and really tried to pull myself together. Well, my dr requested that I allow her to do chromosome testing on the baby to see what was wrong. She sent the samples to the pathologist and on Monday I received a call from her that she thought I'd had a tubal pregnancy and she needed to see me ASAP. I went in and had to have another ultrasound. Oddly this time I could see the little baby that I'd seen on my first LIVE u/s but this time there was no movement and my uterus had shrunk down some. She said she had to do another emergency D&C that day. I went in and had it done. I have been trying to conceive and even though my levels were high and there's still no explanation for the loss of our baby, I'm still not preg.

      #180; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:22:00 GMT
    • I am so greatful to have found this forum... I have wanted to share my M/C stories but couldn't find the appropriate place, after reading Karennns original post introducing this thread, it was so nice to find someone who feels that same way I do, impatient and all. My first M/C was August 14, 1997. He/she was most likely a blighted ovum that I passed at home with out incident. I brought the fetus, or "product of conception" as they like to call it in the med. comm., to the hospital, handed it over to some anonymous person and never heard about it again. I was pregnant again w/in 3 months and I gave birth in hospital, to Sarah, the following July. Sam was born in 2002 in the hospital and then Rachel in 2004 at home. In October 2005 we learned we were pregnant again but this one turned out to be a blighted ovum as well, that I passed at home. This time I had my MW. I went for a rourtine check up with her at 4 months. I knew that something was not right. I felt as though something, or someone, was missing. I almost felt empty. We went for au/s and discovered what I knew to be true. I went home and 2 days later my body took care of itself. My bag litteraly popped at 10 p.m. Sunday night, my MW stayed with me for a couple of hours while my husband put the kids to bed. I labored all night with mild cramps, passing clots and waiting for the baby. At around 6 a.m. the next morning, I was exhausted, but just before my children awoke for school, I passed the "baby" and placenta all in one. Erika, my MW,came by later in the day and we took a look at him/her. It's may sound funny to say but a blighted ovum looks like a comma. The placenta was wrapped around the baby and the Umbilical cord seemed fused against the placenta as did the little tiny baby. And the baby did not resemble a baby at all, it was an empty sac. There was alot of bleeding after that so I took my florodex and prenatal pills and rested for a week or so. Seeing the little one was closure for me. One year later I became pregnant again, and so did, or rather is, my Sil, and my BF. I was due in-between them on May1rst. My Bf would have been at my birth along with my MW. Instead they were there for me when I miscarried. I went for my normal check up with Erika last tuesday and we could not find the heart-beat. I had thought that the babies movements were muffled and very low, not strong, so I was hoping that my placenta was antierior and just blocking his movement. So Erika made me a little lunch and we tried again. Nothing. She scheduled an u/s for the following morning. My husband and I went in and the tech could not find anything, and she knew right away. I really like this women, she had done my last u/s with my last m/c. I like her because, while she is a bt sensative, she is honost and she told us right away "I am not a dr., but..." and then she explained little of what she saw. No waiting around for the "official diagnosis". The dr did come in and we discussed what my options were. I would not do a D&E, I refuse to be "put out" for anything and this procedure would result in dismembering, to put it nicelly, the little baby inside of me. The other option was Mesoprostal, which some of you may know as Cytotec. No way, even though friends who are Dr.'s assured me that it was safe, it still scared me. Thank G-d and the powers that be, as with my last two m/c's, my body took care of him on it's own. The very next morning I awoke with camps. And only after my childeren left for school, did the bleeding start. My Bf, Elaine, took me for a coffee and then we sat out on my front porch enjoying the abnormally warm January air while I labored for a bit. When we went inside to wait for Erika, I headed right for the bathroom, to pee, I thought, but my body was ahead of me. Something large was making it's way through my vagina, and I could not for the life of me even guess what it could be. It seemed to soon for anything this large. It was my bag of waters, and as it bulged out of my vagina, I thought if it breaks I am in for hours of labor, and possible great blood loss. I had decided earlier that we would head for the hospital where I would at least feel safe, but did I mention that my body had other plans, thank G-d.? Erika arrived within 10 minutes and suggested I lie down to slow the blood flow if there was any. I cannot believe that I had any doubt in her faith in me! As I sat on the toilet with a colander beneath me to catch what would come out, my baby, and his placenta, slid from inside of me and into the colander in one neat package. Elaine and Erika and I looked at each other stunned. They helped me into bed, brought me OJ to drink and blankets that they warmed in my drier. I am so greatful that they were with me. As I lay in bed Erika and Elaine cleaned my baby and layed him on a blanket that I had intended for his birth. When my husband returned from the school, I gave him a moment to collect his thoughts and feelings and then we had Erika bring our baby in to us. He was tiny, so very tiny. He had made it to about 17 weeks gestation. I think he made it to 18, but he had stopped developing at 16 weeks. His color was grey, but his little tiny hands and feet were perfect, I could even see his little ankles. We took pictures and we measured him. His placenta was perfect, his cord was long. My only wish was that we could have found out why. Why he stopped developing. Its normal for me to ask myslelf, as I sit here alone, "was it the fetta cheese on that pizza? or maybe it was those three nights of poor sleep, or was it when I walked under that ladder..." None of it rational, but a week after my last visit, the last time we heard the heart beat, a wave of saddness had hit me, and I could not figure what it was. There was nothing specific going on, but I recorded it in my journal, and I am glad that I did. I am sure that in the last week of Novmeber is when my baby left me. And I think that I did all of my mourning then, because I had spent alot of time crying, and the sadness was overwhelming, but it passed within 2 weeks. Now I am sad, but I'm "counting the days" until my first menstruation, until my first visit to the Mikvah, until that first feeling of slippery fluid indicating that there is a tiny little egg waiting to be fertilized. Then I will do that 3 more times until I feel my body has rested, and then we try again. At least I intend to wait... who know what my body intends to do!

      Blessings to all of you who have lost babies to miscarraige, to those of you who are waiting for your first baby to come through, my saddness is reserved for you, and so is my hope.

      Samantha M, SamuraiMom. :homebirth :bfs

      BTW, My son named the baby Zachary Jackson, and we were allowed to bury him in between my grandparents and Bubbie and Zaddie.

      #181; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:23:00 GMT
    • I want to share my story too. I was 9 weeks pg.

      Last Friday my husband came home from work at noon because it was sleeting and the whole town was basically shutting down in preparation for an ice storm. DD went down for a nap soon after he got home, so DH and I had a little "snuggle time." About an hour after that, I started spotting. I didn't worry about it because I spotted after intercourse with my first pregnancy. I continued spotting that evening and on Saturday morning the blood was a little heavier, but it was brown, so I still wasn't too worried.

      That afternoon, I noticed that my uterus felt different. I had been able to feel it at the top of my belly when I pushed down slightly. I couldn't feel that anymore. I started cramping in the afternoon too. Since it was Saturday and the roads were icy, there was nothing I could do anyway, so I just waited.

      I fell asleep early that night, around 8:30. I woke up around midnight with more severe cramps and the blood had changed to red. I put on a pad and went back to bed. About 2 AM I woke up again. The cramps were so bad that I could not get back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and blood started pouring out. I started vomiting, which woke up DH. I asked him to get me a muscle relaxer to help with the pain and hopefully allow me to get some sleep. I took the pill when my stomach settled down. I checked the fresh pad that I put on about 15 minutes later and it was soaked through. I was worried about the blood loss and the fact that the pain seemed to be centered on the lower left side of my abdomen. I called the hospital and they put me through to a nurse in labor and delivery. When I told her how much I was bleeding, she said I should probably go to the ER. So we packed the diaper bag with snacks and juice, our portable DVD player and some movies, and some books and a stuffed animal for DD. We woke her up and got her dressed and headed to the ER on the icy roads. It was about 3 AM.

      The nurse that checked me into the ER was 8 months preg. I could tell she felt bad for me. I tried to make her feel more comfortable by asking her about her preg and telling her about my DD. They did a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. They had a small u/s machine there, not as powerful as the regular u/s machines. The Dr couldn't see anything. They drew blood to do an HCG and to make sure I hadn't lost too much blood. By this time the muscle relaxer had worn off, so they gave me some Vicodin. They released me with a prescription for more pain pills and told me to call the hospital Monday for another HCG test and u/s. It was about 5 AM.

      When we got home, I went to the bathroom and passed something. I was so tired and the toilet was filled with blood, so I didn't fish it out. I felt weird just flushing it, but I didn't know what else to do.

      I went to the hospital by myself the next day. DD hates hospitals and I didn't want to put her through that. They did the blood test and then I went back into the outpatient waiting room to wait for the u/s. I was sitting where I could see out into the lobby, and I saw a pregnant lady checking in, obviously to have her baby. I broke down then. I hadn't cried about it until then. But I knew this baby was no to be, and it was so hard to deal with. I'll never forget, I was the only person in the waiting room except for the receptionist. She had been on the phone the whole time I was there, about twenty minutes at this time. I could hear her conversation, even though she was talking in hushed tones. She was gossiping about the minister at her church who had abruptly resigned. I sat there crying, with no tissues, wiping my tears on my shirt, and this woman went right on with her conversation, not stopping to check on me or offer me a Kleenex. She was still on the phone when I left the hospital 30 min later, after my ultrasound. So much for the Christian work ethic and the concept of compassion. It just really irritated me.

      Anyway, the u/s showed nothing in my uterus, no sac, nothing. The mc had already occurred. When I got home, I went to the bathroom and passed something again. It felt exactly the same as it did right after we got home from the ER. I'm thinking maybe it was the massaging of the ultrasound wand that helped get things moving? I don't know.

      The bleeding has slowed, it is about like my regular period now. I am waiting to hear from my OB's office as to whether or not I'll need a D & C. I'm still having some pain on my left side. I'm thinking it is realted to some GI trouble that has been occurring since this started.

      As for my mood, I'm just really depressed. I expect the depression will last for awhile. I'm glad spring will be here soon, something to look forward to.

      Thank you for starting this thread. It has been very helpful to me, reading other's stories and writing my own.

      #182; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:24:00 GMT
    • :hug mama. Take care of yourself. I am so sorry. I have a story here too. :hug
      #183; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:25:00 GMT
    • First I must say that before my miscarriage started I found myself reading through all of these posts which I can say that I really appreciate everyone pouring their hearts out here.

      Well I knew I was pregnant almost immediately, I took a pregnancy test to confirm after my period was one week late - 11/28/06. I wanted to wait for the insurance deductables to roll over to the new year, so I decided to have my first visit with my mw just after the new year. I went into the mw's office on 1/3, and expected to go through all of the usual stuff. I was surprised when she pulled out an u/s to take a look at the baby. I was supposed to be nearing 11 weeks. When she started to look she couldn't find anything really. She did an internal and still looked dismayed. Then she took me to another machine and before I knew it I had two doctors in the room looking at my ultrasound and telling me that the baby did not have a heartbeat and looked like it had stopped growing at 5 or 6 weeks. From there I had a blood test done for initial HCG levels and then I went in two days later to confirm that my HCG levels were dropping. My mw warned me that I would probably start to miscarry in the next week or two naturally or I could do something to progress it. As much as I didn't want to believe their diagnosis, I knew that something wasn't right. Sometime around Christmas I remember noticing that my symptoms of being pregnant had nearly disappeared. However, I still had hope and was in denial until it started on its own.

      I decided to do it naturally, as I was induced with my daughter and have decided I will never do anything like that again if I can help it. Well on Saturday I started feeling labor like contractions. It really was like when I had my daughter, before I got induced. Nothing happened until the next morning. The next morning around I was working on my laptop and talking with my sister when all I did was reposition myself and I felt a gush. When I went to the bathroom I discovered that what I believe was my water had broke. It wasn't a lot but it was noticeable to me. It looked as if my mucus plug had come out. There was a little bit of light red blood and some clear mucus looking stuff. The cramping then started coming on much stronger than before, but nothing nearly as intense as when I had my daughter. For the rest of the day I did find myself staying in bed. I thought that with all of that cramping something would come out besides brown blood, but nothing really has of yet. The intense cramping subsided towards the end of the day, and I haven't had anymore cramping since. I am going on day ten of this and since about day five it has been red blood. I have seen some tissue, but it is very small and little. No clots or anything very heavy, but it is heavier and lasting longer than any of my periods. Sometimes it is very light and sometimes it is heavy. This ongoing constant bleeding is really wearing on me. Wearing pads all of this time is really bothering my skin too - I have started using some wrags here and there to give my body a break from them.

      I did find that oddly enough the first day that this miscarriage happened was probably the best day I have felt through all of this. I felt some sort of gratification that I could do it on my own, without a doctor rushing it along. It felt good to trust my body to know what it is doing.

      I do feel depressed and messed up still. I still can't believe that this pregnancy was so short. I find myself going back and saying I should have done this or that, even though I know I couldn't have changed the outcome.

      #184; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:26:00 GMT
    • Deleted by user.
      #185; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:27:00 GMT
    • It's a hard story to share, and I don't tell many people. Sometimes they disregard my story because of my age or just flat out don't believe me when I tell them I'm a mommy.

      We'll start here. I am 17 years old, and the mother of two Angels, both were lost during miscarriages. Their father, also 17 is very loving and supportive.

      When I lost our first child, who we decided to name Emily Michelle, at almost two months, I was only 16 years old, so was he. We didn't know if she was a boy or girl, but I was 100% sure that she was- I could just feel it.

      I found out I was pregnant, and it was the happiest day of my life. I was a mom. And I knew that my boyfriend would be excited too, because we had agreed that if that were to happen we would be happy, as this was our child.

      I was in class on May 3, 2006 working on a math quiz, still in high school but to be graduating that year. I started having cramps fairly bad. I wasn't sure what to do about it, because no one knew I was pregnant (I still hadn't told her father yet, I was planning a whole surprise later that week). Then it felt like I had started my period. So, in sheer terror I walked up to my teacher and had her sign a pass for me. I left and went to the bathroom where I had the worst cramps I had ever felt in my life. After staying in there for a descent amount of time, I had managed to collect myself enough to walk across campus to my boyfriends class, where I ignored everyone and literally pulled him out of the room (very unlike me). He asked what was wrong, as I was crying hysterically, so I threw my arms around him and told him that we had lost our baby. He had no idea what was going on because he didn't know about the baby to begin with, but he stood there with his arms around me and kissed my forehead and told me that it was okay and that it wasn't my fault. An hour later, one of the women from the office came outside and saw us, and she immediately sent me home ill (she said I didn't look right...?). I drove home alone, and in pain and slept for hours, I never went to the hospital. We later decided to name the baby Emily Michelle.

      I had another one recently, on December 21, 2006. Another happiest day of my life! And another worst. That miscarriage was filled with the same pain and the same sorrow of the first, but I was alone and no longer in high school (after Emily I had decided to graduate a year early and continue my college). I had just found out I was pregnant, and once again, my boyfriend did not know yet. I feel terribly guilty sometimes for not telling him the moment I found out, but I was scared and happy at the same time and I wanted it to be an event.

      I miss my angels terribly, and wear a memory bracelet with their birthstones on it. The hardest part for me is that the miscarriages could have been prevented had my doctors found a couple of health issues I had had for several years. They only recently found out, and now I feel angry that my babies were lost because of my doctors ignorance.

      I hope that one day I will be able to see and hold my third child and kiss him or her three times as much as I would only one of my children.

      My boyfriend reminds me that I am a mom, when I feel like only half of one; and lets me know that our babies are safe, with each other, they are angels, and one day we will be able to have our whole family together again.

      I read a quote that gets me through the long days, and maybe it can help you too. "An Angel in the book of life, wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book... too beautiful for earth..."

      I try to keep a positive attitude and remember that no matter what, I am a mom and my angels are safe.

      So are yours.

      I am an angel's mommy,

      Melissa

      #186; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:28:00 GMT
    • Well, my story is a bit old, but I saw that the previous poster's loss was exactly 2 years to the day of my last one and felt compelled to tell it. It's a bit long, just to warn you.

      I have had 4 miscarriages. I was barely 20 years old when I had my first, and when I went to the ER at 7 weeks along I didn't think to ask if anything had been seen on the ultrasound. The tech asked me if I was sure I was pregnant, so my guess is that there wasn't anything to be seen. Of course, the bloodwork showed that I was pregnant. It was the day after my +HPT and it was an unexpected pregnancy in a relationship before I met my DH.

      The bulk of the bleeding lasted about 2 weeks. I was absolutely devastated; my ex was more relieved than anything else. Our relationship ended a couple of months later and I started dating my DH about 6 months after that.

      DH and I got engaged after a little over a month of dating. I had another unexpected (though welcome) pregnancy about a month after that, at 5 weeks or so. It wasn't as bad as the first physically and was termed a "chemical pregnancy." I was very upset by this one as well.

      We decided not to prevent another pregnancy, but we weren't actively trying either, especially since DH was in the Marines and stationed 3 hours away - we saw each other on weekends. I got pregnant pretty much immediately after my 2nd miscarriage and lost that one around 6 weeks. There was a sac on the ultrasound, but no baby to be seen. At this point, I was beyond devastated and couldn't understand why it kept happening over and over again.

      I went through a lot of recurrent miscarriage testing and found a slight autoimmune problem, and took 81mg of aspirin every day for it. We decided to TTC and I was pregnant immediately. We saw our baby's heartbeat on ultrasound at around 6.5 weeks.

      Her loss was by far the most difficult of all, physically and emotionally. I began spotting at 8 weeks and went in for an ultrasound, during which we saw our baby's heartbeat, nice and strong. The spotting turned to bleeding overnight and the next day, she still had a heartbeat, though it was weaker. About two hours after that ultrasound, I began cramping heavily and home and felt that something just wasn't right. I went into the bathroom and something fell into the toilet.

      I picked it up, and there was my tiny baby - about 1/2in long and still in her sac. She was so tiny, so perfect in my eyes. The shock and suddenness of the loss, combined with not expecting to actually see the baby since I hadn't with my other 3, sent me into an almost primitive mode. Not that I would've ever entertained the thought of this, but I had a fleeting, primal urge to actually consume the baby's remains. I'm guessing that is how it's done in the animal world. My DH and I calmly put the baby into a ziplock and put her in the fridge, as per instructions from my OB's office. After that, I mumbled, paced, pulled at my hair, couldn't form a coherent sentence...I was a mess.

      Part of me desperately wanted to bury my baby, but after 3 other losses we decided that we should have genetic testing run instead. We had lost a baby girl who had a 100% fatal, random chromosomal disorder called Triploidy, where the baby has an extra set of chromosomes. We named her Caroline Grace.

      We decided to put TTC on hold in order to focus on our wedding. I also had a lot of personal reflection to do. I had had a drinking problem for a couple of years (though never drank while knowingly pregnant) and 5 months after we lost Caroline I had a car accident. That was 20 months ago and I haven't had a drop of alcohol since.

      I decided to have my unusually long cycles looked into and had some hormonal testing done, which we didn't do the first time around. My testosterone levels were through the roof and I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I began charting and we practiced NFP from then on. I started taking Metformin, which can reduce the testosterone in a roundabout way, and we were married in Dec 05. We decided it was time to TTC again in Feb 06, 14 months after Caroline's loss, and became pregnant immediately again.

      This time, my pregnancy stuck. I went into preterm labor at 24 weeks, was on and off bedrest for the next 12 weeks, had gestational diabetes and ended up on insulin by the end after diet and oral medication didn't help control it, and finally gave birth to a beautiful, healty baby girl on October 21st.

      I'm eternally grateful for my daughter and would do it all over again if I had to and it meant that I would still have her in the end. But I am still caught off-guard by the footprints on my heart that each of my angels has left. I am grateful for them as well, because they made me who I am today.

      My point is that there is hope. I was told by someone else who's experienced multiple losses that those who are born mothers, will be someday. I know that she's right.

      #187; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:29:00 GMT
    • I was 22 weeks pregnant when I had her.

      We decided to have our first ultrasound to determine the sex of our baby on my DH's bday. We came to find out that day that our baby had abnormalities and developmental problems. An amniocentesis revealed our baby[girl] had turner's syndrome (a chromosomal disorder where the 26th chromosome is not paired, so, rather XX or XY, it was an XO). "It could be a day, a week, a month, 2 months. ...All I know is that she will not live full term" well, THANKS DOC!! that was NOT helpful. In anycase, they gave me 2 options, wait it out, or have an abortion before 24 weeks (i was 19 weeks at the time).

      The decision broke my heart and I am grateful I never had to make it, as I prayed so hard that I would not have to make a choice. I knew did not have the heart to have an abortion, but did not know if I would have the strength to possibly deliver a full term-sized stillborn baby.

      I did think to myself that I must have provided a nice cushy home for her, baby's with this disorder rarely live past the first trimester. I don't know what her reason was to stay with us so long, but I am so grateful to have had her with us for my entire pregnancy.

      Not a week later, I had a dream that I was trying to get something out of my body. I woke up feeling disconnected from the pregnancy, that same day we went to go see our m/w to check, sure enough no heartbeat.

      I was scared of infection as my WBC's were a point above normal about a week after we found out no heartbeat. I waited it out, but at 22 weeks, I ended up inducing my own m/c w/ half a dose of cytotec at 530pm.

      [By the way, I personally did not have any trouble with the cytotec. I know I was hesitant, but desperate. I think the biggest danger is that your uterus can rupture because of unnaturally strong contractions. I was not worried about that because my uterus was still relatively small, compared to a full term pregnancy.]

      By 11:30pm the cramps were horrible, and by 1am UNBEARABLE!!! I was starting to wonder if people could die from pain OR, that if i passed out from the pain, I hoped my DH would hear the THUD of me falling to the ground (as he fell asleep when i, by the grace of God and a dose of tylenol, managed to get an hour of shut eye, too). In retrospect its a funny thought to me, but SO real when you're in the moment. I think its how they know your going into real labor, when you're delusional :dizzy:

      I awoke with INTENSE contractions and at about 4am my water broke. A sense of "the calm before the storm" came over me as the contractions quieted. I ran to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and felt an urge to push. Out part of her came. She came out so fast, but somehow I instinctually knew to put my hand down to catch her. I called DH and told him it was time. He held her and I pushed and pushed. DH just kept telling me I was doing a good job and that she was coming out. Another instinctual moment came, so shifted my hips, and out the rest of her flew. about 30 seconds later, I birthed the placenta and it was over.

      She was so big, yet so small. Her tiny body was red and swollen from the fluid that had accumulated, but still so SO BEAUTIFUL. 10 fingers and 10 toes, and about 10" long. We sobbed and sobbed for her, wishing she was alive. We were up for the next 3 hours with her, admiring her both in awe and dispair ...in fact, we stayed up with her until the sun came out! I could not believe how much love a heart could give as that is what she was, a product of our love, AMAZING! This is exactly the experience I wanted us to have, together as a family. It was absolutely insane to have a baby this far along on our own but for me it was all worth it just to have that moment. *sigh*

      I suppose this was more of a stillbirth than a miscarriage, but wanted to share all the same. Its amazing how the body knows what to do, there is something so raw and primal about childbirth.

      We named her Savannah, as I had always wanted to name our baby girl that, and then Joy, because that is what she brought so much of to us (and continues to do so)

      this was, hands down, the most beautiful, breathtaking and heartbraking moment of my life and with all my heart and soul I am so grateful for it. :heartbeat :heartbeat :heartbeat

      #188; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:30:00 GMT
    • I cant tell you how much I appreciate reading all of your stories. I agree that this is a taboo topic in our society and it shouldnt be. I feel like Im ready to share now.

      My first pregnancy was perfect. Enough symptoms to let me know everything was going well, but not too miserable. A long, drug-free labor that ended in a healthy, 8lb., breastfeeding champ. I had so much confidence in my bodys ability.

      18 months later, I was happy to discover I was pregnant again. We decided to wait to tell anyone until about 7 weeks, when my parents would be in town. But then, at 6 weeks I was suddenly in a really bad mood all day for no reason. That evening I started spotting, very lightly. I called my midwife who assured me there could be a good reason for it, but to come in for lab work the next day. By then the spotting had increased, though not as much as a regular period. I found out that we wouldnt get the lab results until the next day, which made me panic. What if there was something that could be done to save the baby and it would be too late by then? As it turned out, it wouldnt matter. The spotting increased, but never got too heavy, so I was able to stay at home for the whole thing. I stayed in bed for a couple of days. My aunt came over one of the days so my dh could go into work for a couple of hours. She brought me pads. It was a small thing, but so appreciated. The bleeding seemed to get better, so my dh took our ds to his parents for the weekend (we had been planning to go for a while) and I stayed home to rest. The day after they left I had MAJOR cramping for a couple of hours and then suddenly had to rush to the bathroom. Something plopped into the toilet and it was finally over. I didnt see it, but I wished I had. It felt weird to flush it, but I guess I didnt know what else to do (Im glad to read in so many other stories that other women wanted to examine what came out I thought I was the only one).

      A few months later I was pregnant again. I couldnt bring myself to say the words, Were having a baby. I would only tell people that I was pregnant. I WAS pregnant, but I might NOT be actually having a baby. But as I passed the 6 and then 12 week marks I felt better and better, and eventually was able to enjoy being pregnant. And then we had another healthy boy. I figured the m/c had just been one of those things, and my faith in my body was mostly restored.

      And then, about 20 months later, we were happy to find ourselves expecting again. But this time was different. From the very beginning I had a feeling like it was all a lie. Its hard to explain, but I felt strange telling people, even my parents and close friends, that I was pregnant. But, I tried to tell myself that everything was fine. I had a normal exam at 12 weeks and heard a good, strong heartbeat. We told our boys. We told everyone we know. I scheduled my next appointment for dh's birthday. We would have the ultrasound, the kids would get to see the baby. It would be great.

      A week before my next appointment, we had a party to go to, at my best friends house. I was looking forward to it, but the whole week before I had this feeling of dreading the day of the party. I would catch myself feeling this way, and try to talk myself out of it. I could think of no reason why I should feel that way.

      The day before the party, we had a blizzard so my dh worked from home. That afternoon, I noticed some spotting, but just barely. I called my midwife and she assured me that there are lots of reasons for spotting in the middle of pregnancy that dont mean anything bad is happening. She didnt think it was worth driving an hour to her office in bad weather, but said that if it was still there in the morning she would come in to see me (it was her day off shes the best!). I tried to rest, which seemed to help, but once I got off the couch for a while the spotting came back.

      In the morning it was still there, maybe a bit worse (but not more than a panty liner could handle), so we decided to go in. Her office is near where the party was, so I called my friend, told her what was going on, and that wed be just a few minutes late to the party. Im sure its nothing, I told her.

      My midwife first tried to find the heartbeat, but was unable. She tried with the Doppler for a long time, and then suggested looking inside. She said things looked good internally, closed cervix, etc., so then tried again with the Doppler. While she was patiently searching and searching, she asked if I was sure of the dates, because I felt small. I told her I was. Then she suggested an U/S. Luckily that was the day they had the tech in the office, so I didnt have to go anywhere else. She brought my dh and kids in before they started. The tech put the wand on my belly and I could tell right away. Everything was just too still. The tech said, Oh, Im so sorry, and explained what she was seeing. I should have been 18w 5d, but the baby measured around 15w. My midwife and dh both started to cry, but I just said, OK.

      My midwife brought in the OB, who was very nice, and he explained that a D&C was my best option. At almost 19 weeks, the risk of hemorrhage was high if I tried to go it alone, and we lived far from the hospital. They gave us the option of doing it right then or waiting a few days. We agreed to do it that day, I kind of wanted to get it all over with. I have struggled with that decision since then, but I dont know if there would have been anything better. It was all awful. Dh left to drop the kids off with my sister, which left me to walk to the hospital. It was only about a block away, but very lonely and depressing. He met me at the hospital before the D&C.

      It was then that I told dh that I had felt all along that it wasnt going to work out, and he said he had felt the same way! It made me feel a little better to hear that. I told him that I wanted to ask to see the baby, but he told me he didnt think theyd let me and that there wouldnt be anything to see anyway. I know he really didnt think it was something we could do, but I wish I had pushed harder for it. I cant help feeling a little angry about that. Its really disturbing to me to think that my child was just tossed out like medical waste.

      They took me to the OR and gave me general anesthesia (something about the D&C being potentially worse that far along). I woke up in recovery with the most violent chills. I had no abdominal pain, but I could feel all my muscles cramping up from this shivering, but I couldnt stop it. It finally subsided, and I eventually went back to my room. When they moved me from the cart to my bed, there was a huge pool of blood left on the cart. But after that, my bleeding was just like a heavy period.

      I was sent home that night and spent the next few days on my couch. The only pain I had was horrible muscle pain from the chills. I couldnt walk, turn my head or chew for 24 hours. After that, I was pretty much back to my old self, physically.

      Mentally, it comes and goes. I think in some ways it was easier, since I suspected all along. Thats not to say that its not still awful, but at least it wasnt a complete shock. One of the worst parts was having to tell everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. Thats a lot of times to relive something. Telling our boys was the hardest though. Our 4 year old really cried, our 2 year old didnt really get it though. At our 4-year-olds insistence we pray for our babies every night now. Its very sweet.

      Thanks for letting me share my story. I think I really needed this.

      #189; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:31:00 GMT
    • Boysmom, your story made me cry. I am so sorry for your loss.

      I guess I'll chime in, I won't tell my whole history now, but I really feel the need to say something about my most recent loss. Maybe later I'll come back and tell the whole thing. I am right now *hopefully* just ending my 3rd miscarriage. It was much heavier than my 2nd one--that one was actually not bad at all, just an hour of heavy bleeding two mornings in a row. This time it was over 3 hours of very heavy bleeding, with quite a few "gushes" that soaked the whole pad and got my pants wet. Not pleasant. It has slowed down, but I don't think it's quite over yet.

      My point is, it is awful to go through, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be strong.

      #190; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:32:00 GMT
    • Mine were pretty painless compared to what a lot of women go through:

      I did a home pregnancy test the first time when I was just over a week late. I was blissfully pregnant for a further 5 weeks. Then a TINY bit of brown spotting one evening - which totally freaked me out with worry. Spotting continued, lightly over the next day or two (hard to remember now). Only mild cramping. Then went for a pee mid-morning and little 'plop' into the toilet. It was a lump about 1.5" X 2" more red-pink than a blood clot and wispy-fibrous surface to it. That was all. Just a regular period-type bleed after that.

      Second time was a blighted ovum. I had gone to the doctor at beginning of February, when I was 8-9 weeks pregnant. No spotting, but for some reason I now can't remember (mild cramping?) worried about MC. Ultrasound said all was fine. Then started spotting (bright red this time) a month later. Doctor told me that ultrasound showed blighted ovum that hadn't developed past 8-9 weeks. In retrospect, I figured I had known something was wrong when I felt funny at the February scare.

      Doc suggested D&C and young, dumb me agreed. I had no problems with the D&C - physcially or emotionally. It was only later that I thought about it and realized his reasoning didn't make sense. He had suggested D&C "in case" something hadn't cleaned out properly from the first MC, which had been 5 months prior to the second one. Doesn't make sense for that to have been a possible cause of the second miscarriage if it really was a blighted ovum, since blighted ovum is inherent problem with the egg - not a problem with the environment of the uterus. . . live and learn.

      Emotionally, the first miscarriage left me feeling pretty shocked and numb for a good week or so. In the months that followed, knowing of other educated/employed/married pregnant women didn't bother me. But knowing of unplanned pregnancies, teen moms, people who appeared to be having children only to boost their social insurance cheques, etc. really bothered me. I know some people will probably think that's incredibly snotty and self-righteous, but I'm just telling it like it was. I couldn't help but feel like "why are they pregnant when they aren't doing anything to deserve that baby" (as if one have to prove deserving a baby!) I felt this way particularly because my doctor had said after the first miscarriage that he thought it was just bad luck b/c I was young, healthy, fertile, etc etc and everything would be fine the second time. The second one made me sad, of course, but somehow it was even easier to get over. The prevailing sentiment was one of simply feeling like I had to "get back up on that horse". . .

      Both times, I never felt like I had lost a baby. I felt like I had lost the potential for a baby and the loss of the potential for that dream was reallly hard.

      Happily, I became pregnant again about 4 months later. I never looked back and went on to have as many kids as I'd always wanted (5). It's only after having miscarriage(s) that you start to hear more about this taboo subject and realize how incredibly common it is. That gave me a lot of comfort and I hope it does the same for you.

      #191; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:33:00 GMT
    • Hi, I'll share my story.

      I miscarried last week at almost 12 weeks, but the baby did not make it much past my 9 week ultrasound where we saw it's strong little heart beating. Even though we had seen the heartbeat, I was still very uneasy about this pregnancy...it didn't feel "right" like my first one did.

      Last Monday I woke up and went to the bathroom. I had some very light brown streaked discharge. I called my OB just to check with the nurse, and she said it was most likely due to having intercouse. Over the course of the day it turned from brown to pink, then to red. I knew that my pregnancy was not going to have a happy ending. Mild cramping started later that night, and lasted through the night.

      Tuesday morning my husband stayed home because he knew we'd at least be going into the doctor to get checked out. At around 8am the cramps started coming in waves like contractions and I knew it wouldn't be long. At about 8:30 I was sitting on the couch and felt something like a little bubble popping, or like a big clot passing. I got up and went to the bathroom and liquid (fluid, not blood) poured out of me. Then the baby passed. I scooped up the baby and wrapped them in toilet paper.

      The tiny baby was beautiful. It had little arms, legs, toes, and fingers. I held it's little hand and looked at its little eyes before placing them in a baby food jar. I called my OB and she said to come in right away. I was still having contaction like cramping. At her office she removed the placenta and determined I did not need a D&C. She took the baby away for testing.

      It's been one of the most painful things physically and emotionally I've ever had to deal with. I know things happen for a reason and the little one probably had a major problem that would prevent life, but I still mourn the loss of my sweet little one.

      It's only after having miscarriage(s) that you start to hear more about this taboo subject and realize how incredibly common it is. That gave me a lot of comfort and I hope it does the same for you.

      And ITA with this! I never realized how common miscarriages were until I had one, and speaking with women who have been through this has been so very comforting.

      #192; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:34:00 GMT
    • THis week, Tuesday it was one week to the day that I found out I was pregnant. I found out early b/c I became a charting junkie and so I found out about 11 dpo the first day of my missed period. I took 4 tests. So I was thrilled and my family was thrilled. My sister and my SIL (brother's wife) all pregnant we were all going to have babies in 2007 and all about 2 months apart. So my parents, against my wishes, told people. I almost didn't tell them right away but my mother was sick and was kind of sad that day so I thought it would cheer her up. So we told and I figured the more people praying the better. So we told. And then exactly one week from the day I found out, this past Tuesday (that would have made me 4.5 weeks pregnant), I was in the shower iwth my daughter and I saw blood coloring th water. I couldn't exactly tell what it was but something felt odd so I reached down and felt and looked at my fingers to see blood. I immediatly jumped out of the shower and started screaming no no, and then called my DH. He sounded disturbed It hink he started crying a bit and came home imediatly from work. My parents were calling me and so I took the call and I was hysterical and they came right over. i fell to my knees and prayed screaming to God to save my baby.

      I laid in bed, got my daughter out of hte tub and turned on Sesame STreet. I knw that would still be on if my family couldn't get here. I called the doctor and told them to get me in. I thought maybe it was just spotting an dit just happend but then I looked at my underwear from earlier and I guess it started that morning. ANd everytime I got up the bleeding seemed a bti heavier. So I went in and they did and internal and asked if I was sure I was pregnant. I said without a doubt I'm never late and I took 4 tests. ANd so then he saw that hteir was thickening and said, this is more than spotting now and the miscarriage has already begun. My heart sank and I started sobbing and he put his hand on my back and comforted me trying to cnovince me it could be nothing that I had done or not done it was "one of those things." I hate that b/c it would be easier to blame something. Well today if Friday and I'm still spotting, but last night I was able to not sleep in a pad (they are so umcomfrotable to me). And I am still cramping, yesterday was the worst, and I passed a few good clots and some tissue. Today I am a lot better than yesterday, maybe it will hit me at a different time, b/c the past couple of days the mornings seem the worst to me. But today I'm not so horribly depressed. I didnt' mind getting out of bed and I"m not sobbing. Maybe its the hope that this will all be over soon. I go back in on Monday to I guess get checked out. There aren't a lot of stories of really early miscarriages so I felt I needed to for sure add mine, b/c even though its really early its still terribly hard to deal with and a loss of a baby all the same.

      #193; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:35:00 GMT
    • I have SO many emotions I cannot express them all. Maybe some day. This is my (very) clinical story.

      I am 38 and was pregnant for the 4th time. I have a Beautiful almost-7 yr old boy from my 2nd pregnancy. FYI The labor portion of that pregnancy lasted ~72 hrs. [I am not kidding.] I eventually had a C section.

      At my 10wk2d checkup (Mon) the ultrasound revealed a 9wk4d old fetus with no heart beat.

      Two weeks two days later (Wed), still nada, I went to the doctors for a checkup and to get a prescription for mysoprophil (sp?) that I'd planned to take on Friday night or Saturday morning to "get things started" while my son went to stay the weekend with my Sister and my husband could be home from work with me, etc. During the physical exam my uterus felt "roughed up" and a wee bit Owie. I was spotting a bit too. Drop here, drop there.

      By 11pm that night I was having very mild contraction-like-cramps every 10-15 minutes or so. Still only barely-spotting on-n-off. I took 3 advil and try to rest on the couch. I fell asleep and woke at 2am with no cramps or bleeding, and went to bed.

      FYI By the time we woke at 6am Thursday morning we had 5+ inches of snow and there was No School for my First Grader. Around 9am Hubby went to work. Not really any spotting, and just felt "tender" not really any cramps at all.

      About 11am I started feeling crampy. At about 11:30am a friend called and I spoke with her (according to her) for about 45 minutes during which I started off having mild "tight" contractions and by the time I hung up I was having "breathless" contractions every 5 minutes or so. I setup a bunch of "play stations" throughout the house and told my son to play, I was going to take a shower. I spent 20 minutes (I ran out of hot water) on the tub floor on all fours having strong contractions that progressed (FAST?!?! It seemed?) to about 1-2 minutes apart. (No time to 'relax' in between.) I called my husband, an hour away, and said "Come Home, Now!!" About that time I ended up accidentally pooping my pants, along with SO much blood it stained my undies and was on the linoleum, etc. So only 5-10 minutes later I called my Best Friend and asked her to pick up my Son ASAP. I *think* she made it to the house within 10 minutes, certainly less than 15 anyway. I spent the time on the toilet filling it with poop, blood/tissue, and TP inbetween 1-2 minute strong contractions. I was pretty delirious overall. I dont remember much except the pain and delirium. My BF picked up my son. I sort-of popped my head out the door, said "bye. I'm fine", and went back into the bathroom and back onto the toilet for a refill of Poop, Blood/Tissue, and TP. I was definately delirious and just breathing (heeheehoo) through strong contractions 1 min apart waiting for hubby to arrive and make all the decisions; like call 911? call Dr? research online, books? or "Just Breath", etc. I mostly remember being VERY upset that I couldn't THINK and couldn't remember anything about my first labor or what the doctor had said to expect/do for a MC etc.

      Eventually hubby arrived, helped me clean up, cleaned up bathroom, and helped me breath and walk through contractions. (We didn't call DR or 911, etc. He was able to remember what to do so I didnt have to remember, etc.) I went through countless pads, none ever filling up though, before about 3pm. (3-4 hours total time? Including apx 1 hour on toilet.) By 3pm I was able to relax a bit between contraction and chat. I was still gritting my teeth and breathing, but not as bad as before. By 5pm I was seriously cramping but able to relax and move around a bit. By 7pm I was cramping and bleeding like a regular heavy period. By 9pm I was able to get a bit of sleep.

      At about 1:30am I woke from contractions again. From about 2am to 3am I had medium contractions (breathless, teeth gritting) every 3-5 minutes. I passed a BIG blob of tissue and alot of blood. Then contractions started to abate and I saw the clock turn 3:30am but then fell back to sleep until apx 5am.

      Since then I have had cramps and bleeding like a regular period. It's been two days so far... I wanted to write this much before I forgot. I plan to update as things progress...

      Note: I took 3 advil at noon-ish (?) and every 4 hours thereafter for the next apx 18 hours. Then 2 advil every 4-6 hours thereafter for the next apx 18-24 hours. I also took robitusin for my sinus infection every 4 hours starting at 5pm Thur for apx 12 hours.

      I went to the doctors on Friday. I didnt collect the fetus, and so there is some concern that I am not "done" yet. The fetus might have ended up in the toilet, I will not know until either I do pass the fetus or I go to the doctors next week for a follow up exam and get confirmation the Yes I did, etc.

      Follow Up: I was not "done"...

      I bled and cramped like a heavy period until Tuesday. Tuesday morning I went to the doctor's to give more blood. My H* levels are/were 500 (that is down alot, per doctor) and all else was "ok".

      Starting Monday night I had 'A' cramp that did not go away. Not cramps, but one big monster muscle-like cramp. I thought it was my bladder? Or maybe maybe not my uterus? Although hubby mentioned maybe it was constipation, but I knew not because it wasn't a cramp in the right place for that. All day Tuesday I was very very tired and didn't want to get out of bed or leave the house. (VERY unlike me.) At 2:35pm it was obvious why... I passed the placenta. I had to pee and so I started to pee and something HUGE passed out. I stopped peeing and FREAKED out. I tried a few ways to get "it" out of the toilet before biting my lip and reaching in to my elbow. I retrieved a fist size amount of grisly tissue and put it in a disposable tuperware. Then. I *lost* it. Screaming, sobbing, and crying hysterically on the bathroom floor.

      Unfortunatly I only had a few minutes to "get it together" because my son gets out of school at 2:55pm!?!?! I tried calling a few friends to pick him up, but everyone had already left to pick up their own kids, etc. So I paniced and did my best to quickly cleanup myself and the bathroom, hiding what I could not get cleaned up quickly, and jumped in the car and dashed to the school. I was a bit late, but not much. I dashed in, said 'Lets Go' and drove my son home and set him up in front of the TV with the agreement that he could eat ANYTHING he wanted as long as he left me alone to "nap" in the bedroom, etc.

      I sort of floated about the house for a while 'puttering' and then just starring into space. Eventually I called hubby and asked if he could come home from work early. He dashed home and around 4:30pm he arrived. He gave me many hugs and kises, finished cleaning the bathroom, and helped me get settled comfortably into bed. At 5-ish my best friend called (Hubby had called her from the road and asked her to call me ASAP) and so I cryed, and eventually laughed with her (about 'little nothings') for a while. Hubby took our son outside to play frisbee. Eventually I joined them and sat on the porch watching them while the sun set.

      I spotted very very lightly for ~3 days. Little and then no cramps. I still have a head ache and stomach ache though. I recognize from experience that they are not symptoms of anything other than grief. Severe grief. I have cryed on-n-off for days. I can't sleep until I practically pass out from exhastion. I have NO interest in leaving the house, although I am also sick-to-tears of being in bed, so I am NOT going in there either. I feel a wee bit better each day though.

      I took the tupperware in to the doctor's on Wednesday morning. As I was getting ready to go, I looked. I thought long and hard about it before I did.

      Here is what I was thinking: My husband's best friend's Widow wanted to view her 17 mo old daughter's body when she died. It was a Horrific death. NO ONE wanted her to view the body. Mortuary Staff. Clergy. Family. Friends. BUT. At one point she was remaining 'stubborn' and I asked her 'Why' she wanted to see the baby's body. She basically explained to me that 1) it wasn't real to her without it and 2) it wasnt her Daughter, it was just a shell, and she needed "proof" of that with her own eyes. After that, I alone stood by her, and stubbornly held others at-bay so she could recieve what was for her Resolution.

      So, I looked. I saw what might have been a torso and head but, honestly, freaked out before I got a good look to confirm. The ONE thing that does standout most in my mind though is this: 'It' looked nothing like what I'd imagined. Nothing like a baby. Nothing like MY son/baby ever-ever looked. Until that moment I hadn't realized - I was TERRIFIED of loosing my own 6 yr old son. I DID loose a Dream, and a Hope - but NOT my Son or my Family or my Future.

      I spoke to the doctor (who was lovingly and compassionatly 'delicate' at first) and she eventually confirmed that the fetus might have been within the placenta, but that only the pathologist would be able to confirm. Because of the waiting (vs D&C) the fetus had alot of time to degenerate, and it had.

      Per Doctor, I will return in two weeks for another blood test and physical exam. The expectation is that my H* levels will be zero and my body will be aok.

      #194; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:36:00 GMT
    • I am new to this forum but reading all your stories helped me prepare and get through this awful time. I had a Blighted Ovum. I have posted numerous posts on another part of the forum, but wanted to put my story here for anyone in the future reading to get the same advice we have all got here, to give an idea of what to expect out of different situations, to help them get through the trauma. The people on this forum were there for me, I owe them a lot.

      I was pregnant with my first baby at the age of 36, nearly 37. I was 3 weeks late, did a pregnancy test, convinced I couldn't get pregnant anyway, and the test came back invalid. So bought another one, same things happened until I realised I was supposed to slide a section across to reveal the answer, I was so shocked, my BF said I went white.

      Found out I was about 7 weeks, started taking folic acid and preg vits. I didn't have many symptoms, just sore boobs, dizziness and all I wanted was meat. I was also more tired. My sister had a baby last Nov and she had no sickness so I was just hoping I was going to be a lucky one.

      About 1 1/2 weeks ago I realised I had no symptoms, I kept asking my BF if my boobs were growing, he would say no, I was not dizzy anymore, in fact I felt like I did at any other time, but I was still tired. I didn't feel pregnant. I knew there was something not right. About a week ago I started spotting, I was straight on this forum checking on spotting. It was normal. The spotting was brown and only to get checked if it was more red.

      On Monday night of this week, my boyfriend was out for business, I came back early to take a shower. Went to the loo and a huge clot came out. I just freaked, I was so shocked I flushed. I came on this forum and started writing, I needed someone, I needed to know what was happening. I though it was miscarriage, but after reading here I realised I had had no cramping. I had had pains on the Friday before but I put it down to hunger pains as when I lay down they disappeared in 5 mins.

      BF cam home, upset cause I hadn't rang and because we may be losing the baby. I had told him I didn't feel pregnant, so that was that, first thing in the morning he rang to make me an appointment with a doc that had been reccommended They said they could see me in a week (you have to know that I now live in Bulgaria and the system is different to the States and the UK). We decided to get on with some work we had to do and then go to the hospital.

      Got another number of a friend who had a baby last October, we rang, told him we thought I may be miscarrying, he told us to see him in 20 mins. Fab. He had a scan in his room which was super, we told him the events leading up to our visit and he decided to scan my belly. He said there was a pregnancy but the egg was empty. Everything had been growing but no foetus had developed. I should have been 9 weeks. He said to return on the Thursday for another scan and then in the afternoon or Friday they would remove everything for me, give me anitibiotics to help with the healing. He repeated several times (my BF had to translate cause I don't speak Bulgarian) that this did not mean that I couldn't get pregnant again, he wanted to make sure I understood. He was very good.

      So that was yesterday. Last night was bad. Started with cramping pains like you get with your period. They steadily got stronger, but still not painful, just very uncomfortable. We went to bed. I didn't sleep, every 10/15 mins I was up going to the toilet, I felt like I needed to poo, but I didn't, kept an eye on the blood flow as it was now red, almost translucent with small clots. Then I got a couple of bigger clots. At this point it was 2am, I got the spare duvet and went on the settee, TV on to distract the pain but it didn't. Trying to find a comfy position. The last time I went to the loo was 3.30am, changed my towel, got back on the sette, I found breathing steadily was working a little.

      Then I woke up, it was 6.30am. What happened in the last 3 hours I have no idea. I had no pain, except on the right side of my lower back, it's really painful. Got up, I felt damp in my jog pants and there was blood on the duvet, not loads, but I knew I must have bled alot during the 3 hours. So I went to the loo and heard 'plop'. After reading the many ladies stories about retrieving what fell in the toilet for the doctor or further examination, I thought I had to be brave and get it out. It looked like a slug, a fat slug. I sliced a bit of the top of length ways. The way I describe it is if you slice open a peach, remove the stone it leaves a hollow. That is what it was like, a very small hollow where my baby should have been. It was empty. I felt empty, but also relieved that I didn't see my baby there, it was long gone if ever there.

      So I am now hoping when I go for my scan on Thursday, the doc says everything has gone and I don't need the op anymore. After all this, I don't want anymore, I just want to try to get over this and look forwards. My BF is in bed and doesn't know, he is upset, bless him, he's been fantastic, bought me chocolate last night without me having to ask. He wants to try again as soon as I'm ready, he's my rock and my best friend, I've seen another side to him during all this and has made me love him even more, if that was possible.

      I hope my story and all the other stories on this forum will help someone else who is unfortunate enough to have to go through this, we are here, everyone was here for me and it helped me be stronger than I thought I could be. You are not alone.

      #195; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:37:00 GMT
    • You know, I was searching and searching online yesterday for details about miscarriage. Sometimes I just need to know, you know, exactly what things are going to be like, even if it's hard or gross. I was all but certain that I was losing (or, technically, had lost) my baby, and wanted to know EXACTLY what I was in for.

      Then I came here and found this thread and read the first four pages or so. Then I got up to pee. And felt something come out. And it was the baby. And I was so grateful to have just read this, it was almost like fate. Reading these stories really prepared me mentally to accept what happened, and I was not as freaked out as I otherwise would have been.

      So, thank you thank you to everyone who has shared their stories.

      Mine, just the gory details:

      On Sunday I vomited all day, uncontrollable, I could not even keep water down. On Monday, at about 6.5 weeks gestation, I started spotting. I had spotting and actual red blood bleeding with my first pregnancy, but this was different somehow. With my first, I knew somehow that it was going to be OK. I mean, I was worried, but I had a sense of rightness, too. This felt wrong from the first spot of blood. On Tuesday, I woke up in the middle of the night with cramps and low back pain and lots of clotting. Against my better judgement, I decided to go for an ultrasound for reassurance that everything was OK. We should have been able to see a heartbeat. Ultrasound showed a yolk sac, no baby. Measured at 5.5 weeks. Doctor (my mw doesn't do u/s) suggested my dates were off. They weren't, but I nodded and went along with it. I knew, though. I just knew.

      Then I found this thread yesterday, read it, stood up and felt the baby come out and I knew what it was without looking. So I pulled her (I have felt this was a girl from the beginning) off my pad and wrapped her in a wipe, and just looked at her for a bit.

      It was a bloody ball, shaped like a football. About 3-4 inches long, about an inch across. Really really firm, surprisingly firm, but it makes sense. I considered popping the sac open and having a peek, but decided to leave her dignity intact and leave her be. (So much for dignity, she's in my freezer now. We want to bury her but the ground is frozen so she'll stay in cold storage for a few weeks.)

      I cried a bit, called my mw, called my husband, then nursed my toddler and went on about my day.

      #196; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:38:00 GMT
    • Thank you one & all - i wish i had found this forum on February 17th. I miscarried on February 16th, just after the big "Valentine's Day Storm" that hit the Northeast.

      I had started spotting 4 days before after intercourse. Cause for some worry as I had none prior, but also knew that some spotting could be normal. I was going to the bathroom on Thursday, and suddenly saw bright red blood when I wiped. Tears immediately streaming down my face. 12 1/2 weeks had so far been more-or-less normal, no spotting - I knew.

      More bleeding the next day and the mw told me to go in for an ultrasound. More tears. The tech confirmed that the embryo stopped growing at 6 weeks gestational. Sadness, anger, sadness, tears and more tears. DH was by my side and I knew he felt the sadness and keenly felt my pain.

      I didn't take the mesoproxyn (sp?), didn't have to - cramps started around 6:30 that night, full-on contractions started around 9 and lasted until 11pm, each lasted for a minute+ and they were less than a minute apart. Never experienced so much pain in my life, excrutiating. Vomiting, diarrhea, eventual weakness & couldn't get up off the floor. The mw later told me that my heartrate probably slowed considerably from the pain. I finally made DH call an ambulance, couldn't take the pain any more. Just as they walked down the driveway (still a mess from the snowstorm), I passed the sac and the pain ceased.

      Like many of you - fascination - this came from me? this was going to be our baby? It passed whole, and I could see the tiny white embryo inside, just as the pictures show. Strange detachment at that point - that was it - i couldn't believe it. 2 more hours on the couch with a sense of relief that the pain was over, and deep penetrating grief at the same time. A little more cramping and I then passed the placenta. The placenta looked as others have described - about 4 1/2 inches long, solid/fleshy, dark blood colored. Sorry for the graphic, but maybe it will keep someone else from worrying.

      Finally fell asleep, pad in place, about 2am. Long, exhausting day. Not the worst day of my life, but definitely 2nd place.

      I think about poor DH seeing me writhing in pain on the floor, vomiting and diarrhea and bleeding, unable to experience anything but pain & grief - and know as hard as it must have been for him, he won't ever understand the emptiness it left.

      The midwives were kind - they were available by phone throughout - but ill-prepared me for what to expect at all. They said that I had probably passed everything after the sac came out, but did not question me enough to find out that i had not passed the placenta. When I went in for a follow-up appointment 2 weeks later, the midwife (not one I had seen before) had clearly not read my file and asked how everything was progressing.

      I know that baby was not meant to be and don't think I will ever completely get over the sense of loss, remembering what it feels like to grieve for the potential that we never got to meet. One positive thing is that we learned that we need to find a different mw practice for next time around.

      Trying again - and one of the "exactly what to expect" considerations - is wondering what will happen next time.

      Not everyone has this excrutiatingly painful experience...my SIL had 2 m/c and both were more like a heavy period - one with pain that Tylenol controlled. If this happens again, I am asking for serious pain meds. Exactly what will be different for everyone, but it has been so supporting and reassuring to me that other go through this message board and just know and feel the pain of what others experience too. Thank you all for sharing.

      #197; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:39:00 GMT
    • :hug to you.

      My m/c story is somewhere on here too, but I wanted to let you know that I had the same realization, that a good thing came of my mc, I found out the mw I had was not one I would want to support me through a homebirth. She was awful.

      Also the pain I experienced from my mc was so much worse than my 2homebirths after it.

      :hug

      #198; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:40:00 GMT
    • Hi everyone

      I have just had a miscarriage and I am so glad I found this thread, it has been so helpful to me.

      My story....Last week, when I was 6w 3d, I started spotting lightly just before I went to bed. It really freaked me out, even though I know it's quite common, but I just felt like something was very wrong.

      Next morning I went to see my doctor who sent me straight off for a scan. The scan was awesome - I saw my teeny little sac for the first, and last time. I was told that the scan was inconclusive - I was definitely pregnant, and the bleeding could mean something or it could mean nothing, so I just had to sit and wait.

      Next day the bleeding got heavier and I was cramping. That's when I found this thread, and reading all the posts made me realise that I was probably miscarrying. Late in the day I passed something, not a blood clot, but something pretty large. My doctor called it the Product of Conception. Sounded pretty scientific and unhuman to me? Other than that though, my doctor has been amazing, so supportive and there on the end of the phone whenever I've needed to talk.

      After it happened I just felt so emotional and couldn't stop crying. But once I'd finished crying I felt a sense of calm and relief , like I knew that was it and it was all over. I carried on bleeding for a few more days and only stopped yesterday.

      I went for a follow-up scan this morning, just to check that the m/c was complete (it was), and that started me off again, lots more tears. Now I'm just trying to come to terms with what's happened. I guess it will take a while and the feelings will come and go, but knowing there are others out there who understand really helps.

      We've told a few friends and family and most people have been so supportive, I don't know what I'd do without my girlfriends. But there's one close friend who unfortunately seems to be avoiding me and is certainly avoiding the subject. She hasn't even asked if I'm ok, even though my DP called her to tell her what had happened.

      I am assuming it's because she's 7 months pregnant and isn't sure how to deal with it herself or what to say to me?? Her lack of contact has made me feel even more sad though. I'm not sure why.

      I agree with you Abigail, - people may say dumb things sometimes. But for them just to say something, anything at all, just to acknowledge that they know what's happened and are there for you, it makes such a difference.

      My doctor says one in four pregnancies end in m/c. That's a massive statistic. Know that there's a reason for it and keep looking forward to all the joys that the future will bring.

      Lots of hugs to all of you.

      #199; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:41:00 GMT
    • Goodness there are a lot of us. It doesn't make our losses hurt any less. I'm new so bear with me.

      I had one son at the time and he was 2. I got pregnant went I wanted the second one. I went to the doctor and he refered me over to the OB. I was excited to be pregnant again. I called everyone in my family and told tem. My husband couldn't come to my appointment, he was in the Navy and his boss wouldn't let him come. So my son and I went.

      We sat through all the questions about my medical history and my husbands and my son's birth story. Then we went to the exam room for the ultrasound. The midwife started the ultrasound and turned the screen away from me. I was happy and joking around. She told the tech to go get the doctor. I joked "what is it twins?". The doc came in and said "I'm sorry there is no heart beat". I was trying to be calm, because my son was in the room. He started to cry because he knew mommy was upset. The doctor asked me to get dressed and meet him in his office. I called my husband really quick. I had to put in an emergency call on the Navy base.

      The doctor told me I could wait it out and let it happen naturally or I could have a D&C. I elected for the D&C. I couldn't handle seeing everything. I scheduled it for the next day. It was all very hard. We were far from home because he was in the Navy. No one in our families could come.

      Six months later I got pregnant again. I was VERY happy!! I went to the same doctor and he was happy for me. I went to the appointment and the baby was fine. YAY! I had an appointment in 4 weeks. The next day I KNEW something was wrong. I called the drs office and they blew me off. I knew something happened. Well I went to the appointment and the baby had died the day after my last appointment. It was horrible. At least my husband was there this time. I had another D&C. The doctor ran a bunch of tests and it turned out I have a blood clotting disorder.

      I went on to have a beautiful healthy baby boy. A year and a half later.

      I was depressed for years.

      After the second miscarriage no one called me. No one sent flowers. No one told me when they were pregnant. No one mentioned the word baby. No one said anything to me. It was like I didn't exsist. It made my depression worse. It was like it never happened. For me it was like a little part of me died with each of those babies.

      I don't know why its not talked about. I hate to hear "a third of all women have had a miscarriage....". My response was always I'm not other women I'm me, this is happening to me. This hurts me. It belittles me, it hurts me. Just because other women go thru it doesn't make it hurt any less. We are all going to die, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

      I'm sorry we have all shouldered this pain. I'm sorry we have all had to be silent about it.

      #200; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:42:00 GMT
    • I found out I was pregnant when I was

      less than 4 weeks along. We had been

      trying off and on for over a year. In the

      time that we had been studying,

      preparing, and trying, several of my

      friends had gotten pregnant and had

      their babies. It was finally my turn.

      The first few weeks were blissful. I went to

      my hometown and shared in my joy with

      friends and family. I came home and

      met with my midwife, the woman who

      had trained me to be a doula. We were

      all very excited, but I felt off. I kept telling

      everyone I had a good feeling, hoping

      to "wish it into existance". At the very core

      of me, I knew something was wrong

      when I couldn't imagine giving birth to

      this baby. It was as though there was no

      soul to connect with. I brushed it aside

      and called it first-trimester-worries.

      I was still in denial when I had brown

      discharge, and even pink discharge. I

      told myself not to worry.

      One night in late March I saw two tiny

      spots of blood when I wiped. I sighed

      and grieved intensely for a moment, and

      decided to continue trying to relax.

      The next morning there was stringy blood

      when I wiped. I kept being brave and

      strong and called my midwife and told

      her I was worried and wanted something

      to do to keep me busy. She told me to

      throw together the anti-miscarriage brew

      from Susan Weed's "Wise womans herbal

      for the childbearing year". I went to an

      apothecary and downed the vitamin C,

      herbs and tinctures, and the bleeding

      stopped. I was hopeful and kept my

      heart set on a subchorionic bleed of

      some sort, and went home. Against my

      previous desires, I set an appointment for

      an ultrasound at a pro-life clinic. My

      husband and I had recently lost our jobs

      and thus our insurance so I had to make

      do with what I had, and I was grateful to

      be let in so quickly.

      On the 30th of March I knew it was over. The bedrest and tinctures were no longer helping, I was passing tiny beadlike clots and stringy blood like overgrown menstrual blood. I slowly went through the house and packed away all of Cobweb's stuff (that was the babes nickname) so it was out of sight for the moment. I stayed in bed, still trying to hold onto my last hope of a subchorionic bleed. My husband was great, brought me everything I needed. He seemed emotionally removed, and I both loathed and appreciated it.

      The next night the emotions overcame me. I cried, bawled, tried to get my husband who was exhausted to wake up and snuggle me. I had never heard such mournful cries come out of a human being in my life, and it was devastating to hear them coming from me.

      On the 2nd of April was my ultrasound date. I woke up that morning at about 3 and filled a pad with blood. I cleaned myself up and went back to bed.

      The time of my appointment approached and I was unsure if I wanted to go. I decided to go last minute, to put my subchorionic hemmhorage ideas to rest.

      I signed in and filled out the paperwork. I went to give my urine sample and was so saddened to see the cup filled with pink liquid with more stringy blood mixed in. I set it inside anyway and continued. When it was my turn I went in and talked to the nurse. She asked me when my LMP was. I told her I didnt remember, took a guess, and then told her I was 8 weeks to the day based off of ovulation. She corrected me based off of my made up LMP and told me I was 7weeks, 6 days (Gee, Im so glad you found ONE DAY reason enough to argue with me, like Im not going through enough) and I didn't heave the heard to argue her logic. I hopped up naked on the table and waited, waited for the tech. She came in and dutifully did her business. She told me she couldnt see anything in the sac, and that everything stopped growing at 5w3d. She argued with the nurse and me for a while (she didnt listen very well so when she didn't get the answer she was expecting she argued it with me instead of letting me explain) about due dates and how I must have messed up my dates and I let her know that I hadn't had sex since I conceived my child six weeks prior. I thanked her and asked her for a photo of my childless uterus.

      I was angry for a long while. I spotted and spurted on and off for a while, and later that day started getting regular, timeable contractions. They were short, only half a minute long, and every 2 1/2 minutes. They were perfectly bearable and I was ever thankful that I did not experience awful pain through this emotionally charged event.

      Early the next morning I wiped and had passed a deflated sac, like an old grape. I wasnt expecting it to be deflated but figured it had had enough time to decompose in me in the time I had been carrying it. There was a piece of placenta that was tiny and I wondered how it could be that small. I thought that was it, that I had absorbed the rest, and kept bleeding. That night I took a blue and black cohosh tincture to help with the process and the next morning I passed the rest of the placenta in a 2x2 inch piece and another little piece. It was the exact color and texture of liver. I felt relieved and the contractions stopped, but I kept feeling random pains like pre-period pains until a few days later.

      In all, I spotted 2-3 days and bled for 11 days before it abruptly stopped and I had no spotting. I live in an apartment and froze what I could collect to bury under a tree when we buy a home.

      Two good online girlfriends of mine got together and bought a monogrammed mahogany box with Cobweb's initials on it. Its beautiful and was just the side to put my pregnancy tests, OPKs, copy of chart, ultrasounds, and other baby goodies in it. Its something I can hold, and go through when I want to mourn and remember that the pregnancy did happen.

      Sorry if this story seems choppy, I just wanted to get it over with.

      Edit: Sorry the format is all wierd. I pasted it out of a word processing thing and it went all goofy :(

      #201; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:43:00 GMT
    • I started spotting on Tuesday 4/17, at first just some brown mucus, but later reddish brown blood with clotting. The bleeding got progressively heavier as the night went on. This was the night I went to the ER - it sucked, I was there forever, and the doctor, although nice, gave me inaccurate info. He thought I just got my dates mixed up, and I was actually 5-6 weeks as they saw on ultrasound instead of nearly 11 weeks. He told me my HCG levels looked great for "where I was really at in the pg". That part really isn't important here, though - I knew my dates and I knew what was going to happen after I saw the U/S.

      For the next few days the spotting continued, with mild cramping, until Saturday when things picked up a LOT. Having never had a m/c before, I wasn't sure what to expect, DP was a little freaked out and kept asking if I thought I should go back to the ER, but I felt that things were normal. Saturday I had a very tense, full feeling in my abdomen and very strong cramping. I bled very heavily, soaking three pads in 2.5 hours, and I could feel clots and tissue (some quite large, looked like liver) passing out of my body. I rested as much as possible, and by Sunday morning things had let up but I felt really drained and dizzy. Most of Sunday morning I had mild cramps but they eventually intensified again, and I decided to try to sleep through the discomfort. When I awoke, about three hours later, I felt like there was something inside my vagina. I went to the bathroom and I passed what looked to me like a huge chunk of tissue, shaped sort of like an avocado but smaller, maybe three and a half inches long. Maybe it's just my nature, but I felt really fascinated rather than disgusted or sad. It was uniform all around, very solid and vascular, and not as liver-like as the other large clots I had passed, but it definitely had something inside. I opened it to find a tough, opaque, grape-sized sac filled with clear fluid, but no embryo. I flushed it after I was done observing it - it wasn't my baby after all. Out of curiosity, I also checked my cervix, which was wide open - I also found that very interesting. I did feel much better after it (the sac & placenta) was out, and my bleeding has tapered and is like a light period now.

      Emotionally I was very disappointed and sad in the beginning, but I am very accepting of it all now, just under a week later. For me, not losing an actual 10 weeks gestation baby makes it easier to deal with. I am not a very spiritual person for the most part, but I do feel like this was sort of a wake up call for me to deal with some issues I've been hanging on to for several years now, and that have affected my physical health as well. I want to heal myself in both respects, and then ask for the baby to return to me. I feel very confident that this entire experience is an opportunity for me to move on with my life, and that perhaps I wouldn't have been able to grow without it, so in a way, although the disappointment is still there, I feel grateful for the emotional awakening.

      #202; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:44:00 GMT
    • This was my first pregnancy. I'm 31. We started TTC about 5 months prior. And got the ++ test right around the 4 week mark.

      So happy! My life changed in that small window with a pink line.

      I felt like a mom even, taking care of the new life starting to live and grow inside my womb.

      Then, right at 9w5d, I came inside and used the toilet after some gardening. Noticed some brown spotting. Worried as heck. Waited til the next morning to call the MW since it stopped and there was no pain.

      I was offered Beta tests or u/s. I chose the u/s. We went in, waited. Then, during the transvaginal u/s, no heartbeat, and the baby appeared to have stopped growing around the 7 week mark.

      I was devastated. How could my body not know? How could I have been thinking everything was fine? For 2 weeks? My first pregnancy was already a failure. We went back to the MW office. She gave me the choice of waiting naturally or having a D&C. I chose to wait. I wanted to learn to trust my body again (is this even possible, when your first pregnancy ever turns out like this? when your body didn't even let you know when it happened?).

      I went home, and cried. Stayed home for a few days and just tried to be. After about 5-6 days I was feeling more like myself...emotionally. But, physically, noting had happened yet.

      So, over the weekend, I did some more gardening, spent a day with my husband, started feeling like despite the loss, I can still be me.

      Then.

      Monday morning, I call my MW office again to tell them that nothing had physically happened yet. She gave me the choice of waiting one more week or having a D&C or taking Cytotec. If nothing had happened after a week, I would have to do either the D&C or take the Cytotec.

      I decided to wait, but was scared of having a D&C or taking scary drugs in a week.

      I think the fear convinced my body to do its thing naturally. By the time I got home that night, I was spotting, red this time, and cramping. Monday night it got worse, and I didn't really sleep. Tuesday, the same. Worse, and more cramping.

      The cramping, was different than the usual menstrual cramps. My whole abdomen, not just the uterus/lower back. And shooting pains that ran from the inside of my vagina and perineum up to the uterus.

      The bleeding and cramping continued to worsen, and by the end of the day I was occasionally passing clots of tissue too.

      I woke up on Wednesday morning with the worse cramping and shooting pains yet. Bad ones. And, heavier bleeding. For about an hour and a half, I sat on the toilet, rocking, thinking, this is it.

      Then, I felt something pass. I wiped. I assume this was the gestational sac. Deflated, about 3 inches long and an inch wide, big, a solid sac, like one large bloody clot. Because I was now 11 weeks, and the baby had died around 7, nothing was particularly distinguishable.

      I remember thinking, this must be it. It has to get better now. But, it got worse. Then, 15-20 minutes later I passed a large oval shaped tissue clump, placenta? It was 3 inches long, and more solid than the sac. About an inch in diameter and veinous looking.

      Then finally. I felt the pains start to go. I felt myself returning.

      I didn't cry at this stage. I had cried for a week already. This was physical. My body did it. I think it all passed naturally. Which is somewhat comforting despite it all. And, the pains, were bad, but in an odd way, my body was doing what my mind did, my heart. And this was real.

      Then, I slept. After sleeping I felt like this was it, that now, I could start moving forward again. That the world wasn't in limbo anymore.

      I know that I'm recovering from my miscarriage now. But what I don't know is how I can have another pregnancy and not worry, not be distracted by what could be and what couldn't. I know that now, my brain will forever take away that blissful happiness I initially had. And that, is almost as bad as the loss of this first baby.

      #203; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:45:00 GMT
    • I had my first DD in 2002 after about 6 month of TTC other than a small scare at about 12 weeks when we couldn't detect the HB through a dopler (which I now know is normal) the entire pregancy went super smoothly. When she was 9 months we started TTC again. Years went by and nothing then May of 06 I got a positive HPT. We were thrilled. I was also planning to be out of town so I rushed to start prenatal care and at about 6 weeks I had my first apointment. They did an ultrasound and the doctors turns the machine and says this is your uterus there is nothing there why do you think your pregnant?. :( Then he says maybe your dates are off and sends me in for a "better scan" and more blood tests. Then the bleeding started I had no pain and it would come and go, in the meantime scans showed "thicking of the uterine wall and cell growth etc but no fetal signs.. mean while my HGC kept rising even doubling and I despite now weeks of bleeding had passed anything. I left for Texas still not having a definate answer it was like my OB couldn't just say its over and I couldn't let go.. My parents also wanting answered payed for one more blood test so I could check my numbers. 24 hours latter I call to ask and the lady tells me congradulations your pregnant. I for an instant was estatic but then I asked my numbers she said your about 4 weeks and that my numbers were 240. I felt life escape my body I knew this day would come, Id been in the 30,000's before so 230 was a no more deneying it was the end. That night I passed several greyish clots painlessly I bled lightly for about 24 more hours but it was then over 56 days of bleeding and my body holding on to hope. It was actually bittersweet I was drained I knew this would be the outcome. :( I still morn for my little one that never was..

      Then this year March of 07 the "pregnant" appeared on the digial reader while we were activly TTC I'd had a cold an dall my fertility signs had been way off so I was TOTALLY suprised but WAY WAY excited. I was also cautious after my ordeal last time I made two choices 1) I waited lnger to see the doctor as I wanted a guarentee something would be found and not go through all the maybes 2) A new doctor.. At what I estimated to be 7.5 weeks I had my first apointment the doctor was much better and on the screen I saw a tiny shadow witha strong flickering heartbeat. :heartbeat. I was estatic and the doctor gave an estimate of 6weeks 4 days.. I was a little worrie as my dates were diffrent but I remembered this wasn't an exact science and just rejoiced and we shared our joy with everyone. I was alos told my cervix was a bit irritated and I'd likely bleed a bit so when I did the next day I didn't think much and it son stopped. Then last Tuesday I started bleeding again nothing horrible but something just felt wrong and I called. They got me in with in hours and another ultrasound was done. The baby was instantly found but I saw no flicker :( and in the split second before the doctor spoke my heart broke. He told me I see no heartbeat but said his machine might nt be strong enough and scheduled a second scan with better equipment. He said he wasn't optimistic and I appreciated his honestly. I tried not to give up hope though. I had to wait till Thursday for the scan my bleeding totaly stopped and never any pain. On thursday the Tech who legaly cant say anything turns to the nurse and says is her doctor here and tells me wait I'll have him talk to you. I said can I have a ultrsound picture please I know my babies dead but please. He says nothing but presses a button and another image is printed hands it to the nurse and leaves. I'm taken back to wait.. the nurse still holding the photo. An hour so the doctors comes and tells me the news isn't good. No fetal activity growth or HB :( . SO for the scond time in two years my baby is gone. He tells me we can do a DnC or you can wait. I said I want to wait. He approves we schedule a follow up in two weeks and as we leave her hands me an envelope clapsing his hands over mine and says again I'm very sorry.

      So here I am I haven't miscarried yet no pain or bleeding. I feel numb I can't cry I want to but I can't. I'm just left wondering why...

      Deanna

      #204; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:46:00 GMT
    • Hi everyone,

      I would just like to tell everybody out there to follow your instincts. If something feels wrong there probably is something wrong. I was right at 12 weeks and I had been spotting for about 20 days or so. I was told that this was nothing to worry about. I never felt comfortable with what I was being told, but then I thought that since I am 36 and have never been pregnant, I could be making a big deal out of nothing. Well, I lost my baby. I had horrible cramps and when I went to the bathroom there were huge clots of blood. I must have passed at least 6 of them which were approximately one half the size of my fist. I suffered from extreme nausea and here it is 5 days later, and I am still cramping and passing pretty good sized clots along with a pretty heavy flow of blood. I have an appointment with my GYN on tomorrow. I just feel numb right now, as my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since 1996. I can't tell you how much money we have invested in surgery and fertility drugs. I guess that it just was not meant to be. I would just like to wish all of you the best of luck, but just remember, if it feels wrong, it probably is. You know you better than anyone else.

      #205; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:47:00 GMT
    • Found this randomly, adding my story. A lot of time has passed since and I do get spiritual at the end. Sorry if it offends, it was what it was and still is to me. (If that makes any sense)

      I got pregnant about 3 months after I went off birth control and checked it at the ED where I worked and was ecstatic. I remember it was thanksgiving and I was working and I had left the positive preg test on the bathroom counter for my dh to find when he woke up but he didn't know how to read it. We all thought that was funny. So we were thrilled, but I had doubts from the beginning. I don't know if it's because I work in the ED so I see a lot of miscarriages or me just being my own worrysome self, but after it was over I think I really knew from the beginning that it wouldn't last. Seemed like every baby magazine I would read I would flip right to the risk article, my dh smoked at the time, that was a risk. My mom and her mom had both miscarried their first time pregnant, that was a risk, etc etc. I checked my hcg levels at work a couple of times, which is just wrong, it just makes you worry more and for what? What is going to happen will happen. Well the levels were normal at the time. I tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid, like I always am and that maybe this would be the one time that I would think I knew what was going on and I would be wrong and I would still be pregnant at my first prenatal appt. Then I started noticing things, like my boobs weren't sore. I would push on them in the shower and see if it was myself causing the soreness or if the really were sore. And I didn't mind any food or smells or anything. I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. I was scared. I didn't want anything for the baby, like gifts, I didn't want to think about names, I didn't want to jinx it. My mom bought the baby a blanket with a little duck attached to it and I thanked her and brought it home and cried. I really just knew something was wrong, but nothing physically had happened yet.

      So my mom came to take me to my first prenatal appt at 10 wks and we were excited. I was trying to convince myself that everything was fine. No hb on the doppler, so my OB sent me for an ultrasound. I had to drink lots of water, but the tech couldn't see my uterus well enough for the pelvic u/s she had to do a transvag. I was let out of the room to pee and I remember praying to please let me have this baby. I was so dependent on this baby. When she did the u/s there was just a cluster of cells there. I said, it's gone and she said yes and that she was sorry and my poor mother was in there with me and I know it broke her heart. When the tech left I just cried and cried and I hoped she was wrong. We went back to my OB's office and he scheduled the d&c for the next morning. I wasn't all natural back then and I couldn't bear the thought of the baby being dead inside of me. We went to my apartment and I ate just in shock and my mom told me to sleep and I did. I woke up forgetting what had happened and then remembered all over again. That was the worst moment. It was pain like I had never experienced before. I was just devestated. I don't know how I got through it. Even now, it makes me cry and it has been so long since then but I can see myself curled up on the bed feeling like everything was gone. I called out of work for the rest of the week. They were so great with everything.

      The next day, I almost didn't want to go. I knew that once that baby was out of me it would really be over and I was just hoping that maybe they had made a mistake. I wrote the baby a letter to say goodbye. Soon it was over and I just was still so numb about everything. We had the baby blessed and buried through the hospital. My dad came up to be with me and my dh and we all were fine and that night my friend came over to be with us. That helped distract me. I was bleeding but not much. I guess I bled for a few days but nothing really heavy. That weekend we went to my mom's house and watched shrek with my then 4yo neice. I found everything so sad like they sing that song haleigluha (i don't know how to spell) and I started to cry, during shrek!

      That night, and i'll never forget, I was reading and all of the sudden it came to me. I realized that I had been really living my life thinking I was in control and in charge of where my life was and I saw that this baby had been a gift to me from God. This baby, this wonderful child, had come to me and then left to remind me that I was not in control and that I did not have to be in control. For some reason I really believe it was a girl and I thought that she had done this for me, for my husband, for my life, to let me see that life will go on and that as much as I try to control everything I am not the final word and I don't have to be and that I need to be thankful for what I have and let go of everything else. You know that saying, let go and let God, I finally understood what it meant. I had always thought I knew, but I didn't really know until then. My mom was awake downstairs and I came down and told her and we both cried together. It was the most profound moment probably in my whole life. And just for that moment it made everything okay. All of the pain of loosing her, I knew it had a purpose and it gave me some sort of strength. And she still does to this day.

      I did conceive about 3 months after that and gave birth in December 05 to a little boy Logan. I never felt 100% sure that I would deliver but I never checked my hcg levels. I tried not to stress about the baby even though I did, I tried to let it be and let go of everything. I prayed and gave everything up to God everyday and I was lucky that I was able to give birth to a healthy baby. I don't see it as I was able to have the baby because I prayed on it, but I was able to make it through life because I prayed on it.

      I will always remember you, my baby girl, and the love and wisdom you gave me. I will always love you.

      Thanks for letting me share my story. It feels good to get it out and share it with women who have been through the same thing. Sorry it's so long.

      #206; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:48:00 GMT
    • I was 11 week/4 days when I miscarried, but we didn't know that the develpment had stopped at about 5weeks/4 days. I was seeing a midwife and had chosen not to have an early ultrasound.

      I started having spotting on Saturday about 3PM and nothing again until Sunday morning. I just had a feeling and some very slight cramping, so an ultrasound on Sunday afternoon confirmed that there was only a gestational sac at hCG levels of 4100. I decided to go home and I had regular cramping and heavy bleeding from 8PM until about 4AM on Sunday. I passed clumps of tissue and bled on and off for about 5 days.

      At my follow-up a week later, my hCG was 34 and I successfully passed all the tissue .

      I hope this helps! I'm so sorry for all of the women who have had a loss.

      #207; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:49:00 GMT
    • I have mixed feelings about reading and posting on this site. Don't get me wrong, it is extremely helpful (in a sad way) to know that there are other women out there that have been where I have been (even though every situation is a little different for everyone). I am a highly sensitive person, perhaps the reason I am a Social Worker, and I feel my heart pour out to the authors of the life stories I have read. My hope is that I do not ignore my own need for self empathy in the process. That is my wish for any readers of my story or others on the thread. To know there are friends among us we have never met, there are angels in heaven who never took a breath, that there are caring people extending their hand to strangers. Here is my story...

      I am 33 years old and my DH is 38. We have been together for 9 1/2 years, married 3 1/2 of those. Coming from a single parent family with a Mom who worked diligently to support my sister and I, I wanted to do things "right", or as I saw it that way. I got my degree and even my Masters. I worked hard and had longevity. We bought a house and were fairly financially stable. We had a cat and got a dog (a little practice before the real thing). So last year (May 06) we decided it was time to add a precious bundle of joy to the mix. I have not been on the pill in about 8+ years so I thought I would get PG right away... and I did. First time! It was a total rollercoaster though. I was so excited we had finally started to try that I was hypersensitive to everything (some probably phantom symptoms, some real). The first thing I noticed was my bbs were larger and darker. My sense of smell was impecable. And, my first craving... well let;s just say I have Cracker Barrel's chicken fried steak at least 4 times in 2 weeks (p.s. I hadn't eaten that in over 20 years as I thought it was gross). I took a HPT about 7 days before my period (or so I guessed since I was horrible at tracking my cycles). It was -. I wasn't even a little sad because I knew I was. I waited and took one 2 days before my ETA of AF. - again. WOW. What was up with this? I began to spot brown. Nothing at all heavy, just noticable when I wiped. I thought, maybe I am not and I am getting ready to start. I will have light brown bleeding a little before I start so nothing new. I had the brown bleeding for about a week which was odd. I took another test... - again. So I went to my sister's for the weekend. I figured we'd be super active and I was sure to start. Friday, Saturday and Sunday... no period. Even after hours of hiking, gardening, etc. So Sunday night we went to the movies. I decided that I would get another HPT and if when I got back to her house I hadn't started, I would take it. I took it. I remember peeing on the stick, setting it down and running to her bedroom to re-read the instructions that I had practically memorized. The time was up. I slithered into the bathroom as if afraid to look. I remember glancing at it. I went to my sister and said I couldn't tell. I gave her the pamphlet (with the plus or minus pictures) and told her to look. She came out after a few seconds and said, "I think you are". I said, "I know" and started crying uncontrollably. We hugged and I was elated that the rollercoaster had come to an end (or so I thought). The next morning I had to leave early to go to work. I was having slight cramping but I figured, I know I am pregnant so it must be normal. I called my doctor's office on the way home to set up my first appt. We set it for that Thursday (this was Monday). My back was hurting a little more and so I asked the PA on the phone, who happened to be my friend since 4th grade and an attendant in my wedding, if cramping and brown spotting were normal. She said it was probably just implantation symptoms. I got home and prepared how to tell my DH. I placed the test into the little WVU varsity jacket I had bought just incase we ever had a little one (which has been my dream since I can't remember when). He saw the jacket, then the test. He seemed a little shocked. We decided to tell our parents on that Sunday which was Mother's Day. We hugged and I told him I had a doctor appt. and was cramping a little so I was going to lay down a bit before work. I laid down and the cramping got worse. I phoned work and said I would not be in. I wanted to get some rest. Pretty soon my back felt as though someone were jabbing me with a knife and I was doubled over in pain. I went to the bathroom and that was when I saw red streaky blood when I wiped. My friend told me not to worry unless it is red blood meaning it is new blood. I was so worried. My husband had left for work and I couldn't get ahold of him so I laid in bed. I tried to get some sleep. I woke up a couple hours later and felt better. The blood hadn't progressed so I figured that was the end...wow was that the most painful thing ever. I went to work the next day adn everything was OK. It happened to be my Mom's b-day. I was getting ready to leave work, got up, getting my stuff together, when all of the sudden I felt what was like a bubble down below. I went to the bathroom, a little blood on my pad, and then I felt it plop into the toilet. I didn't want to get up and look. I knew what had happened, I just didn't want to face it. I got up after about 5 minutes and looked. It was perfectly shaped like a kidney bean. I even asked my co-worker, who thank God is a great friend of mine, to look. I think I was in shock and needed someone else to confirm my feelings. It appeared to be the whole think. Sac, and a tiny spec of grey matter attached to the side. I didn't fish it out of the toilet. I observed it from above and then promptly flushed the toilet. I know it seems harsh compared to the tender care of so many posters here. Again, I think it was my instinct to clear it from my head. I gathered my things and left. I broke down sobbing as I walked to my car. I called my Mom first. I had to tell her that I was pregnant and lost it all in the same day, her birthday. She wanted to come over but I wanted to be with my DH and grieve. I called him but he didn't answer the phone. He was home when I got there and I told him. I cried and he hugged me. He never shed a tear the entire time and that angered me. We have since talked about it and he told me that the way he dealt with it was to comfort me. I had the depressed emotions for about 4 days and then one day I awoke and was like a ray of sunshine shone on me. Don't get me wrong, I grieved for many months and still am sad when I think of the fact that in a span of 2 days I found out I was going to be a Mommy and then lost my dream. I questioned why I didn't wait until after my appt. to tell my DH. Why put him through that pain too. My friend told me, God has a reason for everything and perhaps the reason was so that you could share your pain together.

      I waited a whole year to try again and this past May I was 3 weeks late. I had the brown bleeding like before for about 2 weeks so I wasn't as excited or quick to take a HPT. I finally did and it was -. I was like, "Oh no, here we go again!". I knew I was pregnant. The nausea, fuller bbs and hightened smell gave it away. I had bought 2 more HPT to use one night. I had gone to lunch that day with my work to celebrate a recent event. I felt like what appeared to be contractions. I could feel my uterus pulsing. I excused myself to the restroom and nothing. I had stopped the brown spotting at this point but was wearing a thin pad just incase. I got home that night and decided I would take my test the following morning with the first morning urine to see if it is a higher concentration. No need. I went to the bathroom that night and started bleeding. I didn't have any cramping. It was brown and dark red. Odd I thought. I wondered if I was just now starting my period but I knew my cycle was like clockwork and being 3 weeks late assured that I was PG. the bleeding continued like that all night and part next day. I left for my DH grandparent's 3 hours away with dog in tow. Now was the cramping, I was doubled over and had to pull off. I got a bit to eat and cried. I couldn't wait to get there. I told him what happened and we hugged. I didn't cry nearly as much this time. My bbs quicky deflated and symptoms went away. What is wrong with me I thought. I can obviously get pregnant but why can't I carry it more than 8-10 weeks? We decided, against my better judgement, to try again right away. After all, we aren't getting any younger and if something is wrong, it could take a while to conceive and carry. So here I am, charting my BBT, taking HOT and being tuned into my body. My husband told me this morning he had a dream that I was pregnant and I was showing him the sonogram picture (I've never made it that far yet). I find myself a bag of mixed emotions not wanting to get too excited and yet not being able to control my excitement. On one hand I imagine us being great parents and finally telling our family that we are expecting (after all we hear it from everyone all the time - it is hard when you don't tell people your circumstances). On the other hand I am just waiting for MC #3 so that it can be termed "recurrent" and I can see a specialty doctor. It is hard knowing how much you want a child and hearing on the news how babies are thrown away every day in some form or fashion and you just want to scream!!!! I prayed in the shower today and I hope my prayers are answered. Bless each and every one who has been through it, is a friend to someone who has been through it and those who appreciate what you have been gifted!

      Glad I didn't get too excited. Was either #3 or a very, very heavy and painful period. Was only 6 days late. At least I have my Fertility Doc appt. now Aug. 30, 07. I can't keep putting myself through this!

      #208; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:50:00 GMT
    • I didn't read many of the replies but I think this is a great resource. I had absolutely no idea what to expect and the information give to me by my doctor turned out to be grossly inaccurate.

      The emotions of the first time were so, so deep. It was the worst disappointment we have ever experienced. After #3, we had a son and TTC again, which resulted in a different kind of sorrow that is as deep as the first.

      #1 was a D&C which in hindsight, I wish I would have waited it out but we were so inpatient to try again, I don't want to wait. This was a mistake as the whole hospital experience was just bad. The physical recovery was fine.

      #2 was twins that stopped developing at around 8 weeks. I had some light bleeding for two or three days then a short but very intense period of cramps. Discharge of large clots and then sack #1 came out (looked like a prune) followed by sack #2 which was still filled with fluid. It was sized between an egg and an avacado - but completely dark red and opaque - I could not see anything inside because of the color.

      #3 was no different than a heavy period

      #4 occured around 12 weeks. I knew the pregnancy failed at 10 weeks and jointly with the doctor, we decided to give it some time to pass naturally. After two weeks, the doctor recommended trying a drug called misoparoxin (I may not have the spelling right) to induce a miscarriage. I agreed because I wanted to avoid another D&C.

      I was completely unprepared for the severity of the cramping and contractions. When the drug started working, I was incapcitated for 3 hours until everything passed. Twice my husband had the phone in his hand to call 911. It was mostly large clots. I felt something large at one point (towards the end) but I didn't see it as I was sitting on the toilet. The sack had stopped developing early on so I knew it would be a mass of tissue without any recognizable formations.

      #209; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:51:00 GMT
    • Well, mine started on a Tuesday. In the morningI was fine, but VERY tired for some reason. I decided to stay home from work that day just to relax and catch up on sme zzz's. In the late afternooen I went grocery shopping. When I came home I was still for some reason very, very tired. So tired I didn't out the groceries away -- I just picked up something to heat up quickly and eat. I was fine until about an hour later, I had to go to the washroom. When I went there was some spotting.

      After hearing so many stories, I thought I had better get to the hospital. I called my DH at work and he met me there. I was in tears -- for some reason I just 'knew' this was it. I had a strong feeling that the pregancy was going to be over very soon. At this time I was 14 weeks, so I knew that at this point if there was bleeding it was serious.

      I didnt have any pain at the time, just anxiety I guess. I waited about 3 hrs to see a doctor. They did a physical exam and they said my cervix was fine, and they also did a blood test and a urine test. When they came back with the results I knew something was wrong by the look on their face. Apparenrly my HgC levels were low. I basically had to scream just to get them to tell me what they were. They were supposed to be over 100 000 and they were at 3200. They tried to do an ultrasound but they couldnt see anything. So they set me up with an u/s appt the next day .pregnancy.todaysummary.com. the hospital.

      We went and they wouldnt let me watch the monitor. My DH took a peek, he said it looked like a peanut -- I said it should look like a baby .pregnancy.todaysummary.com. 14 weeks. We had to wait for the results in the ER. It took them over 4 hours to call me in. When they did they justsaid 'I dont know if anyone has told you, but the u/s came back and they couldnt find a heart beat'. Well #1, OBVIOULSY no one has told me, and #2, if you are uncomfortable telling patients about bad results, at least dont say it like that! I asked her how big the baby was, she said 8.5 weeks according to the measurements. it is a missed miscarriage.

      Anyways, she said I may feel some mild cramping and if it gets bad to come back to the ER. She said most women can miscarry .pregnancy.todaysummary.com. home, especially at my age. So that was the plan. Lay low at the house until the miscarriage ended.

      I was to go see my OB and she would tell me my 'options' the next day. Problem was, I woke up in extreme pain! I called a nurse 'hotline' and explained to her what was going on, and she said to go to the ER. I still was only spotting. I went and they hopped me up with morphine and a muscle relaxer and sent me home. I still didnt knwo why I was in such bad pain! I have literally dibilitating cramps from my period, but this was 10x worse!

      So that night I was fine, until about 4 am. I woke up and it was even WORSE! I tried just relaxing but my DH said he was taking me to the er. I went, and they put me in a room right away. I am still only spotting. They give me soooooo much morphine but nothing helped. I was so scared, I thought something was wrong!! It just kept getting stronger and stronger until I felt a gush of blood. I told my mum to get the doc. They looked and said 'You're not bleeding enough, the fetus still has not passed'. I knew it had! But they didnt even to a physical exam. The pain eventually subsided and because of the morphine, I bascially couldnt move. About 30 mins later, I told my mom that I know the baby has passed and is right at the opening. she helped me to teh washroom and as soon as I sat, it started coming out. I was surprised at the size, maybe the size of a small canteloupe? I had to catch it in a urine stainer. It was horrible, I felt so guilty for him passing this way.

      The sac was tough. I didnt try to open it too much. The doc came in and saw I was touching it and they took it away from me. I was sooo upset! They told me the pains I was goingthrough were full on labour pains. I wish they would hav told me that before! I was scared!!! I really thought something was going wrong.

      They then did a d & c to be sure eerything had passed.

      I wish I had a resouce like this when I was miscarrying, I would have been a lot more informed and a lot less scared.

      Sorry for the vent, just typing it all out seems to have helped me a little...

      Thanks all!

      #210; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:52:00 GMT
    • I enjoyed reading the posts in this thread. I didn't get to them all though. I needed info on m/c because their isnt alot of info on the web about what to expect. I'm 11.5 wks right now and I've been to the ob for an u/s at 5 wks and at 9.5 wks.

      My last visit 2 wks ago showed that their was a sack but could not see a baby or hear a heartbeat. So for the last 3 wks or so I have been experiencing some on and off dark brown spotting with some stringy clots? Not enough to stain my underware but enough to see when wiping.

      My Ob asked me to come back in two weeks on July 13th to see how things are progressing. She may have been a little concerned that I didn't Ovulate when I said I did but I am 99% sure since I was temping and keeping a chart.

      Since my last appt two weeks ago I've had some cramping that has recently gotten worse starting in my lower back and moving to the front and shooting down through my legs. I've also had alot of severe headaches.

      I have pretty much come to terms that this is my first m/c after having two girls. This would have made my 3rd pregnancy. I am pretty freaked out and scared about the idea of having a d&c and after reading most of the posts it really really has me scared to hear about gushing blood and going to the ER.

      In a way I wish the worrying and pain would end. I just want to get passed this and move on. I don't know how long it will take for this baby to make its way out naturally but I have had alot of dreams about having a boy and letting go.

      Update: I miscarried on the 12th in the car on a 2.5 trip to IL to visit my parents. It was a horrible experience.

      #211; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:53:00 GMT
    • Serious intense cramps for 2 hours. Much more painful than laboring cramps. One on top of another, less than 30 seconds apart. Lots of blood and clots...feeling like I have to poop...And then plop! Entire placenta comes out and inside of that is the amniotic sac and I could even see my precious baby in there. Head, arms, legs, eyes, nose... :gloomy:
      #212; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:54:00 GMT
    • Also, I had my m/s naturally. I did it in my bathtub. Baby died at 8 weeks, miscarriage happened at 14 weeks.
      #213; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:55:00 GMT
    • My first m/c happened in 11/87. I was 17 and had just realized I was pregnant about 2 weeks before. My bf was taking me to the doctors for my first appointment when we were involved in a car crash. I was laying in triage room with my mom when I had a sharp cramp and then I felt something come out of me. That came out of nowhere. I went into a patch of depression and it took me a while to learn to deal with my feelings over what happened. :(

      In 2001 my mom died and I was all alone and went into a patch of depression again but thanks to my best friend I came out of it quickly. But I was really starting to hear my 'clock' ticking. I met my dh in early 2002 and we soon were expecting. In 1/03 we had ds # 1 and in 12/04 we had ds #2- both of those no probs at all. :love

      My 2nd m/c happened 5/05. I was in my kitchen and blood just started pouring down my legs and all over floor. For about 2 hours after that I cramped every 5 min. Then I felt a pop and there on pad was clot that was hard and had gray flecks. Bled for another 5 days as if I had AF. I was only 2 days late so I hadn't even thought to test yet.

      My 3rd m/c happened 12/05 exactly 6 days before my 2nd son's 1st birthday. I will admit that I wasn't to happy to find out I was pregnant again so soon but that didn't mean that I wanted a m/c to happen either. Well I had some spotting at about 4.5 weeks; it was brownish. Called and was told was probably implantation bleeding. I let it be. At 6 weeks I started spotting light pink. Went in and was checked; said cervix was closed and did transvag u/s. Said everything looked good and was too early to see heartbeat. At 7 weeks it became dark red spotting. Called and was told to keep an eye on it and call if clots were seen. At 8 weeks it became bleeding not spotting. At appt was told cervix was closed and u/s showed heartbeat was at 137. Told that I may just experience bleeding the whole pregnancy. Skip to week 10, taking kids over to neighbor to babysit, I slid down 2 steps and rammed big toe badly-felt jittery but ok. Headed to work and on way there started having cramps or at least what I thought were cramps(I never had contractions before-I had 2 c-s). When I got there I clocked in and went right to the bathroom, as soon as I started to sit I heard a 'plop'. Before I could move to try and get it the auto-flush toilet flushed! :yikes: Then blood just started pouring out. I got another pad and went out to floor to tell co-workers what was going on and one offered to take me to hospital. On way there, I kept trying to get dh on phone, finally left voicemail. I'm at ER and it takes like 40 min just for them to take my info, then another 10 before they take me back to triage. Meanwhille I am soaking in blood-me, clothes, and wheelchair. When I'm taking clothes off blood is just going all down my legs and dripping straight on to floor. They take vitals and wait for dr. She says after exam that it is still a threatened m/c because there should be even MORE blood than there is!! :jaw Sends me for a u/s does trans vag and sees yolk sac still high up but no baby. Lay there and wait 25 mins to be taken back to room. Dh is finally allowed with me and he is so very upset and worried. They gave me some pain meds so I was feeling somewhat better. I shifted and felt like a huge bowl of jello just squirted out of me. Nurses came in and took it to go to patholgy and cleaned me up. Dr comes in and says that I had m/c-:duh ! and is going to have gyn/ob resident look at me. Standing up to get onto exam table, blood absolutely pouring everywhere. He tries to get some tissue out but can't and suggests a d&c. Sent back to room to be prepared for op, my nurse is trying to put in another IV when I start sweating and saying it's very hot-bp was at 69-gave me something to bring it up. Sent for d&c, woke up in recovery about 5:30A. Couldn't be released until 8:30A. :bawl Thankgod my neighbor understood and kept our boys all night or else I would have been all alone.

      My 4th m/c just happened on July 5th. I had a spotting on June 18th it was brownish to barely there and it stopped immediately. On June 24th I spotted light pink for about 3 hours but it stopped after I layed down. Then on June 29th I started bleeding light red to medium red a nd I had a dr. appt for July 3rd-new dr couldn't get in until then had called 2 weeks before. I was just 9 weeks from LMP. He did trans vag u/s and said baby measured only 6 weeks and no heartbeat. Took blood to check HCG and progesterone levels. Of course office was closed for the 4th. I went to work that night but only made it 1.5 hours before cramping started. At 1:30A passed large clot saved it in jar. At 2:30 cramps were starting to feel like labor pains so I left wrok and went home. Went to pee when I got home and passed another large clot saved that as well. It was about 4A took Ibuprofen and tried to sleep. About 6A went to pee and out plopped baby and placenta all intact. It looked just like it did on the u/s. I put it with the clots in the jar in the refrigerator for appt with dr on Friday. :crying After that I was bleeding no more than that of a heavy period. Went to dr and was toldc HCG was 38,000 but progesterone was only 10 and that they knew the m/c was going to happen. If only Wednesday hadn't been a holiday, I might of had a little warning. :shrug I go back for recheck on 20th. I kept wondering how long it would be for everything to come out. Got my answer on July 11th. Started with contraction type cramps again. About 1P I passed a large piece of placenta. After that the bleeding completely stopped. I think I am dealling with this m/c better b/c I may get some answers when I go back to dr. They will have test results from baby and he is going to run the recurrent m/c blood panel on me. He also is going to change my diabetic diet-could always lose some weight. I'm 255lbs now and I would like to get back down to 210lbs where I was when I got pregnant with ds #1. I try to keep believing that the m/c's were for a reason. That there's a purpose to all this. I sure hope there is!

      #214; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:56:00 GMT
    • I'm so glad I found this thread and read many m/c accounts just before I miscarried Friday 7/13 at 13.5 weeks. I cried, but felt calmed and ready for the m/c after all the reading.

      A bit of brown spotting around 7 weeks, lasting a day or two.

      Brownish spotting around 10 weeks. My midwife couldn't find a heartbeat but said I had a very tilted uterus (tilted far towards my back).

      Spotting continued. No heartbeat at 11 weeks. We discussed m/c and what to expect, when to head to the ER if necessary. Midwife was also warm and caring. Recommended I catch the m/c in a bowl if/when it happened.

      Spotting continued for 2 more weeks, then changed to reddish smears, then changed to blood like a light period. The last week there was fresh blood at wipes. The last 2 days I had light, intermittent cramps, typical pre-labor activity for me (I've had 3 normal births). I had a feeling the second day that I'd be miscarrying within 24 hours, which I did.

      Cramping intensity increased overnight, but still intermittent. In the morning DH and I discussed heading getting an ultrasound just to see...but my inner voice said no, just stay home, I'm ready for this process- and just then came the first little pop and gush of blood.

      Some good cramps and I passed a small, crystal-clear egg-yolk-like sac attached to some bloody tissue. The sac was full and round, sized between a large grape and a smallish kiwi. It was empty! I called my midwife: it was a "blighted ovum," a pregnancy that started but stopped growing pretty early, probably around 6-7 weeks when I had that first brown spotting. She said it was very common. Over the next couple of hours I passed some large blood clots (easy to squish) and last, after a labor-like contraction, the placenta. It was 2/3 the size of a large banana, firm, liver-looking, somewhat calcified.

      Emotionally I went into my hyper-logical mode at first, "it wasn't actually a baby, this is a fresh start etc." but later that night I cried for 2 hours. The next day I felt good, spent the day into the evening at a music fest- it was good to get out of the house.

      Bleeding was like a heavy period the first 3 days, now at 6 days post m/c it's tapered down to a light period, brownish red. Midwife says I could bleed 2-3 weeks.

      The entire pregnancy I had a feeling something was "off." I never felt any energy from the life I supposedly had inside me, no connection, I never felt emotionally attached or excited; when I reached out to connect with the baby it always felt...empty. So not too surprised after all. The fact that it was an egg yolk instead of a 13 week fetus made it a nearly painless event in the end, both emotionally and physically.

      So now we're just sitting with the space we're in and will decide whether or not to try again.

      #215; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:57:00 GMT
    • 07/30/2007:

      Miscarriage at 10 weeks Second pregnancy

      I am really trying to leave out a lot of the mental emotions my husband and I experienced and just focus on the physical aspects of this. I really needed to hear what was going to happen during this time. NONE of it EVER physically hurt. I was so afraid of the unexpected. While I was miscarrying, I was on Mothering.com reading about other womens experiences. It helped me so much. I hope this helps someone not be afraid. Miscarriage is a birth. If you can accept what is happening, it helps a lot. I believe our baby just went back to waiting to come back inside me and be healthy and grow again someday. My husband and I are at peace with this experience.

      I had been lightly spotting light brown blood for about three weeks. At 9:30PM, I went pee and discovered I had soaked my underwear with brown blood. I continued to bleed light brown to dark brown blood for a few hours. I went to sleep and dreamt of miscarrying and telling people I was miscarrying. I woke up around 2:30AM and went pee and was bleeding bright red blood. It was a bit more blood than a heavy period but not alarming. About hour later I began having contractions. They quickly became closer together. At about 3:30AM I needed to concentrate only on getting through the contractions. They were about 1 minutes apart. They didnt hurt, they just required all of my attention, (just like my first baby Idas birth). I could feel tissue moving down through my birth canal. It didnt hurt. I told my husband that I had a lot of fear and knew I needed to let this go and accept what was happening as safe and o.k. I finally got up the nerve to get out of bed. When I stood up, I felt a handful of tissue come out of me. I was surprised that there wasnt any pain. I went into the bathroom and pulled down my underwear and picked the tissue up. It was a beautiful, bright red color and it was cylindrical. I could hold it with both of my hands. It was shaped like a very wide (5 inches or so across) rubber band. I let this go into the toilet because I was positive it wasnt our baby. I alternated between our bed and the toilet for a couple of hours. Each time I stood up, more tissue came out and there wasnt any pain. I drank some iced raspberry tea to give my uterus and body strength. I birthed more red, cylindrical tissue twice. I knew I should be taking deep breaths but was so afraid. I was never afraid when I had Ida, this was very hard to accept. I finally got up the courage to take a deep breath and more tissue came out and this time I found a grape sized, white, milky sac. I felt very strongly that this was our baby. I placed this in a cup. I thought about breaking into the sac but it didnt feel right to me. I knew it was our baby, and that was enough for me. I delivered more tissue over the next 1 hours, drank more raspberry tea and my husband and I made plans to go visit my parents for a few days. We had said our goodbyes to our baby earlier in the night and we were very sad and emotional. Our daughter Ida woke up and asked where the baby was. We told her baby was gone and waiting to come back again. Her eyes were very big and sad. I felt a bit energetic and did dishes and thought about our baby and a bit later I delivered a small banana sized placenta. I kept this too. I continued to drink red raspberry leaf tea and began feeling confident that I was finished birthing our baby.

      My midwife suggested that I take Dong Quai tincture every few hours to help expel any additional tissue in my uterus. I did this and could feel my uterus contracting about ten minutes after I would drink the tincture. I bled (like a heavy period) for two days and took everything very easy. It really helped to visit my parents and have some alone time with my husband when we needed it. My husband made and accepted many phone calls about how we were doing. I wasnt ready to talk to anyone but my husband and mom about everything.

      A few days later we came home. It was a bit hard to come home and face more of a reality. We buried our baby in our back yard under four Rosemary plants my husbands family brought to us. We wrapped her (I feel like this is right to call her her) in one of Ida's baby blankets and placed our letters to her in there with her. We both wrote a letter to our baby. I wrote on one side of the paper and my husband wrote on the other side. The Rosemary plant is for remembrance and that felt so right to both of us for our baby.

      I look forward to carrying our baby again when my body and baby are ready. That might be months from now but that is alright with us. I would like to say that my husband was INCREDIBLY supportive and wonderful. My experience was the best it could be. I am so Thankful.

      #216; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:58:00 GMT
    • I began miscarrying out baby on August 1. I am still expelling tissue. The baby is gone. I know that. The blood is a consistent reminder of what I've lost.

      I was "merely" 6 weeks pregnant when I m/c'ed. But I was connected to this pregnancy in an uncanny way. I knew within days of conception that I was pregnant. I knew that I was having a boy. And he's gone. And there's a huge hole in my heart that will never heal. That's ok. That's what makes me a woman and a mother.

      On August 1 I had a couple of spots of dark brown blood on my pantiliner. No cause for concern, right? And actually, a number of women do spot/bleed during their first trimester and throughout their pregnancies with no miscarriage. My SIL & I were bathing our children together and I felt a trickle. I knew instantly that something was wrong. I hoped I was wrong. But I wasn't. There was bright red blood and tissue on my liner. I knew that was the beginning of the miscarriage. I was out of the country but called into my family practice doctor's office. The doc on call returned my SOS and told me that I was likely miscarrying. He didn't really tell me what to expect . . . or really tell me what to do . . . except to avoid pain killers. (I guess that was because that could increase the blood flow.) The bleeding stopped, and I tried to get some sleep. I was hopeful.

      I woke up a couple of times that night to use the restroom. Each time I wiped away fresh blood. I knew it wasn't a nightmare. I was losing my baby. The next day (Aug 2), I was somewhat in denial. I wasn't in pain, so surely it was just a subchorionic bleed. We got in the van to visit some family, and that's when it all went down hill. I began to cramp severely and contract. I hurt so bad and couldn't grieve. I didn't want to worry my family. I was so uncomfortable I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep going in the car. The bleeding was very heavy. That night I expelled a large fleshy mass that looked placental to me. Since the baby was only the size of a sesame seed, I never found him.

      One of the worst things about miscarriage is how uncerimonious it can be. We throw away dirty sanitary napkins. We flush tissue down the toilet. Some of us are able to bury their losses and somewhat move on. Very few people knew I was pregnant. For most of the world, my pregnancy never existed. And no one on earth knew my baby like I did.

      My body is healing itself and doing its job. Good for it. I'm still bleeding, and even though my friends are worried, I'm not. In fact, I wonder if I'm not actually menstruating? That's what it feels like today, at least. My skin is a disaster. Hormones are nuts. I still cry sometimes.

      I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this experience. What caused the miscarriage? Were my hormones too imbalanced? When can I try to conceive again? Will this happen again? So much doubt. I was so terrified my entire 1st trimester last time, and I told myself that I wasn't going to do that to myself this time. And how am I supposed to approach pregnancy in the future without fear? Faith? I know. Trust? Sure. Well, not so easy for me.

      My soul is a disaster area that has been neglected. I was away this past weekend and able to think. Oh, how hard it is to escape your thoughts when you're left alone with them and only them. How to repair the soul? I dunno.

      I'm thankful for this "sticky" thread. I wasn't able to consult this resource when it was happening to me, but I hope that our diverse experiences and interpretations of them will be helpful to others. If you are reading this, know that an entire community of women grieve for you and hope that you find peace and healing in the future.

      #217; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 07:59:00 GMT
    • I'm so sad reading all these stories, but so very thankful for them at the same time.

      I've miscarried 3 times. My most recent loss was at ten weeks, one day.

      I started spotting on August 1st. I was at lunch with my friends. Spotting during pregnancy has never been normal, or ok for me, so I called my doctors office immediately. I was in there very quickly getting the bad news and seeing my dead baby via ultrasound. He had stopped developing the week before.

      I had been through this twice before, so I thought I knew what to expect. I did, but this was different.

      On August 2, just 24 hours after I started spotting I started having insanely intense cramps (contractions?), they were so bad I could barely stand up or walk. I knew it was going to happen. I went to the bathroom and passed the baby. S/he was just over an inch long. I looked at him for a long time before wrapping him up to bury in the back yard.

      I hadn't bled much before the baby passed, but for two hours after I soaked a pad every 15 minutes. I drank raspberry leaf tea, and laid on my left side (fortunately my daughter was napping). Every time I had to get up to go to the bathroom I didn't think I would make it. The pain was so intense. I was starting to worry that I was bleeding too much, but just when I was seriously considering calling my doctor the bleeding slowed a little.

      I bled pretty heavily and passed many clots during the next week. I had the worst cramps, I started to think that maybe I was retaining some tissue.

      By Monday the 13th I was no longer experiencing the insanely intense cramps and my bleeding had slowed to spotting.

      I'm still spotting. I still cry. I still don't want to see other people.

      I believe my cramps were worse and I bled more during this miscarriage because I was further along than my previous ones. I don't know.

      I know that the emotional pain eventually dissipates, but I don't remember when. I still ache from my loss this past April.

      We saw this baby's heartbeat at 7.5 weeks, but I still didn't feel like everything was "ok". I was sick as a dog and only wanted to sleep, but still didn't feel like everything was "ok".

      Thanks for letting me share my story.

      #218; Mon, 10 Dec 2007 08:00:00 GMT